I Can’t Get Over my Crush on my Co-worker

[Diamonddoll91]

I probably could have posted this in multiple categories, so I’m sorry if maybe it’s not the right one. This has been something that’s been weighing on me for a long time, and I’m going to be honest and give as much detail as I can. So bear with me if this gets kind of long (it does) but I want to get some good insight on this, and there’s lots of detail involved. I’m actually omitting a lot, but I think I got the main points in. I’ve also been drinking wine, so... we’ll see how my story-telling goes.

 

A bit of background: I am a middle school teacher in my mid-20s. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend and, although I’ve kissed guys and have had a little sexual experience, I haven’t actually had sex yet. I get told regularly that I am attractive and people always ask me why I’m still single. But I was a late bloomer and I have always been shy/introverted and a bit on the insecure side. Main takeaways: I’m still not really used to being the “pretty girl,” and I don’t have a lot of experience with guys beyond making out.

 

So a guy teacher around my age started working at my school last year. He’s good looking, athletic, smart, confident... basically a lot of things I’m attracted to in a guy. We flirted a little bit last year when we would hang out outside of school with a group of younger teachers. At the beginning of this school year (August) I got to know him a little better because we work in the same grade level. He would come off as a bit shy (I know I said he’s confident earlier, but one-on-one I can sense the shyness) and hard to read, but I was attracted to him... I didn’t necessarily have a crush, but there was a little something there. I didn’t necessarily think anything would happen between us, but I was kind of thinking if he did ask me out, I wouldn’t say no.

 

Flash forward to mid-September of last year. He invited our teacher friend group over to his house (there were 5 of us total, all females except him. I should note that one of the females in this group has a very obvious crush on him and recently got rejected by him. Keep this in mind for later...). We were all drinking and he and I were kind of flirty, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. Hours go by and everyone else leaves. It’s only him and me at his house and, although I was sobering up at this point, it was very late and I was tired, so I asked to stay over. He said it was fine, so I helped him clean up and bit and we talked for a few minutes.

 

We decided to go to bed and we kind of both wandered into the bedroom. All of a sudden, his lips were on mine and we were kissing. I was caught off guard... although the signs were there, I hadn’t been expecting that at all. So we made out for a while, talking in between. He asked me if I had a crush on him, which I said I did (although I wasn’t totally sure if I did, but kissing him in the moment, I just went with it) and he told me that he had been wanting to kiss me since last year. Clothes started coming off, and I tell him that I don’t want to have sex tonight. I also find myself with a case of word vomit and admit that I’ve actually never had sex. Why I admitted that then and there, I do not know. I asked if that was a problem, and he said no and proceeded to make out with me. We didn’t have sex, but there were very few clothing items involved and let’s just say he did more for me than I did for him (I was kind of nervous from being caught so off-guard. Looking back I wish I would have done more, haha). I asked him how drunk he was and he said he wasn’t that drunk (debatable, but I didn’t overthink it at the time). He also told me that “everyone” was trying to convince him to go for me, and when I asked who, he just replied, “like... everyone.” So, there’s that.

 

After we got done fooling around, we slept in the same bed. I was thinking that it would be awkward the next morning and I would hurry out of there. But... it wasn’t. He wanted to cuddle and kiss. He kept saying all these nice and sweet things. And I’m just thinking, “Wow. I think he actually likes me.”

 

I asked him if this would ever happen again and he asked, “Well, do you want it to?” And I said, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind it.” Then he said, “Then it will happen again. I don’t do one night stands.” So we continued to cuddle and kiss, and we hugged before I left. We agreed not to tell anybody in our friend group and when I was like, “Will this be weird on Monday?” He insisted that it wouldn’t be weird and that I should just “pretend nothing happened.”

 

By the time I left, I was on cloud 9. I can’t even remember the last time I had feelings for anyone, and it seemed like he was really into me as well. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but I was thinking that I might finally have found someone who actually likes me back. This has pretty much never happened before, so I was really excited.

 

So a few weeks go by and either of us say anything. Did I mention our classrooms are right next to each other? So for a few weeks all I could think about was this guy seeing me naked... it was rough. But he said to pretend nothing happened, so I tried my best to keep it cool.

 

Months go by. Still not a word. Not even a hint. Nothing. At this point I did tell two of my friends at work who don’t really hang out in our friend group. I didn’t want to tell anyone, but I had to tell someone because I was going crazy thinking about it all the time with no one to vent to. Meanwhile, I don’t have much of an opportunity to confront him in person because I am no longer getting invited to hang out anymore, courtesy of the girl I mentioned earlier who likes him and doesn’t like when he and I would flirt. We have all hung out once since that night and we didn’t really drink. So not only do I feel bad over this guy, but I also feel incredibly left out (maybe that’s another topic of advice for another day).

 

It’s been almost six months since our “moment.” It would have been one thing if the next morning would have been awkward and weird, but it wasn’t. I genuinely thought he liked me. Afterwards I’m hearing that he’s a bit of a player and that he doesn’t want commitment, bla bla bla. I’m not saying I necessarily want a relationship, but it hurts that he doesn’t seem to want me. There’s just endless self-doubt and over analyzing happening. Is it the virgin thing? The fact that I’m a coworker? What’s wrong with me? Why did he change his mind?

 

The thought of him being with another girl makes me so sad... I’m having dreams about it. I feel like a crazy person, and I really don’t want to like him, but it’s hard to get over someone when you have to see them multiple times a day all day. I’d write more but it cut my words off and I don’t feel like typing the whole thing again. Basically, the whole thing is making me really sad and insecure and I hate feeling that way over a guy. Granted, I haven’t probably been the easiest person to read either, but it’s not like I can just bring this up st school. The whole thing is just so stressful.

 

I guess what I’m looking for is just some insight or for ways to move on. I know eventually I’m going to bring it up to him; I can’t deny myself that closure. But the whole situation is so annoying and I’m tired of it effecting my whole day. Plus I just wanted to vent. So like I said, any insight on this would be greatly appreciated, and I hope I don’t sound too pathetic. I just haven’t been in this situation before.

[Blue Dreamer]

How many "next mornings" have you experienced?

 

He is someone who has no concern for you in any way shape or form. He's a sex player with one goal. He is to go as far as he can sexually with the woman at hand.

 

You don't need to bring anything up to him. I would press the "DELETE" button 100% unless forced to work with him. If you continue, you just cause yorself more unneeded stress & chaos.

[1a1a]

Since he’s left it this long I’d gently bring yourself around to unilaterally deciding you do not want to be with someone who would be so inactive after something that felt like a great connection. How guys just switch that off after I don’t know but it definitely seems to be a thing. Take this guy off the pedestal and invest in yourself (how awesome can you make your life be flying solo?!)

 

You can and will find mutual love but somewhere else not here

[DanZee]

Why didn't you ask him out on a date? You've gone six months and you didn't even talk to him? You're in the classroom next door and you never ever even went over there? You couldn't even tell him that you enjoyed the night? What's wrong with you?

 

By now, it's incredibly awkward. He may have thought you're not interested in him or you were protecting your virginity or something. Maybe he didn't want to be your first because you never forget your first. He might have even thought you were angry at him. I think it's way too late now to even bring it up. Especially since he's not even inviting you over any more. Wow!

 

I think you should actively go looking for a boyfriend outside of school. Have some of your girlfriends be your wingmen to try to set up introductions at a party, or a bar, a dance or an event. You're too nice to be a spinster.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Diamonddoll91,

 

I generally agree with the opinion you should let him go and move on. However, I did want to play devils advocate for a moment. You haven't mentioned it or pursued it at all in that time either. Considering he apparently liked you for months, but never did anything about until you invited yourself into his bedroom, it may be possible that he has terminally low self-esteem/crippling anxiety, and has convinced himself that you totally hate him and think he took advantage of you. Just speculation, but speculation is all we have at this stage.

 

Usually, I might say just talk to him and see what's up. Unfortunately, this falls into that old trap with work-place romances - potentially messy. Added to the fact that given your own anxieties and what you say you find attractive in a man (primarily: confidence), I'd say that the 6 months of awkwardness is a pretty bad sign for any relationship even if the above is true.

 

Take a deep breath, and let it go, and move forward. Lesson learnt.

 

Good luck,

 

T

[Diamonddoll91]

That was pretty much my first “morning after,” to answer the question and I think that’s my problem. Most guys I’ve done things with have been one-time things and then I don’t see them again. But this guy I have to see every day at work so it’s harder to get over.

 

Thank you guys for being real with me. I think you’re right about letting it go, it’s just hard (I hate admitting that, but it is).

 

To those of you saying that I could have seemed him and said something, you are definitely right. I don’t think he’s necessarily completely to blame because I’ve been quiet about it too. It’s definitely possible that my quietness implied that I wasn’t into it or that I didn’t feel comfortable with it. He initiated the kiss, so I was kind of taking his lead. But yes, it is possible that I made things awkward for him too.

 

To the person who asked, “What is wrong with you?” The answer to that would probably be pretty long, but the short version is that I’m anxious, shy, and have never been in any situation like this before and didn’t know how to handle it.

 

Side note: we do actually talk regularly, we even eat lunch together (not alone, other teachers who have our lunch period are there too). So it’s not like we avoid each other completely, but there’s some weird tension there (at least I feel it) and, as I’ve said, we’ve never actually brought up that night. Although he didn’t exactly “friend-zone” me because he doesn’t treat me the same way he does the other younger people we work with, which kind of sucks because I was at least hoping we could have turned into friends or something.

 

Thank you all for your thoughtful advice.

[Blue Dreamer]

What matters is that you are learning from these experiences. You are smart and well "aware" of your own participation. That's the ticket is being aware. Don't be dettered by this basterdo, there is a full supply of gentleman waiting to truly sweep you off your feet!!

[Diamonddoll91]

@Blue Dreamer: thanks, that means a lot. Self-awareness is something I have going for me, I’ll say that. I appreciate the kind words. :)

[Diamonddoll91]

I can't seem to edit my last post to add more, so I hope it's okay that I'm posting two times in a row. I think my biggest problems are that I fell hard quickly because I have so little experience and opportunities like this and that I can't get him out of my head because I have to see him every single day.

 

Out of curiosity, does anyone have any advice on how to move on from someone who you have to work with every day?