Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women

[Johnny Utah]

This is why dating is so hard for you and you are so confused:

 

Yes. You have issues with relationships and boundaries. An ex should distance themselves completely until there are absolute 0 feelings. I believe nearly 100% of people shouldn't be friends with their ex. Okay, maybe 99%.

[lillyva]

:-))))) thank you for your advice

[lillyva]

But when you love someone... especially if that person has a heart of gold... how can you forget him/her? It is hard as I can stop loving the person but it's just turn to be more like a soulmate type love without sexual desire. xx

[lillyva]

Yes he talked a lot about going to walk along the beach, Having a lovely dates , helping me with DIY, wanting to move in together , introducing me to his family etc. None happened so far and he has been telling me he has been very busy. I do believe he is very busy and also maybe his shyness prevents him from doing anything at all ... from what i can see so far. We went furniture shopping and he was very nervous, he was acting weird ... I could tell how nervous he was. All the time he spent with me face to face , he talks a lot about all the beautiful activities we should do together , again ... that's probably nerves... what i understand him . He has high responsibilities with his job working at the top management level and he is extremely busy. I dropped him off at his work before and he showed me the amount of work he was trying to finish at his place... it's just too much work really. I know, it's kinda hard to tell really...

[Wiseman2]

So you deserve a free handyman but he doesn't deserve a real relationship because you're not attracted? That's not love, it's self serving selfishness because you're new to the area and have no friends, so string him along. Also it sounds more like he's your bf and you're cheating on him with mr. oral. Surely they don't know about each other? Would mr oral still see you if he knew you had a bf albeit sexless? Or would your sexless bf still do all these favors if he knew you were running off to this guy for your sexual gratification?

But when you love someone... especially if that person has a heart of gold... how can you forget him/her? It is hard as I can stop loving the person but it's just turn to be more like a soulmate type love without sexual desire

[lillyva]

:-) you need to read what i wrote above. Yes my ex is the one pushing me on the dating website... always wanting me to quickly try to find someone. He knows everything about the geek guy and even all the messages people sent me ( as i would tell him and we laughed together, some messages are really funny ) as i asked him for advice all the time about what i should do , who i should date. And my ex was the one suggesting the geek guy seems to be the one who won't hurt me .... ( we agreed how geeky he is lol and how funny his behaviour has been too... we laugh a lot about it and there are loads of weird , funny people on dating website... so much laughing for both of us ) .

 

Mr geek also knows I have a best friend who has been helping me a lot and he is my ex . They never met but they know each other. I just asked my ex again just to make sure just now if he is sure he doesn't want us to be together. I just don't want to hurt him. As if he is sure he doesn't want us to be back together then i will carry on look for someone. My ex confuses me but i will be with him if he wants to, at the end of the day ... he is the one who has always been there for me.

 

PS. What do you think he feels now that i told the geek guy i have fallen in love with him? , he probably would be extremely shy now and i won't hear from him again. Which is probably good as i will no longer waste any more time and can move forward...

[lillyva]

What happened was he started to act jealous when i told him i had feelings for the sweet guy, he was annoyed with me so i told him he was the one telling me to choose him. He is very confusing along the way i was telling him the details about all the guys i talked to. He then gave me advice about what i should do and also we laughed a lot about strange invites etc.. Along the way he suddenly said i love you when we were in the middle of a bit of a hot debate about something which i was surprised. I always asked him if he wanted us to be back together but we have differences fundamentally which cannot be changed. So he always told me the reason that we are not suitable together which i agreed. His action and what he says seems to be in conflicts as he is also a shy and geeky guy. I am confused but always made sure i asked him before i started a relationship with someone because i don't want to hurt him. Many thanks for your time :-)xxx

[Jibralta]

Dear shy guys,

 

I would like to ask for advice please. How can i bring you out of your shell? If you think i am very attractive and sexy, so amazing and lovely. If you are scared of your feelings for me and think that I am too good for you. Is there any chance at all I can get you out of your shell? or it's a waste of time and that i should just give up and leave you alone? It has been 5 months and It's hard.

 

Many thanks,

Lilly

 

I had a very shy friend for many years, named Tom. We met when I was 18 and he was 25. Tom was so shy that he was basically a recluse. He wouldn't even make eye contact with people and sometimes wouldn't even acknowledge people when they spoke to him. A mutual friend introduced me to Tom because we were both really good at drawing.

 

However, Tom was waaaay worse than normal shy people that I knew. Usually, once I became friends with a shy/ornery person, they not only became more outgoing with me, but they also became more outgoing to people who were close to me, like close friends, my mom, etc. This was probably out of politeness. Not so with Tom! It took a couple of years for him to speak to my mom! He would actually sit in silence, not look at her, and answer in monosyllables. She used to say he was a serial killer. But after years, he became comfortable talking to her, too. I gave up introducing him to my friends.

 

Well, Tom ended up liking me, and believe me, he had no problem overcoming all of that shyness and also past-relationship pain that he carried around for years. We talked and hung out frequently. We even ended up dating for a while.

 

So, from this experience (and I knew this guy for 10 years), I can say with confidence that the guy you are seeing may be shy, but he is also not interested in the kind of relationship that you are looking for. If he was interested, he would be with you.

[lillyva]

I had a very shy friend for many years, named Tom. We met when I was 18 and he was 25. Tom was so shy that he was basically a recluse. He wouldn't even make eye contact with people and sometimes wouldn't even acknowledge people when they spoke to him. A mutual friend introduced me to Tom because we were both really good at drawing.

 

However, Tom was waaaay worse than normal shy people that I knew. Usually, once I became friends with a shy/ornery person, they not only became more outgoing with me, but they also became more outgoing to people who were close to me, like close friends, my mom, etc. This was probably out of politeness. Not so with Tom! It took a couple of years for him to speak to my mom! He would actually sit in silence, not look at her, and answer in monosyllables. She used to say he was a serial killer. But after years, he became comfortable talking to her, too. I gave up introducing him to my friends.

 

Well, Tom ended up liking me, and believe me, he had no problem overcoming all of that shyness and also past-relationship pain that he carried around for years. We talked and hung out frequently. We even ended up dating for a while.

 

So, from this experience (and I knew this guy for 10 years), I can say with confidence that the guy you are seeing may be shy, but he is also not interested in the kind of relationship that you are looking for. If he was interested, he would be with you.

 

 

Hi Jibralta, thank you so much for sharing your experience and insight with me. I have no clues what is going on with this person i am dating. I told him that he seems to have 2 characters as one character would tell me all these plans about hanging out, going out and spending time together, moving in together. Then another character of him will be hiding and busy, swamped with work. I asked him why he was hurting me and also asking him if it is better both of us dating someone else. He then replied that he is sorry but his life is very busy right now. He said " I do like you and think you are amazing and sexy" His favourite compliment over 5 months are very attractive, very sexy, amazing and intelligent. He told me once that i was scary as i was lovely and amazing. Last time we were at the furniture shopping mall, he was behaving strangely all clammed up and not looking at me when i talk to him as if he was very nervous. The end of the day he sent me a message that he had a great time and loved spending time with me. I don't understand. From what you said ... do you think that he did most things to get sex only and only interested in sex? Thank you so much xxx :-)

[lillyva]

"Well, Tom ended up liking me, "

 

 

I heard that shy guy tend to get together with friends or colleague. Would you mind sharing...How long did it take for Tom to reveal his feelings for you? Many Thanks xxx

[Jibralta]

From what you said ... do you think that he did most things to get sex only and only interested in sex? Thank you so much xxx :-)

 

I don't think it's necessarily a black-and-white issue. He doesn't only want sex, but he's not interested in a full-fledged relationship with one person. I think that a lot of us are used to the traditional Western relationship model, which is monogamous. Some people prefer polygamy. But you won't find many people openly admitting that. So, they hide it and say they want monogamy, and hide their other partners, so that they can have their cake and eat it, too.

 

"Well, Tom ended up liking me, "

 

 

I heard that shy guy tend to get together with friends or colleague. Would you mind sharing...How long did it take for Tom to reveal his feelings for you? Many Thanks xxx

 

I think a lot of guys do that, hence the dreaded "Friend Zone" term.

 

You know, I think it took three years for him to say something!

 

We were completely platonic before that. But I could tell he liked me.

[lillyva]

QUOTE=Jibralta;7009307]I don't think it's necessarily a black-and-white issue. He doesn't only want sex, but he's not interested in a full-fledged relationship with one person. I think that a lot of us are used to the traditional Western relationship model, which is monogamous. Some people prefer polygamy. But you won't find many people openly admitting that. So, they hide it and say they want monogamy, and hide their other partners, so that they can have their cake and eat it, too.

 

 

 

I think a lot of guys do that, hence the dreaded "Friend Zone" term.

 

You know, I think it took three years for him to say something!

 

We were completely platonic before that. But I could tell he liked me.

 

 

 

 

Wow! thank you so so much Jibralta , this really hurts me thinking i have let myself completely fall in love with his endearing shy, caring and sweet nature person. It's confusing for me about his behaviour as we ( my ex who was advising me to date him at the time and I ) tried to work out his behaviour and found out how geeky and shy he was. My ex and I are also nerdy and shy but this person is much more shy that i have never met anyone this shy before in my life. I could relate some of his behaviour to mine ( but that was probably when i was much younger and studied in girl only school prior to moving to another school mixing with boys). I was so shy around this boy that i fancied and i couldn't make a normal conversation with him when we were put together to work in class, i kept laughing. After that he told his other friends that he fancied me and i completely tried to avoid him at all cost although i really fancied him. This guy has similar personality and appear quite strange. He always has a lot of dramas... his mother is ill ... he went to visit his mother... he was on the phone with his mother ... he was very ill etc. I found him endearing from the start as i asked him loads of questions about what he wanted as i was scared of getting hurt and tried to avoid players. My questions were like... what are you looking for? what kind of relationship are you looking for? How was your past love? How long have you been single? Why did you break up with her? How did you feel? How long did it take you to get over her? I asked these questions numerous times just to make sure that he was truthful, having the same values and looked for the same thing with me , that he was not lying to me and that the answers were consistent.

He said the same thing overtime I asked him that he broke up with with ex one year and a half, she was lovely but a bit controlling and she moved to work in another city which made them break up. He told me he has been single ever since and just concentrated on work only. and that all he seems to do is work and he wanted to find a nice girlfriend to spend time with , have a hug etc. So i asked him how come he is still single? he told me that he has been apprehensive. He is friends with all of his exes and he has about 4 serious relationships in the past when 2 of them with much older women and sex only, he is about 36 years old . He said he is shy and innocent and he was not very interested in girls when he was younger as he was quite geeky and had a lot of other interests. He told me that one of his exes 7 years back killed herself and that hurts him more than he could say... this very sentence made me fall in love with him ( I somehow found a connection with him through this very sentence ).

After a few times of messaging he then told me he had to sort out his mind as he got very turn on talking to " a lovely and very attractive girl" ( his words ). Then after that he was quite quiet . He told me he was very kinky in bed and some girl don't like that. I was quite sad as after a few conversations with him being able to get to know him and emotionally attracted to him through sharing things then he turned every conversation to sex talk . I then told him that i don't want to talk about sex but wanted to have a normal conversation with him... wanting to know how his day went and how's things with him... then he went on shy and hiding after telling me sorry as he had to sort out his mind because talking to attractive and lovely girl making him feel horny. It started to become painful to me as i liked him ... the person that i talked to from the first day when he could have a normal conversation and could share his experiences with me. I would say that i have been very patient with him as i gave him the benefit of being a shy person and that i should make things easy for him. I did a lot of reading about shy person and then i was able to understand him more as his behaviour seems to match with what explained in the articles i read. I was wondering how any girl could put up with his behaviour. He offered to help me with DIY and many things as he told me that he loved to help people, although in the past 5 months he never really helped me with anything. I actually feel very stupid and i will be very careful as i have learned a valuable lesson of trusting someone so much to let the person hurt me for this long ( 5 months ). I don't know if i should still be friend with him knowing that he deceived and lied to me. I still love him and always find a reason to like him as he is endearing , sweet and caring but i should protect myself from getting hurt and avoid him so that i can forget all about him now. xxx

[Jibralta]

It makes sense in theory to ask questions up front. The hope is that you can successfully screen someone and avoid unpleasant surprises. However, in practice it rarely works that way.

 

People are very smart, and generally very good at maintaining a 'correct' persona. All of us know exactly what is appropriate and what is inappropriate when we are among other people. For most people, this means we are polite. We hide our dislike, avoid speaking negatively of others, etc. We do this automatically, without thinking.

 

Some people have even more to hide. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. And it doesn't take much more effort to put on the sheep's outfit than it does to be polite.

 

So, when you are asking these questions up front, he is clearing the hurdles with ease. It's like giving a first grade spelling test to a senior in high school.

 

Really, the best way to filter people like this out is not to fall so head over heel. Which is hard. I mean, who doesn't love a crush? It's fun. But it will also put you through the wringer.

[Wiseman2]

Don't you think it's odd that you and your ex say 'I love you' to each other and laugh at this other guy you're hooking up with? When you have respect for yourself and other people and their feelings, things won't be this confusing.

He knows everything about the geek guy and even all the messages people sent me. i asked him for advice all the time about what i should do , who i should date. And my ex was the one suggesting the geek guy seems to be the one who won't hurt me .. we agreed how geeky he is lol and how funny his behaviour has been too.

[lillyva]

We didn't laugh in a bad way you know. Don't get me wrong. My ex and I are also geeky and nerdy and shy. We are the same. I love shy , geeky and nerdy guys as i find them so endearing and adorable ... very very cute . That is the main reason why i fall head over heels over this geek guy. I am as geeky as him in some respects or even more geeky in some as well. I don't think being nerdy as a woman is cute though in man it's just so cute that i just want to cuddle them like a little baby. That's how cute they are .

 

I intentionally crossed out all the normal guys and searching geeky guy as i want to be in a relationship with shy guy... endearing.

 

 

I love my ex as a platonic friend and we talked . I told him that i was in love with this shy guy and i can't help but developed the feelings for him through being intimacy... For me geekiness is just so so CUTE!!!!!

 

Don't you think it's odd that you and your ex say 'I love you' to each other and laugh at this other guy you're hooking up with? When you have respect for yourself and other people and their feelings, things won't be this confusing.

[lillyva]

sorry please see below

[lillyva]

So, when you are asking these questions up front, he is clearing the hurdles with ease. It's like giving a first grade spelling test to a senior in high school.

 

Really, the best way to filter people like this out is not to fall so head over heel. Which is hard. I mean, who doesn't love a crush? It's fun. But it will also put you through the wringer.

 

sex made me fall for him so ... in the future, I should maybe not have any more intimacy with anyone until i am certain that the person is for real to avoid getting hurt , thank you for your advice , I feel so stupid ... why haven't i learned these things ???

[lillyva]

I am a bit disappointed with my judgement of character skills. I was so certain that he was the one and that 's the big mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and we can learn from it . It is even better if you learn from other's mistakes achieved by having support system and advice from friends and family. I don't have the support system, thank god i just found this site and am able to talk to all of you . I feel so thankful especially at this moment in time i am struggling emotionally feeling hurt. Being able to discuss and share with all of you making me feel better, many thanks xxx

 

 

Well who hasn't made a few mistakes before having that "WTH? No don't do that again!" moment ? Most of us have. Learn to value and love yourself. Respect your body. Share it only with those who you sense are open to commitment and reciprocating your time, love, and energy. Don't let lust lead you. You know you easily attach with physical intimacy, so slow down and keep your eyes and ears open. You'll find you attract better men too when you show more confidence from within, as opposed to leading with sex talk early on.

[lillyva]

sorry i'm not sure just yet how to post the quote ...

[MsSolotravel]

Unfortunately he's not "shy" at all if he's giving you oral and having sex every time you meet. What you are trying to describe is a guy you meet for sex who's good in bed but doesn't want more than that. He's only interested in hook ups and you know that.

 

Stop telling yourself he's shy and start seeing things for what they are. It's fine to have a purely sexual relationship. Just don't kid yourself that "he's shy" and it will turn into more if you coax him "out of his shell". It sounds like you don't want to admit you are hooking up so you tell yourself you're in love and he's just shy.

 

Very true.. a shy guy can not even look you at the eye, more so giving you oral, anyways this girl has the same problem with me, it is just that we don't even holding hands and he feel nervous all the time, and when he sees me, he looks like he is about to run, now that is a shy guy, lol, don't get fooled about him being shy, if he inexperienced why he gave you obe of the best oral sex? Damn..come to think of it girl, we girls, sometimes likes to do rationalization of the actions that the men we love do.