Rebound relationship? Hopeless?

[lbax0]

My ex and I have been together for 15 months. We recently broke up on Jan 10 when I broke up with him because I was angry at him. At that time, he he wanted to work through our problems, but I didn't want to at the time. We have had arguments before where I block him for a short amount of time ~15 minutes, and he messages me on another platform to get me back. I know it wasn't healthy, but I thought that this argument would have made him realize he needed to treat me better. I wanted him to apologize for making me feel like he didn't care (I am a college student, and he recently dropped out of school. He moved to my college to be with me, and to begin schooling again. I tried supporting him/influence him to pursue higher education. However, he didn't like it down there and quit. I didn't understand why he would want to move back home when everyday since we've met, we were basically together whenever we could be.) Anyway, I broke up with him, and he was still trying to get back with me, but I went on a date instead to try to get over him because the school semester was going to start soon and I wanted to find someone to help me move on. This date was on the same day that he wanted to go on our own date. He got mad that I went on a date and said that I wasn't loyal even though we broke up.

 

A few days after that, I went back to school and he sent me texts about how he missed me and a voicemail telling me that he loves me and doesn't feel like we are broken up (later says he did that because he was lonely and said that he wanted out of the relationship 6 months before we actually broke up because of some issues we had starting ~8 months into it. I started yelling and screaming at him for small things, and I know this is my problem that I need to fix. The yelling and screaming got worse throughout the next few months, mainly because I felt as though he did not care about me as much anymore, although he claims that he hadn't changed how he treats me. I haven't screamed at him since November but he's been saying he didn't see a future with me around that time) I don't believe it because when I broke up with him, he said "this is why I didn't get you anything for our anniversary or christmas because I knew you'd do this") I ignored his texts and voicemail. After that, he had become more upset and gave me the cold shoulder because I went on the date. He still continued to talk to me though. A couple of weeks later, he came down to my school because he needed to pick up some things from his place. He wanted to see me, and I wanted to see him, but I was with my friends and I asked him to wait for me but he didn't. He left, and I got upset. I tried calling him to talk to him but he said he was busy at the gym because "gains are loyal".

 

I know he was hurt and I had my chance to get back with him, but I was also hurt and I blocked him. This time, he didn't try to resolve anything with me. After 2 days, I unblocked him and told him I missed him, he told me he didn't want me anymore. He said he's happier without me, and that I made him feel trapped. He said he only can remember the bad things and doesn't think that I love him. A week later, he tells me that he's seeing a new girl. "I have a new bae now, keep me added on snapchat and you'll see her someday" he said. He jokes around a lot, so I thought he was talking about something else, but a few days later, I see on his snapchat story a picture of the girl. Turns out he started talking to her around the time that he came down to my school to pick up his stuff. He told me that he already told her that he loves her, and knows its real love because she "supports him" in things that I didn't. He wanted to buy a new car, and I didn't support him because he had no savings and I wanted him to save for our future. I supported him to go back to school, and he told me he regrets it. I didn't think the things he wanted were something I should support.

 

He's posted pictures on snapchat and instagram with/of her, when it took him a few months to do that with me. It took him a few months to tell him that he loves me as well. Everything here screams that it is a rebound. I don't know what to do. He joked about getting back together by saying "one more shot wouldn't hurt right?" and followed by saying "tbh when people break up for real, its over. When two people break up and get back together, it doesn't feel the same anymore and feels forced, I'll never do it again." He even told me that he isn't filling a void I left with her, that he's perfectly fine without me or anyone, but how would he know that if he basically jumped into this relationship with the new girl?

 

I think this is a rebound, we stopped talking on Jan 23 when I blocked him. I saw his first snap story of her on Feb 9 a few hours after my friend posted a picture of me looking good, about to go out. I dropped off his stuff on Feb 18 and he makes their relationship Facebook official on the 19th. Everything here screams rebound. I know that rebound relationships sometimes work out, and even if they don't, the person won't always come back to the original ex. I still have hope that he will come back. I don't feel like this is over in my heart and soul. Would you say this is a rebound? I know dumpees usually go on the rebound, but I am not sure if I am the dumper or dumpee here.

 

I asked him to meet up for closure because everything happened over text, but he doesn't want to meet up until spring break. Not sure why.

 

What should I do to get him back? No contact? I was going to meet up with him during break and tell him that I'm happy that he's happy, but I told him that before and he said he didn't believe it because if I cared then I would've changed (stopped yelling) a while ago. I think that I hurt him, and that he is confused. When I broke up with him, he said he should've waited to date me because he wanted to get his stuff together before dating me (shows me he's in it for the long run), but when I talked to him a couple of weeks ago about it, he denied it and said he saw no future with me in the last few months. I think that time he came here to pick up his things was the last chance I had. After I blocked him, he gave up. I asked him about it but he said that wasn't it, that the yelling caused it. But the last few months of our relationship had little to no yelling in them.

[boltnrun]

He wanted to get back together multiple times but you kept telling him no. Now that he's moved on with someone else you suddenly want to get back together? Sounds like a case of only wanting him because someone else has him.

 

And side note, "yelling" at someone you claim to love is never OK, no matter what excuse you might use to justify it.

 

Now you know...the time to treat someone well is when you're with them, not after they've had enough and moved on. Oh, and breaking up with someone and blocking them to teach them a lesson or punish them for something is not an effective relationship communication technique. Hopefully you've learned valuable lessons for your next relationship.

[rosephase]

Yelling and screaming at someone doesn't disappear in a few months. And even if you stopped for a few months before you broke up with him YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM.

 

Breaking up with someone as a form of punishment, blocking someone as a form of punishment, yelling and screaming... breaking up and getting back together... Dating the moment you broke up with him... That is a stereotype list of actions that say you aren't ready for a relationship. And all of that in 15 months. If he got back together with you that would be a huge mistake on his part. Work on dealing with your anger better. Figure out how to stop punishing people in your life... healthy relationships don't involve punishment.

 

If you start working on your issues you might be in a better place in your next relationship. Right now? You don't have the emotional skills for a long term committed type relationship.

[RayRay63]

I broke up with him because I was angry at him....At that time, he he wanted to work through our problems, but I didn't want to at the time.... I am not sure if I am the dumper or dumpee here.

 

You dumped him by the look of that. If he already wanted out he would have just walked then.

 

I asked him to meet up for closure because everything happened over text, but he doesn't want to meet up until spring break. Not sure why.

 

1) new girl is going away then? 2) more likely he's hoping you move on and he never has to have the conversation at all.

 

I think that I hurt him, and that he is confused.

 

Yes you did, but he isn't confused. He decided to move on, he hit the gym, he got a new girl. Probably is a rebound - it happened fast, he flaunted it to you, etc. That doesn't really matter.

 

After I blocked him, he gave up. I asked him about it but he said that wasn't it... the yelling

 

So you blocked him, unsurprisingly you received no communications from him, and then you contacted him? By the way, yelling = drama. Men don't like drama.

 

Hopefully the above gives you some insight into how the male mind is processing your actions.

 

There are plenty of intelligent ladies posting here, so I'm going to S**U now and let them talk to you.

[lbax0]

I want to change and make him happy. I know my actions were wrong, I just hope to have another chance to show him I can change. Does my situation sound hopeless to you?

 

I love him so much, and I know I should’ve figured this out sooner. Not everything was bad, I did treat him right. He wanted to save money and I’d always try to help him by cooking for us and doing his laundry.

 

Also, I didn’t think the grass was greener. I wanted him before I even found out about the new girl.

 

If he wanted out a while ago, I don’t understand why he would say “I knew you’d do this, this is why I didn’t get you anything for our anniversary or Christmas”. So that’s why I think he’s hurt and may come back, at least I hope...

[lbax0]

Why would he joke about getting back together? Was it to be mean? I’d like to think the thought of getting back together crossed his mind at some point

[boltnrun]

Why would he joke about getting back together? Was it to be mean? I’d like to think the thought of getting back together crossed his mind at some point

 

The thought of getting back together crossed his mind at MANY points. You kept saying no.

 

Now that he's with someone else you want to "change" and be good to him. But you had many chances to do that and chose not to.

 

I'll say that when I ask for something more than once and the person keeps saying "no", I will stop asking. And I won't want it anymore.

[rosephase]

Your situation isn't hopeless. You can grow and become someone who can handle a relationship. But for your own sake you should forget about this guy. Let him go, heal and work on your anger issues. Figure out how to treat the people around you with respect. Figure out why you punish when you are upset. Work on yourself and there is no reason why you can't have a great loving relationship in the future. Just not with this guy.

[RayRay63]

No situation is absolutely hopeless, but he doesn't want what you want right now.

 

he wanted out of the relationship 6 months before we actually broke up because of some issues we had starting ~8 months into it. I started yelling and screaming at him for small things

 

This may sound a bit brutal, but when we males are in the honeymoon period with a lady we put up with stuff that we don't like. Probably because we don't even see it.

 

When the honeymoon ends (looks like that happened at ~ 8 months) we reassess the whole thing.

 

And, we do indulge in ex post facto rationalisations of why we've made the right decision. Particularly when we've been axed and our ego is bruised. He may have just been doing that.

 

None of which means you shouldn't listen to Boltnrun's and Roesphase's advice.

[lbax0]

I have always been good to him, I just would yell when I’d get mad at him. I always had to keep telling him the same things over and over again and he would never listen.

[RayRay63]

What did you tell him over and over?

 

What did he do about them - apart from not listening?

 

I infer from the OP that you are both about 20 or so?

[lbax0]

What did you tell him over and over?

 

What did he do about them - apart from not listening?

 

I infer from the OP that you are both about 20 or so?

 

We would argue about really small things, and he would never really do anything about these things. I think our main problem was communication, we would always just brush problems under the rug and never really get to them. I've thought about this from many points of view and I came to the conclusion that I know we can work through this if we both work at it because no relationship is perfect. The chemistry between us was amazing, and we got along in almost every way. I know, if it was this perfect we wouldn't have broken up. If I didn't break up with him, we would still be together and happy. I regret it, and feel guilty about it. I think it's important that I realized this. The only problem is, he doesn't seem to want to right now. I told him how I did stuff for him to show that I appreciate him, yet he tried to discredit me by telling me I never did those things. I really love him, and if he's happier with her, then I'll let him go. I just think that I can make him happier. I want to show him that I have changed, but he doesn't believe it. Maybe in time he will let go of the hurt and anger and realize this?

 

We are both in our early 20's.

[RayRay63]

He was probably thinking you wanted to change him, and he wasn't interested in changing, so he didn't. We're lazy like that.

 

Don't take much notice of anything mean he said during/post break-up - it was his hurt ego talking.

 

If you leave him alone and work to better yourself, maybe he'll see that once he gets over the hurt.

 

I'm not saying this means he'll take you back, I am saying show him regardless of that. Chances are, if he still has feelings for you he'll be watching. And if doesn't, its a good thing to do anyway.

 

Once again, I'm just trying to give you the perspective of how the male mind processes these things.

 

You are in your early 20's so you have your whole adult life in front of you.

 

The ladies are saying chalk this one up to experience, grow from it, and it will help you in your next relationship.

[rosephase]

. I really love him, and if he's happier with her, then I'll let him go. I just think that I can make him happier. I want to show him that I have changed, but he doesn't believe it. Maybe in time he will let go of the hurt and anger and realize this?

 

This is what I mean when I say you don't have the skills to handle a relationship. It isn't your job to make a partner happy. You can't MAKE anyone happy other than yourself. When a relationship is new and your all hopped up on love drugs it can feel like a person can MAKE YOU HAPPY. But that isn't how it works with long term lasting type relationships. It's his job to figure out how to feel and be.

 

If you are screaming a someone over things you admit are small... you have anger issues. Those don't get solved in a few months.

 

If you didn't break up with him, he would have either left you or you would both be stuck in a poorly functioning relationship.

 

The only problem is, he doesn't seem to want to right now.

 

The only respectful and mature way to react to that is to leave him alone. Stop contacting him. And work on your own issues.

 

Of course he doesn't believe you've changed. Deep change like that takes time. What have you done to change? Are you in therapy? Have you spent time alone reflecting on who you are and what you want? Have you dug into your anger and your lashing out?... do you just want him back so you really really think that probably you've changed?

[lbax0]

He was probably thinking you wanted to change him, and he wasn't interested in changing, so he didn't. We're lazy like that.

 

Don't take much notice of anything mean he said during/post break-up - it was his hurt ego talking.

 

If you leave him alone and work to better yourself, maybe he'll see that once he gets over the hurt.

 

I'm not saying this means he'll take you back, I am saying show him regardless of that. Chances are, if he still has feelings for you he'll be watching. And if doesn't, its a good thing to do anyway.

 

Once again, I'm just trying to give you the perspective of how the male mind processes these things.

 

You are in your early 20's so you have your whole adult life in front of you.

 

The ladies are saying chalk this one up to experience, grow from it, and it will help you in your next relationship.

 

I am very appreciative of people's opinions. I do want to better myself, and I've been trying to work on myself but I don't know how he would see it if we don't talk anymore? I honestly feel like he was 'the one', and no it's not because I can't have him right now. If it was meant to be, he would come back no matter what, right?

[lbax0]

This is what I mean when I say you don't have the skills to handle a relationship. It isn't your job to make a partner happy. You can't MAKE anyone happy other than yourself. When a relationship is new and your all hopped up on love drugs it can feel like a person can MAKE YOU HAPPY. But that isn't how it works with long term lasting type relationships. It's his job to figure out how to feel and be.

 

If you are screaming a someone over things you admit are small... you have anger issues. Those don't get solved in a few months.

 

If you didn't break up with him, he would have either left you or you would both be stuck in a poorly functioning relationship.

 

 

 

The only respectful and mature way to react to that is to leave him alone. Stop contacting him. And work on your own issues.

 

Of course he doesn't believe you've changed. Deep change like that takes time. What have you done to change? Are you in therapy? Have you spent time alone reflecting on who you are and what you want? Have you dug into your anger and your lashing out?... do you just want him back so you really really think that probably you've changed?

 

I don't scream at anyone, never have except for him. Throughout our entire relationship, I never had to think about what I said or did because things were always so natural and easy between us, so I didn't know how to handle things when I felt angry at him. He doesn't believe I changed because he said "if I were you, I would have changed a while ago" so it's not that he doesn't truly believe I have changed, it's because he's mad I didn't 'change' or stop earlier?

[boltnrun]

It's because you didn't realize that yelling at someone you claim to love isn't right. I would think that would be basic.

 

How do you propose to "show" him you've "changed"? By telling him? Because it's super easy to say "But I've CHANGED!" without doing any kind of real work to actually change. How does he know the next time he "doesn't listen" or you're mad about something he did you won't start yelling again? Because you say you won't?

[lbax0]

It's because you didn't realize that yelling at someone you claim to love isn't right. I would think that would be basic.

 

How do you propose to "show" him you've "changed"? By telling him? Because it's super easy to say "But I've CHANGED!" without doing any kind of real work to actually change. How does he know the next time he "doesn't listen" or you're mad about something he did you won't start yelling again? Because you say you won't?

 

I guess he will just have to try again and see. He did joke about getting back together and I believe that every joke has some truth behind it. There isn't any other way that I can show him that I truly care about him and want to have a happy relationship with him.

[boltnrun]

I guess he will just have to try again and see. He did joke about getting back together and I believe that every joke has some truth behind it. There isn't any other way that I can show him that I truly care about him and want to have a happy relationship with him.

 

But he has to agree to get back together. And since he's currently dating someone else that may not happen.

 

I just think the best course of action would be to resolve to learn from your mistakes and know that if you've learned, you can have a happy and successful relationship in the future.

[lbax0]

But he has to agree to get back together. And since he's currently dating someone else that may not happen.

 

I just think the best course of action would be to resolve to learn from your mistakes and know that if you've learned, you can have a happy and successful relationship in the future.

 

I am trying to move on, I just hope he comes back in the future. Do they ever come back after rebounds? I've seen pictures of them, and he doesn't look happy, or as happy as he looked in our old photos. I don't think he actually loves her although he might think he does. Just because she supports him to buy a car and work doesn't mean its real love.

 

I read this one guy's story who said that he thought he didn't want a relationship with his ex, got into a rebound and 4-5 months later it hit him like a brick that he wanted his ex back.

[RayRay63]

There isn't any other way that I can show him

 

I'm hoping you mean by respecting his space, going no contact, and doing what the ladies are telling you to improve yourself.

 

If you keep on contacting him, he's going to think you are just too needy and it'll push him away. Like I said before, we men don't like drama.

 

I don't know how he would see it if we don't talk anymore?

 

Are you at the same college?

 

Do you have any mutual friends? They don't have to be close ones.

 

Down the track you can unblock him on social media (but don't message him). A picture tells a thousand words.

 

Like I said, if he cares he'll be watching.

 

He's probably going to be at least curious when some mutual friend says "Have you seen Ibax lately? She's has been hitting the gym and she is looking really hot, XXX told me that she got some therapy and has dealt with [insert issue]. "

 

Not saying it'll get him back, I think you are both too young and it probably won't. But you will have given it your best shot, not only regards him, but in also in terms of getting into a new relationship with someone who is a better fit for you.

[lbax0]

I'm hoping you mean by respecting his space, going no contact, and doing what the ladies are telling you to improve yourself.

 

If you keep on contacting him, he's going to think you are just too needy and it'll push him away. Like I said before, we men don't like drama.

 

 

 

Are you at the same college?

 

Do you have any mutual friends? They don't have to be close ones.

 

Down the track you can unblock him on social media (but don't message him). A picture tells a thousand words.

 

Like I said, if he cares he'll be watching.

 

He's probably going to be at least curious when some mutual friend says "Have you seen Ibax lately? She's has been hitting the gym and she is looking really hot, XXX told me that she got some therapy and has dealt with [insert issue]. "

 

Not saying it'll get him back, I think you are both too young and it probably won't. But you will have given it your best shot, not only regards him, but in also in terms of getting into a new relationship with someone who is a better fit for you.

 

I've been in no contact. We don't really have any mutual friends anymore. He can see some of my new pictures, but I don't see how that will show him that I have emotionally changed.

[RayRay63]

Telling him you've changed won't show him either.

 

Anyone, you should be doing this for you, not him.

[lbax0]

So you are at the same college?

 

He moved here to go to the same school as me but didn't like it and dropped out.

[boltnrun]

I can tell you, I've never decided to go back to someone because I saw pictures of them on social media looking happy.

 

I think if you do things that are good for you, you should be doing them for yourself and not in an attempt to get someone to notice you.

 

Is he still living in your area?