hurt so much – it's gone from bad to worse

[lgirl]

i hope someone out there can help, i am in such a bad way. my ldr bf broke up with me out of the blue 3 weeks ago (see my original thread 'Please help, I'm so confused in Getting Back Together). we have had some contact (he's called me) and having read many posts here, it's been hard but i have obeyed the NC rule. i finally thought we might be working towards a reconciliation as he has said he doesn't want to lose me.

anyway, the killer punch is that i have found out he's been seeing this 'friend' during this time! he told me it wass something that should never have happened, he's not in love with her and that it was a mistake and is even trying to put some distance between them because she's 'moving too fast' for him and it's not what he wants. he told me he ended going to her after we had our bust-up (initiated by him; total surprise to me), that it was a one-off, although he's been spending time round at hers rather than be at home. have told him that a condition to being in my life is for him to cease all contact with her. he's dragged his feet so far because she's in his neighbourhood and 'too close to home' – her man has now threatened him and there's a road in his neighbourhood that he can't walk down because of it – although he has assured me he will put it right.

 

i am in the most awful place. i can't believe this has happened. even though he has said (and in my shock, i gave him the impression) that we cld work through things, i know in my heart this is just too much for my self-respect to bear. i can understand and even forgive the one-off thing, but he's made it too messy. and i can't switch off from it – he told me 6 months ago, when i picked up on the fact she was flirting with him, that this friend (his friend's on-off girl), is a big barrel of a woman, who if i saw her i, i'd understand why he cld never go near her etc, etc. but he has – all because he got some sympathy. he's putting it down to a moment of madness, but she thinks he's her bf now – he told me she's told her work colleagues (which he's not happy about). he also told me this was completely out of character for him and he couldn't believe he was in that situation (even told me how uncomfortable he was with her physically which she noticed). i have been done in with too much info. more than i need to know and he doesn't seem to understand – when i said he needs to win my trust again, he sounded surprised.

 

i haven't eaten a square meal for 2 weeks now, i feel so heartbroken, and cannot believe the balance of power still lies with him – he broke up with me, he's straightening things out (while i wait) and ultimately, he's the one saying he wants to 'put a smile back' on my face and 'then see' about being my bf again. i was in so much shock speaking to him – his 'revelation' came out right at the beginning of the conv, and we were on the phone for over 4 hrs. at the end he felt he had closure about certain stuff and thanked me because he felt better than he has over the last few weeks (said he's been feeling miserable and unable to concentrate because of the heartache of our relationship not working out, as he saw it).

 

but i didn't. just felt so shell-shocked afterwards. had so wanted to normalise things that i put all my energy into steering us to the reconciliation – my objective before i found out about bis 'indiscretion'. was in such shock i just reverted to my original 'script' and left it he would call me, but i don't even know when.

 

can't believe how all this sounds and am mortified that he just sounds like a total dickhead here – not the man i got involved with and so different to just 3 weeks ago i don't recognise him. never had any cause to doubt him and was so secure in his love until literally the end of last month. i believe him when he says it was a mistake, but it's HOW he's gone about things i can't stomach.

 

i'm now in no-man's land – can't go back, don't feel he cld make it better, and no way forward. i was so hoping we cld work thru all this before i found out about her. but i can't think straight. don't know how to proceed for the best. so how do i redress the balance of power? get it back on my terms? get a chance to have my day in court, as it were? i need to put this right for myself and make him realise what he's done. WHAT DO I DO NOW? please help. i feel so disempowered.

[Hope75]

lgirl,

 

Even though you have been letting him call all of the shots here, YOU are the one in control of your life, and if you are tired of feeling helpless, take the control back.

 

I am sorry but he jumped in with a friend's gf (on or off doesn't really matter) right after breaking up with you, that doesn't show much respect for what you had, or for his supposed friend.

 

He is being really vague with you about the possibility of a reconciliation, and frankly, I'm not sure why you would want one.

 

Let's look at the facts.

 

1. He dumped you out of the blue

2. He started dating someone else immediately

3. The girl he dated was his friend's gf

 

Do these look like the qualities you would want in a bf?

 

Why would you want to be with him when he doesn't want to be with you?

 

The only way for you to take control is to walk away from him a resume your life, without him. Don't call him, don't email him, don't write, don't visit, and don't accept contact from him. You are worth more than this a deserve someone who wants to be with you, and he does not.

[zerogirl]

First off, it's great that you're not calling him. You're taking action right there (I call it being passively active). The man problem isn't your reaction, but getting to the heart of what you feel inside. That's where the real work comes in.

 

The bottom line is only love the people who actually love you and don't waste your time with the others.

 

When I was in your situation, I was told to buy a couple self-help books. I was reluctant to get them, but it was better than crying in my room all the time. One of them is written by a doctor and tells how woman bond differently in a relationship than men. This is why you're having such strong emotions about this. The book has a terrible title. It's called Getting to I Do. Ignore the cover and read the book. It had great advice inside for taking care of yourself in a relationship. It explains how men think: why they don't call you back, why did he sleep with that girl. there's even a chapter about dealing with the toad in every prince.

 

The second book that helped was another one with a terrible title, but good advice for getting the love you deserve. It's called The Rules. I had been feminist all my life and scoffed at these books before. There's a website that you can look up on google.

 

I actually went to some of the meetings. The woman really helped me through the pain. You have to start doing something other than being caught up in the relationship.

 

All this happened to me back in 1999. I was engaged to be married. My life really changed from this experience. I didn't start dating again until 2002. I found a wonderful man and we've been together for three years now. I'm incredibly happy and can't believe that I wasted so much time in dead-end relationships. It's important to listen to your feelings. Don't react impulsively. Think longterm and take good care of yourself. No one is worth this much pain. Good relationships are based on happiness, respect and trust. I don't believe in those drama filled relationships. They just sap your energy.

 

Good Luck!

[lillady898]

A few months back, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt so terrible. I didn't know where I was without him. I went through some of the feelings you are now. Didn't want to eat, depressed, etc. Then after a month or so, I realized how much better off I am. He's cheated on me, treated me awful, lied about countless things. SO gradually I got better. I was still a bit too attatched for my own good, however. It's so weird; I KNEW I was better without him, but could not just let go of our past together. Then... I found out that he's been seeing some "really good friend." In fact, without knowing it, I picked him up from college (a 2 hour drive) and took him home so he could see his "family." After I drove him back (total driving time in two days: 8 hrs.), turned out my ex hung out with this girl when he was at home... Probably top ten stupidest things I've done in the name of love. A love that I shouldn't have even been giving him, at that. Then I hear from a mutual friend that this girl and my ex are together. Turns out that's a lie. At that point I realized my ex had dragged me along wayy to long. I hope you realize this as well. It's really hard when you're in love with someone, but if you take time away from him, eventually you won't be blinded by love anymore and will realize that he is just not worth waiting around for. Life's way too short to be miserable over another person. You'll heal with time. It may not seem possible, but that's the only thing that will really make you get over him, as long as you allow it to.

[DN]

I really agree with Hope. This guy is causing you so much pain. Let him go and find someone who loves you as much as you love him. This guy does not. The sooner you let him go from your heart, the sooner you can heal and find someone.

[lgirl]

IN A NUTSHELL: my ldr bf broke up with me suddenly almost 4 weeks ago (see my original thread 'Please help, I'm so confused in Getting Back Together), and i found out last wkend he's been seeing his friend's gf during this time! he told me it should never have happened and that it was a mistake. said he ended going to her after we had our bust-up, that it was a one-off, although he's been spending time round at hers rather than be at home. he told me he doesn't want to lose me, and I told him that he has to cease all contact with her if that's the case, but he's dragging his feet so far because she's in his neighbourhood and 'too close to home'. i was in so much shock speaking to him – his 'revelation' came out right at the beginning of our last conv, and we were on the phone for over 4 hrs – that i gave him the impression we could work things through, and he agreed.

 

THE PROBLEM: i feel as though if he'd beaten me up i wouldn't feel this bruised. i literally feel like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, when she's lying in the hospital bed before they amputate her leg. he's laid me out with such a cruel sucker punch – never saw it coming. feel i should be picking myself up, but i can't even stand up i feel so weak.

 

although my head's telling me i can't be involved with someone who could treat me like this, betray me so deeply, i still can't believe this has happened. i can't escape the harsh facts of how he's treated me and i know in my heart this is just too much for my self-respect to bear. but i can't switch off from it – all the unnecessary details he gave me; he has been unflinchingly blunt with me while still declaring he loves me (!). i feel so stupid that this has happened to me and that i'm in such a sorry state. have been in so much SHOCK. he is not the person i knew; he has brought so much shame on me. i feel so humiliated by it all.

 

i haven't eaten a square meal for almost a month now, the only break i get from it all is when i physically pass out in the early hours, and to make it worse it feels like the balance of power still lies with him – he broke up with me yet he's the one saying he wants to 'put a smile back' on my face and 'then see' about being my bf again.

 

i can't think straight. how do i redress the balance of power? get it back on my terms? i need to put this right for myself and make him realise what he's done. he can't be allowed to do this to me and get away with it.

 

WHAT DO I DO NOW? please help. i feel so disempowered. i don't know how to pick myself up from this.