A Lost Odyssey

[Carus]

Carus, your advice is amazing ! X

Thankyou for your kind words.

 

I'm learning a lot as I deal with a heartbreak the likes I've not seen much of.

 

So when someone says '4 years', I totally get it.

 

@Petals ~ Hope you're day is going ok*

 

Much Love

 

Carus*

[lois111]

Hi Carus I am so impressed with the help you give people. I understand 4 yrs also-I am nearly 3 years out and it has been a long hard road.

 

 

 

Thankyou for your kind words.

 

I'm learning a lot as I deal with a heartbreak the likes I've not seen much of.

 

So when someone says '4 years', I totally get it.

 

@Petals ~ Hope you're day is going ok*

 

Much Love

 

Carus*

[Carus]

Hi Carus I am so impressed with the help you give people. I understand 4 yrs also-I am nearly 3 years out and it has been a long hard road.

Thankyou again....I've found paying it forward does help me as well....

 

I used to work as a counselor and a damn good one too if I say so myself :)

 

Until the demise of my marriage and loss of everything decapitated me and I had to step away...

 

Suddenly, all the tools and knowledge I had that had helped so many others were of little use to me....Pretty ironic huh :-/

 

But that's the rub...The common point is that people breakup every single day, but we all react differently due to varying reasons....

 

It took me 3 years to heal completely from a previous relationship...This one is ongoing at around 14 months...

 

But to those of us that have these lengthy recovery times, don't let anyone tell you that you SHOULD be over it by now....

 

I mean, who wrote the rule book on 'Healing Time Frames'...? I'm yet to read it....

 

The DSM-5 says that if you have ongoing symptoms for more than 2 weeks then you have depression....I mean really? 2 weeks...?

 

But when it does go on over a certain amount of time, it becomes what is known as Complicated Grief, and that requires help to work through...Very hard to do it on your own...

 

It also shows you have a capacity to love deeply and great strength to be still pushing on after such an amount of time....Many don't make it*

 

That said, there are certainly things that will help you, and other things that will hinder you, and all we can do is suggest the things that will help and accept that it will take that person as long as it takes...So long as they/we keep trying...

 

Hopefully Petals will check in soon*

 

Regards

 

Carus*

[Carus]

I just had a further thought: In some cases we find that even though the ex has long gone, we still struggle to let go of that pain that remains. We get used to that pain and it is one of the last strings of attachment to our identity... In some ways it's like "If I let go of this pain then who am I..?"

 

But once we can do that last bit, then our new identity will kick in and blossom*

 

Let's keep walking* :)

[Mike5]

Carus, beautiful words as always.

 

I've been thinking about your last point recently. On the days when I am numb I tell myself I should feel grateful, but I can't, because the pain is at least a sign that we are alive, that we loved, that we have more love to give. if I go permanently numb, then what is there? And then you think if you do go numb, it somehow devalues the value of the lost relationship. It is all so damn complicated!

 

And yes, anyone who tells someone that they 'should be over it by now' just doesn't get it. I'm 8 months out, been having a relapse lately, found myself tearing up in the afternoon.

 

I think what many people don't get about long-term relationships that break is that the mourner is not just mourning the loss of the other person, they are mourning, more deeply even maybe, the loss of their future, their life plan and so on. it's a whole structural thing, not just a "Oh I've lost this person" thing. And as you get older such devastating and all-encompassing break-ups become harder and harder to recover from.

[Carus]

Hey Mike* - Always good to 'see' you. Glad to hear you're pushing on.

 

Your post is on point. The associated losses from a LTR or marriage are many and devastating.

 

I think I've said this before but when someone dies, they die for everyone and there is an outpouring of support from the community.

 

We have rituals around it. Funeral, wake, people send flowers etc...It's horrible no doubt but it's final....

 

But when someone leaves we aren't forwarded the same understanding. They only die for us. For everyone else they are still very much alive. I mean, have you ever seen any 'Sorry for your Divorce ' cards...?

 

The other difficulty is that you KNOW that person is still there just over the hill somewhere. This sets a lot of us off down the 'trying to get them back' path...A path fraught with psychological landmines that can take a long time to heal....

 

Hoping everyone is going ok and doing what needs to be done...

 

Xmas/NY is my next hurdle...as it will be for many others too.

 

But this too will come and go.

 

Love and Light

Ever Forward

 

Carus*