Still hurting 6 months after a breakup

[Broken77]

Hi,

 

It's been 6 months since my ex decided to end our 3 year relationship.

 

Backstory:

We met in November 2014 through an online dating portal, started dating. The relationship was beautiful, while it lasted. We fought about things like every other couple would, but there was immense affection and love. We moved into an apartment in June 2016 and stayed in that house up until August 2017. The plan was to move into another apartment, that's closer to her workplace so her commute to work is a little shorter. We moved into the new place In September '17 and the breakup happened in October, in a month. I did all the begging and pleading until the end of October, then I gave up, moved out first week of November and have never seen her since.

 

I've been trying really hard to follow all the recommendations - hitting the gym almost daily, learning to play the saxophone, putting myself into work, meeting new and old friends, all of it. And it has helped, don't get me wrong.

 

It's just that, it's been 6 months and I still find myself hurting. This evening, I was doing some work stuff and someone with her name IM'd me, it teared me up. I'm a fine person, I look decent, I have a very compassionate and kind heart, I earn very good money, why couldn't I make it work?

 

After the breakup, my ex had to find a roommate as I'd moved out. I found out that they're now in a relationship and love each other. It's just been 6 months. Maybe it's normal...I don't know. But it's unbelievable that all this happened. That I could be replaced so easily.

 

I've given myself a fitness goal that should take close to a year to achieve. That's keeping me going to be honest. I'm just terrified at the thought of dating and the future. I turned 31 this year, I actually thought I'd settle down with her, I'd really taken her seriously.

I guess I just wanted to vent it out.

[dundermiflin]

You sound like a decent guy with a lot to offer, and you're doing everything right. I don't know what happened that lead to the breakup, or why she wouldn't work it out with you. Try to remember that she gave up on you and therefore is not your perfect mate. She had qualities that you loved, and you're better for having had the relationship. Heal at your own pace; 6 months isn't outrageous. I think you will eventually find someone; you are still young!

[SooSad33]

I say that was a shock to your system.. so it will take a while to work on accepting & healing.

It is.. a true 'loss', therfore you are grieving. There is no timespan for that. It all takes time.. to heal.

 

As mentioned.. sadly, she wasn't for you. Could be any number of reasons for HER actions.... and to be acting 'in love' with this.. new roomate? I doubt it. In the beginning is lust. Not love.

She could be acting this way because she is forcing her emotions she had for you, onto this one.

If its a rebound, they hurt and end as fast as they start :(.

 

So... keep on your way/// work on your healing & take your time. No matter what she is doing.

Remember, YOU are doing it right and you are taking your time.

 

Her choice.. her life. Am sorry this has hurt you. You are not alone.

 

One day at a time.....

[Broken77]

Dundermifflin,

 

Yeah I think I resent her for giving up on me like that. I try really hard to avoid filling myself up with negativity like this, cause that is stopping me from looking forward to life with hope and positivity.

[Broken77]

Sosad, sweet girl, gopnik,

 

Well, I'd to condense my post so I can give out the most important aspects of what's hurting me.

 

It's been 6 months and a lot has transpired. I've dated about 3 women, very casual and slow, with them being aware of how I am not looking for a relationship.

 

So it's not like my self confidence is low. I know I can get women who look fine. I guess my problem is not being able to trust them. I shouldn't color everyone the same, I know. It's just that I really tried to ensure my ex was happy with me, I tried compensating for experiences she's missed in life, I guess we took on various different roles in each other's lives.

Besides being a lover and doing romantic things for her, I also thought of her as a kid sometimes and she took care of me too. I can accept and understand that she's dating, I had helplessly started that too.

But she's in love.

Makes me feel like it was all fake sometimes.

 

I'm taking a break from dating. I want to deal with this for sometime. Knowing that they're in love has set me back a little.

 

Sweet girl,

 

To answer your question, I'm a regular guy with my share of good and bad, if that covers "an okay guy". I have hurt my ex during our fights, but so has she.

The affection and love was way more than the fights though. She broke up with me, calling me verbally and emotionally abusive.

 

After that happened, I started therapy to identify the next steps now that I've this problem. But after 3 different therapists have said that I'm not abusive, I don't know where to proceed.

 

I guess I liked believing that maybe I was abusive, it at least made me feel that she'd not really let me down. She'd made a choice that was good for her.

But now that I'm not sure if I'm abusive, it makes my ex just any other girl who breaks someone's heart.

[Young mind]

To add to the words of SweetGirl, yes healing comes at different paces, 6 months is still a reasonable time frame, I am at that mark, I do feel better, but that is objective, so you will see, there is no set mark.

 

What is set is when you do actually move on, and you will feel this, unfortunately, we turn our goals into fitness, and dating which is great, but these are only short term goals.

 

How do you wish to have this breakup CHANGE you?, by losing a couple of pounds and looking great, I believe it is only basic. You must look to your fault in this breakup, what type of person were you in the relationship, what type of person are you without it?. What personality changes do you wish you could make, how could you be a better person?. I did answer those questions for myself, this made me win my own breakup in my own way.

 

Finally, hang in there, all of this does pass with time, it is really true.

[wgmitch]

I am so sorry you are still hurting, it doesn't seem fair, I know. Everyone on the break forum has or is hurting this way. I'm not far behind you in time frame, but I'm moving forward a little more every day.

 

Here's the reality. you need to try harder to move on and do not look back. Do not give this person so much power. Do not give anyone more power over you than you have over yourself. Do not worry about what she is doing or who she is with. I'm not sure how you know she is in love, (I would be very surprised if this is actual love or even the truth) but just stop asking or checking into her situation, it is not helping you.

 

You are working on yourself and trust me it is helping. If you were not doing all these things for yourself, where would you be right now? You would be feeling even worse. So STOP thinking you are not moving forward. You are going through life with blinders on and you need to see the big picture.

 

You are on the right track. Be selfish and enjoy your time! This is your time! If you do think about her, use it to fuel your new self, and that's it.

 

We are all here for you.

 

Mitch

 

P.S. When you fix yourself, and you will fix yourself, you'll need to change your username to Fixed77!

[Broken77]

Thanks Gopnik,I guess you're right.

[Broken77]

Young mind,

 

This is extremely sensible and practical.

I've identified that my technique of communicating when someone shares an opinion different from mine, was bad. I'm now learning to be more tolerant towards different ways of being in a relationship. I guess I was set in my own ways and expected the relationship to be a certain way.

I attended 2 sessions on what they call 'triggers' which are sometimes physical, which help identify situations when my reaction to something someone said could hurt them. That is my learning from this. That, and accepting that there are no guarantees in life, no one that is our "forever" person. Still working on accepting the second part here, it's difficult to accept it at face value.

[Broken77]

Mitch,

 

Yeah hopefully I'll change to fixed77 real soon.

 

I know she's in love because they're posting that on each other's walls. I've unfriended her, but those posts are public.

 

I'm trying to avoid checking her page altogether.

It's just that, reading all that, is slowly conditioning my brain into accepting that this happened and it's real. And that she's developing feelings for someone, someone who seems like a decent person himself.

 

At the very beginning after the breakup & after a month and a half of no contact whatsoever, she wanted us to be friends & kept reaching out. At that point, I tried to attempt friends, but I found myself secretly hoping for her relationship to break and for her to come back to me.

That's when I entirely cut her off. It just didn't feel right being in touch. She's reached out multiple times after that, for friendship that is, I am just too hurt to respond. She called my best friend today & asked how I was doing.

I'm still doing the routine, going on about life.

It just feels nice writing down whatever comes to my mind on here

[wgmitch]

Mitch,

 

Yeah hopefully I'll change to fixed77 real soon.

 

I know she's in love because they're posting that on each other's walls. I've unfriended her, but those posts are public.

 

I'm trying to avoid checking her page altogether.

It's just that, reading all that, is slowly conditioning my brain into accepting that this happened and it's real. And that she's developing feelings for someone, someone who seems like a decent person himself.

 

At the very beginning after the breakup & after a month and a half of no contact whatsoever, she wanted us to be friends & kept reaching out. At that point, I tried to attempt friends, but I found myself secretly hoping for her relationship to break and for her to come back to me.

That's when I entirely cut her off. It just didn't feel right being in touch. She's reached out multiple times after that, for friendship that is, I am just too hurt to respond. She called my best friend today & asked how I was doing.

I'm still doing the routine, going on about life.

It just feels nice writing down whatever comes to my mind on here

 

You are doing the right thing. She cannot be your friend and you don't need that in your life. Keep writing your thoughts and stay NC. We are all moving forward together.

 

Mitch