At 18...how long is too long?

[Raven44]

Ok, I have been dating my current bf for appx. 8 months; I dated my last bf for appx 9 months. Are these time periods too long for someone of my age? People have told me that I need to see other people...to not get so tied up in one relationship while I am so young...This is only my second serious boyfriend...so I really dont know what to do. At thins point I am going through a conflict within myself...I dont know if I am bored or I dont love him anymore....I think I love him....I just get too confused as time goes by....I dont know what to do and I know he thinks its ending....But I dont even know if it is!.....I need help and I dont really know where to turn....

 

Thanks in advance....

 

P.S: I dont want to end it for no good reason...I dont want to listen to some irrational part of my mind and finish something that is good...He is a fantastic guy but I just dont know how to deal with my own insecurities...thanks again..

 

Raven

[Mumblefood]

Hi Raven,

 

I know exactly where you are coming from with this, but there's one thing you really need to think about before you make a big mistake. Is this guy good to you? Do you share a lot in common? There is this misconception among a lot of teens that you shouldn't stick with the same person for that long, you should shop around... that's NOT a good idea.

 

There's no "right" length of time to be with someone, and at 18, i would say there is no need to think about ending a relationship simply because some friends told you that you should shop around. If he's a good guy, that is the WORST reason you could possibly have for ending it.

 

If you're not feeling as strong for him, you've gotta realize something. This is ABSOLUTELY natural... at around that length of time, the initial excitement of a relationship wears off, and people tend to think along the lines of "do i really love him/her?" It's normal. You could be making a mistake though if there are no glaringly negative aspects of your boyfriend to bring you to your answer, if you should decide the answer is no. The thing is, it's possible this boy loves you to death, and is scared to death that you are having these second guesses. It may sound cliche, but you may NEVER find someone who cares for you as much and treats you properly... everyone has flaws, and if you struggle to find one in this guy, that means to me he should be a keeper. The last part of your post leads me to believe that you might be looking for something wrong with him... a reason to end it... A quick question, is there someone else that's maybe interesting you right now? sometimes that can distract someone and make them lose sight of how they really feel about their current girlfriend/boyfriend... I was engaged once and the reason it ended was that i couldn't be with her (distance) for a while, and she began to feel things for an old crush. She never did tell me about it, buti found out from her brother 3 months after she told me she needed to "think about things" that she had been dating him nearly that whole time. It was possibly the most devastating thing of my life, and it was horrible for her too, because she didn't really have a good reason to do that... but enough of me... hehe... I guess what i am saying is if that's even remotely part of it, be sure you know for sure it's not just a dumb crush on someone else.

 

Anyway, my gut tells me what you are feeling is just the 9 month jitters. If he hasn't done anything horrible yet, he likely won't, and it is just the fading of that initial "high" of a new boyfriend/girlfriend wearing off. Chances are if you stick it out, these new, long term kinds of feelings develop, and will mean so much more. I'm not saying to marry the guy or anything, so don't worry, i just mean that you should stick this one out longer and see what comes of it. I don't believe anyone can really know for sure about how they feel for their significant other in 9 months... i'm currently in a 2 year relationship and am just now figuring out all the nooks and crannys of what is going on... I had some doubts too at one point, but now i know for sure those were unfounded... She's the one for me.

 

Hope all works out for you Raven, good luck!

[Raven44]

A quick question, is there someone else that's maybe interesting you right now? sometimes that can distract someone and make them lose sight of how they really feel about their current girlfriend/boyfriend...

 

Well, I am afraid you hit the nose on that statement. I just recently re-met (sp?) an old crush; who now is trying to pursue some type of relationship because he lives in the area . His involvement did escelate the situation..but I was already having these tratorious (sp??) thoughts and feelings.

 

The main thing about my bf is the fact that he is rather insecure about our relationship sometimes. He has only just been able to conquer a bit of a trust issue with me and still has some issues with jealousy...These do grate on me but he is working on solving them...But at times I could just yell "STOP!"..

 

I would never straight out listen to the people telling me to fish the pond...but sometimes they make sense...and I am still so confused...

[bouty]

HI,

 

I started dating a bloke when i was 15 I am now 25 and have since married him and had 2 kids with him. There is no law saying you should only have a bf for so many months before you should finish it and move on. If you are happy and possibly in love don't give it up because of what people say otherwise you will always wonder what if....

[Mumblefood]

A quick question, is there someone else that's maybe interesting you right now? sometimes that can distract someone and make them lose sight of how they really feel about their current girlfriend/boyfriend...

 

Well, I am afraid you hit the nose on that statement. I just recently re-met (sp?) an old crush; who now is trying to pursue some type of relationship because he lives in the area and we have common friends. His involvement did escelate the situation..but I was already having these tratorious (sp??) thoughts and feelings.

 

The main thing about my bf is the fact that he is rather insecure about our relationship sometimes. He has only just been able to conquer a bit of a trust issue with me and still has some issues with jealousy...These do grate on me but he is working on solving them...But at times I could just yell "STOP!"..

 

I would never straight out listen to the people telling me to fish the pond...but sometimes they make sense...and I am still so confused...

 

ahh yes... i figured that had to be an issue somewhere in it. I've seen it too many times, play out exactly this way.

 

About your boyfriend being insecure... perhaps he's had something happen to him in the past? i hate to keep using myself as an example, but after what happened to me i was absolutely terrified of what might happen when i got a new girlfriend. It did annoy her at first how i was questioning her a bit about the people she was hanging out with. The reason it was so hard though is in the past relationship, i HAD questioned my fiance about this guy... and she got SO upset at me for having trust issues... but it wasn't more than 3 weeks later she took things way too far with him. I was SO RIGHT, and it hurt me bad that she tried to blame me, saying it was my problem. Anyway, i had to explain this to my current girlfriend and she saw the hurt in my eyes from it, and she understood why i was being like that. I'm willing to bet your boyfriend is just doing the same... and if you don't mind me saying, it seems he has some justification for how he feels... i mean, you ARE feeling some interest in this old crush, right?

 

From the perspective of your boyfriend, i can very closely relate and see why he would feel this way. Let me ask you this: what initially attracted you to your boyfriend?

[Raven44]

If you are happy and possibly in love don't give it up because of what people say otherwise you will always wonder what if....

 

very true

[Raven44]

 

About your boyfriend being insecure... perhaps he's had something happen to him in the past? I'm willing to bet your boyfriend is just doing the same... and if you don't mind me saying, it seems he has some justification for how he feels... i mean, you ARE feeling some interest in this old crush, right?

 

From the perspective of your boyfriend, i can very closely relate and see why he would feel this way. Let me ask you this: what initially attracted you to your boyfriend?

 

Yes, he has had a few short relationships that went sour quite quickly for just that reason and so I do understand that insecurity...I never stated I didnt...just that it was something that grated on my nerves. As to the crush, I dont know...I have always been very conscious as to when a guy paid any type of attention to me because it has only been in the past year that I have had any type of attention from the opposite sex, so I guess I am crushing as well; I dont really know yet because I dont know him well enough. (Also I could never get to know him any better without going behind my bf's back...he doesnt want me talking to other guys. Plus, I would not go behind his back, no one could make me do that)..

 

What first attracted me to my bf ...well he was different...we met by chance last year and it was a very quick transition from my ex to him...(too long to get into) He liked me and I liked him...Ive never really looked at it....why?

[Mumblefood]

ahh... well you're in a tough spot, no real easy answer i think. If i were you i'd certainly talk to him about everything on your mind though. It might be hard, but having no secrets is the only way to sort things out and begin working through them... trust me on this, if there's something not being told, it makes the situation very much so worse. I don't fully understand your situation, and i'm sorry if i come off offensive, but it seems to me that perhaps your boyfriend is worried about you talking to other boys for fear of you taking interest, and in this particular case, i'd have to side with him. This may not be the case always, but at this crucial time, i would be very worried too if i was in his shoes.

 

I asked why you began dating him just so i could get an idea of if it was something with potential, that's all. Sometimes people start dating only because "he (or she) was hot", and that often leads to a pretty rocky road, but in your case it clearly wasn't/

 

Anyway i am off to bed, hope i've maybe been a bit helpful. your situation touched home base a bit with me so i felt compelled to reply. I hope everything works out well for you and your boyfriend!

[DN]

Maybe he is insecure because you are giving off the vibes that you are not really into the relationship - and never were. If you think there is a time limit to a relationship at your age, and also have feelings for another guy - he is probably right.

[janeeka]

I'm also an 18 year old girl, have been in a relationship for a year and was in a relationship for nearly 2 years prior to that. So I have never done the whole ''shop around'' thing. There can be pressure to do this - it seems it's cool to date different guys, even sleep around. But I tell you what is really cool... it's having a wonderful boyfriend. I feel so lucky and happy to be with mine. You need to do what makes YOU happy.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that with relationships as well in life is important to keep learning. There are some people that start long lasting relationships at a young age and there are those who wait. While I cannot say what is best for you but I believe it is important for you to grow as a person independently of someone else. It is all too common that people never mature as a person and instead mature into a relationship. If you never establish your individual identity then you will always have complications in your life and relationships. I believe it is important to see what else is out there, now people take that to mean different things. What is important is that you learn from your situations and as long as you keep learning you will have more successfull relationships.