dv123 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Hi everyone. Thanks for clicking on my post, here's my story Me and my girlfriend have been together for four years. We broke up on the 21st January and she has been staying at her parents house. She works as a gym instructor and I am a sea lion trainer. Her job requires her to work really unsociable hours with poor wage and managers that don't really care unless its looking after themselves. She is a great girl who always tries to listen to everyone else's problems at work etc. and in return forgets about herself and carries a lot of stress etc. She has developed workplace anxiety from constantly trying her hardest to please (but not getting much in return). Our relationship was amazing and we lots of great stuff together. I was due to propose to her this October in Iceland. Last Xmas (2016) we bought a lovely house and also have a 9 month old puppy. In the past I have had relationships but she is the first girl that I have wanted to make the big commitments to. The house was a huge step for us and our future. We have spoke about kids but I have always been a little bit dubious due to the nature of her job and how she handles stress and pressure. But I have assured her that I want children with her. Shortly before xmas I started to feel neglected as she was working stupid shifts (whilst the managers give themselves evenings and weekends off) and I hardly saw her. She began to get irritable and snappy with me and her family and she just didn't seem herself. She then started setting loads of alarms to make sure she was getting up in time for work. This became very OCD. On the 15th January my nanny passed away and although she spoke to me about it I just didn't feel like I had her full support. She hasn't been physically or mentally the same for a while and all aspects of her life have suffered. She's constantly exhausted, doing rubbish shifts etc and taking loved ones for granted. We had a bit of a row after I sat her down calmly and just tried to get her to open up. She went back to her parents and we've hardly spoken. She took our dog with her. When I have seen her she just cries all the time saying 'I feel so low and cant get myself out of this feeling'. I have reassured her that In love her and if she wants to talk to take a weight off her chest then I'm here. But I HAVENT chased her or put her under pressure, I have given her the space and got on with my life. Smothering her just pushes her further away. I am close to her parents and they are upset as she's snappy with them and just wont talk. I also run a dog training business that I started up last year and I am now so busy that I previously offered her a position with me where she doesn't have to work shifts anymore, earn more money and be her own boss. Anything that she used to love just doesn't seem to excite her anymore, she's rock bottom. So what do I do now. We built a great foundation together but I am a bit in limbo. She had an episode like this last year but then moved jobs and that made her very happy again. Its like she's at a crossroads in her life and is lost and confused about what she wants, who she is etc. She said she misses the house and still loves me but when she moved out it hurt her too much. Thanks for reading Link to comment
and so it goes Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 She sounds like she might be clinically depressed or something. Perhaps professional opinion? Approach that subject with caution though. Link to comment
dv123 Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 Hi, thanks for your reply. I have thought that but didn't mention it to her as she will probably get defensive. She admits that the stress has given her the anxiety Link to comment
maew Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 If you want to maintain a relationship with her, the best thing you can do in this scenario is to be supportive and give her the space she has asked for. Almost everyone I have ever met has gone through a crossroads like this at some point, and it can cause a lot of internal turmoil while they work things out. If she asks you for input, maybe suggest a life coach or a counselor to help her work through things, and provide her a listening and empathetic ear. I don't suggest telling her what to do, or trying to fix her situation, or giving your opinion unless she asks for it. When I go through times like this the last thing I want is someone giving me advice or telling me what they think I should do to fix how I am feeling. What I appreciate most are the friends and family that are willing to listen and help me process my feelings. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 You say you had an argument about trying to get her to open up - what was the argument about, exactly? And why did she take the step of breaking up with you? I know she obviously wants space, but what specifically did she say when she ended it? Link to comment
dv123 Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 The argument wasn't really about anything particular. I just sat her down calmly and asked her what was wrong? She wouldn't open up to me and she would come home from work and not say anything. This went on for about a month and I was patient but it began to bring me down too. The day my nanny passed away she just wasn't there and that hurt. It escalated when I said she needs to communicate with me as I just feel like a housemate and that I was frustrated. Link to comment
dv123 Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 Thank you Maew for your reply. That's all I plan to do. The last thing I said to her was that I love her and she can talk to me anytime. I'll admit that because Im a few years older that I have tried to think of solutions to help her but have now learnt that it just frustrates her more so I've backed off completely. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 The argument wasn't really about anything particular. I just sat her down calmly and asked her what was wrong? She wouldn't open up to me and she would come home from work and not say anything. This went on for about a month and I was patient but it began to bring me down too. The day my nanny passed away she just wasn't there and that hurt. It escalated when I said she needs to communicate with me as I just feel like a housemate and that I was frustrated. I see. When someone pulls away, there's more on their mind than they're letting on. It hurts, and I have been where you are too. I'm sorry you felt so unsupported when your nanny passed; that must have been very hard. Why did she say she wanted to break up? I am just trying to piece together how this wound up in a relationship breakdown. Link to comment
dv123 Posted February 28, 2018 Author Share Posted February 28, 2018 Hi she didn't say she wanted to break up. The night of the argument was the same day my nanny passed away. She didn't fully support me so things got heated and she packed a bag to stay at her parents. It upset me that she was willing to leave after the day I had. I told her that I couldn't go on with her treating me like I don't exist and that she needs to open up to me. She's been at her folks since then and she's a mess. She's very rude and isolated from anyone who loves and cares for her. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Hi she didn't say she wanted to break up. The night of the argument was the same day my nanny passed away. She didn't fully support me so things got heated and she packed a bag to stay at her parents. It upset me that she was willing to leave after the day I had. I told her that I couldn't go on with her treating me like I don't exist and that she needs to open up to me. She's been at her folks since then and she's a mess. She's very rude and isolated from anyone who loves and cares for her. I'm confused. You said you broke up January 21 - so who pulled the plug? Link to comment
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