I thought We Were Good Together....

[MegB]

I am hurt, I mean devastated that my S/O left me for someone that is a public drunk. 14 years of what exactly? I can't concentrate, and I have 3 beautiful kids that need me to be mom and I'm scaring them by crying. I just don't know how I lost myself in this mess when I thought we were doing just fine. He doesn't even want to see me because I asked if her son was his son. I mean why can't I ask if you are suppose to be with me right? I talked to him yesterday and he just said it out loud I don't want to be with you and continued talking about a new career move like I was suppose to accept that life is good for him. We meaning my kids and I are hurting like hell. Just how can a man be so cruel to his family for one woman. Just how can you leave and think that we are suppose to be okay with this crap. I feel like I am dying from this type of pain right now. He said that I was too independent and that I can handle everything on my own. Even if that is true, who in the world wants to do this by themselves. I did not plan to be a single mother with 3 kids. I put on a mask when I'm around others but to be honest, the past month has me slowly fading from who I am. I don't want to be depressed or angry or bitter because of a breakup. I just want my family back. Is it so wrong to keep a family together. I just did not see this coming at all and I just can't get this agonizing pain to leave me alone. Why start a family if you knew that this is not where you wanted to be. I don't want to hear sad songs, love songs, or any songs. Tv is out of the question, and I have no energy to tend to myself or my kids. This is not how I want to be at all. I know some people do not love as hard as I do and will say just move on but it is easier said than done when you have given your life and love to someone for 14 years. I really love him and I am unbelievably distraught that my home was not a happy home at all.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, that this happened, but you cannot have a future with a man that abandoned his family for another.

 

You need to seek out an attorney, for the best interest of you and your children.

[maew]

I’m so sorry, I know how hard this is...

 

Looking at the situation honestly, my guess is you weren’t that good together if he is leaving your marriage of 14 years for another woman... he sounds like he has been done for quite awhile and either didn’t tell you or you were in denial.

 

Either way you will get through it... mine of 15 years ended and I thought I would die at first but I got through it, one day at a time.

[MegB]

We had issues of infidelity midway through on both sides, he cheat and I cheated back. It didn't sit well with me as I wanted to work on us. The crazy thing is that he was being super attentive to us until I found out about his other family. I know I am not in denial about this, it is just registering with me that he is gone and the kid is 13. I feel like my who marriage was a lie and everyone knew except me and my kids. This is like one realist version of carry at the prom when pigs blood is on her and everyone is laughing at her. I just feel empty right now, which I think is better than when I actually tune into my feelings. I hope that this goes away sooner than later. I have ended all my social media accounts, and have blocked him on my phone. I'm thinking of just going out of town for a few weeks with the kids to clear my mind. I was told to start dating someone new, but I am an emotional wreck and I do not want anyone to see this side of me anytime soon. I'm finishing up my MBA in psychology and I just do not understand where did I go wrong, we barely argued in the past few years and had good times mostly when he wasn't sleeping or working. I just feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

[melancholy123]

Yes go out of town with the kids, hopefully that helps you. When you come back, if you are still a wreck, get some counselling because you sound like you really need it. You didnt necessarily do anything wrong, perhaps this guy was not who you thought he was.

[Hollyj]

The worst thing you could do is date someone else. Terrible advice.

 

Get out of town, then contact a layer upon return.

 

He has been having this affair for 13 years?

[Hollyj]

OP. wait at least a year before dating. You have much healing to do.

[MegB]

I don’t know to be honest. When I had my second child, his cousin told the entire family that he had a daughter out there and she has a daughter around my sons age. The situation is outrageous to be honest. But I’m just like bouncing from trying to keep it together and trying not to cry in front of the kids. I guess I’ll exercise to get my revenge body. I don’t even have a appetite anymore. I’m just processing it all.

[MegB]

Right now my mental is screaming all men are the same. I know it’s not true but I feel like they are him when I look at other men. I know I need to heal completely, it’s just the thought of starting over. I’m 32 and I just want to focus on me and my kids right now. Thanks Holly and Melancholy123. I just had a crying spell and when I thought about him. He came over but I didn’t let him in and he feels that I’m taking the kids away by not letting him in but I just cannot allow him to see me in this state. It’s just to much.

[chinaandback]

I'm sorry. That must be so hard. I think going away with the kids is a good idea. Do something fun or relaxing, clear your mind. It's good that you are focused on their well-being and that you are finishing your education. Try not to think about what he is doing. It just causes pain. When those thoughts come into your mind, try your best to stop thinking them and focus on something else. Sometimes I've had to nap to kind of reset my brain. Post here, go for a walk, play a game with the kids... Keep focused on your goals. Have you thought about counseling?

[MegB]

I actually have been doing counseling and sometimes it helps and other times I find myself trying to console myself about not having him around. I have made an effort to do all that I can to keep my mind busy but I find that seeing my kids can be hard cause they look like him. So I just go outside and try to regain my composure and then I can deal with what is going on. This week has been extremely difficult as I can not focus on what I need to do when it comes to school. It’s been rough for me. I just spent 13k on me and I still feel like crap. So money was never a factor but it bugs me because he claims that all of my money came from him???? Need I remind you that I haven’t talked to him since the break up, but I worked hard for what I have and have gained on my own. I have helped him and I thought that as his woman he didn’t want me to ask him for things so I didn’t. I’ve been lied on and my ego is broken right now, my heart is shattered and I am desperately trying not to fall apart for everyone to see. No one can be who someone else what’s them to be. I’m just trying you guys to not be so hurt over this but this was my life. And I really just want to turn off my emotions. It really breaks my heart even more when my kids ask if I’m okay.

[figureitout23]

Right now my mental is screaming all men are the same. I know it’s not true but I feel like they are him when I look at other men. I know I need to heal completely, it’s just the thought of starting over. I’m 32 and I just want to focus on me and my kids right now. Thanks Holly and Melancholy123. I just had a crying spell and when I thought about him. He came over but I didn’t let him in and he feels that I’m taking the kids away by not letting him in but I just cannot allow him to see me in this state. It’s just to much.

 

Meg you can't keep his kids from him. I know you're hurting, I have been there and I'd be lying if I didn't have the same thought you are but you're actually harming your children, they're little humans, not pawns and they didn't do anything, your relationship is yours. Go to court ASAP and set up visitation, either have a family member do it or you two can meet at a public place, but meg you can't keep him away from his kids.

 

I'm so sorry, one day at a time. The end of a marriage, even an unhappy one can rock even the strongest person to the core. Be kind to yourself, one day at a time.

[MegB]

I use to have that conclusion of not keeping his kids from him, but he is sleeping with his cousin for crying out loud. Incest is not moral and he is not the only person that can raise children. He is completely jacked up in his mind and that’s not something I want or need my kids to be around. Him leaving is for the best if he thinks that way. You have to look at this from all angles, everyone wants to leave a relationship at some point during it, but when you have kids that decision is made even harder. It is not you leaving just your wife but your kids as well. Some people just are not fit to be parents when they make these choices.

It harms my kids more to know that their father left us for another family he made with his cousin. People have to live with the choices they make. That’s just life. I was left to raise my kids alone and he decided to live with his cousin and two other kids. How are my kids suppose to address their cousin/ siblings??? Some things are better left alone and that side is one of them.

[figureitout23]

Believe me when I tell you I have been where you are. I understand that anger, I do, but he left you not your children.

 

I think you're just so angry you're doing what quite frankly many women do and think it's ok to make the decision to keep the kids away.

 

Let the courts decide or themselves ( this is the best option) children resent mothers who keep them away from their fathers, whether it's right or wrong. I've seen it so many times, let them decide.

[MegB]

I truly believe that allowing time to process what he walked out on is best. I won’t keep them from him forever but I really cannot face him right now without wanting to just curse him. That’s not good for my kids either. When I am in a better place, then they will see him. I told him to take me to court and he won’t so that concludes it. My kids have had it the hardest with seeing him walk away from them lying to them that he will get them. Fake promises of him seeing them or getting them is not good for them also. This individual has done more harm than good to my kids and me. No one wants to see their kids cry over someone that lied about not having kids, asked to abort 2 of them and even said he resented them for ruining his life. I want her m to take me to court so I can play the audios of him saying this. Someone like that is not fit to be a father or be around my kids. I hate fake people that acts like they are so hurt when they don’t get their way after throwing stones. It’s not about being mad it’s about building a strong mental in my kids. Do I allow him to come around them and continue the same jacked up behavior or stop it. Emotional abuse is more than saying awful words. I may seem like a bad mother to many dads or moms that don’t agree but I know what it’s like to watch someone walk away and lie to me. It’s not easy or fun to endure as a child. To see your dad give more attention to another child that’s not you or see him live with them and treat them better than you because you’re the outside kid and my parents were also married. But to him I was the outside kid. That’s not what my kids future will look like. They won’t be confused because when they ask if they ever will I won’t talk bad about him I’ll just tell the TRUTH of why he’s not there. I’m willing to be the bad mother to give them a peace of mind. Life can be so cruel to the innocent ones but it is life after all.

[figureitout23]

Ok, there's no advice I can give, you can't see past the cloud of anger and I can't blame you, everything is so fresh. I do hope you find peace.