Mourning a best friend and helping her family

[beebs82]

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice here. My friends and I are all in this together but an outside perspective would be appreciated. I lost my best friend of 30 years to breast cancer last week. She was the most amazing woman, so strong, never complained, so selfless....the list is endless. She left behind her husband and twin kids who are almost 3. She was more concerned about her husband and kids than she was herself and made us promise to make sure her husband is ok. What on earth do we do? Obviously check in, try to help in any way we can , cook, volunteer to offer....but I just don't know my boundaries. And he has sisters and family who are rallying for him so I know he will look to them first.

 

We are pretty close with her husband and he had been such a rock for her and her angel. Just looking for thoughts or suggestions on things we can do. This is so hard bc I want to text him funny things but will it make him upset or mad? I don't know what phase he is at in the grieving process. Thank you

[abitbroken]

It is waaay too soon to text him funny things - don't! he just lost his wife a week ago and even though she was sick for a long time he is knee deep in the grieving process.

 

make sure not to be his shoulder to cry on -- a friend of mine said that her fiancee's brother was like the recent widower who all the single ladies threw themselves at in hopes of snagging him. Do you know her sister, etc? Maybe fish out with her or another family member if you organized people to cook hot meals or fridge ready meals for later for the family on a schedule and drop them off would be welcome. The immediate needs of the family after this just happened a week ago isn't funny texts. I think that beyond that, you should not push, just send a note with your offer to babysit. If you are always free let's say tuesday nights, just state that if he ever needs a babysitter on tuesday after work, just let you know. And make sure if you always went out with them as a couple for dinner on thursday nights with other couples, make sure to include him. But give this a little time

[DaisyMayPorter]

Don’t ask “what can I do?” Just do it. Go over with food— casseroles, platters, easy things that they can throw in the oven or don’t have to cook. Offer to babysit the kids while he does whatever he has to do. Just be there.

[abitbroken]

Don’t ask “what can I do?” Just do it. Go over with food— casseroles, platters, easy things that they can throw in the oven or don’t have to cook. Offer to babysit the kids while he does whatever he has to do. Just be there.

 

great advice

[beebs82]

It is waaay too soon to text him funny things - don't! he just lost his wife a week ago and even though she was sick for a long time he is knee deep in the grieving process.

 

make sure not to be his shoulder to cry on -- a friend of mine said that her fiancee's brother was like the recent widower who all the single ladies threw themselves at in hopes of snagging him. Do you know her sister, etc? Maybe fish out with her or another family member if you organized people to cook hot meals or fridge ready meals for later for the family on a schedule and drop them off would be welcome. The immediate needs of the family after this just happened a week ago isn't funny texts. I think that beyond that, you should not push, just send a note with your offer to babysit. If you are always free let's say tuesday nights, just state that if he ever needs a babysitter on tuesday after work, just let you know. And make sure if you always went out with them as a couple for dinner on thursday nights with other couples, make sure to include him. But give this a little time

 

Thank you! I know he wants some sense of normalcy which is why I mentioned the funny thing. we all were having weird signs from her and joking about it with him and I Jess bc at the shiva it's a time to celebrate her life we were trying to be upbeat.....He's going to therapy so he is getting professional help. I will def not be the person to "snag" him. My friend was my family so he is my family in a way. They put together a meal train so I'm cooking dinner for them.

 

I think to your point instead of asking maybe just put it out there. It's still pretty early since it was last week but he needs and wants to remain close with her friends. It's hard bc I'm grieving too. I guess just take it day by day right? Thank you for your response!

[j.man]

Thinking of how I grieve, less is often more, especially when he seems to already have a lot of women tending to him (not at all a criticism as I think it's nothing but amazing he's got such a strong support system). Honestly, I'd stick to contributing to the meal train and to extending him a sincere offer to help with the kids.

[Wiseman2]

Take the kids off his hands for a while. Why don't you and your friends offer to babysit, take the kids out, have them over etc.. That is kind to the kids as well as gives him some relief from suddenly overwhelming single parenthood. Gives him time to relax, blow off steam, get someone alone time, etc. Focus on the kids not him. Never send a joke to a grieving person. This is not a time to get flirty with him.

She left behind her husband and twin kids who are almost 3.