want to get back together - advice???

[ron13]

we dated for a year, ending last nov basically due to the fact that we are both finishing law school, so there was some stress about where to go, jobs, etc. i was unwilling to compromise about where to go, and she was willing, so i broke up with her, choosing a place over a person. for the first 2 months post-break up, we fought and fought and it sucked. now, we get along fine as friends, and talk nearly every day.

 

the thing is, i now know how wrong i was. living without her for 5 months sucked and it's obviously about who you are with not where you are. i want to tell her i want her back and start over, not sure what she wants. i am more willing to work and compromise now though, if we don't make this move soon, she may move away and i'll lose her forever.

 

any words of wisdom???

[Sn0man]

Tell her what you said in your post.

[ron13]

i plan to - i sent her flowers this week, we talk everyday. i wrote her a five page letter that i want to give her when we see each other, but she does seem somewhat hesitant to hang out with me in person

[HurtJozie]

tell her how you feel. She probably hesitant becuase she's scared of getting hurt again. Its all about insecurities you need to address the insecurities that you created about yourself and build that trust again. She saw a side of you no girl wants to see in a guy, the selfish side choosing their career over them so you need to convince her that you miss her, realise you made a huge mistake and that if she gives you a second chance you won't blow it. How do I know this advice? Becuase I want it from my ex boyfriend.

[lady00]

Yeah, tell her how you feel. If you did the leaving, then its more likely that she will come back than if she was the one to break things off...unless she is seeing someone else. The only way to find out where you stand is to just level with her, tell her you want her back. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you!

[ron13]

well, i told her how i felt, that i was wrong, confused, sorry, etc, etc. she said she hasn't closed any doors but really wants to protect herself. she didn't like my flip-flopping of feelings in the first place, when things were great but i made something else my priority foolishly. she doesn't want me to change my mind yet again tomorrow, or the next day, etc, etc.

 

i told her, so feel good about that. i may have blown my only real chance, but I don't expect her to just come running back. it may take some time, if ever, for us to work. but i'm gonna go down fighting to fix my screw up.

 

thanks for the good advice.

[ron13]

i guess i should also point out that after the 5 months of being apart, now i finally realize i want her back two weeks prior to us graduating law school. the problem is that i am staying here in the city where we go to school, she might be moving to take the bar elsewhere, she's not sure yet. the only way it would work was if she did stay here for awhile, then later i would be willing to compromise if we wanted to move somewhere together.

 

i suppose the next couple weeks will be the ultimate test if she wants a chance at a future with me, as she can decide to stay for awhile. i don't expect her to, hell, that is what split us up in the first place. it would take a huge leap of faith for her to stay (although she was thinking of staying on her own, anyway). we'll see what happens.

[lakergal]

Ummm... excuse me?! You're "willing to compromise" if she'll do x-y-z for you AGAIN?

 

What part of you NOT compromising did you not get in NOVEMBER? You were NOT willing to compromise then and still aren't. And now you miss her?

 

Really... you screwed up. You admitted it. Now you want her to compromise again for you... I'd say either fish or cut bait.

 

Either this woman is someone you want to spend your life with, or not. If she is, then you need to start compromising with her. Relationships are not one way, hun... and it takes two to compromise.... not seeing your side of it yet.

 

As someone told me in my own post: look in the mirror - did YOU read what YOU wrote? You, again, gave her an ultimatum... emotional blackmail... she either does "this" or you "leave" her again... Think long and hard about manipulating someone like that.

[ron13]

you're right - i wasn't ready to compromise at all back then, even when she was willing to stay here for awhile. i am ready to compromise now, but maybe not enough. i'm in a situation where i can't really leave yet, and she has about a 50/50 chance of staying here herself, completely regardless of me and what i do.

 

so i guess what i was saying is that maybe we can get back together if she stays, and, if not, then i'm gonna have to find a way to move asap to make it work.

 

not sure why it has taken me so long to realize if you want to be with someone, compromise is an essential part of it. the last thing i want is to emotionally blackmail her or giver an ultimatum - i already did that once and won't let myself hurt her like that again.

[lakergal]

Congrats!!! You're taking the first step and making a relationship with her work... Make sure she knows what boundaries you have and which ones you can work around. Make sure she knows that she's #1 in your heart and your mind. Make sure she knows what options are there for you two.

 

Compromising is so essential to healthy relationships... It makes all the difference in the world.

 

Now, about her sitting for the bar in another state - you want to do it in the state you're attending school; so do it. She might (!) want to sit in another state - you could do the same after passing the first barzam... I know it's hell, but again, is she worth it? Also, remember, compromising doesn't mean becoming a doormat... make sure you keep what's really essentially important to you, rock solid.

 

I commend you for realizing past mistakes. I wish, with all my heart, that my ex would do the same. But that's another story in another thread...

 

Best of luck to you - with barzam and with your ex gf.

[ron13]

thanks for the kind words, lakergal. you're right about compromise and not being a doormat - there is a fine line. she is a pretty emotional one, and i am pretty laid back, so i let myself be a doormat far too often during our year together, mostly so she would be happy.

 

finally when there was something i felt super strongly about, like not moving, i did a complete 180 and wouldn't budge an inch. i myself need to find that line with her, if she does give me the second chance.

 

as for you, i hope you don't let your ex take you on that emotional roller coaster anymore. sounds like you have given more than his fair share of chances. he doesn't deserve you. i know everything will work out for the best for you.

 

thanks for the good luck - i'll need it for both the her and the bar. good luck to you too.

[ron13]

well, it's been a couple weeks since i tried to get her back - apologizing for my misguided priorities, telling her i am willing to compromise, asking for a second chance. while she said no doors were closed, i can tell she has moved on and i blew my chance by taking so long before figuring out i wanted her back. i've been optimistic for the last couple weeks, as we talk more and get along better, but she doesn't have time for me right now, even when i ask her to do things, like have coffee, ice cream, breakfast, bought us tickets to a concert, etc. to her credit, we are in the middle of finals and are super busy, but she has made time for her other friends who have been there for her all along - i can tell where i stand.

 

what i don't get is that she loves living here, loves her friends here, and used to love me here. yet, she is still planning on moving back home in a few weeks, even though a large part of her wants to stay here. she just told me how important her friends were and how she would miss them. is she trying to get me to tell her she should stay? i doubt it, as she won't stay here for me, but rather other reasons. but of course i want her to stay so badly and have told her that already. i know she won't stay for me at this point, but it seems like there are other reasons right in front of her for her to stay. i already told her i want her back and really hopes that she stays, knowing she is unlikely to do so for me. what else can i do?

 

how long do i keep this up trying to get her back? it is killing me inside, knowing how badly i screwed it up in the first place and wished it never happened. at some point i have to move on myself, as it seems she has already done. i know she isn't seeing anyone else, but she comes accross pretty lukewarm toward me, sometimes. on the other hand, i still get random late night phone calls and a few "just calling to say hi" calls, but she is really tentative to see me in person it seems. so confusing and i get so many mixed signals from her. not sure what to do....

 

sorry for the length of this rant...

[lakergal]

I'm putting on her shoes right now and trying to think where I'd be emotionally...

 

I'm in the middle of finals for my 3L year of law school and facing a barzam.

 

My ex boyfriend is calling me and working to get me back.

 

Man he hurt the hell out of me and I still love him.

 

I'm confused now - he was then, now it's me...

 

Sound about right?

 

Give her space - let her know you care, let her know you want to work things out but subtly... don't "beat" her over the head with it...

 

One thing lawyers or the wanna-be's have in common is a Type A personality - we see, we want, we drive for it, we conquer, and we win (or sometimes, we screw up and we don't)...

 

If my ex were to try and get me back right now - he'd have to play it cool but comforting, solid and "there" but distant...

 

So, for me: he would have to call to let me know he was thinking of me when he saw Elton on Tv or something and ask me about my job - which of course, I would reciprocate and ask about his...

 

then the conversation would have to end... no request for physical contact (date, dinner, etc) - none.

 

Then he'd have to call back a few days later and check in again - maybe talk about something further than work and the weather or whatever...

 

In my case (not yours), I will be honest: he'd have to do a lot... he broke my heart, he took my love and squashed it like it was jelly, he'd really have to prove himself.

 

To me, it sounds like your ex gf is still loving you but very scared and very buried right now... give her attention via phone calls and email that still gives her space... see how she is after finals...

 

I tried to get my ex to stay when I knew he was in the depth of his depression... I begged, literally. I told him all the things he knew as well to be true and he admitted it as well: I was good to him, good for him, took good care of him, and loved him with all my heart... I still do.

 

BUT he can't realize that with me around when he's in the trough of his bi-polar episode. So, I've never contacted him. No email, no phone, no letter, no nothing... I have NOT moved on - I miss him when I drive into work, I miss him when my phone rings at work and it's not him, I miss telling him the funny things I'm doing, I miss his arms around me, I miss him...

 

If he were to call me now, and with all my heart I wish he would, I'd be happy to hear from him but distant. I'd be guarded, concerned, but that would bestow nothing of the love I carry for him in my heart.

 

If he were to do the calling and continue for a bit, then I might start to trust him. and then I'd need to figure out what I wanted to do with him if he wanted me back.

 

In some ways I guess I'm lucky. My ex walked out, moved away (to the suburb I'm building a new home in), and has never looked back...

[ron13]

i think your analysis of her situation is right on. lots going on in her life right now, and then me coming back to her. the night i told her i wanted her back, with flowers, letter, hug, etc - i also emailed her that night and said i would give her as much space as she needed. i screwed up her finals last semester b/c that was when we were breaking up, so i am not allowing myself to do that again.

 

i have tried to see her, and i guess i have about once a week for the last three weeks, so it's better than nothing. i have called her some, sent her flowers once, made her some cds, we talk online occasionally, i sent her a good luck on finals e-card, offered to bring her breakfast. so i have made sure i am here and she knows, but i don't want to overwhelm her and drive her away. i suppose i have been pressing the issue some because there is a strong likelihood that she is moving away in a couple weeks, and i obviously don't want that to happen.

 

cool, comforting, solid, "there", but distant - that's my goal. i know i have my work cut out for me, but she's worth it. i keep wondering if out of the blue one night, she'll say okay, here's your chance. who knows.

 

thanks for all your help - it does really help, alot. wish your guy realized his mistakes like i have. maybe you are lucky that you split and that was it, i guess time will tell.

[lakergal]

Think about what you want in life - not just with her... take this time away from her to really examine what is it that you want - career, family, hobbies, dreams, etc. Does she fit into that as well?

 

Sometimes we get caught up in the person and forget what we want... when they leave our dreams went with them, or so we think.

 

I might suggest think about limiting your contact with her to no more than once a week. You've made it clear you want her back - let her think about it.

 

If she decides to move away, there's nothing you can do to stop her and you already know that. If she wants to figure out things while in another place, that's alright.

 

As a friend of mine told me, sometimes we don't get what we want but we always get what we need.... and sometimes it takes a very long time to realize that.

[lakergal]

One other thought: since I don't contact my ex (it's been a sad month), I write him but only on my computer when the need to talk to him comes around... maybe when the urge hits you to IM, email, phone, "drop by" comes over you with your ex gf, you could do something similar... put it in a brief

 

This is the real deal - I keep a running post:

 

------------------

 

Dear xxx,

 

I miss you like crazy. While I know how much you hurt us, inside I believe you still to be the kind caring individual I fell in love with…. Why you left, why you couldn't stay, I may never understand.

 

Wherever the road leads you, I truly hope you find some peace within yourself and finally learn to quell the demons that haunt you. Depression, sorrow, despair, pride, arrogance are all traits of one who is so despondent inside.

 

Gosh I love you… and I always will.

 

May 3, 2005

 

Someday I won't miss you like I do

But not today

 

Someday I won't wonder how you're doing, what's going on at work, and how your leadership class is going

But not today

 

Someday I won't hope that the phone will ring and it's you

But not today

 

And Someday, you'll miss me, like I miss you, and wish things were different

But not today

 

Gosh I miss you…

 

May 13, 2005

 

Wow – 10 whole days since I've written… must be because I was buried getting the house ready for sale, and in San Diego…

 

I still miss you. When Dad picked me up at the airport it was sad not to have you wrap your arms around me and kiss me hello…

 

I wonder how you're doing. Did you get heavy with EQ again? How's your leadership class going… think you had that today? I wonder if you're happy now that you don't have me around but wonder if that's possible. Did you get your tickets to visit your kids? I hope they're good to you – I know they're angry but inside they know you're still their dad… Give them time and do the "right" thing – make them a priority and they'll come around… Remember when you made me one and how well we worked? If only you'd have continued that… We had a great thing, xxx…

 

While I know things were not always perfect with us, I know I was good to and for you.

 

It was a month ago you left me. It was a month ago when you stomped on my heart and squashed it, leaving it for dead along the road side of "xxx Doesn't Care, 101".

 

Did you really quit caring? Did you really stop loving me? Well, it doesn't matter – I still love you, and miss you.

 

I'm still hoping inside you'll come around to recognize that you should be here – beside me, building a future… and that you need help, medically.

 

But tonight I bid you good night… and sweetie? I love you.

 

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He will probably never see it - I would only show it to him if we got back together... but it helps me... which is the important stuff. I get to let out how much I'm hurt, how much I miss him, what my thoughts were, etc without bothering him. He gets his space, his time, his EQ, his whatever. I get my time to sort things out in my head, time to get things done around my house, etc.

[ron13]

sounds like an excellent idea, get out what i need to say/feel, but not by bothering her. sounds like you are doing pretty well with this method.

 

she knows i'm here and how i feel at this point. we'll see what happens, but whatever does, i'll be okay with it. i'll have to.