I need to get this off my chest...

[Notmi]

Very thanks if you are reading this. I dont know if I need advice or just to say these things....

 

I've been in an abusive relationship and I am a broken person now.

I met my ex in 2012 when I was only 17. I was impressed by how much he chased me and the way he showed respect and love to me so I fell in love very fast and very deep. Looking back now I can spot his manipulating ways from the very beggining. He would be mad at me for simple things such as scratching him a little by mistake while being intimate or another guy looking at me when we where walking down the street. He was too jealous of everything but did not say a word in the first few months.

After a while I got accepted into art school (a very good one too) and I had to leave town. When I got away he made my life a hell and i did not even realise it. He would not let me go out of my house after 12 am saying he is worried of me being alone at the streets at night. He would call me every 15 min when I was out to talk even though i was saying to him that i am with new people trying to make friends and I can be on the phone. He always said how he misses me and that i hurt him when I reject him. I stayed in my small one bedroom apartment for 3 weeks alone with skype always on. One night I closed the laptop when he fell asleep and went out. Next day he was mad saying I had guys over, while me crying out to tell him I only fell asleep. Thats where my lies started. I would go back to my town every weekend (3hour drive) and back to my little cell again in mondays. He was the only one I had to talk since he didnt let me make any friends. Too stupid that I didnt leave.

I left my college town after a month. I went back in my home town, living in his house staying all day inside waiting for him to come back from work. My parents did not know about this. They thought their girl was away studying and partying like every 18 y old should be... I stayed in his house for 6 months, where I felt happy. He treated me like a princess. He even asked me to marry him. I said yes but I said we should wait until the summer (thank god) .But I wanted to study so badly that I got depressed and I told him that i need to go to my college. Long story short he left his whole life we found a bigger place he found a new job and I could live like a college student and have the man I loved in my side too.

Thats when things started getting really bad. He never wanted to go out with me, and he never wanted me to go out neither. He started getting violent throwing stuff around and yelling at me every time we had a fight. I was sleep deprived and being already an insomniac I was on 2-3h sleep every day. Every time I would go to school he would call all the time. He accused me of being a and cheat behind his back. How and when??? he was being paranoid.

When summer came I had to leave for 2 weeks to go to a planned trip with my parents. He said I abandoned him in a place where he had no friends (except one that was not here for the summer) and it was my fault he was there. When I got back it was a nightmare. I did not have any real friends neither. He never let me go out and even if I did he would call me non stop. He had only one friend here (his best friend from high school also studied in the same class with me but older than me) He started going out and vanish at nights. I realised he was cheating on me.

He came home one night very drunk and it was too obvious he was with another woman. I was crying my eyes out asking where he has been, begging to tell me the truth. He got really mad. He said that I was a and that I deserved to die. He hit me. He left bruises on my whole body. He tried to choke me 3 times. He locked the door so I could not leave. I was frozen I couldnt even scream. I never thought that something like that could happen to me. I ended up having my first panic attack, and one of the worst ones and he was getting sober so he stood me up and got me out of the house (me still in pajamas and flip flops) to take me to the hospital. When we got to a road with people I started running but he was faster. He grabed me started kicking me to the ground until an old guy saw this and stopped him. That guy saved me that day. He called the cops but I said nothing. I went to a "friend" from school that leaved nearby. When I was on the way my ex called to tell me that he is sorry and that he wants to commit suicide for what he has done to me. So here is me running back in the house again....

I could not leave. I always thought that women who stay in abusive relationships are stupid. They are being so manipulated that no one can save them... I stayed with him for 3 more years. He was cheating and hurting me, blackmailing me in all ways. I was cheating too, it was my way of revenge. I turned down so many nice guys who could not understand what they have done wrong and I was not in for something more serious. The 4rth year of this hell I got severe anxiety and depression. My school was too demanding, the few friends I managed to make were nowhere to be seen, and him who had moved out and went back to our home town tormenting me. One day promising eternal love, the other not answering the phone. I tried suicide 3 times. But I never did it eventually. I would go to the roof of the tallest building of the town at night and stay there until morning thinking about jumping. He finally left me for another woman in march. Maybe I didnt realise it then but it was my way out. He never told me he broke up with me of course he just ghosted me. Only to come back after a month or two begging for me to take him back. I spend my summer in nature thinking and moving on. He did call and send messages some to say he loves me some to say he will kill me. But I was free:)

After 5 months I met my now bf. He knows that my ex had hurt me but no details. My ex came to my house several times, called every day and begged for me so I had to tell my bf about him very early on. He stopped bothering me after a year. I last heard from him when he called from another number last xmas drunk crying about how much he loves me. I hung up.

All this has left me wounded. I cant trust nobody. I still have nightmares of my ex trying to kill me. My now relationship suffers from my insecurity and fear, even though i try to hide it.

There is so much more to say but I really feel that it will be too long, so maybe another day...

I hope someone will read this.

Thanks a lot.

and if someone is having something similar. Please ask for help.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him from all messaging platforms and social media, changed your passwords and alerted close friends and family. Also you need to get a restraining order. Given the extent of physical violence, it should be easy. Unfortunately you and a new bf can't keep looking over your shoulders. You are at greater risk of violence during and after leaving than before. So is any guy you date.

[DanZee]

Oh, my God. You're suffering from PTSD. You need to find an abuse group to join or a therapist to go to. This is one of the worst stories I have ever heard. You owe it to your boyfriend and to yourself to get help. You deserve a happy life and your boyfriend deserves the best girlfriend you can be. You can call an abuse hotline to get options and maybe even free personal counseling. I'm sorry sorry you went through this. It was not your fault. He made you emotionally dependent on him. The most intelligent women have gotten caught up in the same web of abuse.

[catfeeder]

I've been in an abusive relationship and I am a broken person now.

 

Be careful with your statements. Those are self fulfilling. You get to decide whether you've survived an abusive relationship to surprise everyone, including yourself, with an adopted skill of resilience that you will devote to creating a fabulous future for yourself, or whether you will adopt a 'damaged' mentality and ruminate yourself a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

It's a decision.