A friend is acting odd

[Fattyfat]

She is a co worker. We have been friends for 5 years. We are both in relationships. I have no intrest in trying anything or hooking up, but i do care about her alot. We talk alot, and lately she has been texting me late at night, usually because she is having a panic attack about something and her husbamd doesnt care or is asleep.

 

Nothing out of the ordinary to me there, but what is nerve racking, is when at work if i do something for her or stop by her desk, even if she asks me to, she them proceeds to tell me how her seat mates tease her when i leave about being her man. If i ask her how she is infront of people l, she will later tell me that, everyone is talkijng about how i am "into" her.

 

I can deal with this because i know where my feelings are. Ive told her my feelings, about how i am jappy we are friends but how my wofe is the absolute (a self description of of my wife by my wife). I told my friemd if it will make it better i will not come around as much or keep our cumunication to text, or email amd she is adament that she doesnt care about those people and just wants me to be around.

 

Ok fine...but then if i give her my opinion about something in her life even if she doesnt ask, she gets angry and tells me to mind my own business. So i do, amd with in 2 days she is messaging me at night again amd telling me about her husband and how she wishes she had a better guy like me.

 

Now i am not her type, like at all. Im not muscular, or "hot", or the confident type she likes, so i dont think she is in to me, but she keeps comin fb at me hot and cold and i was hoping someone or anyome could maybe tell me im missing here, and why she might be all over the place. Thanks...

[DaisyMayPorter]

Well, she obviously has trouble with boundaries. And she seems to not be fulfilled in her marriage, which is why she is seeking you out. But she is also in denial that something is missing in her life and that her life is unfulfilling, which is why she tells you to mind your own business. She should not be texting you late at night. She's not having a panic attack. She just wants your attention.

 

What does your wife say?

What does her husband say?

[HeartGoesOn]

I understand this was not your question, but what does your wife say about these late night calls between you and this woman?

[luminousone]

I would stop responding to late night texts or calls. If she asks, tell her that time is reserved for spending time with your wife.

 

By being such a support person for her at the drop of a hat, you are providing an outlet for her feelings, and making it less likely that she would work through things with her husband.

 

In a sense, I believe she is trying to have an emotional affair with you - or even that you guys are already at that point. Your clue- the observations of the coworkers, for one.

 

Boundaries are essential at this point.

[Fattyfat]

My wife is not keen on it but, she knows how i feel. I have always been friends with more girls than guys, and talk to my friends at all hours, and usually she is asleep by 10pm. I am the group advice giver usually and honestly its one of the things ny wife loves most, her words.

 

The co workers have never said anything to me about flirting, Although one time one said i was too into my friends business, which was strange because i Hadnt said anything to my friend about anything in sometime. It was one of rhe ebbs of our friendship. We go through them alot. She will be talking to me sharing stuff, and flirty. The next couple days she is very cold. I feel like i am just along for the ride. These are usually preceeded by me "taking her husband's side" when she comes to me for advice.

 

 

I have my suspicions on this all of course, but i dont ever feel confident enough to say them to anyone...maybe it why i am here.

 

Why would she want an emotional affair?

[Fattyfat]

We talked before about how unfullfilled she is with her husband, but honestly i tell her that he cares and they will work it out. I always promote love.

 

She told me that she would talk about me at home, repeating stuff i said amd once her husband asked her why she talked about me so much she stopped bringing me up except when i defend him. Ive met him once and he is a cool guy, we have a ton of the same intrests, and got along really well.

 

Ive been around her when she had a panic attack, and it was bad, so i know they are legit. But who knows

[luminousone]

My wife is not keen on it but, she knows how i feel. I have always been friends with more girls than guys, and talk to my friends at all hours, and usually she is asleep by 10pm. I am the group advice giver usually and honestly its one of the things ny wife loves most, her words.

 

The co workers have never said anything to me about flirting, Although one time one said i was too into my friends business, which was strange because i Hadnt said anything to my friend about anything in sometime. It was one of rhe ebbs of our friendship. We go through them alot. She will be talking to me sharing stuff, and flirty. The next couple days she is very cold. I feel like i am just along for the ride. These are usually preceeded by me "taking her husband's side" when she comes to me for advice.

 

 

I have my suspicions on this all of course, but i dont ever feel confident enough to say them to anyone...maybe it why i am here.

 

Why would she want an emotional affair?

 

It does not matter whether she wants an emotional affair or not. I stand by my advice. Stop "advising" her late at night. Otherwise you could lose your marriage.

It sounds like you are invested in being the helper or advice giver. So many beautiful marriages have been ruined by those blurred boundaries. I see the signs, and it looks like that is where you are headed.

[Fattyfat]

I do apperciate your concern, but i know where i stand, and where my marriage stands. I also appreciate you commenting, but its not the question I asked, Im trying to figure out what is up with my friend. Why the last 2 or 3 months she has been acting weird.

 

I was hoping for some female perspective on what might be up with her. My wife thinks something must have happened to ny friend that she is not telling anyone, and that i should contiue to be a friend. I know its hard to fully grasp the situation based soley on my description of it. there could be key things that i am not noticing, so i dont mention them. i hope you can see that i have been completely open about the situation with my wife, and anyone else who asked. I look at this woman like a younger sister, and have no intention/desire/need to be anything other than a friend. The feeling i get from her is the same. And if i got the vibe she wanted anything else, it would be the end of the friendship because ive been up front woth her about how strong my relationship is with my wife. Again thank you for the comment, but i think i was hoping more for in sight as to what might be going through her mind, and not for speculatuon into what might happen. Does that make any sense? My apologies if that seems off base in my response.

[thealchemist]

My opinion is she is hot and cold and dependent on you because she has innapropriate feelings for you. She sounds too emotionally entangled with you.

 

I have a "little sister" at work too.

 

But the way this woman depends on you is too much.

 

That is why she is so erratic with you.

 

This is my opinion as a guy who has been in your situation several times.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you need to stop the late night and constant texting, chatting etc. For her sake (she needs a therapist, not someone she can dump on about her husband). And most of all for the sake of yourself, your job, your marriage and your happiness. She has no boundaries and you need to create them.

 

This alone is very bad news:

We talk alot, and lately she has been texting me late at night, usually because she is having a panic attack about something and her husbamd doesnt care or is asleep.

[Fattyfat]

I have felt guilty the times i didnt answer her at night. Its been. A few times.

 

She does have a therapist. But we never talk about that, just that her therapist tells her that her husband is this or that...

 

 

My feeling is she uses me to build her co fidence because she wants to leave her husband, but that is just what i think. I would never say that to her, and my advice is usually about staying married, being patient. Her husband doesnt have anciety lime she does, so he might need more ti e to understand. Thats usually when she stops talking to me for a few days. Today is an ebb. Distant cold, one word answers, yesterday and weds were much different.

 

Today i also heard her make a comment to her seatmates "god, he just keeps coming around" i had been at her desk once and it was work releated.

 

Idk what is going on, but the your suggestion never occured to me. I am not her type, at least as far as the type of guy she married or talks about being attracted to. And if you are right i need to distance myself a great deal. Because i've told her twice i am not looki g for anything becauae my wife is irreplaceable, and I'm not interested....

[Wiseman2]

Trashing the spouse is the classic slippery slope to an emotional affair. Why risk your own marriage for this? Almost all affairs start with "my spouse doesn't understand me", right? Stop the late night calls, even if you find all this flattering.

[thealchemist]

First of all, if anyone starts trashing the person they are currently in a relationship with to me I see that as a red flag for an inappropriate interaction.

 

Idle complaining is one thing.

 

Habitual complaining repeatably to the same person is a no no.

 

That is for a therapist not a friend.

 

That also means she is using you as an emotional crutch. Once again, a bad sign if you are married to someone else.

 

Lastly, WHY?!?

 

Is helping this female coworker THAT important to you?

 

It seems like your wife doesn't feel comfortable with this either.

 

I just can't imagine the motivation to maintain such an intimate relationship with a married coworker while you yourself are also married. Especially with your wife uncomfortable with it.

 

Just seems like a frivolous reason to put strain on your family life.

[Fattyfat]

She is a co worker, but a friend too. If it was just some co worker i wouldnt even respond, but the girl is a friend. Has been for a long time.

 

There is no strain on my marriage about it. Seriously, i would say it here because i want to be as forthconming with detail because i am at a loss. Ive never had anyone act like this before, and its concerning. Ive told my wife of every interaction and every thing we had said to each other.

 

I said my wife isnt keen about the late night texts, but ive showed them to her, and she agrees its weird but that my friend obviously is in need.

 

Its not for ego, its not for attention for me, i do care about my friends. But with all the opinions i am seeing here its prob best to distance myself anyways.