GettingThere89 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I wanted to do a post in here after surviving 30 days NC. Just a little backstory (I posted the long version in the breaking up thread), basically my ex and I were together for 4 years, and lived together for 4 months before he broke it off. Ultimately, our sex life died down in the past few months, he said he's lost the "spark" and the "passion" and he said it wasn't able to be fixed. It was pretty devastating. He was my best friend and we were compatible in so many other ways. I didn't do any begging, I accepted his decision and while we were both crying and still said we loved each other, I gave him a hug and said goodbye. As we were living together there were still a lot of logistical issues to work out, but I sorted through them in a very neutral manner (while I was dying inside), and I moved back home to my parent's house for the time being. Two weeks later, he wished me a happy birthday. I said thank you. I asked for my share of February rent the day afterward, which he agreed to, and we have not talked since... that was 30 days ago. This is my first relationship... ever. I heard first love heartbreaks are pretty brutal. I definitely felt it. So where am I now? I immediately started seeing a therapist a week after the break-up. I was going to see one before I met my ex for my anxiety, but when I was in the relationship, it seemed like the anxiety had vanished (or so I thought). When he left, it all came crashing down... so I bit the bullet and scheduled an appointment. It's really just very helpful to talk to an unbiased person about the whole thing, and his insight has helped me realize a lot of things about myself that I need to work on to become a better person in general and in any relationship (romantic or not). I started a personal blog where I post about my feelings every day. I've started focusing on daily gratitude - 3 things everyday that I am thankful for, and what I've learned from my relationship and how I can be a better person in general. I am a career driven person and did not miss a single day of work for this break-up ... in fact, he broke up with me on a super busy week, so it was easy to bury myself in work. Of course, I had to run to the bathroom multiple times a day to get some tears out, but I thought laying around sobbing in fetal position at my parents' house was a bad idea. Joined a gym, got signed up by a cute guy - 3 weeks after the break-up, I was letting myself think these thoughts... that I can flirt with other people again! I have not said no to any of my friends inviting me out for dinner or hang outs or going places (ok, maybe said no once). I quickly realized that any sorts of alcohol amplified the sadness x10, so I've stopped drinking (as of Saturday). The 3 times I got slightly buzzed I had to literally hold myself back from calling him in tears. In fact, Saturday I had a complete meltdown after having 2 glasses of wine at my friend's house and drove to our old apartment and sat in my car sobbing (we lived down the street from my friend). SO. No more alcohol. I've been reading these threads and generally more and more about the psychology of relationships to try to understand not just why he was acting in a certain manner, but especially how I acted. Just so I can bring it forward to any future relationship I'm in. How am I feeling? I still love him very much, and miss him all the time. But somehow, at the magic 30 day number, I felt like I've woken up. I'm finally feeling like I've moved to the stage of acceptance. Even though the urge to contact him is still strong, the habit to contact him at all times of the day is gone. Hanging out with all the other people in my life really put into perspective how much they all mean to me and how much I didn't cultivate those relationships while I was in mine. Do I still hope he'll reach out to me to reconcile? YES. Now that I see everything much clearer, I still think our issues can be fixed with proper communication, which we didn't have much of. All of these issues we had, in my eyes, are any issues in a long term relationship. A lull, a rut, whatever you want to call it. This being my first relationship, and his longest, I don't think either of us understood how to get through it. But he needs to be in a state of mind where he wants to work on it as much as I do. And I've resigned myself to that. As much as everyone says to STOP CLINGING TO HOPE, I think everyone knows that that is just impossible. At least if you were in a good relationship. I might never give up hope. At least not until the next relationship. I will let that hope burn until it decides to burn out, not because some random people tell me to give up. It's still a daily struggle to convince myself that I shouldn't reach out first. It gets easier by the day though. Will I let hope hold me back? NO. I KNOW there are other fish in the sea. I joined a dating app this past weekend... as much as I'm not ready yet, it was pretty theraputic to put together my profile and just even think about the idea of attracting someone else into my life. So, there you have it. 30 days, NC, 6 weeks post break-up. Everyone heals in their own way. I just wanted everyone to know that it's possible to keep moving forward through all the pain. Link to comment
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