My bf's ex is determined to get him back

[Pips Estella]

It's been a few months since I've been in a new relationship, but my boyfriend's ex has never left the scene. Or so it feels. She often sends him letters; at first, they were notes begging him to come back with her, and how he'd ruined her life by breaking up with her. But then her letters became less desperate. Her basic message was "I am prepared to wait for you to come back to me, no matter how long it takes". NOW she has started sending photos of herself as she's trying to become a model. ARGH! Will it never stop??!

 

I'm getting a bit worried about how my boyfriend is reacting to all this. He didn't have any complaints about their five and a half year relationship - he simply ended it all to be with me. The danger is, when he sees these letters and photos, he gets reminded of what was, and how great it was. It feels like the pressure's on me to be the World's Best Girlfriend. Why? Because if we argue, or I don't do things he likes, I fear he'll start wanting his old girlfriend back.

 

Is it fair that she's sending him modelling photos and letters under the guise of being just his friend? What should I do if my boyfriend keeps the photos and looks at them from time to time - should I see it as him wanting to get back with his ex?

[coolchick]

Does the ex know that her former boyfriend has a new girlfriend? If she doesnt and the relationship was great then she's probably finding it extremely hard to get over him as there was no real reason for the breakup. If the ex knows that you and he are going out now then its your boyfriend who should be taking steps to make sure that she is no longer in his life. He made the decision to be with you instead of her and he must tell her this. Has he tried changing his number? and when the letters and photo's come through the post, as soon as he recognises her writing he should just throw them automatically in the bin! If he isnt doing this then he is basically enjoying the attention he is getting from her and he's not giving you the respect you deserve. I know that if he cares about you then the first person who's feelings he should be thinking about is yours.

Try talking to him about the way this is making you feel and how he would like it if the situation was reversed. He might take some action. Good luck!

[Hope75]

Hi Pip,

 

I always cringe when I hear of a person jumping immediately from one relationship to another, without taking any time to decompress or recover thier feelings for the ex before diving into a new relationship.

 

After 5 1/2 years together you can bet there was alot of feelings left when he left his ex. You didn't say how your boyfriend has reacted to the letters and pictures, how is he handling it? What has he said to you about it?

 

His ex does not have a right to be harassing him. No doubt she is hurt, and after a long history together it is going to take her some time to get over him. However, her behaviour now is pretty self destructive, but that isn't your problem. It is out of your control.

 

How your boyfriend handles it is more the issue. If he does not open the letters, and writes "return to sender" on the envelopes and drops them back in the mailbox, maybe and hopefully she will get the hint. If he opens them and keeps them, he is expressing interest in what's going on with her, and then it's up to you what you are willing to accept.

 

The only thing you can control is this situation is what you will tolorate, and what you will do with yourself about it. You should not constantly be feeling as though you are in competition with this ex. Since your bf left her for you, maybe you are having doubts and feelings as though he could leave you for her again? (not the kind of guy I'd want around)

 

Either way, if you don't feel confident and secure about your position as his gf, talk to him about it. If you don't get the response and answers you are looking for, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

[alonegirl]

After ending a 5 1/2 year realtionship to be with you I am sure he has not healed from his relationship with his ex. If he is accepting her letters and looking at her pictures maybe there is something there he is not ready to let go of yet. 5 1/2 years is a very long time there are going to be a lot of feelings towards her regardless if he wants to be with her again.

 

You should not feel as though you always have to be the world's greatest girlfriend everyone has problems. However seeing as how he left a relationship to be with you I could see where you might be afraid he will do the same to you. (Doesn't really sound like a good relationship)

 

My ex-boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me to be with somone else, and I don't harass him or anything like that but I can understand where she would be having a hard time dealing with it. It is very painful. Either way if he wants this to stop he needs to put a end to it.

[someguy69]

Maybe the boyfriend has difficulty with conflict, and being, "mean" to his ex?

[Pips Estella]

At first, my boyfriend was getting so frustrated by his ex, especially when she'd call him three times a day just following their breakup, crying, hyperventilating, cursing him, etc. But when she calmed down and started to send "I'll wait for you" letters, he didn't appear to have any reaction in front of me at all. He just simply kept the letters. My boyfriend is pretty private, but I wish he could find it in him to discuss openly about his feelings for his ex with me. I guess that just doesn't happen in the real world. In not talking to me, he either wants to protect me or hide something.

 

As for the photos, I know he'll keep them. I have no idea whether he'll look at them longingly, or indifferently, or even turned on by them. I don't know. But I have to say that I feel quite insulted that she has sent them. She KNOWS he is in a new relationship with someone else. And she must know that modelling pictures of her looking her best are going to have some sort of emotional impact on him. So, as the new girlfriend, and a human being, I'm being totally disrespected.

 

Maybe I'm just jealous, but I hate feeling like my ex is manipulating my boyfriend.

[codaaurora]

I hate to be this brutally honest, but why would you want to be with a man who left a long term relationship to be with you when he didn't have any complaints about the previous relationship? Doesn't that scare you a little bit?

 

Were you two together before he broke up with his ex? Were you just platonic friends that decided to give it a chance and that's why he broke up with his girlfriend?

[Pips Estella]

Yes, it is beginning to scare me that my boyfriend left his ex just to be with me, but other than that, had no complaints about the relationship.

 

I do want to be with him, but there is always this niggling insecurity that I might not be what he's looking for. His ex OBVIOUSLY was as they were like two peas in a pod for over five years. It's one thing I've never really thought about before, to be honest...

 

He assures me that he doesn't want to get back with his ex. He also mentioned that he was beginning to get bored in their relationship, that it got to the point where nothing she did really interested him anymore. I mean, she told him that she would do ANYTHING he wanted if he would just stay with her and not finish their relationship. But apparently, he dismissed this plea because his feelings for her had changed. Either that, at least his feelings for me had grown and strengthened to the point in which he simply couldn't ignore them anymore.

 

Hmm...I'm not sure whether to get out of this one and save my own skin, or to stick it out.

[chai714]

He didn't have any complaints about their five and a half year relationship - he simply ended it all to be with me. The danger is, when he sees these letters and photos, he gets reminded of what was, and how great it was. It feels like the pressure's on me to be the World's Best Girlfriend. Why? Because if we argue, or I don't do things he likes, I fear he'll start wanting his old girlfriend back.

 

Something went wrong with your man and his ex's relationship. He did not break up with him just to be with you. Meeting YOU only made it easier for him to leave his already troubled relationship.

 

I assume your bf shared these letters and/or photos with you. If this was the case, then you have nothing to worry about. Do not show your insecurity or jealousy, as this is an unattractive trait.

 

If he didn't share with you the letters/photos and you discovered them on your own, then you should be concerned.

[Pips Estella]

It's weird. My boyfriend did show me most of the letters that his ex wrote him. But there's one that I did read that he hadn't shown me. (And yes I feel terribly guilty about snooping, but realise that at times of complete angst and fear and suspicion, it seems like the only thing to do.) It was the letter I previously referred to about her promising to wait for him. However, I'm not sure whether I should be concerned. The same message, albeit shorter, appeared in another letter that she sent him which he DID send me. So I don't feel like anything has necessarily been 'kept' from me.

 

However, I wonder whether these photos are going to somehow start reawakening his old feelings for her. I may just be completely paranoid!

[coolchick]

Your not getting paranoid atall. Dont think that any of this is your fault of that your not attractive or good enough for your boyfriend. After 5.5 years, its possible that he was getting bored and hasnt really discovered anything about women, apart from the one that he was going out with. Some people start to resent their partners if they havent had a chance to go out and explore other relationships and find out exactly what they want. If this girl is willing to wait however long it takes then i kinda feel sorry for her! What she going to do? Sit around and say no to any other potential guy that comes by, or if she finally meets someone else, dump him if your boyfriend wants her back? She sounds really needy and thats not an attractive trait in a girl! I definitely feel that your boyfriend needs to take action, if he's keeping the letters and photo's you need to ask yourself why? Dont feel as though you are being out of order to ask him, you deserve to know! your his girlfriend after all and if he's keeping things like that then its not fair to you. He needs to stop enjoying the attention so much before he loses you completely. I know that no one else would probably stick it out as long as you have!

[codaaurora]

At first' date=' my boyfriend was getting so frustrated by his ex, especially when she'd call him three times a day [u']just following their breakup[/u], crying, hyperventilating, cursing him, etc. But when she calmed down and started to send "I'll wait for you" letters......But I have to say that I feel quite insulted that she has sent them. She KNOWS he is in a new relationship with someone else. And she must know that modelling pictures of her looking her best are going to have some sort of emotional impact on him. So, as the new girlfriend, and a human being, I'm being totally disrespected.

 

Okay, so I just saw your post here and I am going to be a little hard on you here and I hope you're adult enough to take it.

 

You see, I don't have much sympathy for you and I have several reasons why. I'm hoping that you'll understand this and help yourself for the future.

 

Your first mistake was getting involved with a man who would leave someone he had been with for over 5 years for no other reason to be with another woman. Why? What were you two doing? Even if it were innocent, you still were giving him signals that you would be receptive to being with him. Was that right and fair of you? Were you being respectful to his ex? I don't believe you were.

 

Your second mistake was thinking that the ex would just go quietly into the night. She did not see this coming, he did this to her and moved on to you, probably with no warning to her. She didn't have the time to start to heal. Were either of you considerate and respectful enough of her to give your relationship a short break before getting right together? Even a couple of weeks would have been more considerate. To him, her and to you. This way you could be sure that you were want he wanted instead of just the flavor for right now.

 

Your third mistake is being upset with someone who is in pain and you helped cause that pain. Your talking like she has not right to send him pictures and write him letters when you are now his girlfriend. Ask yourself this, what were you doing when he was her's? Turn about fair play? Even if all you did was walk by his desk everyday and say nothing to him, you and I both know that he isn't going to leave someone just for a nice whiff of perfume passing by. You did something to encourage him and don't deny it.

 

I think that instead of being angry and incensed at her for her normal, natural reactions, that you should perhaps look at your own behaviour and see if there is anything that you can learn from it. Perhaps it will help you with the feelings of insecurity you are having now.

 

Good Luck to you.

[alonegirl]

The biggest complaint with the relationship was that it was boring and that she was starting to bore him, that is why he looked elsewhere. He wanted to feel that new and exciting feeling that he had lost with her. Rather than talking to her about it and trying to spice the relationship up he took the easy way by meeting someone else (no offense) That is why her pleas to get him to stay with her didn't work, he had someone new to move onto.

[coolchick]

Codaaurora

 

I can understand what your saying but i think it was a little harsh? It was the guy who left his ex to be with her. No one has to encourage another person in order for them to leave their partner. Maybe it was on the cards for a good while and she already mentioned that her boyfriend was getting bored in his previous relationship. You cant help falling in love with someone, and if they wanted to be together then they should. My ex broke up with me after 4 years for no reason atall and is now seeing someone else. It was the boyfriends decision and if anyone should be thinking about what the ex is feeling then it should be him. Not her. May i ask, did your partner leave you for someone else and thats what you feel this way? We are all here to help each other. Not PRESUME.

[alonegirl]

I must say that I agree with everything Codaaurora said it was a little harsh but it is the truth. My ex-boyfriend of 4 years broke off our relationship because he had met someone new at work. I know that she was not just an innocent bystander that did nothing to encourage this. I also know that he shouldn't of been having anything to do with her if he was in a relationship same as your boyfriend. I can tell you that I have chosen not to try to be involved with him or break his relationship up but I can see where some would because it is deserved. His relationship should of ended before you two became close, if he was that bored with her he should of broken up with her or at least talk to her about it. It is a very hurtful thing when somone you love leaves you to be with someone else for whatever reason. I am not saying that you should care about what she is feeling but maybe try to understand where she is coming from and why she is so hurt.

[codaaurora]

Coolchick, no my ex did not leave me for someone else, we were having major problems when it ended and then about a month and a half later he met and started dating someone else seriously (who he has already broken up with as he hasn't resolved his feelings for me and admitted he wasn't be fair to anyone else until he did).

 

The reason why I was harsh was because someone needed to be. I didn't accuse her of anything or call her a bad person. BUT, she is not entirely blameless here because she was getting angry and upset at the ex for going through the healing process. It's not the ex's fault that the man decided to start a relationship immediately after breaking up with her. Any woman who would start a relationship with a man who is just coming out of a relationship is not doing HERSELF any favors nor is she taking into consideration anyone else's feelings.

 

I needed to point out to her that she doesn't really have any right to be mad and angry at the ex for disrepecting her as the new gf when she admits that she got into the relationship with him right away. That means that something, however innocent, was going on with her and him before he had ended his relationship with his ex. That behaviour is disrespectful in and of itself.

 

I'm not saying that getting involved with someone like her present bf is a bad thing, I'm just saying that she needs to start seeing it from other perspectives instead of just wearing blinders. She got into this relationship full knowing the situation, she needs to see the consequences as well and stop blaming the ex for normal behaviour.

 

I think we should all be honest with each other, even if it's sometimes hard to hear. We need that in order to learn and grow and not make the same relationship mistakes in the future.

[coolchick]

I totally understand what you are saying. The ex has every right to be hurt and angry as the same thing happened to myself. My boyfriend broke up with me without a valid reason and started seeing someone else from work now. I cant help thinking that the relationship must have been growing while he was still with me. However, i think that the boyfriend has a great deal to blame in this department. He was the one who decided that he was getting bored in his relationship. If someone that you really liked told you that they wanted to be with you after a long time of having a girlfriend, it would be a hard thing to pass up. Them having a long term relationship cant change the way you feel about someone and how much you want to be with them. Sometimes thinking about ex's feelings isnt always the best way to go. If we did, never would be the right time to get together with the person.

[SandyD]

Ok... here´s my two cents... It doesn´t matter if the girl does or doesn´t have a "right" to be upset. She is upset, that´s as normal a reaction as the ex´s letters and pictures in an attempt to get her ex back.

 

What I truly don´t get is, and maybe it´s just me, but why is he sharing all this ex stuff with you (letters and such)? I understand being open and not having secrets... but, I think it´s weird that he would let you read those letters. Especially because this is someone he was with for a very long time, they have a history together, and I think it´s disrespectful for him to be openly sharing those letters with you. Would you like him to show letters you´ve written, in which you poured out your heart and soul, to his new girlfriend? I don´t know, I think that´s weird. Just my opinion though. Granted, you´re the new girlfriend, but how would you like to be treated if you were the ex?

 

 

He should cut all contact with her. But sometimes that isn´t very realistic to ask, because they were together for a long time. Since he jumped into a relationship with you without giving himself time to fully get over his ex, you will end up dealing with their closure issues. It will be part of the deal. I´m not saying he is still in love with her, since she was so boring and stuff (whatever that means), but the end of a long term relationship is always a process... not a severe cut. It takes time. That´s just how it is, no matter what the reason for the break up. You don´t have to like it, you shouldn´t have to put up with it, you shouldn´t be made to feel insecure... but... all is not perfect in the world of relationships.

[RayKay]

I agree with a LOT of what codaaura has said in the above post.

 

If it was the other way around, and your boyfriend suddenly left you after 5.5 years, and jumped into another relationship immediately, you would be feeling much the same way. She is going through the healing process and it likely feeling very hurt and confused.

 

This is a risk you take when you start getting involved with someone while in a relationship or right after one. Your man is however much he denies it quite possibly not suddenly over her either. He may not be IN love with her, but if he left just as he was bored, that does not mean he does not love her, or did not think through his choice, or work at it before leaving.

 

If he left her for you, I doubt somehow you did NOTHING at all to interfere with their relationship. Yes he is guilty too, but you KNOWINGLY messed with another women's men - even if it was just emotional it was crossing boundaries.

 

His ex is hurt, confused and is looking for answers, peace and some healing. After 5.5 years she probably hoped for more of a future together, and loves him deeply. At least she is showing it. I would be more concerned about him who seems to be denying he has feelings still. They may not be "in love" but there has to be something there. He keeps these things as some part of him does still care for her. As to how much I don't know.

 

The issue here is not between you and her, it is between you and him, and him and her. He should respect you by letting her know that he is in a relationship and she should limit the contact. You should talk to him about how you feel but respect that he should handle it. My guess is that you may be feeling somewhat insecure - if he jumped into this with you and left his gf of five years for you, maybe in back of your mind you wonder if he would do same to you. Understandable, but again a risk that was taken by getting involved. But he is being honest with you at least about it, so that should be a good sign, keep the communication flowing between you two. If he chose you, then you should try not to be angry at the ex, she will heal in time and leave you two alone more and more as time goes on. But do not let him juggle you two either, you should be the priority now...but after that long it is hard to just tell someone to get out of your life.....

[lady00]

I think that you may be suffering the problems of a rebound relationship. I don't know though...some believe that its not a rebound if the person leaves their ex in order to be with you but I personally think that a rebound is any relationship that starts right after one ended. I think your bf must have had other reasons why he wanted to leave his ex other than to be with you, because he wouldn't throw away 5 1/2 years just because he was attracted to someone else. I think it's a bad idea to get involved with someone who has just gotten out of a relationship because it means they are still dealing with the breakup. People need time to process breakups and to deal with all the emotions. Also, you would be furious if your bf did to you what he did to his ex so keep that in mind. Leaving someone after so long to be with someone else right away without even leaving any room in between is pretty cruel to the ex and it shows that your bf didn't respect what they had enough to take a break. He didn't have any time to mourn the loss of the relationship...even though he was the dumper, I think it's impossible not to be sad about something ending after so long. He hasn't taken the time to deal with it. My advice to you is to take things really slowly with this new relationship and try to encourage your bf to deal with his feelings about the breakup and if he needs it, give him the space to do that. Also, try to understand what his ex is going through. It is probably very painful for her and I have to believe that something was going on between you and your bf before they broke up. I'm not saying you were hooking up or anything but he had to have known that you wanted to be with him otherwise he could not have left her for you. It seems to me that there had to have been some kind of more-than-friendship emotional connection happening between you two while he still had a gf. Take things slowly, and guard your heart. If I were you I would fear him doing the same thing to you as he did to her.

[codaaurora]

Them having a long term relationship cant change the way you feel about someone and how much you want to be with them. Sometimes thinking about ex's feelings isnt always the best way to go. If we did, never would be the right time to get together with the person.

 

While this can be true, I (and this is my opinion only here) would truly question getting involved with somone right out of a long term relationship who said it was over because he was bored. I would ask him what he did to try and resolve that and really listen to his answers. I would ask about previous relationships and really listen to his answers there. BUT most of all, I have enough respect for myself and other people to not get invloved in a relationship right away. I would take my time and explain to him why. If that caused me to loose my change with him, then he wasn't worth my time. I personally don't care how long long someone's been in a relationship, that has no bearing on anything.

 

And if we don't take other people into consideration, how will we learn anything about ourselves or life? If you go through life thinking only for yourself, then perhaps this is the reason for the increased lack of respect in so many areas of our daily lives. We want people to respect us and treat us correctly but we very rarely try to see it from the other person's perspecitve. I personally think that is wrong.

 

Sometimes an ex is just a crazy ex, end of story, but most of the time it's a person that is truthfully hurting and there is always a reason why. What you need to try and find it is what caused that hurting and how long has it been. How grown up is this man? AND will he do the same to me? The past is a good predictor, and we can only learn from the past, but how do you do that if you don't look at it from ALL sides?

[Pips Estella]

I just wanted to say a kind thank you to everyone thus far who has shared their thoughts and feelings with me.

 

It's difficult being with someone who has a history of going into relationships days after they break up with their then partner. I have confidence issues and I know that being abandoned for someone else would make me really ugly and pathetic. For some reason, I would naturally blame myself and my failings as the cause.

 

So for now, all is well. On a day to day basis, my boyfriend and I click, the ex continues to send echoes of her broken heart and my boyfriend gives her genuine support. But I think that I will slowly start to detach from him. I know I am doing this out of fear of being emotionally crushed but an enforced breakup may be on the cards anyway. We were thinking about having one as next year I'm going travelling and I don't think he's hot for a long-distance thing. I don't mind, but obviously, that isn't enough.

[codaaurora]

I think you are making the best decision for YOU!! There is no telling what the future will hold, and you detaching from him will wake him up enough to see what it is that he is doing to the people he claims to care the most about. Either way, that doesn't matter, what DOES matter is you and getting your confidence back. It took me a long time to realize that somewhere in the depths of my 9 year relationship, I had become HIM and lost myself and my self confidence along the way.

 

Now I am taking control of my life and what I want. It was scary to do some of the things that I did. I didn't want to do some of them as it went against the grain, but doing them empowered me and made me realize how much I had changed and for the WORSE! LOL

 

I know you are going to be strong and get through this ok, because you took my blog with a grain of salt and saw past the harsh reality and view it for what it was, help.