Guy turned cold on me after pursuing me

[Perdido1989]

Slightly long story, so I will keep it as brief as possible. An old 'friend' got in touch with me via social media just over a month ago (we had met in person a long time ago). He used to live in my city, but returned to his home country a couple of years ago. We were chatting a lot, throughout the day every day - seemed to have a lot in common, were obviously attracted to each other and so I made plans to visit his home.

 

The time came around, and we met in his city, and at first I thought all was well. He spoke in depth fairly quickly about how poorly he was treated by his ex and some mutual friends that we have in my home but I did not think too much of all of this. We had mutual friends so it was not as if he was telling me about strangers which would have been somewhat odd.

 

I decided that I would not push anything during my stay as he was quite clearly emotionally fragile, and we had a lovely evening together where we went out to eat, we shared a bed (but nothing happened on the first night - I woke up to him cuddling me in the morning, but again I thought nothing of it; I was not going to push him into anything he was not ready for). In the end he pounced on me when I tried to get out of bed, and we had an intimate moment together, but then he seemed to turn incredibly cold.

 

That day he was very quiet, made a very odd comment that I talk too much which I found a little salty considering we had just met each other for the first time in nearly a decade. I had a lot to say! I would have much rather not had any of the sexual side of things with him and instead continued having a lovely time as friends but it seems to me that he could not decide what he wanted and I cannot help but feel a little used.

 

That evening we went out for food, and on returning home he made a point of saying that he was just not ready, and that my vibe was not enough for him but to stay in touch.

 

So he took me off to the airport train the next day. He hugged me as I got out of the car, and we had a brief kiss, and I made my way to the airport feeling exceptionally confused. I thought I would just allow him space to contact me. Which he did, around an hour after we had said goodbye to ask 'all alright?' so I responded to say I had made it through security safely and to thank him for allowing me to stay and for a nice few days. His response was 'that wasn't the purpose of my message though'. I am not entirely sure how else I was meant to take it as I feel that my response covered all grounds, but then he messaged to ask that I had gotten home safe and sound and over the next few days asked how I had been, and now... silence. Since last Thursday, when he was exceptionally cold towards me. The last message between us was from me and I refuse to double text.

 

I know based on the evidence he is just not interested but I just cannot get him off my mind! In some respects I wish he had never gotten in touch with me again as I was absolutely fine before he resurfaced and shook up my world! I do not warm to new people easily and I feel like I made that clear, and now literally have similar feelings to after a breakup (which I know is utterly ridiculous)

 

A few people have suggested I should just outright text him and ask him one of two things; if he wants to see me again, or how his perception of me has changed since our time together.

[Jammy Biscuit]

Hi Peridido 1989,

 

Sounds like he is confused. Obviously he opened up to you about his ex and may still be really hurt.

 

That's why is message wasn't checking in on how your travel back was and more of him wanting to know how you were "feeling". Guess he wants to know what's going on with you too emotionally.

 

I keep reading about giving guys space when they ask for it. So maybe drop him a message in the next few days to clear things up. Nothing worst than living in limbo. That way you get your answer and can move on from there.

 

Hopefully other people can give you some better advice.

[MissCanuck]

I would not text him and ask if he wants to see you again. You don't need to, as he's already told you he isn't ready and doesn't think you two "vibe" together. To me, that's all you need to know.

 

My guess is he's still hung up on the ex. You yourself said he still seems emotionally fragile. That is a red flag in terms of candidacy for a relationship. He may be trying to get over her and hoping that you'd be just the woman to take his mind off her. But it usually doesn't work like that.

 

It's not pleasant when you have hopes and then this happens, but I would leave it there. He's shown you and told you it isn't going to work for him.

[Perdido1989]

 

That's why his message wasn't checking in on how your travel back was and more of him wanting to know how you were "feeling". Guess he wants to know what's going on with you too emotionally.

 

 

This is the main thing that bothers me. I worry that perhaps I switched off emotionally and rather than actually saying how I was feeling, went off on a tangent about how my journey was going. Then again, he did also make it clear that he did not get the expected vibe from me so it seems like he possibly did just use me to test the waters. I think for now I will wait a little longer and see if he gets back in touch, however I am not going to push this any further with him.

[Perdido1989]

MissCanuck: The annoying thing is that I know you are 110% right here. I won't ask him if he would like to see me again, although I think for the sake of clarity I would like to know how his opinion changed from before he spent time with me. Do you think I would be unreasonable to ask him that, or should I just withdraw and leave him to it?

 

Thankfully I am not the type to put all my eggs in one basket, but it is just a little crushing when someone you have so much in common with just is not feeling it. Back to the drawing board I guess!

[SooSad33]

A few people have suggested I should just outright text him and ask him one of two things; if he wants to see me again, or how his perception of me has changed since our time together.

 

- I say, dont even do that.

He changed really fast.. so he's changed all feelings about it all.

 

YOu msg'd him. leave it at that.

Been there... i got the same... silence :/.

 

IF he wants to contact you... he knows how. Ball is in his court.

BUT, I say.. move on. He is not into this.. he went cold.. he isn't ready for anything by sounds of it.

 

He is not on the same road you are.

[Perdido1989]

A few people have suggested I should just outright text him and ask him one of two things; if he wants to see me again, or how his perception of me has changed since our time together.

 

- I say, dont even do that.

He changed really fast.. so he's changed all feelings about it all.

 

 

I would like to know what changed (for my own sanity) but I will be screwed if I am gonna reach out for it. He obviously has his reasons - whether or not I am here if he decides to get back in touch is another story altogether.

[Minikimini]

This is the main thing that bothers me. I worry that perhaps I switched off emotionally and rather than actually saying how I was feeling, went off on a tangent about how my journey was going. Then again, he did also make it clear that he did not get the expected vibe from me so it seems like he possibly did just use me to test the waters. I think for now I will wait a little longer and see if he gets back in touch, however I am not going to push this any further with him.

 

He was unfairly comparing you to his ex who he probably still has up on a pedestal.

 

He isn't ready to be out dating if he's still fragile over an ex---he probably saw how pointless it is getting under someone new to get over someone else, especially when he's still got a ways to go to resolving his feelings.

 

I think you're right in just leaving him alone. This ball is in his court.

[Minikimini]

- I say, dont even do that.

He changed really fast.. so he's changed all feelings about it all.

 

YOu msg'd him. leave it at that.

Been there... i got the same... silence :/.

 

IF he wants to contact you... he knows how. Ball is in his court.

BUT, I say.. move on. He is not into this.. he went cold.. he isn't ready for anything by sounds of it.

 

He is not on the same road you are.

 

Yeah... mine went as far as to block me just because I said "Hi (name), how are you doing?" I haven't spoken to him since Christmas and he seemed fine then. He went glacial on me. :\

[MissCanuck]

MissCanuck: The annoying thing is that I know you are 110% right here. I won't ask him if he would like to see me again, although I think for the sake of clarity I would like to know how his opinion changed from before he spent time with me. Do you think I would be unreasonable to ask him that, or should I just withdraw and leave him to it?

 

I'm just not sure you're going to get an answer that will be helpful to you.

 

A lot of people would find it difficult to be 100% honest if asked that question, or wouldn't really know how to put it into words. Sometimes it's nothing that can be explained logically, but just a feeling.

 

You already know that he thinks you talk too much. Would it benefit you to hear other things he doesn't like about you?

[Perdido1989]

He was unfairly comparing you to his ex who he probably still has up on a pedestal.

 

He isn't ready to be out dating if he's still fragile over an ex---he probably saw how pointless it is getting under someone new to get over someone else, especially when he's still got a ways to go to resolving his feelings.

 

I think you're right in just leaving him alone. This ball is in his court.

 

I mean, I feel like I should clarify this ex was a really long time ago and not the worlds longest relationship (he was amazed to learn that I have been in a 5+ year relationship before) so I was somewhat surprised to even hear him mentioned but it does seem that he was comparing the pair of us.

 

I think the absolute best thing, even if he changes his mind now, is to leave it. I'd much rather be nothing to a romantic interest if I can't be everything to them. I just wish that he had been more upfront from the beginning, rather than me spending a load of time and money travelling halfway across Europe to spend time with him.

[Perdido1989]

I'm just not sure you're going to get an answer that will be helpful to you.

 

A lot of people would find it difficult to be 100% honest if asked that question, or wouldn't really know how to put it into words. Sometimes it's nothing that can be explained logically, but just a feeling.

 

You already know that he thinks you talk too much. Would it benefit you to hear other things he doesn't like about you?

 

Yeah, I suppose - I found his behaviour compared to our chats over the phone/ online completely contradictory that said. If I didn't message him for a few hours while I was working I would have backed up messages from him by the time I got back in front of my phone or computer. He clearly just does not know what he wants, and I should stop feeling so bad over someone who was not even in my life for that long....!

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like he wanted attention what with all the online chats and messaging, but the reality of the situation, upon meeting in person, was more than he was actually ready for.

 

If he's still mentioning his ex (unsolicited) years after their breakup, it strongly suggests he just hasn't moved on.

[Perdido1989]

It sounds like he wanted attention what with all the online chats and messaging, but the reality of the situation, upon meeting in person, was more than he was actually ready for.

 

If he's still mentioning his ex (unsolicited) years after their breakup, it strongly suggests he just hasn't moved on.

 

That kinda makes a whole lot of sense to be honest, and kind of makes me feel better in some ways. That perhaps it is not a problem at all on either part; that perhaps he just isn't ready and I'm just not what he needs at this moment in time.

 

I think down the line, once the dust has settled, I will reach out and offer friendship as I do value him in that capacity anyway (more than anything I miss the small talk about our travel plans and whatnot!)

[thorough]

A few people have suggested I should just outright text him and ask him one of two things; if he wants to see me again, or how his perception of me has changed since our time together.

 

- I say, dont even do that.

He changed really fast.. so he's changed all feelings about it all.

 

YOu msg'd him. leave it at that.

Been there... i got the same... silence :/.

 

IF he wants to contact you... he knows how. Ball is in his court.

BUT, I say.. move on. He is not into this.. he went cold.. he isn't ready for anything by sounds of it.

 

He is not on the same road you are.

 

Good advice! Speaking from experience, just forget about this guy. I have had several guys do that to me and I held onto hope instead of dropping them. You are in for an emotional rollercoaster if he happens to contact you again, which he might if he is desperate. Do not answer his texts or go see to him again even if he invites because he will prob pull the same thing again.

[Perdido1989]

Good advice! Speaking from experience, just forget about this guy. I have had several guys do that to me and I held onto hope instead of dropping them. You are in for an emotional rollercoaster if he happens to contact you again, which he might if he is desperate. Do not answer his texts or go see to him again even if he invites because he will prob pull the same thing again.

 

I am so glad I shared this experience, as whilst unpleasant it is nice to hear that I am not the only person who has ever had this happen to me. It is not a situation I have ever found myself in previously - I have never used another person to test the murky waters of dating or to see if I feel ready in myself, so this behaviour to me is so alien. I imagine at some point he will make a grand reappearance and that will be the biggest test. To ignore and say no. With any luck I will have found someone half decent by that point! I am sorry that you have had this happen to you more than once, I never imagined I could feel this sensation of loss without actually losing anything. I guess it is part of the human condition to miss what we never had.

 

I will allow myself one more day of being sad about the situation, and then regular life resumes.