It's been a little over a month since last contact - does it get any easier?

[sleepywillow]

I'm not sure why I'm not feeling any better. It's been a little over a month since I last had contact with my ex-bf. Long story short - he (ex of 5 years) and I broke up last summer. We met up in January and started to see each other again but while we tried to work things out, he wanted to have the option of dating other women. 6 months later, I couldn't handle being an option anymore and ended things for good. You can read my story here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551493

 

I've been trying very hard to get over it but I find myself feeling numb and going through the motions. I think about him all the time - sometimes I'm angry about what he did during the past 6 months, sometimes I feel remorseful for how I contributed to our failed relationship (original break-up), and sometimes I just want to reach out to talk to him about it.

 

Just focusing on the past 6 months and how he treated me, I'm exasperated as to why I can't seem to move forward. I just want to be happy again but there are days I barely want to get out of bed. Will it ever get better? Is this normal what I'm going through?

[ThatwasThen]

Forgive yourself, Sleepy. I read your other thread and I think you're still not getting any closer to the stage of indifference to him because you feel remorse over letting him have his cake and other cakettes at the same time instead of just telling him no and going zero contact.

 

Perhaps if you forgive yourself and chalk it up as a good lesson to take with you in your next dating experiences, you'll begin to feel renewed and on your way to indifference.

 

You're gonna be okay. It sounds trite but do something you've always wanted to do but haven't given yourself the time or strength to do it and I guarantee you will stop being stuck in this melancholy state.

 

Feel better soon.

[figureitout23]

Thatwasthen said it perfectly - forgive yourself.

[Phoenix9]

Yes it does but it will take a lot longer than a month, I'm at 4 months after 5 years and I've just had a solid month of feeling great but now crashed down again a bit. Healing is a proactive process, if you do things to lift yourself it will happen a lot faster.

 

Don't get caught in the trap of feeling like you can think your way through it, you just get caught in a loop. After a month you've probably had all the useful thoughts and closure you are going to get so try and catch yourself dwelling on it and distract yourself. Eventually you will break the habit of thinking about it over and over.

 

This is all just brain chemistry going crazy, you will really see this a bit later in the process where one minute you feel on top of the world then you crash back down and then you are up again all within the space of an hour. None of these thoughts are rational or "true" you will look back on this like some sort of drug haze in a year or so.

 

Yes it's normal, a breakup after along relationship is one of the most traumatic things you will deal with in your life of course it takes time to heal. Just give yourself as long as you need and above all be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

Things that don't help:

 

Worrying if what you feel is normal (it is)

Worrying you will never get past this (you will)

Worrying that this was "The One" and you will never meet anyone else (There are lot's of "Ones" you will just find another)

Guilt (Guilt is pretty useless at the best of times but in a breakup you feel far too much of it, it's not rational)

Regret (It's done and if you are really honest with yourself its for the best, it would never have worked in the long run whatever you did)

Worrying you will be jaded/cynical now (Like everything else these feelings will pass)

Feeling like you will get closure if you just think about it a bit more (memories are the closest thing you have to the relationship now, you are just an addict taking another 'hit')

 

Things that do help:

 

Stay no contact - Hold on to your self respect. You want to talk to him because it will temporarily ease the pain but in the long run you will feel that resisting that temptation was the right choice

Doing the stuff you don't feel like doing (I didn't want to go out and see my friends but every time i did I felt better)

Become a better you - Getting lost in self development is so powerful, it opens your eyes to all the amazing doors that just opened to you.

Meditation - I would have thought this was weird 10 years ago but it really isn't - the world is only experienced as you perceive it why wouldn't you work on perceiving it more positively.

Smile even if you don't feel like it

Look at yourself in the mirror, grin pump your fist in the air and tel yourself your awesome and you are going to be fine (I don't know you but I still know you are awesome and you will be fine)

Share your experiences with others, help them through the same trauma as you don't let the pain go to waste.

Remember you are not alone, however broken you feel there are millions of people who feel the same as you right now.

[sleepywillow]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm trying very hard to forgive myself and let go. I want to reach the stage of indifference but don't know how to. Maybe it will come with time. And ironically, I don't want him back. I just don't want to be stuck in this state anymore and want to push myself to move forward. Ugh, it's so hard :(

[MissCanuck]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm trying very hard to forgive myself and let go. I want to reach the stage of indifference but don't know how to. Maybe it will come with time. And ironically, I don't want him back. I just don't want to be stuck in this state anymore and want to push myself to move forward. Ugh, it's so hard :(

 

You have to be more patient with yourself, OP.

 

I know it's hard and you just want to be over this, but the only way to get there is to give yourself time. A month out from the final breaking point is not very long. For most people out of a long-term relationship, healing takes several months. That sounds daunting, but it does get easier as you adjust to being on your own. You need to give yourself plenty of time to make progress.

[saluk]

Just focusing on the past 6 months and how he treated me, I'm exasperated as to why I can't seem to move forward. I just want to be happy again but there are days I barely want to get out of bed. Will it ever get better? Is this normal what I'm going through?

 

It's still very early days. When you put off moving on, like you did in January, you make it a lot harder to quit the habit later on. But what you wrote here is pretty illuminating. "When I focus on the past I can't seem to move forward." They way forward is not to look at the past, but to look at the future. It's tough work to keep from looking back, but learning to manage your own focus is the key. It's a process - blah I know that is what everyone says, but it's true.

 

It's normal and it will get better.

[sleepywillow]

@MissCanuck @saluk - thank you for your words of support and advice. I have been taking some time to myself to process things and recently signed up for online therapy sessions through Talkspace. The one thing I find sad is that during this time of difficulty, I feel so alone. I have very close friends who are there for me no matter what but I find it hard to talk about how I feel with them this time around. I think I feel ashamed for seeing my ex again for the past 6 months without any commitment and allowing him to see other women. I think this is the part where I am struggling the most with.

[Chris12189]

@MissCanuck @saluk - thank you for your words of support and advice. I have been taking some time to myself to process things and recently signed up for online therapy sessions through Talkspace. The one thing I find sad is that during this time of difficulty, I feel so alone. I have very close friends who are there for me no matter what but I find it hard to talk about how I feel with them this time around. I think I feel ashamed for seeing my ex again for the past 6 months without any commitment and allowing him to see other women. I think this is the part where I am struggling the most with.

 

You are human, you make mistakes. If they are truly your friends they will look past this. I think you should work on forgiving yourself. To me, its better to have tried to love and lost, than to not love at all. You tried to work things out to the best of your ability and you failed....doesnt mean you are a failure of a human. As others have said, its better to move forward and think about what is to come, with your past serving as a lesson learned. Imagine how good you can love when you choose the right person who wants you....youll never get there until you forgive yourself and let go