Today is 30 days NC

[GettingThere89]

I wanted to do a post in here after surviving 30 days NC.

 

Just a little backstory (I posted the long version in the breaking up thread), basically my ex and I were together for 4 years, and lived together for 4 months before he broke it off. Ultimately, our sex life died down in the past few months, he said he's lost the "spark" and the "passion" and he said it wasn't able to be fixed. It was pretty devastating. He was my best friend and we were compatible in so many other ways. I didn't do any begging, I accepted his decision and while we were both crying and still said we loved each other, I gave him a hug and said goodbye. As we were living together there were still a lot of logistical issues to work out, but I sorted through them in a very neutral manner (while I was dying inside), and I moved back home to my parent's house for the time being. Two weeks later, he wished me a happy birthday. I said thank you. I asked for my share of February rent the day afterward, which he agreed to, and we have not talked since... that was 30 days ago.

 

This is my first relationship... ever. I heard first love heartbreaks are pretty brutal. I definitely felt it.

 

So where am I now?

 

I immediately started seeing a therapist a week after the break-up. I was going to see one before I met my ex for my anxiety, but when I was in the relationship, it seemed like the anxiety had vanished (or so I thought). When he left, it all came crashing down... so I bit the bullet and scheduled an appointment. It's really just very helpful to talk to an unbiased person about the whole thing, and his insight has helped me realize a lot of things about myself that I need to work on to become a better person in general and in any relationship (romantic or not).

 

I started a personal blog where I post about my feelings every day. I've started focusing on daily gratitude - 3 things everyday that I am thankful for, and what I've learned from my relationship and how I can be a better person in general.

 

I am a career driven person and did not miss a single day of work for this break-up ... in fact, he broke up with me on a super busy week, so it was easy to bury myself in work. Of course, I had to run to the bathroom multiple times a day to get some tears out, but I thought laying around sobbing in fetal position at my parents' house was a bad idea.

 

Joined a gym, got signed up by a cute guy - 3 weeks after the break-up, I was letting myself think these thoughts... that I can flirt with other people again!

 

I have not said no to any of my friends inviting me out for dinner or hang outs or going places (ok, maybe said no once). I quickly realized that any sorts of alcohol amplified the sadness x10, so I've stopped drinking (as of Saturday). The 3 times I got slightly buzzed I had to literally hold myself back from calling him in tears. In fact, Saturday I had a complete meltdown after having 2 glasses of wine at my friend's house and drove to our old apartment and sat in my car sobbing (we lived down the street from my friend). SO. No more alcohol.

 

I've been reading these threads and generally more and more about the psychology of relationships to try to understand not just why he was acting in a certain manner, but especially how I acted. Just so I can bring it forward to any future relationship I'm in.

 

How am I feeling?

 

I still love him very much, and miss him all the time. But somehow, at the magic 30 day number, I felt like I've woken up. I'm finally feeling like I've moved to the stage of acceptance. Even though the urge to contact him is still strong, the habit to contact him at all times of the day is gone. Hanging out with all the other people in my life really put into perspective how much they all mean to me and how much I didn't cultivate those relationships while I was in mine.

 

Do I still hope he'll reach out to me to reconcile? YES. Now that I see everything much clearer, I still think our issues can be fixed with proper communication, which we didn't have much of. All of these issues we had, in my eyes, are any issues in a long term relationship. A lull, a rut, whatever you want to call it. This being my first relationship, and his longest, I don't think either of us understood how to get through it. But he needs to be in a state of mind where he wants to work on it as much as I do. And I've resigned myself to that. As much as everyone says to STOP CLINGING TO HOPE, I think everyone knows that that is just impossible. At least if you were in a good relationship. I might never give up hope. At least not until the next relationship. I will let that hope burn until it decides to burn out, not because some random people tell me to give up. It's still a daily struggle to convince myself that I shouldn't reach out first. It gets easier by the day though.

 

Will I let hope hold me back?

 

NO. I KNOW there are other fish in the sea. I joined a dating app this past weekend... as much as I'm not ready yet, it was pretty theraputic to put together my profile and just even think about the idea of attracting someone else into my life.

 

So, there you have it. 30 days, NC, 6 weeks post break-up. Everyone heals in their own way. I just wanted everyone to know that it's possible to keep moving forward through all the pain.

[DanZee]

It sounds like you're on the road to recover.y I would just advise you to give up on any dream of reconciliation. When a man loses his sexual desire like that, he's either cheating or is totally over you. I don't see how communication would fix that.

[GettingThere89]

It sounds like you're on the road to recover.y I would just advise you to give up on any dream of reconciliation. When a man loses his sexual desire like that, he's either cheating or is totally over you. I don't see how communication would fix that.

 

Thanks DanZee, I appreciate the comment. Like I said, I'm going to "give up" on my own time. There are obviously a lot of nuances to every relationship, and every person. What you don't see might be different to another.

 

That being said, it's only been 6 weeks and I'm currently feeling fine. The rollercoaster is still running it's course but I like to think I'm progressing in a good way compared to how distressed I was even a week or two ago.

[sputnik123]

Well done GettingThere (nice name btw)..

 

Proud of you for your journey so far.. it gets easier from here, I promise!

 

Keep up the NC.. this is for you, noone else.

 

It does help to be here, so you are in the right place.

 

S x

[Stacks44]

And remember that it's ok if you feel worse on some days compared to others. I've had some days that were hard, and it was easy for me to think that some of my earlier progress was false because I was still having bad moments or days. Not saying you will, but I did and this was a lesson I eventually came to learn.

 

You sound like a very strong and intelligent woman. The vast majority of us (myself included) were not fully functional in any aspect of our lives for a long time afterwards. Keep us posted!

[GettingThere89]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I think that's what I was really looking for as I was writing this - also writing everything out is pretty theraputic. I still have days of deep anxiety and despair (for example last Saturday when I broke down sobbing in front of our old apartment...) but the couple days after that I was out in the world feeling happy.

 

I've been single the majority of my life, which is how I managed to convince myself that I would be fine without him. However, I still miss him like crazy and did plan a future with him. Somehow, when someone tells you they've found a ring and was working on the engagement, it's enough to bring one's hopes up, isn't it? All for it to come crashing down when he said he couldn't bring himself to buy it. Overall it was a very amicable break-up, but that particular moment just really crushed me.

 

Live and learn...

[SweetGirl28]

I hate to be the downer here, but you do need to NOT cling to hope on this situation.

A loss of sexual attraction on a man's part destroys a relationship and there's no way to rekindle that.

If he just got cold feet because you moved in and were planning on getting engaged, you could hold on to a bit of hope that things could change in the future. There's no way to make a man sexually interested in you again. You tried. Two days later he broke up with you. It doesn't even have anything to do with you ho,ding back from lack of previous experience either, because he could have introduced different things to you. That's what people who are really into one another do. They talk about it. There's something within him, so be good to yourself and stay strong. You will find love and compatibility again when the timing is good for you.

[GettingThere89]

I appreciate your reply. I'm not clinging on to hope. I'm just simply letting it be there. I can't just turn off hope like a light switch. It's impossible. Especially when we both had a true, loving relationship... and it's only been 6 weeks.

 

I know it's something within him, which is why I'm fighting myself everyday to let him work it out for himself. If he does, then great. If not, then I'm open to whatever the future has in store for me. I'm not in the game of making him feel anything for me. People will feel what they feel. If I need to change him in order to be with them, then I'd rather not be with him. If he's willing to work through it because I'm that important to him, then that's a different story.

 

If I could start dating other people now I would, but I know I still have too much emotional baggage to even begin to try dating at the moment.

 

I've come to this forum not to be told what to do, but just to be encouraged that it will get better.

[SweetGirl28]

I understand, and you need to feel what you feel and go through all the emotions. It just burns me when men can reduce a woman to feeling this way by saying there's no sexual attraction, like that makes you not sexy in his eyes. Yet he moves you in and spends all those years with you. I get the opposite where I'm looked at for that and it burns me just as much because whichever end of it you're on, it still means these men are not seeing true value and worth, and there's no point in staying with anyone , whether attracted sexually and not seeing value, or not attracted so you lose value in their eyes, if that makes any sense. I just hope you don't see yourself in a negative light for what he did, that's all. I apologize I didn't mean to be harsh with you, it's just that I hope you see you're worth so much more than what he has you feeling, and I do hope you move on a meet a man who loves, respects, and cherishes you when you're ready.

[RayRay63]

I'm at 30+ days gettingthere. Works for us guys to.