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Still hurting after all this time...


wgmitch
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I am still is disbelief that all this has happened. How do I heal?

 

Breakup happened on Aug 1, (2 1/2 year relationship) immediate NC both sides. After nearly 4 months, my ex broke NC with sentimental words, intimacy and a promise of a new start just her and I. Two days later she broke that promise as well. It was Thanksgiving day. I'm coming up on the NC milestone again of almost 4 months.

 

I'm feeling a little better, but what the hell?! I just need to type this out and hear some words of encouragement, please.

 

Mitch

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So sorry Bro* I'm right there with you.... You've probably read some of my thread...

 

The only thing I can say is that a few months from a 2.5 year relationship that you were deeply invested in is not that long really.

 

Not even as long as a pregnancy :eek:

 

Sending you Strength

 

Carus*

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Hey Mitch,

 

You know I am with you on this, amongst many others.

 

4 months NC (and counting..) is exactly what she deserves after what happened! Don't forget that.

 

You have helped countless people here, including me!

 

Healing takes time and distance (emotionally, if not physically).

 

Hang in there buddy. We are all there for you.

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congrats on how far you've come! it's hard for all of us.... it's ok to still feel the sting.

 

what have you been doing with your spare time?

 

its been 6-8 weeks nc for me.... it has been hard for me bc although my personality is outgoing and i have a gazillion friendly acquaintances, i am an introvert (need space) and my closest and longest friends are either located in another town or they are married with their own agendas.

 

i work from home a lot so i can be very isolated. normally this isn't a problem and i actually like being alone... but recently dumped & the support system not really there, its been hard.

 

however, this week i had to travel for work and I'm with a group. that has made a huge difference.

 

i was smoking cigarettes (as that is a coping mechanism when I'm stressing) i haven't wanted to smoke.... mostly i think because:

1. change of scenery

2. engaged with people around me

 

i think when i get home tomorrow, I'm going to try to be more active.

 

have you tried being more active to get your mind off the situation? being away from home and with my team has helped me push through the longing for what was. when i catch myself romanticizing the situation, i bring it back to:

1. i made a mistake -he is not "just like me" and that's ok. i know now.

2. i deserve better.... bottom line.... the how & why do not matter. i deserve better.

 

he is still in my thoughts but time is marching on. and i want to march on with it. i don't want this to end me. i don't want this to hold me back bc i deserve better....

 

and so do you. its ok. you will get thru this. it took me about a year to get thru my worst break up..... feel how you feel... push yourself when you can. but also be kind to yourself....

 

you are a million dollar diamond!

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So sorry Bro* I'm right there with you.... You've probably read some of my thread...

 

The only thing I can say is that a few months from a 2.5 year relationship that you were deeply invested in is not that long really.

 

Not even as long as a pregnancy :eek:

 

Sending you Strength

 

Carus*

 

Thank you Carus. I have read your thread. You are strong and I wish you more strength going into our uncertain future.

 

Mitch

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Hey Mitch,

 

You know I am with you on this, amongst many others.

 

4 months NC (and counting..) is exactly what she deserves after what happened! Don't forget that.

 

You have helped countless people here, including me!

 

Healing takes time and distance (emotionally, if not physically).

 

Hang in there buddy. We are all there for you.

 

Hey buddy,

 

Thank you! You are too kind and an inspiration to us all. I cannot repay you for all that you have done for me.

 

I hope you are doing well. I'm here for you.

 

Mitch

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congrats on how far you've come! it's hard for all of us.... it's ok to still feel the sting.

 

what have you been doing with your spare time?

 

its been 6-8 weeks nc for me.... it has been hard for me bc although my personality is outgoing and i have a gazillion friendly acquaintances, i am an introvert (need space) and my closest and longest friends are either located in another town or they are married with their own agendas.

 

i work from home a lot so i can be very isolated. normally this isn't a problem and i actually like being alone... but recently dumped & the support system not really there, its been hard.

 

however, this week i had to travel for work and I'm with a group. that has made a huge difference.

 

i was smoking cigarettes (as that is a coping mechanism when I'm stressing) i haven't wanted to smoke.... mostly i think because:

1. change of scenery

2. engaged with people around me

 

i think when i get home tomorrow, I'm going to try to be more active.

 

have you tried being more active to get your mind off the situation? being away from home and with my team has helped me push through the longing for what was. when i catch myself romanticizing the situation, i bring it back to:

1. i made a mistake -he is not "just like me" and that's ok. i know now.

2. i deserve better.... bottom line.... the how & why do not matter. i deserve better.

 

he is still in my thoughts but time is marching on. and i want to march on with it. i don't want this to end me. i don't want this to hold me back bc i deserve better....

 

and so do you. its ok. you will get thru this. it took me about a year to get thru my worst break up..... feel how you feel... push yourself when you can. but also be kind to yourself....

 

you are a million dollar diamond!

 

Hey Lambert,

 

Thank you! NC and the negative thoughts I have about her are the only thing that have gotten me this far.

 

All my spare time is either spent with my 14 year old son or in the gym, for the most part. Some days I go to the gym twice a day. I too do not have any family or friends close by. I have been drumming more and I would like to join a band again soon. I bought a new bicycle and I'm looking forward to getting out and riding. (Still cold here.) My house sure looks better since I have embarked on quite a few projects.

 

I got back on a dating site and have been dating. I have met some very nice people and even a friend or two. I don't discuss my ex, but I'm up front about not wanting to get into a relationship at this point. If I felt some chemistry I would not talk about that, but nothing so far.

 

I'm still not sleeping well and that is very disturbing to me since I have never had a problem sleeping. The mornings are getting easier, but still not easy.

 

This community has helped me in so many ways and I have tried to give back as well.

 

You are wonderful! I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to make me feel better. It worked.

 

Mitch

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WGMitch, you’re still grieving. It’s only a few months since she came back, only to leave again.

 

When my 2 1/2 year relationship ended suddenly several years ago, it took me one full year to feel normal.

 

You’ll get there.

 

Thank you LHGirl! I sure hope it doesn't take a year. I don't think I can take 8 more months of feeling like this. I love this...

 

"Don't tell someone to get over it. Help them get through it."

 

I have someone that told me exactly that. She has obviously never been in this situation. I hope she never is.

 

Mitch

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I'm still not sleeping well and that is very disturbing to me since I have never had a problem sleeping. The mornings are getting easier, but still not easy.

Frustrating it is...! The thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings really is a need to go to the toilet...lol

 

I wish I could spring out of bed like I used to, but I need to also just make sure I get enough rest to make it through the long work days...and healing needs rest.

This community has helped me in so many ways and I have tried to give back as well.

Absolute Godsend...!

 

I'm down to a number of friends I could count on one hand now who actually still check in on me....I guess most people just don't wanna deal with someone in crisis...

 

You're having a down day Mitch, and that's ok....Hopefully you'll start to pull up again soon*

 

Here With You

 

Carus*

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Frustrating it is...! The thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings really is a need to go to the toilet...lol

 

I wish I could spring out of bed like I used to, but I need to also just make sure I get enough rest to make it through the long work days...and healing needs rest.

 

Absolute Godsend...!

 

I'm down to a number of friends I could count on one hand now who actually still check in on me....I guess most people just don't wanna deal with someone in crisis...

 

You're having a down day Mitch, and that's ok....Hopefully you'll start to pull up again soon*

 

Here With You

 

Carus*

 

Carus,

 

Thank you for your replies. I keep coming back today to be with you folks going through the same feelings. The happy shiny faces at work make me sad.

 

I'm constantly trying to look toward the future without getting ahead of myself. I'm thinking about what I want, thanks to Lambert who gave me that advice a few weeks ago.

 

Tomorrow I will see many friends I have not seen in years due to a 50th birthday party. I know this help my state of mind.

 

I do hope that one day soon I will feel normal and this hurt will be behind me. I hope that I can forget enough to give my all again, but today that doesn't seem possible.

 

Mitch

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I sure hope it doesn't take a year. I don't think I can take 8 more months of feeling like this.

 

I wasn't trying to be cynical. I was letting you know that what you are feeling now is completely normal. Especially since it hasn't truly been since August, as you had that bounce-back mini-time together, which is like re-opening a wound that still hasn't healed yet.

 

What I will tell you about my own situation, and about grief in general: It's not linear. You'd think it would be like a line slowly going down on a graph, but it's more like this:

One day, you feel better, the next day, even better, and then a week goes by, and all of a sudden.....terrible.

 

In my situation: He broke up with me early Jan. 2012. I cried and cried, and then....I got back out there. Friends, family, threw myself into work, and yes, dating. And then....I'd have these moments, as the year went on. Nearing the end of 2012, I was doing great, and the holidays were coming, but I was going to be alone. I spent the week between Xmas and NYE feeling worse than I've ever felt in my life. I literally thought I'd never get through that week. But magically, once the calendar flipped over, it was like the grief just.....passed.

 

You'll find that: days will be awful, and then you'll have a night out with friends, where you'll laugh and have fun, and you'll realize you forgot to think about her! And then you'll have a Saturday night alone, and you'll be miserable. And so on....until the fun times outweigh the sadness.

 

What helped for me: People. Friends. Family. All the other stuff: the working out, job, hobbies, just fills time. Which is great, but it's the people that help you through. Spend time with people, but here's an important thing: don't talk about her! Maybe a couple of sentences, then pass the chips & salsa....or whatever you're doing with your friends.

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some good advice here mitch!

 

a couple of weeks ago, i thought i was doing so well and then bam! one day i couldn't get out of bed. i blew off work and everything. no one at work knows what I'm going thru. so don't put too much stock in those shiny happy people. because to my co workers i am one of them!

 

I'm a big fan of fake it until you make it! i try not to get drunk or even buzzed on alcohol as that is a depressant. i will mention that I'm still feeling low to my good friends but i try not to rehash....

 

this heart break has been so hard, as i had a lot of hope for the relationship. i actually said "i think we will be together... i can't see is ever breaking up" i was that happy and content.

 

but now i try to remind myself - i didn't know him. i only saw what he showed me. we are not exactly alike like we always said we were because i never would have hurt him.

 

but unfortunately he had a lot of hurt in his past that he had not addressed before meeting me. so in a way that is my motivation to get thru this. i will not lose a good man because of him. i am going through all of this for that mystery man i hope to meet.

 

its very difficult because heck, any change is hard. then take the person closest to you and lose them.

 

keep posting, venting, hanging with your peeps. don't let the negative thoughts win the hour....

 

i also try to take comfort in the sooner it ends (if it's gonna end, the better)

 

your story is not over! for some lucky woman it hasn't even started yet.

 

its also helpful to have things to look forward to.... like when i find him. i won't look back except to say thank you, weak-loser-ex bf, had you not broke my heart i would not be in this next phase.

 

love and hugs.... you will get thru this

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Im going to be a bit more brutal.

You need couseling. On the outside you are doing everything you should be doing, but you are limiting yourself. Even tho you are not ready to date, you have already limited yourself by saying "I dont want a relationship" So question would be, then why are you on dates?

You have mentioned that you never got your closure and I think in another post I asked you what your fears were. You did mention that your X was smart, beautiful and successful. Do you fear youll never meet someone like that again? You have done it before so what makes you think you cant do it again? Break ups suck, they hurt, the make us not want to get out of bed anymore and time moves so slow. Ive been there many times and sometimes its harder to get back up than others.

But you cant resign. You cant give up and to me it sounds like that is what you have done. Looking back at what you lost instead of what you can gain. You go out on dates!! Thats a positive but you are using it as a way to drive in the resignation more. No girl is going to be the exact same as your X. Each woman is different and you cant compare them to your X. Dont limit yourself.

Outward, you are doing all you can, now time to fix the parts that you cant fix at the gym.. Go see a counselor who can help you sort things out.

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Im going to be a bit more brutal.

You need couseling. On the outside you are doing everything you should be doing, but you are limiting yourself. Even tho you are not ready to date, you have already limited yourself by saying "I dont want a relationship" So question would be, then why are you on dates?

You have mentioned that you never got your closure and I think in another post I asked you what your fears were. You did mention that your X was smart, beautiful and successful. Do you fear youll never meet someone like that again? You have done it before so what makes you think you cant do it again? Break ups suck, they hurt, the make us not want to get out of bed anymore and time moves so slow. Ive been there many times and sometimes its harder to get back up than others.

But you cant resign. You cant give up and to me it sounds like that is what you have done. Looking back at what you lost instead of what you can gain. You go out on dates!! Thats a positive but you are using it as a way to drive in the resignation more. No girl is going to be the exact same as your X. Each woman is different and you cant compare them to your X. Dont limit yourself.

Outward, you are doing all you can, now time to fix the parts that you cant fix at the gym.. Go see a counselor who can help you sort things out.

 

Thank you for the straight forward replies.

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