Am I being used?

[Red88]

I was in a serious relationship with my ex gf for 5 yrs until SHE ended it. The relationship ended about 5 mths ago for a variety of reasons. One being I was a downright A hole to put it lightly. I have recognized my flaws and I am currently taking the necessary steps to prevent further occurrences (self reflecting, working on myself, etc). It was a hard pill to swallow because I lost a good person through my behavior and not only that, the mother of my child.

 

I text and talk to my ex about issues relative to our child. I also video chat my daughter at least 4 times a week. I currently live 8hrs from them due to work.

 

(Ok that was a little background my question concerns more of what’s below).

 

I have taken the breakup extremely hard so I met someone new for a distraction and also someone to do activities with. My ex asked the other day if I was seeing anyone new and I said yes. Since revealing this to my ex, contact initiated by her has quadrupled in all forms mentioned above. She asked all forms of questions including if I was wearing protection!

 

Fast forward two weeks. I made plans to visit my daughter. My ex and I agreed I could stay stay with her to save money. The day before I left we had a conversation and she mentioned she needed a “booty call” and that it (sex) had been a while. Well long story short it happened, more than once. It was passionate. She said to not “catch feelings”. Well I did. She has stated that she wants to stay single.

 

Tonight I told her how I felt for her and I came off as desperate and needy. She said she wants to remain single and she likes the way things are right now. All the progress I had made as far as healing has been wiped clean.

 

My question is this. What advice would you give as far as communication goes? Best approach for healing? Am I being strung along and used? Reconciliation?

[GoodGumbo]

Used? For sex? Yes, she told you it was a booty call and not to catch feelings. It seems to me that she liked having a toy and somebody else picked up her toy so she has to reclaim it. She got an ego stroke that you cheated on the other girl with her. If I were you and you could control your feelings, I would treat her like a side piece that she seems to want to be. But not really fair to anyone else you are dating if they think you are exclusive! You have a relationship with your ex because of the child but you decide if you are willing to continue having sex with her and getting torn up by it. You should probably stop and set a firm boundary on that front. Move on because it sounds as if will and, she will have a much easier time with it.

[SweetGirl28]

Ex sex is not uncommon. And technically yes she used you for the sex but she said don't catch feelings.

It's not her fault because she did not force you to get hard and lay down with her. You chose it. You knew you still have feelings for her and you know you can't be having sex while feeling that way about an ex, or even a fwb.

 

You live eight hours apart. It's not like you'll be meeting up every week for sex, so leave it behind you.

What's done is done. Just don't do it again when you visit.

 

Do focus on anything but moving forward and communicating only about your child.

[Lambert]

pick yourself up.

 

a reconciliation is not possible at this time. you are connected by a child. pour that into Kiddo.

 

move fwd with new boundaries. what she does is a reflection of her. how you react is a reflection of you.

 

do you want her back? well... she has to want that, too. its a jagged little pill as alanais said...

 

what about the girl you've been seeing... is this good for her?

 

maybe recognize your ex wants to be single. could you be happy with new girl?

[Red88]

Yea you’re right. At the time she said “don’t catch feelings” I laughed and replied “no way!”....but it seems I did. I’m not exclusive with anyone nor have I made any commitments. The girl who I’ve been talking to

(not my ex) just wants to hang out and do activities. I’m not doing any injustice in that area, I’m not that kinda guy. So I guess I’m left with 2 options; option A- treat her as a side piece but be fully aware that it’s just for fun and that’s it. Or option B- break the side piece off and move forward. I’m really leaning toward option A :)

 

From a reconciliation standpoint, what would be the wisest option, A or B ?

 

I don’t think I could be happy with the new girl. Red flags and incompatibility have been shown. We are both on the same page, but we enjoy each others company and get along fine without getting physical. Got physical twice, not compatible ( some people are very strange in that area :/ ).

 

Anyways, thanks everyone for your replies. It has helped me so much!

 

Anyone is welcome to share there stories on this thread on the particular issue of being used or not sure if you are!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Good you are attending to your daughter. Oops. Never talk about your personal life with an ex even if they ask. As far as sex with the ex, it happens, it's familiar, etc. She's not using you, but hopping in bed on visits to your daughter will set you back. Date new women locally, and wean yourself off the ex.

My ex asked the other day if I was seeing anyone new and I said yes. The day before I left we had a conversation and she mentioned she needed a “booty call” and that it (sex) had been a while. Well long story short it happened, more than once.

[Pelotte]

Hey :)

Aren't you afraid to catch feelings and to make it more difficult to move on if you stick to option A ? It's up to you to decide, if you think you are able to treat her as a side piece just for fun and nothing more, why not ?

"from a reconciliation standpoint what would be the wisest option, A or B ?"

 

If you're still aiming for reconciliation, I don't think you're over her and thus, you might get your feelings hurt if you chose option A. Obviously, I really don't know all or your situation and only you can decide what's best for you :)

Good luck !

[Red88]

Thank you for your responses! They have helped me process my reality without the “fog” of emotions and will help me make a more informed decision on the next visit.

 

My daughter is and always will be my #1 priority. That’s not an issue by any means.

 

I was quick to tell her (my ex) about the new girl when SHE asked (I didn’t throw it in her face, that would be rude) thinking that playing the jealousy card would bring clarity to the fact I’m really moving on and if she had any thoughts of reconciliation, she’d better act on them. Compared to communication before revealing this, it quadrupled, and conversation started to be more unrelated to our daughter. It was fun and light.

 

My question.

Was it right for me to play the jealousy card with reconciliation as the motive? Going forward I’m keeping my personal life to myself and will divert the conversation in another direction if we arrive on that topic. I want to create the “mystery effect” and not be so open and available to her and let her mind wander.

 

I put my heart on the line last night with the intent of eliminating hope. It helped tremendously. I can’t internalize strong feelings for someone for long. I can’t have ANY hope to fully heal. I’m hard headed and stubborn so getting rid of hope has been a trying experience. I have no problem putting my heart on the line multiple times and not getting the answers that I want to hear. Again, I’m stubborn and I formulate reasons in my head to keep hope. So the more someone tells me to move on, the better I process it as my reality. I get in the mind frame of “fine, this is really what she (my ex) wants, her loss!).

 

Hope everyone is having a great day :)

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you for your responses! They have helped me process my reality without the “fog” of emotions and will help me make a more informed decision on the next visit.

 

My daughter is and always will be my #1 priority. That’s not an issue by any means.

 

I was quick to tell her (my ex) about the new girl when SHE asked (I didn’t throw it in her face, that would be rude) thinking that playing the jealousy card would bring clarity to the fact I’m really moving on and if she had any thoughts of reconciliation, she’d better act on them. Compared to communication before revealing this, it quadrupled, and conversation started to be more unrelated to our daughter. It was fun and light.

 

My question.

Was it right for me to play the jealousy card with reconciliation as the motive? Going forward I’m keeping my personal life to myself and will divert the conversation in another direction if we arrive on that topic. I want to create the “mystery effect” and not be so open and available to her and let her mind wander.

 

I put my heart on the line last night with the intent of eliminating hope. It helped tremendously. I can’t internalize strong feelings for someone for long. I can’t have ANY hope to fully heal. I’m hard headed and stubborn so getting rid of hope has been a trying experience. I have no problem putting my heart on the line multiple times and not getting the answers that I want to hear. Again, I’m stubborn and I formulate reasons in my head to keep hope. So the more someone tells me to move on, the better I process it as my reality. I get in the mind frame of “fine, this is really what she (my ex) wants, her loss!).

 

Hope everyone is having a great day :)

 

Lol, the jealousy card does work only when dealing with a person who isn't jealous. Playing it on someone with jealousy issues will surely backfire. Happened to me, not that I intentionally did it, he already dumped me, but he was livid when he saw me on another guy. I was a little tipsy I get attention quick and I was there single and honestly I forgot I was even in his eyesight lol. But it was ok for him lol. Double standards.

[MissCanuck]

The "jealousy card" is pointless, because if a person's only motivation to come back is because they're jealous, they'll bounce again as soon as their ego is fluffed by knowing they've still got you hooked. Likewise for creating an air of mystery. It's not sufficient for a true reconciliation, and as soon as your ex has debunked the mystery, you're back at Square One.

 

You walked right into that one, too. Your ex wanted to be sure she still had you at her beck and call, if she chose. And she discovered that she did. She has been clear she doesn't want to date you though. This was about her ego, not love for you.

[Red88]

Thank you MissCanuck and all who’ve replied! Y’all have helped me tremendously.

 

What you say makes sense. The “jealousy card” and “mystery effect” is nothing but games and a waste of time. It won’t sustain a reconciliation and will only bring suffering. I really needed to hear this. I am going to call it quits all together and let go of my ex and focus on improving my life and daughters now. Life’s to short to be wasting time trying to manipulate another’s actions for a fruitless reward.

 

I went on another date with the new girl last night. It was fun. We had a few drinks, ate dinner and I overall had a good experience. I think I’ll continue seeing her and put my ex behind me.

 

I think I’m blinded by the fact that me and my ex have a child. I never imagined having a child with someone and not being a full time live in dad, so the thought of being a long distance dad was very tough at first. Knowing that holidays, birthdays, and seeing them grow day to day was gonna be limited due to me working out of town. It’s a tough reality that I struggled to cope with at first. At this point, I’m thankful I was able to see my child be born.

 

I guess that’s life and things don’t always work out as we had planned. I’m just thankful that my child is safe, happy and healthy! Life goes on and I’m sure me and my child have many good times ahead of us :)

 

I originally started this thread with the topic being “am I being used”. Now, with the help and insight from all who’ve replied, I realize I WAS being used, but going forward I will not continue to be. I will value myself more than just being a “toy” that’s purpose is to boost and ego. I realize that sex after a romantic relationship ends, is just sex without the intimacy. I have found ex sex is not always a good indicator of feelings from either person, just an act. I will not be controlled by someone else and will certainly not be at there beck an call. I feel as though I have broken many of the chains that have weighed my healing process down and it’s freeing. I still have a ways to go until fully healed, but I feel I have won half the battle.

 

Thank you :)