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Keep Calm, Threatening Ex

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Divorced over 2 years from a 15+ yr marriage. Teenage kids. If it was possible I would find peace in no contact. However, I must because of kids and property owned together.

Recently, he is scaring me in a new way. He showed up unannounced twice and I restated a boundary with him that he has to have my approval before coming to my house. I said I needed my privacy and he understood that I was alluding to the possibility of a boyfriend being over (when the kids are with him).

Since I gave this boundary, he is acting emotional in front of the kids, telling them that he still loves me and talks to them about our past etc. —He has been doing that since the divorce.


It seems he is always looking for something to threaten me with legally regarding the kids. Where in fact, we have had to have 2 go arounds with child protective because of him.

I don’t want to identify too many details, but basically he is harassing me, and I think he wants to get a reaction out of me. I have to repeatedly give him boundaries which he eventually ignores and I have to restate. I think the latest rules have sent him on a tilt and he is acting crazier than usual.

I can’t fully explain what my concern is. Basically I am afraid of him, psychologically, legally, physically.

Side notes to mention regarding pre-divorce.

He’s a functional alcoholic. Narcissist: manipulator, liar, grandiose self image, accepts no blame.

He has had psychological breaks in the past where he felt homicidal to me, kids, others, and suicidal.

When we were completing our extremely nasty divorce, he told me that we would be laughing about this and remarried in a few years.


He does and says things always under the guise of “just trying to help” while what he does often creates chaos. If I have to engage him, he will use wording to threaten legal action.


I don’t have a therapist right now. What I’m looking for is suggestions for keeping calm and not worrying about the next thing he’s going to say do or text.

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You should be consulting a lawyer.


Why wasn't the property addressed through the divorce? I also suggest that communication should only be done electronically. You have a record, and does not allow him to escalate.


If it gets bad enough, get a restraining order.

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I think you can go back to court and get some restrictions placed on your ex, such as he's not to show up other than on set times to pick the children up. You can also get a restraining order as Hollyj said to keep him on the sidewalk and not to trespass on your property. I'm guessing you'll split the property when the kids are grown but he has no control over that now. Also document everything he does. Maybe he take video of any meetings or encounters so you have proof of his behavior.

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The video I did use once and it stopped him.

The house is my residence for the next few months and then will be sold. I had to fight in court to delay the sale, but he on repeat touts that he gave it to me. In court, his fight was to have me & kids move immediately.

He wants to be accepted as a normal person and to have vengeance upon me for rejecting him.

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His actual threats he makes known are legal in nature. “Every word will be used against you, is a fact, not my imagination. He has never done anything physical other than punch tables, scream, tell me to leave so that he doesn’t hit me, or leave because he feels violent. Most people are intimidated by him, so he puts on a boyish front when it serves him. He collects personal vendettas in a book for decades. Studies how to hurt people mentally, emotionally. The amount of time it takes to get his revenge means nothing to him.

He thought he found a path to make me comfortable with him (long story) I noticed and gave him boundaries that showed him I don’t want that. He reacted and showed his upset to the kids. He did something else he shouldn’t have done as related to kid-care, I called him on it. Suddenly he was questioning my parenting, informing me that our discussion is on the record and he made assumptive comments in trying to prove that I am defaming him to the kids. Not true. This is something he would enjoy bringing to court.

So. These are not things I can get a restraining order for.

But when he is willing to show that he is threatened, he goes back to the argument style of predivorce with non-sensical, irate, circular, petty, crap, with a little bit of truth thrown in. And always with a legal threat. It’s such insanity it makes me on edge and scared.

So, for now, I’m looking for some type of method to block out the fear of him emotions and just deal with him rationally. I’ve learned to not jump to answer his texts or calls. (I used to be in trouble if I didn’t stop everything and act thrilled that he called me for the 10th time).


I believe that he wont physically threaten me cause he knows i wouldn’t hesitate to call 911 & neither would out kids hesitate.

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