My ex wants to get back. I don't know what to do

[dg9159]

Sorry for the really long message but I feel that it's important to know the whole story.

 

So I was dating this girl for around a year and a half. The first 6 months we dated normally while the other 12 months where spent long distance. I left my home country to read for a master's degree abroad and to also work there after I get my masters. This was already a problem in our relationship because before knowing that I wanted to move abroad we had a conversation about this and she told me that she wouldn't want to live abroad (I was 22 at the time and she was 20). So when I took this decision I also decided to end things with her (about 5-6 months into the relationship, so exactly before going abroad). The reasons where that:

1. I was in an LDR before and I was extremely unhappy due to the distance and all that an LDR brings along with it.
   
2. She told me that living abroad wasn't something she really wanted to do and it was my dream to live abroad for a couple of years for quite some time.
   
3. 
   

 

However, we kept in touch as admittedly we enjoyed each other's company and had no other reasons to break up other than the 2 mentioned before. At one point she told me that she needed to know if we would get together or not, because if not she needed to start moving on. She had also told me that she was now willing to move here with me (in the following year or at the end of my masters). Admittedly I didn't give it much thought at this point and said yes to her as I thought to myself "well I really like this girl and also if she comes here maybe we could form a nice bond between us". So that was it. It was okay at some point but there were moments when it was difficult. One moment that was difficult for me personally was when we had a fight because she told me that if she's willing to make a sacrifice and move here for me, then if she doesn't like it she expects me to move back to our home country together. I wasn't too happy about this because I had made it clear that I really wanted to work and study here and I had even broken up with her previously so that I could do this. She called me selfish but I didn't feel that I was selfish because it was just something I really wanted to do and I never ever tried to force her to move here with me. After a while she told me that she wasn't expecting this of me anymore.

 

This was about 2-3 months into the LDR and after this point things started to take a turn for the worse. She would often tell me that she's unhappy with the situation and that she doesn't know if she can do this for much longer. I was very very busy with my masters and we sometimes wouldn't talk for a week. She works full time and would sometimes arrive home dead tired and simply go to sleep. But we didn't really complain about this because we understood that we were both busy. Also, something that was a problem (maybe more for me than her) was the sex part of an LDR. We weren't having sex (obviously) and we would complain to each other about this but we both knew that there wasn't much to do. We talked about what we can do and tried "Skype sex" but after trying it two times she told me that she's not really comfortable doing that and it doesn't do much for her anyway. So we both decided not to do that anymore because if we do that it should be something that we both enjoy.

 

So now we were just feeling both lonely, sad, and horny. Around February we had a major fight. She wanted me to go back home for the summer while I wanted to work here. I had two reasons for this 1) I needed to work and make some money because the money I had was running out, 2) I wanted to have a foot in the job market here, and 3) I had to find a place to rent (as the contract for the place I was staying in was going to expire before the summer starts and I had to move out) and so I needed to pay for this rent. A side note: I could have worked back home for the summer BUT the wage in the country I'm from is wayyyy less than the one I got here and I would have worked an entire summer just to be able to afford rent. We almost broke up because she kept insisting about this, but we didn't and we kept the relationship going.

 

It was mostly much of the same. We missed each other but we were also miserable in the way we were living. I had friends telling me that they would be out and should would just start crying. I was also feeling really bad and unhappy day in day out and I couldn't stop thinking that the LDR is making me unhappy. I couldn't remove this thought, it just kept nagging me. During all of this I was also extremely stressed with my masters which didn't help at all.

 

I reached a point were I really wanted to break up but I would always keep telling myself "lets wait until she visits, maybe things will get better after that". The reason I thought this was because when we're together we never fight and we really clicked. It's weird to explain, I don't feel that we really want the same things in life (or at least now). I'm more focused on school, work, and travelling while she's not really interested in that. However, we still clicked in some way and really enjoyed each other's company.

 

However, I would only be okay for a couple of days and then I would go back to being miserable. She was also complaining that she was feeling sad really quickly after our meetings. Finally summer came, I had booked my flights to go back home for a month only (I had a 3 month summer and working for 2 months where I now live was enough for me to pay rent and have money for vacations). However, about 3 weeks before going back home I decided to break-up.

 

My reasoning was that I was telling myself that things would get better for months now but they didn't feel that way. Also, I was so tired of being miserable that I felt that going there and spending a month with her knowing well and good that I'll probably go back to being miserable was not nice of me to do to her (if I were in her position I would want to know). Also, I wanted to protect myself because I felt that after a month together I was just going to hurt even more when the time came for me to leave again. So I broke up with her. It was the worst thing I ever had to do. I cried for a couple of days but after a while I stopped. However, I was still feeling sad from time to time and I doubted my decision at least once a day. But I didn't feel miserable 24/7, which was a good thing.

 

During these three weeks she contacted me a couple of times. She was mostly pissed off at me for silly things. An example of this was that I was finally working (and not studying) in a foreign country and I had more time to explore the place. Because of this I was posting a lot of Instagram stories (just because I enjoy it) and she sent me messages telling me that I seem to be moving on quite fast. I never said anything nasty to her. I accepted that I hurt her and that she needed to vent. She also messaged me because she had left some of her make-up stuff at my place and asked me to bring them back with me to give them to her.

 

So finally the day arrived for me to go back home for a month of vacations. I met with her the day that I landed and gave her the stuff she left. She asked me again if I would consider getting back together. I looked at her and a part of me wanted to say "yes" to her but another part of me knew how miserable I was in an LDR and I wanted to give myself the chance to see how I would feel not being in one. So I said no instead, but "no" doesn't mean "No, you, I don't care about you anymore". After I said no she (genuinely) had a panic attack and I stayed with her, calmed her down, and comforted her until it was over. After this she asked me again to reconsider my decision because she said "You're telling me that you don't want to be with me but they way you look and speak to me say otherwise.". I said "no" again but she asked me again and this time I decided to say "yes" because seeing her made me feel different. All of this happened on a Wednesday.

 

Then came Friday, we both went out to a club (which happened to be the same one). I met with my friends that I hadn't seen in a really really long time and we got super wasted. Apparently she saw me and looked at me, and said I looked at her as well but ignored her. I still swear to this day that I did not see her that night. She told me this at 4:30 am after the night out and was calling me an for not speaking to her. I panicked because I honestly didn't see her and told her that if she wants we could meet (yes at 4:30am, I live in a small place) and talk. This was a mistake as we were both drunk and we ended up having sex and she then slept over.

 

The next morning she woke up and thought things were back to normal, I explained to her that they weren't and she got really pissed off at me. I still feel sorry for this because it wasn't a nice thing to do but when I asked her to meet with me to talk I didn't have the intention of sleeping with her. Anyway, that same day she just spent the whole day sending me horrible messages and wishing for the worst things to happen to me. The next day (Sunday) she messaged me again and apologized for saying all those things to me and hoped that we could still keep in contact. I said it was okay and that I get why she was angry at me and that we could stay in contact. In the meantime I was seeing a psychologist (because I had spent so many months struggling between wanting to break up and also wanting to stay in the relationship that I had built up a lot of anxiety). She also said that she didn't want to be mean to me because she gets that I needed help and it wasn't fair to pressure me.

 

Then came Monday and she asked me how I'm doing, we had a talk, and she told me that she'd like to remain friends. I told her that if she was a 100% certain about this then we could try being friends. We spent two weeks meeting here and there, and then came my last week at home. On Monday she texted me in the morning that she needed to speak to me. So we met and she told me that she's in fact not okay with us just being friends and she thinks that we should stop communicating. We both cried but that was it, it was sad but we both understood (or so I thought). That same evening she texted me again saying that what she said in the morning is not what she really wants and that she'd like to really try being friends. I was unsure about this because it seemed like she didn't really want that and I didn't want to be an to her by saying "lets be friends" while I know she's suffering. However, she told me that this wouldn't be the case. So for that final week we met almost daily as it was the last week. Everything seemed fine.

 

The day came when I had to go back, and it was all okay. She told me that she was really fine with us being friends and was even planning of visiting a friend of hers which lives close to the country that I live in and that she would like to visit me for a couple of days. Fast forward 3 days and she suddenly told me that she's not okay with being friends and that I had a day or two to take a decision. Either we get back together or we won't speak to each other ever again. Now remember when I said that I had to see a psychologist? This isn't something I mention so that people can be sympathetic with me. Whenever I'm faced with situations like this I get anxiety so severe that my body just freezes and my mind just stops working. I'm in constant panic and I just feel like I want to die. I told her that she needs to give me more time to think about this because she knows how I get and I'm just unable to process things. I'm not trying to sound like I have some disability or anything. I get that it's something that I can overcome (and I am) but right now it's just the way I am. I also just started the second year of the master's and I already had a lot of work to do.

 

She said she wasn't really willing to do that. Two days later she went out and got drunk and she decided to start messaging me. The messages weren't pretty. She told me that she hated me and that she doesn't want to see me anymore and that I didn't deserve her. Following this she blocked me from social media and 15mins later she unblocked me to keep insulting me. That same night I had some friends over for a small party at my place. I was already feeling depressed and anxious from having a couple of days to think about this (even though I broke up with her almost 2 months before, but every time she asks me I just start doubting my decision.) so I told her that we could continue this discussion the next day. She didn't really want to but I told her that I had enough and if she didn't want to wait she could block me again.

 

The next day came and it was much of the same, although she this time she only swore at me and told me that she was sorry for insulting me the previous day. She then said she would be willing to wait till Tuesday for an answer. I wasn't happy about this but at this point I didn't have much fight left in me so I said okay. I also asked her not to talk to me for the next 2 days so I could think better. She didn't listen to me and instead hassled me on both days that I was meant to be left alone. I then told her that if she really wants an answer she just needs to wait. I'm not trying to string her along but I was honestly unhappy in an LDR and if I get back into it I would have to be a 100% prepared for this sadness to come again. She told me she would wait and not talk to me until I give her an answer.

 

However, things had now gotten a bit more complicated. She found a new job which she was excited for (and I was honestly happy for her), but this new job meant that if we got back together we would have the extend the LDR by 4 months. Meaning another 14-15months of LDR. She also told me that she could now try and visit once a month (for 3-4 days each time).

 

The actual time she was willing to wait (as I later found out) was 7 days. I found this out because she would message me from time to time to see how I'm doing and also ask me if I knew when I would be able to tell her my decision. She didn't hassle me at this point but still spoke to me. However I was now confused more than ever. Here's whats going through my mind:

 

• I was unhappy in an LDR, now it got extended, BUT she says she could visit me once a month.
  
• She says she wants to move her but I feel like she would only do it because I'm here. She has admitted to me that she feels like she's too young to go live abroad and also the place I came to wouldn't be her first choice. Mostly due to the weather being here for most of the year. This makes me feel uncomfortable as I really don't want to have to leave here before I feel the time is right.
  
• I must admit that at this stage, my eyes have started to wander. I haven't been with anyone else, honestly. However, I find myself fantasizing about other women often.
  
• I feel that there is a lot of commitment and relationship hassle and that at my age I don't want to deal with this. I just want to focus on my studies and more importantly, being happy.
  
• Even with all this, I still have feelings for this girl and when we're together we NEVER fight or anything and I'm thinking that maybe I'm just being stupid.
  

 

I now have 24 hrs left until I have to give her my decision. Honestly, I mostly feel that at this point the best thing to do is just to tell her that we should stay broken up and cut all communication. But there is something inside of me that feels wrong about this. Like maybe I'm being silly or I'm overthinking things too much (I get that this could simply be fear of being alone but I really don't know. I've thought about this and got no answer from myself). A part of me also feels that being together here might ruin what I had in mind and I won't really get to do the things I've wanted to do for years.

 

So I know that finally I need to take this decision and no one can take it for me. But after reading all this, what's your opinion? Please refrain yourself from being mean or rude if you feel the need to so. I am honestly struggling a lot and even though I know I did some mistakes in the relationship and might have been an at times, I never meant to hurt anyone.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

[DancingFool]

I think you are both way way way too young to get serious. You need to focus on your studies and pursue your life and yes, date around a bit. This girl seems great until you meet another one who is just better. The fact of the matter is that despite all, you both have serious incompatibilities and you are 100% correct in not wanting to be responsible for her moving to this country just to be with you and for no other reason. In the end, it will be a pain for the both of you. Relationships like this simply don't survive in the long run. On top of that, you are both in the middle of that time of life where you are growing, maturing and changing and still have a lot of that to do before you really know who you are and who you need to be with. So, I'd let her go and move on and I wouldn't recommend maintaining any kind of friendship or ongoing connection. Cutting your ex off will hurt, but overall it will be healthier and help you move on. Since your eye is beginning to wonder....you are already starting to move on whether you are fully ready to accept that or not. Don't drag this out until one day you end up cheating or something very close to that. Learning to let go is important.

[RayRay63]

LDRs are hard. Which you know already. Like DF says, you are really young. It seems like you are both dissatisfied with the LDR, even with conjugal visits*, and even with an end date to the distance aspect in sight. That end date is a key thing.

 

[* if 'conjugal visits' sounds like a prison thing, that is deliberate. An LDR is only marginally better than a relationship with someone doing time, IMHO]

 

Maybe you could try a bit of clearly communicated middle ground with her -

 

we should stay broken up

 

instead of that, maybe you could say the LDR thing is difficult and not giving us what we want, let's stay in a looser arrangement until the geography sorts itself out in a year or so's time. So yes, we will do visits, yes we will communicate and give each other emotional support, but we are not in a monogamous thing, so we can relax and enjoy ourselves until then, knowing that when the time (and geography) comes we will have a proper go at it.

 

But be prepared for the consequences -

 

The Good: You get the honeymoon phase a few times a year, although briefly.

 

The Bad: You both have to put up with the fact that there are likely to be other people in the bed(s) in between.

 

The Ugly: One of you falls in love with someone else and opts out.

 

Maybe this is better though, because you don't get the hurt now, and the ugly bit may never come about either, or turn out to be a temporary thing.

 

 

and cut all communication

 

It sounds to me like this is all about geography, so I would say you do not need to do that. Unless the ugly thing happens, at which point its a whole new ball game.

 

What have you got to lose if the alternative is a complete termination of the relationship and hurt all around?

 

Hope that gives you some ideas about options in the grey area. Your situation does not seem black and white.

[SGH]

Been here and done this with (I'm honestly surprised to say) a little less drama. Try to focus on the facts of the situation. Your goals, values, and lives are entirely different, and you're not committed to being with her forever.

 

The guy I was involved with long distance was a little over 3 years younger than me (I'm 26). I still think about him all the time and get sad occasionally, because for me he could have been the one. Education, work, and other incompatibilities ended the relationship, though, and we both elected to go no contact once it was through. It sucks not knowing how he is and if he still cares etc., but that choice helped me move on with my life and be happy again. Cut the contact and stop being responsible for your ex's emotions. You both will be better off for it.

[dg9159]

Well, this is what "being friends" means. She's not okay with that. She told me that either we're together and fully committed or else we won't see or speak to each other anymore

[RayRay63]

If she is going to carry on like that, tell her you don't do ultimatums, and won't do the LDR thing.

 

If the geography changes in the future, she can give you a call if she wants.

 

But do you really want to be with some one who delivers ultimatums long term?

 

Be strong, maintain your value.