summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 I am a 29 year old female. My boyfriend of 6 months is 42 years of age. I am not concerned with the age difference, I do prefer older men. What really bothers me is now that I am ready to have intercourse, he refuses. He has been married before and has children so yes, he has had intercourse before...He says he will not have sex until he marries again. I feel he teases me...We mess around and basically do everything except the actual intercourse, he will not penetrate for anything....It has become very frustrating for me. I use my detachable shower head, turn up the water pressure and get myself off alot. More so now than I have ever before...I need help. How do I get my man to understand that I want to have intercourse...Who says we will get married...Am I wasting my time...So many unanswered questions..... Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Dump him. If you want to get laid, and he isnt putting out, its that simple. If you like him as a companion, etc, keep him as a friend but move on to someone who will make you happier and give you what you need. Link to comment
marolua Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 I dont think it will be that easy to dump him! Why isnt he wanting to have intercourse? What is his explanation? religious or moral? You need to know that! And also are you really wanting intercourse or is your desire simply because he refrains from it? If that is so, stop and think for a moment. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 He told me in the beginning that we can't have intercourse because for one, he respects me and for two, he was not having intercourse until he gets married...It's been 6 months, I truly care for this man and I am ready to be intimate with him. I see nothing wrong with that. Link to comment
chai714 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 This is more of a moral dilemma than a physical one. His beliefs and values are justifying his actions for not wanting intercourse. You're going to have to change his values if you want him to have sex with you. This is not easy. You're going to have to change his belief system and make him think that sex is associated with love, so that he then believes that him having sex with you means that he loves you. Can you do this? I'm not sure how to go about doing it, but this is what you would have to do in order to get what you want. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 I am not ready to just walk out on him...I enjoy our time together...I don't want to try and change his beliefs. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. It makes me feel good that he respects me and wants to wait for marriage. But the thing is, who says I am the woman he will marry...I strongly believe sex is an important part of a relationship. And when one wants it and not the other, problems are going to arise...I don't want to lose this man because I enjoy spending time with him...I am just really frustrated at this point. Link to comment
chai714 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 You being frustrated is fine. There's a conflict, but you're willing to live with it for now. I'm not sure how serious you and your man are, but realize there are no guarantees in life. You can either live with his decision and accept it, or you can try to influence his behavior (to get what you want). Link to comment
marolua Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Did you say him in the beginning of your relationship, that you think that couples shoul have sex for 1. this is something about love and 2. that you cannot decide whether or not to marry before having any sexual intercourse? Why do you have to be one to play the game according to his rules? It is a hard situation, keep yourself shining please? Link to comment
DN Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Do you really think it right to pressure a man in any way, emotionally or otherwise, to have sex with you against his beliefs? I would be interested to know what would be the reaction of everyone if the genders in this case were reversed. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 Well, the relationship does seem one sided when it comes to the topic of making love...His thoughts on this matter are very strong. I don't want to try and change his beliefs or anything like that. I feel I am stuck between a rock and a very hard place...At first it didn't bother me because I always wait a few months before having sex with a man....But the past month has been really hard on me. We have been dating for 6 months, we see each other on a regular basis. Weekends are spent together doing things we both enjoy...The relationship is getting serious. I have tried to talk to him about this...I feel he hears me but he is not listening to me. And we have had arguments about this as well....What else can I do besides leave him and be with someone else who is on the same page as I am... Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Do you really think it right to pressure a man in any way, emotionally or otherwise, to have sex with you against his beliefs? I would be interested to know what would be the reaction of everyone if the genders in this case were reversed. I think DN hit it on the head here...this is key. If you were a guy, everyone would jump all over this telling you it's wrong to try to pressure a woman into sex. The same should apply here BUT I'm not saying that you are wrong for wanting sex...that's natural, normal, healthy...if your needs are not being fulfilled in this relationship (and I fully believe sexual compatibility is key to a good relationship) then don't hang around because it will just make you resent him over time for his beliefs. You have a right to be sexually fulfilled in a relationship but if your bf doesn't want to have sex, then you have two options, one is to stay and enjoy other ways of pleasing each other sexually, and the other is to leave. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 First I have to say, I wouldn't try and change his beliefs. I do respect this man a great deal. Leaving him, wouldn't that be implying that I only wanted sex and when it wasn't fulfilled I moved on???? Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 First I have to say, I wouldn't try and change his beliefs. I do respect this man a great deal. Leaving him, wouldn't that be implying that I only wanted sex and when it wasn't fulfilled I moved on???? No. It would be implying that you need sex after a certain point in a relationship, after getting to a certain level of seriousness and that's perfectly okay. Be true to yourself and do what will make YOU happy in the long run. Don't worry about what your actions may or may not imply. You can't control that. All you can control is your actions themselves...what others infer from them is up to them. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 Thank you Lady00 for your response...I called and left him a voice message telling him we need to talk tonight, face to face...The one thing I told myself I wouldn't do in a relationship, I am basically doing...I AM SETTLING...Putting my feelings aside and I can't do that anymore.... Link to comment
Wimpy Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 He told you at the very beginning that he wasn't wanting to have a sexual relationship until he was married. You entered into the relationship knowing that. Sounds like he's carried on as he started. You did know this going in so I don't think it's fair to now say it's causing a problem. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 Yes, he told me at the beginning...Honestly, I didn't believe him. And when we started messing around, doing other things with one another, I thought eventually we would make love...His actions does not make any sense to me...If you aren't going to be intimate, then why do everything but penetrate... Link to comment
DN Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Yes, he told me at the beginning...Honestly, I didn't believe him. And when we started messing around, doing other things with one another, I thought eventually we would make love...His actions does not make any sense to me...If you aren't going to be intimate, then why do everything but penetrate... Because for many people that is the sex act and they believe it is wrong to do it before marriage. Frankly, I don't understand why you can't get that. The point is that it makes sense to him. Someone asked you why he gets to make the rules. I ask why should you get to make them? You keep saying you don't want to make him go against his beliefs but that is what you are indeed trying to do. What otherwise is the point of the talk tonight? What are you going to say? "Have sex with me or I am going to leave you?" If you really don't want to pressure him into doing something he believes is wrong the only ethical way to handle it is to either put up with it or leave him. You have to make that decision but it is not fair to make him be the one to have to decide. And that is what you are trying to do. The chances are that by forcing this issue, you will lose either way. He will refuse and you leave him, or he caves in and will then resent you. You either lose the relationship entirely or have a damaged one that could be corroded eventually anyway. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 Listen, I am not trying to make him go against his beliefs...And it seems it will be best if I do just move on. Sex is an important part of a relationship. We both care about one another but it's not a guarantee that we will get married. Why is it okay for us to do other things sexually and not the actual intercourse? Isn't that sinning as well???? Link to comment
DN Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Why is it okay for us to do other things sexually and not the actual intercourse? Isn't that sinning as well???? I am an agnostic and don't believe sex before marriage is a sin. I do know that for many Christians fornication is defined as the actual sex act - i.e. penetration. But all that is irrelevant. What is relevant to him is what he believes is a sin. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 So, the right thing for me to do is get out of the relationship and be with someone who has the same beliefs as I do...Truly, it's not fair to either of us... Link to comment
DN Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 What alternatives do you have: 1. Put up with no sex. 2. Tell him if he wants to keep you he has to act against his beliefs. 3. Leave him because he has already stated his beliefs and you respect his right to hold them and stand by them, but you cannot put up with no sex. I may have missed an alternative but I can't see it. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 I wouldn't want him to go against his beliefs for me. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him doing that. Sex doesn't make a relationship but once again I will say, it's an important factor to me. The only thing I know to do is to walk away...I respect him for sticking to his beliefs and not falling short because of me. Maybe friendship is all we are meant to have....Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts, opinions and advise. Greatly appreciated.... Link to comment
DN Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Actually I did think of another alternative which is to get married. Not advocating it necessarily but it is an option if you both want to. Or at least engaged so you have a timeframe. Link to comment
summertt Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 No, marriage is not an option at this point. I have only been involved with him for 6 months... Link to comment
SilverManic Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 I think you should have thought of that when he told you before hand. If it's part of his belif system then he's not going to change his mind. I know exactly how you feel because I have a different but simular situation. My boyfriend is ill and he can't, so we don't because I don't want him to be in pain. At the end of the day the simple question is 'do you love him?' if you do then you would wait for him. Is another year really that hard? If it gets that bad you can always find some other way of turning yourself on. Why does it have to be him? ~S. Link to comment
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