Self sabotaged my relationship?

[Rnavar1]

My boyfriend broke up with me less than a week ago. The background on this relationship is that we have been dating 6 month. Overall, no major problems. He treated me well, told me he loved me all the time. When we did get into arguments , it was over stupid little things like him not calling when he knew I needed to talk to him. However these little things always resulted in him getting angry and defensive with a breakup . Usually I was able to talk him down, until our most recent incident .

 

Two weeks ago my ex got promoted to a new job and had to move several hours away . He told me that he was overwhelmed with the job.We talked about the move many times and had a plan.

 

On the day of the breakup, I had quit my job ( recently I had surgery and my job was at risk because of it) and had several job interviews in the city he moved to. He had urged me prior to look for jobs near him, with the goal to move and have a fresh start. When I informed him of the interviews, he did not respond the way I thought-didn’t say much. I casually mentioned getting my own place or staying where I was, to see how he reacted . He mentioned that he had a lot going on, gave me the impression that he needed more time to get settled. Initially he felt he would be ready for me after 2-3 months . However, he had wanted to lease a place to live recently and asked me about job prospects near him. I thought he would be ok with the job interview , as getting hired in my field takes time anyways.

 

I was feeling unsettled over the conversation . I went on his Facebook and noticed that his ex and he were pretty active with comments. When I clicked on her , I saw their history from last year . He was very vocal about his love for her on Facebook and there were tons of pictures of them online. This upset me and made me question his feelings. There were no pictures of me or an indication that we were together . To note, we had just become Facebook friends because of our jobs. He didn’t want people to publicize our relationship . We had worked at the same place . However , she worked with him at one point too .

 

I texted my ex and told him I didn’t want them be friends on Facebook and went on a tangent about his ex ( who has suggestive, raunchy pics on his page of her) . I said I felt like second place . However, this is how I felt at that moment. Outside of Facebook, we did everything together and he always made me feel special.

 

My boyfriend got very very angry about the Facebook thing, and broke up with me via text. I tried to discuss it with him the next Day. He wouldn’t talk about it/ refused to answer my calls He said via text there wasn’t anything to talk about and that if I contacted him he would block me. I wasn’t able to calm him down like normal .

 

I’m heart broken. I feel like my insecurities Ruined a good relationship . Just hours before the breakup we were planning our weekend together and he said he loved me, as he usually did.

What are your thoughts on this? I feel I sabotaged myself.

 

Thanks

Ps I’m 37. He is 45

[thorough]

He sounds extremely selfish! There is an issue if he misses out on calls he said he would make. You deserve WAY better and it actually sounds like he didn't have a ton of interest in the 1st place. He may have had something going on w/an ex or you were a rebound in between. Sorry you are hurting, but when you find someone who keeps their word and does things they say they will, you will feel 100x better. Try to find another job and do not move to be near him and do not let him manipulate you to come back, even of he begs. He has no consideration for you, esp asking to quit your job when he planning to break up w/you.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you sabotaged this and ruined things all on your own.

 

He was lukewarm about you moving closer to him, so I have a feeling he was already checking out of your relationship.

 

He also threatened break-ups when fighting. At 45 freakin' years old? This man is immature and and not really invested. I am sorry to say, but I would let him stay gone. You shouldn't need to talk someone down each time you argue so they don't leave you. This wasn't healthy and he wasn't actually on the same page as you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. After 6 mos of dating, there was too much talk of relocating to him, etc. It sounds like she's not an ex and they are on/off. You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him and all his people from your social media.

we have been dating 6 month. Two weeks ago my ex got promoted to a new job and had to move several hours away. He didn’t want people to publicize our relationship .

[katrina1980]

>>When we did get into arguments, it was over stupid things like him not calling when he knew I needed to talk to him.

 

^Please elaborate.

 

Without having more info, my sense is he found you too needy, clingy, demanding "for him."

 

Way too much drama, especially so early on.

 

Your reactions seem quite over the top in general.

 

Not saying he was perfect, he wasn't, but this early in (I mean you only dated six months total and this * must have been going on for awhile prior to break up), it serves no good purpose to be demanding he stop being *friends* with his ex on FB and throwing tantrums. Starting fights because he doesn't call when you want to talk to him, etc etc.

 

Just leave!

 

I think he had checked out way before the actual breakup.

 

Yeah work on your insecurities and going forward, when a man isn't treating you the way you want (and need) to be treated, including not calling when you need him to, still communicating with his ex, either lower expectations or just walk away.

 

For me, the ex thing would have been a dealbreaker, but I would never demand he stop being friends with her or throw tantrums, good grief!

 

It's just buh bye, next!

 

Done.

[Rnavar1]

Sorry. I had a typo. I didn’t ask him to not be friends with her on Facebook. I said I did not want to be friends with him.

I did throw a bit but of a tantrum via text. He wouldn’t discuss anything by phone which just escalated everything . I think he was just sick of me because he said that it was the “ third time” I had acted like that and there was nothing to further discuss.

I know I am clingy/needy— only when I am interested which happens every once in a blue moon. I believe that is why I ruined the relationship.

[Rnavar1]

Additional info: He did not call back when I needed I talk to him was one of the incidents. I had went to the doctor to find out if I needed surgery for cancerous cells.

[katrina1980]

Sorry. I had a typo. I didn’t ask him to not be friends with her on Facebook. I said I did not want to be friends with him.

I did throw a bit but of a tantrum via text. He wouldn’t discuss anything by phone which just escalated everything . I think he was just sick of me because he said that it was the “ third time” I had acted like that and there was nothing to further discuss.

I know I am clingy/needy— only when I am interested which happens every once in a blue moon. I believe that is why I ruined the relationship.

 

Here's the thing.

 

We all feel insecure sometimes.

 

Even in long term relationships, there will be moments we feel anxious and insecure.

 

Whether that anxiety is due to something your partner is doing or not doing or it could come from within yourself.

 

What's important is that you contain it.

 

Do NOT burden your partner with it, try and work it out within yourself, or if you believe in therapy, with the help of a qualified therapist.

 

Needy clingy will drive anyone away eventually.

 

These early stages are for dating, getting to know each other, and determining if a man is right for you, a good fit for you. And vice versa of course.

 

If he's actually behaving in ways that cause you anxiety/insecurity, either lower expectations, or walk away and look for another man who is a better fit.

 

Save the discussing, negotiating, resolving issues for when you've already determined you're a good fit for each other and in a long term relationship.

 

That still doesn't give you license to throw tantrums though, and become needy, clingy, that's just unacceptable, but it appears you know this which is good!

 

I'm sorry this didn't work :( but lesson learned for next relationship!

[Rnavar1]

Thank you for the responses.

[katrina1980]

Additional info: He did not call back when I needed I talk to him was one of the incidents. I had went to the doctor to find out if I needed surgery for cancerous cells.

 

I'm sorry about your cancer surgery, I hope you're okay.

 

But next time, call your mom or dad, sibling or a good girlfriend.

 

Something like that should be saved for a "committed" partner with whom you are in a committed long term relationship.

 

I had a bit of a scare while dating my recent ex (dating him two months at the time) and I talked with my brother about it.

 

Turned out I was fine but I don't think I even mentioned it to my ex, there was no reason to burden a man I've only been dating a short time with all that.