Do you think she is done or still hanging on?

[Phillyfreak93]

My girlfriend broke up a 3 year relationship with me 2 days ago and frankly I saw it coming. It's hard to explain, but you can just tell from the look in a person's eyes that says the passion is gone. Within the first 2 years of our relationship, we were all over eachother and once we hit our 2.5 year mark, she started living independently bc she was comfortable and trusted me enough to do so. She said she neglected her friends and wanted to catch up with them now that she had the opportunity. We had opposite schedules that prevented us from spending time together, but it was as though she wasn't even trying to make time for me. Her best friend was her priority, and to give you a little backstory to avoid the cheating assumptions... She lived with her best friend for 15 years and never dated or did anything.

 

They're like sisters. Her best friend brought her in after her dad died and mom abandoned her. Her best friend is also dating someone and is asexual.... I worked from 7-3 and she worked 3-10. By the time she came home, we spent at most, 2 hours together a day but that quickly decreased as she spent more and more of her time talking and hanging out with her best friend. She said that this is what she did before we dated, that it's her normal lifestyle. She'd play video games until the crack of dawn and wouldn't crawl into bed with me until about 2 hours before my alarm went off for work and our sex life went out the door. I started panicking and that's when the paranoia/anxiety/depression rolled in with full force. We fought tooth and nail night after night about the same thing for months. I don't want to delve into the details but basically, the fighting got so bad that she broke up with me because I did some messed up things that caused her to lose trust in me.

 

I will say it has nothing to do with cheating or abuse. She said I was very destructive, manipulative, and spiteful and it drew her away. She said that she lost her feelings, her trust, and only cares about me now as a friend. She said we have to start over as friends to rebuild trust in order to reform a relationship but my gut tells me that's not going to happen. She said that I need to get myself together mentally bc I wasn't myself anymore and that I need to stop depending on her for happiness. She said I don't have my own life because of it and that my insecurities/self esteem/and self confidence issues projected on to her. The sucky part is that we still live together until our lease is up in 6 months but I have a feeling she'll be mostly sleeping at her best friend's since she's always welcome there. I haven't seen her and probably won't for another week bc my brother is in town for a week. He's visiting from PA and we have a one bedroom apartment. I'm so torn. I'm sad but also relieved. I've barely cried and I'm not sure what that means. I don't know if she is officially done or is insinuating that she'll come back around when I get myself together but she said she believes I will though. Maybe we aren't compatible. Obviously her natural lifestyle was not meeting my needs from a relationship standpoint. I just want feedback on this.

[Stacks44]

Philly your situation sounds very similar to mine. I had a 3 year relationship, anxiety and neediness on my part kicked in right around the 2.5 year mark, then she started cheating on me in late August '17, discovered it in November '17, went no contact for 17 days, saw her at the gym and tried to reconcile, she refused, I started no contact again and I'm at day 87 currently. We did live together for over 2 years.

 

Nothing to do with her best friend is relevant, so we can skip past that.

 

What you'll come to realize in time, just as we all have, is that the relationship was not as perfect as you make it out to be. Now that it has ended, you're idealizing it a lot. I'm sure if you recall your thoughts from two weeks before the breakup you'll find you weren't that happy, both with yourself and with her, but now that she's gone your brain is doing everything it can to force you to get her back. Advice point one is to grieve. Allow yourself to feel those 5 stages of grief, allow yourself to cry, and reflect on every aspect of the relationship. There are studies that show if you force yourself to focus on the negatives of the relationship, healing happens quicker. Don't try to NOT think about her. There's actually something called "White Bear Syndrome" where if you actively try to not think about something, it's all you can think about.

 

Next, see how you changed as an individual from the day before you met her, and compare that with yourself the day before you broke up. How have your general moods changed? Your personality? Your overall physical AND mental health? Where are your self-esteem and confidence levels now VS then? Is there any merit to her claims of spitefulness, manipulation or destructive behavior? (my ex made the same claim of destructive behavior, and I came to agree with her during self reflection.) I can 100% guarantee you that you've changed for the worse in multiple ways. You need to find your weak points, make a plan to fix them, and spend your time deliberately and aggressively fixing them. Personally I began seeing a therapist, stopped playing video games (a major source of my bad behavior.....I'm a sore loser), reconnected with old friends I neglected in the relationship (as we all do) and addressed my constant pessimism by forcing myself to only say and react to things in a positive manner....faking it until I started making it. The truth of the matter is this; you have a lot of work to do on yourself, and you don't have time for a relationship right now. Which conveniently brings up to the next point...

 

No contact. You do not speak with her, text her, look at her social media, don't reach out to her friends or family, don't go places you know she's going to be to force an encounter etc. You cannot heal, and you cannot better yourself with her there. It might be harsh to say, but she's actually "toxic" to you right now. If there is any hope of re-attracting her and getting the best version of you back, it must be done separately. Just as you're going to notice bad things about yourself, you and she will both notice the negative changes that came about her over time. She has to put the work in herself. Ignore anyone that says no contact takes 30 days. There is no correct time limit, but you'll easily come to find 30 days is nowhere near enough time. (As I said, I'm on day 87, and sitting tight) The only way you two (or you and another woman) can have a successful fulfilling relationship is if you're both whole coming in to it, and you both possess the ability to enhance each other's life. As time passes, and you feel you're ready, and you still want to reach out to her, then it's ok. (The best way to know you're ready is if she tells you she's with someone else, you can hear her say it and be happy for her, not crushed.)

 

As my hero on this board Zorba said about reconciliation: "Remember, it's a journey, not a destination" He also said "Long before they broke up with us, we broke up with ourself"

 

I hope my feedback is acceptable. Also, I'm getting a vibe you're a fellow New Jerseyan, and we need to stick together :)

[DanZee]

We fought tooth and nail night after night about the same thing for months. I don't want to delve into the details but basically, the fighting got so bad that she broke up with me because I did some messed up things that caused her to lose trust in me.

 

Yeah, I've found that most guys writing in won't talk about what they're arguing about. But what you're arguing about with your girlfriend is why you broke up and the answer you're looking for is in the fights. In addition, fights are about anger, control and manipulation. One side is trying to force the other side to do something they don't want to do. And arguments mostly involve emotional abuse. So this seems to back up her charge that you were "very destructive, manipulative, and spiteful" and that's why the relationship broke up. And it's something you need to work on and control if you want to get into any future relationships. This one is over.

[Wiseman2]

Why don't one of you move and the other get a roommate? 6 more mos of this will be torture. If she is staying at the friends why should she still be paying 1/2 the rent?

The sucky part is that we still live together until our lease is up in 6 months but I have a feeling she'll be mostly sleeping at her best friend's since she's always welcome there.

[Phillyfreak93]

I greatly appreciate your response. You gave me great insight and some tools to carry with me on my "journey" as you called it. I've already taken some steps to improve my mental health such as getting a gym membership, joining a sports league, cleaning, and hanging with friends more, but the key is consistency. I can do those things all I want but they have to last. My mental health took a turn for the worst and also took the best of me with it. This relationship is dead to me, not emotionally, but mentally and that's how I have to think of it. It's so hard still living together though bc there's still this comfort in knowing that at the end of the day, she's still here and will come home at some point. We even still sleep in the same bed since we only have one bedroom. It's somewhat torture but also comforting, however, laying in bed knowing she had 0 feelings for me is nothing short of heart breaking.

[Phillyfreak93]

Wiseman2: We're both financially dependent of each other. We can't afford to live on our own and she has said before that she can't move back into her best friends but idk how true that is. I'm sure I could find SOMETHING affordable but it will be nothing close to what I have now which is somewhat decent, my other option is to move in with a friend who has already offered me a place as a last resort. We still sleep in the same bed, that's what's the worst part of this is.

[RayRay63]

Philly, read your OP twice to make sure my first reaction was the correct one. If there is a correct one.

 

I have the feeling this lady simply does not want to give you emotional support. The honeymoon period finished and she checked out of the relationship. Other posters have asked you about what you fought about, I think it was a symptom, not a cause. It doesn't matter whose fault it was, its over.

 

You are not really living together anymore, so if she feels its honorable to keep paying the rent, let her. For all I know her name is on the paperwork as well as yours. After 3 years you are going to need some months to get over it, so it seems unlikely you will be bringing a new girl home soon*.

 

[* if in a few months you feel like dating, take it slow, and only go to their place if the ex is still paying rent. I actually think you need to move somewhere else when the lease expires, too much baggage where you are. And oh yeah, when she's there, you take the sofa.]

[Wiseman2]

Won't both of you have to move anyway? Why not prepare now? First off one of you should start sleeping on the couch. Secondly you both have to face the fact that it's over and start saving and looking for new places. Whether that is a place you can afford alone or with roommates. Don't expect her to move to her friends AND continue to pay 1/2 your living expenses. Not sure why you are dealing with this limbo.

We're both financially dependent of each other. We can't afford to live on our own and she has said before that she can't move back into her best friends. my other option is to move in with a friend who has already offered me a place as a last resort. We still sleep in the same bed, that's what's the worst part of this is.

[RayRay63]

Hey Wiseman, I said take the sofa to break the emotional umbilical. Your reasons are equally valid.

 

Philly - put your pillow on it, when she's there, to make the point. This is now my territory. You don't invade my bed space. You don't need to pee on the surrounding floor space. Although, seeing as how she peed on your relationship, you should do it metaphorically.

[sputnik123]

Hi Philly,

 

Wiseman and Ray have this covered.. :)

 

"3 years" does seem to be a recurring theme here.. I myself have had 3 relationships end at almost bang on 3 years!

 

Stay strong and keep your thoughts here.

 

Many people in similar situations.

[Phillyfreak93]

Moving is the tricky part of the equation. I live in Virginia Beach where the cost of living is high and I can't afford a place on my own. I've thought through a multitude of options and whichever I choose will completely change my life from that point forward. I'll be on an entirely new path. I'm not as upset as when I originally wrote this, but I have this tendency to think negatively on a constant basis and bc of that, I keep thinking that I wasted my time... 3 years. I built relationships with her friends. family, and of course, her which now mean nothing bc it's not like we're ever going to talk or see eachother again. My brother leaves to head back to PA tomorrow and it's going to be a challenge once he's gone bc I haven't really spent much time alone since she broke up with me. My brother came a few days after the break up and it was extremely convenient bc he occupied me and took my mind off things. My ex and I will basically be filling space and going about our business once my brother leaves. It's depressing.

[RayRay63]

I'll be on an entirely new path.

 

I'm not seeing a problem with that, actually.

 

I don't mean to sound abrupt, but that kind of equates with moving on. Easy to say, I know.

[Phillyfreak93]

It's been two weeks and she hasn't come back to the apartment, yet all her stuff is still here. She'll quickly drop by here and there to grab what she needs and then heads out again to sleep at a friend's so I'm wondering how long I'll have until she eventually comes back. It's been nice not having her in the apartment bc it makes things easier, but we're both on the lease until september and I think she'll have to come back at some point. What do ya'll think?