Need advice!!

[Garlm17]

Hey everyone, so I’m a uni student and have just been put in a really tough position, and I need some advice as to what I should do from here. So at the moment, I have a massive crush on a girl from uni. We’ve been messaging online and stuff for about a month and see each other all the time at uni as well. I’ve been in a relationship before but I honestly haven’t met anybody like this girl before - she’s amazing, we have a great connection and we have a lot in common. However, last night she told me that she kinda has a thing for another guy...in England (I’m in Australia btw). She said that she kinda has a thing with this guy, and wants to travel to England at the end of the year to see if it’s worth it to be in a long distance relationship with him and stuff. Obviously hearing this really sucked for me, and it’s actually put me in a really complicated position now. Do I wait a year for her to meet this guy and see if she actually wants to continue with him or not? She’s such an amazing girl and I would literally do anything for her, so waiting a year for her is not a problem at all. However, can I wait a year and keep my hopes up only for her to decide that she wants to be with this guy? I feel like if that were to happen it would absolutely kill me. Or, do I give up on her now? Obviously that would mean that I have to stop liking her, which would definitely hurt as well. But it wouldn’t hurt as much as it would in the first option, and it would save me a lot of pain in the future. What should I do?! Kinda feel really sucky right now, as I’m a really nice guy and haven’t done anything wrong, yet I have to deal with really sucky situations like this. Please help me!!! :( :(

[Cope]

If you want any good chance with her and to be mentally healthy for the upcoming year, you are going to need to take the hard road. Forget about her. If, in 3-4 months after she has returned from England you find yourself still thinking about her, you could probably reach out to see if she's single or something, but for now, I think it'll just be torture to wait or to try to initiate anything.She's not single. Don't position yourself as a friend, you don't want that from her.

 

So, I think you already know what you need to do, it's not going to be easy, but it will hurt WAY less now AND give you chances if the LDR doesn't work out (they usually don't).

[Andrina]

If she had any romantic interest in you as potential dating material, she wouldn't be talking to you like she would to any of her buddies, telling you of her interest in another man. And I'm assuming she didn't give you any signals she was interested, since you've known her a month and you never asked her on a date.

 

You're right under her nose, and she's choosing a man a great distance away. Do you really want to play second fiddle to a woman who would take you as a consolation prize if her dream man didn't want her? I'd start putting emotional energy into a woman who wants to date you, since obviously it's a girlfriend you want.

[Cope]

Well if it took her a month to tell him, I'd say she's interested in him. To be honest on my first read I thought she was already in a relationship with this guy because I don't think anyone in their right mind would travel so far away for "a thing". I actually know someone who did and yes, she wasn't in her right mind in general in her life. Do you know any more details about this? Have they ever met face to face? Is this new or are they in a relationship?

 

If they aren't in a relationship, then Adrina is probably right and also, I'd run if on top of that they've never met before.

If they are in an LDR, and she called it "a thing" then that's both alarming and maybe good news too. She might be trying to not make it seem serious because she is into you. Then again, would you like her to be talking about you in a couple of years to another guy and being called "a thing"? Anyways, I'm over analysing, my first post still stands, this just caught my attention and it is a bit weird.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Garlm17,

 

From your description, I have to agree with Andrina; she doesn't see you as anything more than a friend, and a new one at that. That's probably partly on you if you haven't been clear with your interest.

 

Here is my advice, for what it's worth:

 

Be straight with her, "Look, i think your pretty amazing and would love to take you out and see what could be. But the heart wants what it wants. So do what you have to do, and maybe if it doesn't work out, look me up." And then walk away. Maybe she contacts you again, tries to perpetuate a friendship. Tell her straight 'I'm sorry, but I want more and if your not able to give me that, it's best we go our separate ways' Why? Because a nice guy wouldn't hang out in wings, being friendly and listening to her talk about another man, all the while hoping it won't work out. Be a nice guy, and genuinely wish the the best finding what she wants, because you genuinely like her and should want that for her. And you should want that for yourself, not the agony of unrequited love. It'll be hard, and suck and you'll maybe falter once or twice. However, ultimately you have to look at who you are and who you want to be. And you don't want to be that guy. And once you decide to be that stronger, more confident and complete guy, who knows? Maybe things change for her and you become her first choice. Maybe you meet someone else. Maybe you find another passion to fufill you for now. But back yourself mate. You are better than second choice.

 

Hope that helps, and good luck,

 

T

[Garlm17]

Thanks for the responses guys. I will clarify one thing actually. I did ask her out, a couple of weeks ago. She said yes original, but 3 days before it, she cancelled, saying that her last relationship went really fast and it didn’t end well, and she didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I thought that would make things a bit awkward between us, but actually, we’ve almost been talking more since then. I think that means that there’s some sort of feeling there?? It’s really confusing, I know, and it’s doing my head in.

[WaywardKiwi]

Thanks for the responses guys. I will clarify one thing actually. I did ask her out, a couple of weeks ago. She said yes original, but 3 days before it, she cancelled, saying that her last relationship went really fast and it didn’t end well, and she didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I thought that would make things a bit awkward between us, but actually, we’ve almost been talking more since then. I think that means that there’s some sort of feeling there?? It’s really confusing, I know, and it’s doing my head in.

 

I wish I could say that makes it more confusing... unfortunately, if anything, it makes it all the clearer. It's very possible there is some affection, even attraction there. However, it's not enough for her to take that risk, or even put you above this other guy. Her excuse, however genuine, still amounts to her choosing to keep you as a friend, rather than move forward with anything.

 

Honestly, I understand, in fact I have been down this very path quite recently (feel free to look up my own two threads which breifly speak to a similar situation). I know it's hard, but unfortunately my advice stands mate.

 

EDIT: If anything I would skip the confession of feelings in my advice, and go straight to the 'separate ways' part.

 

Good luck,

 

T

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately this means she's friendzoned you and wants a male-girlfriend to talk to about her bfs.

she cancelled, saying that her last relationship went really fast and it didn’t end well, and she didn’t want to make the same mistake again. we’ve almost been talking more since then.

[jamessox]

Thanks for the responses guys. I will clarify one thing actually. I did ask her out, a couple of weeks ago. She said yes original, but 3 days before it, she cancelled, saying that her last relationship went really fast and it didn’t end well, and she didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I thought that would make things a bit awkward between us, but actually, we’ve almost been talking more since then. I think that means that there’s some sort of feeling there?? It’s really confusing, I know, and it’s doing my head in.

 

Garlm 17,

 

To take a different approach from everyone else, it might be possible that she isn't viewing you as a potential partner because you are not presenting yourself as one. If you act towards her as just another friend, it's likely that she will continue to view you as just that: a friend. While I don't think you should immediately go out on a limb and express your feelings towards her this moment, I don't think you should wait a year to see what happens with her and this other guy. I think you have an opportunity with this girl (maybe significant, maybe insignificant, but still an opportunity) given how close she feels to you (enough to tell you whom she is interested in) and that you two see each other a lot.

 

My suggestion to you would be to take action, although maybe not in the way that you already imagined. Instead of both confessing and waiting, start acting towards her as someone that she may view as more than a friend. Do not take action doing things which might seem desperate, which will likely land you more in the friend-zone, but begin acting towards her as more than just another one of her buddies. Start small and do so gradually but most importantly, do so genuinely. Be yourself and be the guy to her that she would be interested in dating and not just being generic friends with. Do not wait for her to go to England and let the situation to become out of your control. Take matters into your own hands and go for what you want in life.

 

If after time this is not being successful, you may be coming on too strong, not strong enough, or she may not be interested at all; however, if you do this, you will at least know that you tried before you moved on. Don't move on without trying because then you will not allow yourself to move on without thinking that you don't know what could have been between the two of you.

 

I respectfully disagree with Wiseman2: I do not think that her canceling your date the last time implies that she has friend-zoned you. I think this especially is a good reason to start acting as more of a possible partner because she was already willing to go on the date with you a little - you just may need to give her a little more reason to. I would start taking these steps and then revisit the possibility of asking her out again in the future. After all, what are you going to do otherwise, keep this friendship up and remain suffering? I think this is your best shot.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck

[Andrina]

Her excuse makes absolutely no sense. She's trying to save your feelings. She's talking more to you now because she likes the fact you have a crush on her (big ego boost), but she's not interested in romance with you.

 

Your friendship with her will prevent you from bonding with a potential gf. And believe me, a new woman would know you have a crush on your "friend." We women are very intuitive.

 

Time to move on. You took a risk and it didn't pan out. Some other woman is your destiny, so time to stop wasting your emotional energy on a dead-end. When she gets a bf, she will put you on the back burner. It's best to not let that happen by making right decision for you and letting this friendship fade, and fast. Take care.