I want him back so badly

[Tigercat]

Hi guys,

 

First time posting about anything on a forum. Just hoping to get some perspective about the situation.

 

Long story short, we met online about 14 months ago. We were exclusive almost immediately, but took it slow, started the relationship about 3 months later. Didn't sleep together until we were official. We are from different countries, and there was initial anxiety (on my part) as to how long he would be staying here and how we could overcome if he had to go somewhere else to work. At that point, we decided that it was fine to take the plunge because he wouldn't be leaving in the foreseeable future and I was working out (in any event) making my career more location non-specific.

 

At the beginning, all was good. We would meet once or twice a week. Sex was amazing. It was not very passionate or intense and moved at a good pace for me. He explained to me at one point that his last relationship was about a year before he met me and it was intense and passionate, but ended because she cheated on him. He was cut up because of it. I was also fresh out of a 3 year long engagement, and was happy to take things slowly on the basis that we were serious about the relationship.

 

About 6 months in he received news that his company was shutting down. That's when all hell broke loose. I became quite anxious and teary around him, and he started becoming anxious about finding a new job and became increasingly withdrawn. I understand that I should have been more supportive, and I thought I was when I told him that I was open to moving with him if he could tell me what his rough plans were (where he would be, what he wanted to do). He could not provide me with any concrete answers, which, on hindsight, probably contributed to his anxiety.

 

2 months ago, we stopped having sex because he just couldn't do it anymore. He started becoming teary as well, and in our conversations he kept saying that he did not want to break up. I became teary too because of the stress of work and the situation. About 3 weeks back I was going on holiday, and so was he, for a week each, and before that we had a fight over his inability to vocalise the fact that he loved me (I would say it and he would say me too). The break up barely lasted 30 mins before we patched back. We took the next day off texting and seeing each other, and when we met the day after he told me that he wanted to try again and we would work things out.

 

On holiday we were in semi-constant contact (texting photos and messages etc). When he got back he seemed relaxed and happy, and told me that when he was on holiday he seemed fine and could get it up, so he was positive about our sex life looking on the up. Then things started spiralling again. 4 days ago, we went out for a simple dinner, went back to his place, and he started crying. I wanted him to talk to me, and he said that things were getting worse, he was confused about his future and his feelings towards me, and we should break up.

 

I reacted in anger, told him that we should try to work things out. He said that we were better off as friends first, but leaving the door open to see how things developed. I told him that this was pointless because we didn't start out as friends, but that if he wanted to break up, he could have it. So I deleted his number and texts, unfollowed and unfriended him on social media, the left. That was the last I heard from him.

 

Sometime day before I saw him on the dating app that we met.

 

I admit that I would have done so many things differently to help me, but I'm confused now. I know he broke up with me, and I know he's very confused. I love him, and I had a gut when this first started that the relationship would be different. I'm terrified I will never hear from him again, but I'n repressing the urge to text because I'm scared of rejection and I genuinely want to give him some space to sort things out for himself.

 

What should I do? I'm crying (intermittently) and going on meaningless (dates), and living in semi denial that it's over. I know it's only been 4 days, but the lack of sleep is getting to me.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like it wasn't working from his end due to a variety of reasons. The fact that he's back on dating apps means you should remain no contact.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with Wiseman. He is still looking for a dating candidate, so I would keep that in mind when you have the urge to contact him.

 

It appears he's never been totally committed to the relationship, even though he liked you. His inability to tell you he loved you, the problems in the bedroom, saying he's confused about his feelings - taken together, this was a man who just wasn't on the same page as you, in terms of investment and romantic interest.

 

I am sorry you're hurting; I know it's so hard to go through this. But considering this has now happened twice, it needs to be the last time.