Help or Advice required

[Strugglewithin]

Hi.

Im new to the forum and have come here to seek some help or advice. Not sure if this is in the right section but here goes

 

Ive been married 12yrs next month, 2 kids 10&11 and been together almost 16yrs.

My wife has a tendency to talk about me to her girlfriends in a negative way...basically running me down and exposing all my flaws and wrong doings.

She also likes to dig up the past in front of our friends to start a scene or argument with me, but i no longer play that game and just ignore her.

 

1yr ago we sold up and moved interstate leaving behind all of my family and all of our friends behind so she can live her dream and for our kids to have a great place to grow up.

 

She is now starting to do it all over again. I have no one to turn to as everyone i had is left behind

 

All of this happens when she gets a few drinks in her. It affects me as i am somewhat introverted and makes it even harder for me to be myself around her and others.

 

Im no saint but one thing i never do is talk trash about others...especially my wife.

How do i progress from this?

Its a regular occurrence and it is taking a toll on me mentally and im starting to feel alienated.

Sorry for the novel

[Hollyj]

Have you discussed this with her?

 

If so, then I would strongly suggest some marriage counseling. What she is doing is disrespectful and vindictive.

 

No offense, but you need to stop being such a doormat.

[Strugglewithin]

Have you discussed this with her?

 

If so, then I would strongly suggest some marriage counseling. What she is doing is disrespectful and vindictive.

 

No offense, but you need to stop being such a doormat.

hi thanks for your feedback

 

Yes i have discussed it with her multiple times over the years.

Im a private person and believe relationship issues shouldnt be discussed externally with friends or family.

She comes good for a while and then does it again.

 

Doormat? How did you come to that assumption? At times i feel like one.

How do i not be one?

 

I hate confrontation and do my best to avoid.

[Hollyj]

My friend, you have allowed this behavior for too long. You have shown her that she can walk all over you.

 

She is clearly showing that she does not respect you. Time to take some action. Her behavior is mean, and unacceptable. She is a bully.

 

Stop allowing it. We show people how to treat us.

[Strugglewithin]

My friend, you have allowed this behavior for too long. You have shown her that she can walk all over you.

 

She is clearly showing that she does not respect you. Time to take some action. Her behavior is mean, and unacceptable. She is a bully.

 

Stop allowing it. We show people how to treat us.

Its funny you mention the word "bully" as thats what she calls me when i confront her on the issue.

Any suggestions on the next course of action?

I havent spoke to her about it since it last happend a couple of nights ago.

 

She knows she has done it again and feeling what i would say "guilty" perhaps, as she i trying to be extra nice to me.

[Hollyj]

Suggest that you seek counseling. You are tired of her abusive behavior, and that it is humiliating.

 

If she is unwilling, then you need to decide if you are going to continue to tolerate this behavior . Personally, I would leave. You may have to do this to show her you will not allow her to continue to walk all over you.

 

I hope to god that your kids are not witnessing any of this?

[ControlDenied]

I can relate to this. The problem is not her, you can not change her.

 

The problem is you. Fortunately, the only thing you can control is yourself.

 

You need to address this issue head on, but you must use the right strategy. For that you need to prepare yourself. Read “Non Violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg.

 

When you talk to her about this, you must never use the word YOU. Always use the word I. When you read the book you will understand. “YOU” carries judgement, I is about what you experience.

 

Also, you need to stop being a doormat, in small things she needs to start re-gaining the respect she had for you when you married.

[ControlDenied]

For example is different to say “you talk badly about me in public” than saying “I have an expectation of respect in my marriage”

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Does she have a drinking problem? She's browbeating you.

All of this happens when she gets a few drinks in her.

[Strugglewithin]

Thanks for all the input...much appreciated.

she is very head strong and doesn't deal with authority or someone else taking charge and when i try to take control of a situation she will object and overrule me, but when i hold my ground she blows up therefore i withdraw from the situation to eliminate a confrontation in front of friends or exposing our kids to an argument between us. I never used to back down before we had kids but in those situations id end up looking like the aggressive husband/partner and be judged by others in company

 

We had a big talk last night and within minutes it all became about me on how im the one making her the way she is, thats why she has to vent to her friends about me, our problems and financial stress.

 

I am guilty for not doing my share around the house when it comes to cooking and washing up ect, this seems to be her main problem with me, im working from 50-80 hours a week to provide for the family.

 

She apologized for speaking wrongly behind my back but i didnt accept it as its a reoccurring issue and told her its the last straw... was i wrong in saying this?

I used the terms "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" in our conversation.

 

As for a drinking problem....well we go out for dinner once a week and we have 2-3 beers/wine with our meal and every 2nd weekend we will catch up with friends for dinner and have anywhere between 4-8 drinks that night...she does get drunk, i dont as i always drive and prefer to keep a level head when a potential issue may arise.

[Wiseman2]

She has the right to confide in whatever friends or family she sees fit. However, therapy would be a much better option, since it's not just random complaining, it's to air grievances to resolve problems. Unfortunately she has a lot of pent up resentment which you seem to drown out and therefore she blurts things out when drunk. Marriage counselling would be the best solution, since you are not listening to her, she drinks way too much and too often and you want to put on a face in front of friends and family that she seeks to strip away. It would also help you navigate the household chores/errand better, and discuss finances openly. It would also help you communicate more sincerely and with less condescension like using semantics such as "I feel" which is passive-aggressive nonsense when nothing gets resolved anyway.

thats why she has to vent to her friends about me, our problems and financial stress. I am guilty for not doing my share around the house when it comes to cooking and washing up ect, this seems to be her main problem with me

[Strugglewithin]

She has the right to confide in whatever friends or family she sees fit. However, therapy would be a much better option, since it's not just random complaining, it's to air grievances to resolve problems. Unfortunately she has a lot of pent up resentment which you seem to drown out and therefore she blurts things out when drunk. Marriage counselling would be the best solution, since you are not listening to her, she drinks way too much and too often and you want to put on a face in front of friends and family that she seeks to strip away. It would also help you navigate the household chores/errand better, and discuss finances openly. It would also help you communicate more sincerely and with less condescension like using semantics such as "I feel" which is passive-aggressive nonsense when nothing gets resolved anyway.

Thanks for the reply...it gives me a lot to think about and to consider

....however i dont agree with you on airing out your dirty laundry to the public and unfortunately listening ears are also a running mouth...and this is true with 1-2 of her female friends.

 

Since the main problem seems to be me not putting in the effort to help out around home with chores/errands/kids ect.

 

How do you balance the lives of someone who works only 2 days a week versus someone working 5x12hr days a week and still be expected to chip in equally?

When i my home on Sundays im mowing lawns, doing yard work, washing cars+dogs and playing with my kids.

Im physically exhausted.

 

Do i cut back my working hours so i can chip in more at home and tell her to get a full time job?...but then having her working full time will have an effect on the kids schooling and after school sports ect.

Im at a loss

[leor16]

She sounds like a narcissistic person. You can learn a lot online about this sort of personality disorder. Or even if she is not a narcissist, she is still abusive and is being a bad role model for your children. Trust me, I grew up in a family such as this. I have a sister who acts the way your wife does. It's not uncommon that your children will one day re-enact her behaviors and you'll be wondering what happened and why it happened the way it did. You can begin by learning how you want to be treated, what sort of role model you want to be for your kids and what makes you happy. Because it sounds like you are allowing her to control your life and it's your life, so it's the only one you got. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend and the answers will come to you.

Best of luck!

[tattoobunnie]

Record her, and play it back to her when she's sober. After a few drinks, she may think she is being funny. But obviously, she's just being a jerk.

[tattoobunnie]

 

Do i cut back my working hours so i can chip in more at home and tell her to get a full time job?...but then having her working full time will have an effect on the kids schooling and after school sports ect.

Im at a loss

 

Yes. Your kids are 10 and 11. Plenty old enough to work more. Tell her to work more, so you have time to contribute around the house and with the kids. Although, I think you both need to be okay with a slightly messier house, which means you have the two kids pitch in with chores. They are old enough to do their own laundry, dishes, vacuum, and do yard work

 

I work 60 hours a week throughout the week, and still take care of the kids after school/daycare, clean the kitchen, the laundry, clean around the house, and spend time with the family. My husband also works 60 hours over the week at a laborous job that involves about 5 miles of working throughout his locations, and still cooks dinner, cares after the cats and dog, and makes lunch for our eldest son. All parents are physically exhausted; it's not about being equal - it's about supporting and giving your best.

 

If you are exhausted, you may want to check the quality of your sleep you are getting and evaluate food you are intaking - you may need much more protein.