Arrg social anxiety again :(

[dundermiflin]

So I had a second date last night; I was really excited about it and looking forward to it all week. When I met up with him I was nervous (he's really hot!) and there were some quiet spots in the date but overall I thought I was doing good with making conversation. I tried to ask him questions, bring up stuff we talked about before, laugh at jokes; I brought him to a restaurant I like and told him all about the owners and its history and he seemed to like the place. I met up with him at 7 and he drove me back to where my car was at 9. At that point I wasn't sure what to do and I was fumbling with what to say, but he just sat where he was and asked me if the door was working ok. I thought that was a bad sign so I opened up the door and got out; I'm still not sure how I could've taken that differently.

 

I went home bummed, thinking I'd never hear from him again. Then at about 11 I get some pissy-sounding texts from him about how I didn't seem interested in him at all and how both times we met I seemed to just want the date over with. He said I jumped out of the car really fast. He said he was really trying to give me a chance but I never seem relaxed around him and that he's "not THAT bad of a guy". Then he said he hated to think what would happen if he tried to go in for a kiss.

 

I texted back that I have trouble with nervousness in general, that I do like him, that I would've kissed him back if that came up, etc. I explained that I got out of the car because he asked me if the door was ok. I said if I wasn't nervous, that would mean I'm not interested, and that while it takes time, I do eventually relax. I don't know what else to say. He didn't write back.

 

I'm going to counseling on a weekly basis now. I even opened up to him on the first date about how growing up wasn't a great situation with how my dad was (I didn't go into scary detail LOL but I usually don't like to talk about it, but I thought I'd try being more open and trusting earlier, and he had told me about his parents' divorce).

 

I guess I will ask about anxiety meds. I just didn't like the side-effects and I'm not convinced they are improved these days- I tried several back then that "weren't supposed to affect me sexually". Not so!! They do!! If guys don't like my nervousness, imagine how much they like it when I can't get off during sex. I'm almost 39, and this just keeps coming up for me lately; my best friend cheerfully tells me about what other people think of me and how he always "comes to my defense". Which is nice but really hurts as I'm trying like hell to be sociable and act normal. I guess it isn't working. I don't know if I'm ever going to get fully better, or if I'll be able to make a connection with anybody. I'm so frustrated :(

[Hollyj]

That was a terrible text for him to send. I would have reacted the same way, if someone had made the door comment. Was he contributing to the convo? Write this guy off. He's an azz.

 

Try another anxiety med.

 

In the future, do not bring up personal problems until you know someone for a long while. You should be having convos that are light and fun, not serious issues regarding your family, or an ex. This would be a red flag and turn off. A date should not be a therapy session.

[Hollyj]

Is this the ant-social guy?

[SweetGirl28]

Sorry, but quite honestly, he sounds like an arrogant POS, and good riddens to him.

Don't be so hard on yourself. All you can do is try, and be you. If that's not good enough, f**** him (not literally, he's not worth it lol)

[dundermiflin]

No, it's not the anti-social guy; that guy barely talks to me anymore. I never did tell him of my feelings. He disappeared on me after what I thought was a fun day together so I guess that's my answer to that one. The one from last night I met on Match. I'm glad you would've done the same thing with the door. That one I don't get.

[dundermiflin]

Yeah I know, about the personal stuff. I think most of our first-date convo was light and fun. I didn't say much about it; he was telling me about his parents. I said sometimes I do think it's better for the kids for there to be a divorce (people always think to stay together for the kids, but not if it's unhealthy, they shouldn't). He seemed to have positive things to say about the first date.

 

Yeah, cripes, I am going to try every darn thing on the market at this point. SA doesn't keep me from doing anything, and I'm proud of being healthy and of where I'm at, and mostly happy, I just apparently can't convince anyone else of that, ha.