Please help me... I don't know what to do...

[Sarcasmism]

I'm going to try and get this all out in one sitting. It's a rather complicated situation, but I'll try to be as articulate as possible.

 

Sorry in advance for the length of this post...

 

Sometime in March, I aquired some new aquaintences at the diner my best friend and I frequent. The female to male ratio is about 1:4 at this place, but that doesn't seem to matter. Everyone's very friendly... Very non-threatening; which is good, considering my best friend ("Alice") and I are female.

 

Anyway, back on topic... One of our new friends (who, for privacy's sake, we'll call "Phil") seemed to take a liking to me from the start. I thought he was flirting with me, so I kind of went with it. Of course, I'm very out-going and open minded with my friends, so I "flirt" with all of them... Just jokes here and there... Nothing serious...

 

So, I find out "Phil" has a girlfriend... a girlfriend of 1 1/2 years... But he continues to flirt with me... and it seems he really does have a bit of a crush on me... We aren't doing anything wrong in being friendly, so I see no harm in this...

 

I find out they're having problems... She's really demanding... Insists that he be at her beck and call constantly... Is completely unreasonable about him spending time with his friends... (Also note, I've never met her. She refuses to come to the diner because she hates all of "Phil"'s friends). None of "Phil"'s friends seem to like her at all... and he's always upset after seeing her...

 

So, anyway, I see these "diner people", including "Phil" every single night for almost a month straight at our diner. Then, one time, around 4 in the morning when we leave the diner (the first weekend in April), he drives me home. We get there and I say "I'm not tired yet... you know what that means? You get to hang out with me!" He jokingly feigns being indignant, but complies.

 

We sit up in my room for a bit... Then the playful poking starts... then tickling... Then, he kisses me... We start making out... and that goes on for a while... Then we stop... I'm short of breath... I fall asleep (for about an hour, I was told)... Then he wakes me up and says he has to go...

 

I walk him out... I feel pretty bad... Since I know he has a girlfriend and all... He jokes with me, also feeling guilty... saying things like "Damn you, taking advantage of my crush on you..." to which I say "... i'm sorry..." He keeps saying "No no, I'm kidding, it's o.k.!" I then say "So.... now what...?" and he says "Well... I 've got that whole... girlfriend thing... to deal with..." and I'm like "Well, yeah, no... I didn't mean... yeah... hehe..." So he kisses me goodbye and leaves...

 

Next night, at the diner, we go off to talk and he apologizes... Says he shouldn't've put me in that position... etc... I say "No, it's my fault" etc... We decide to both accept blame for it... He says he really does like me... but he and (we'll call his girlfriend) "Sue" have been together for a year and a half... and he does love her... and he wants to see their relationship through till the end... And that if it should end, for it to be because of the relationship... I ask if he's going to tell her about what happened, he says no. We each tell our closest best friends ("Seth" and "Alice") that we made out the one time... and then things are kind of o.k. for a few days...

 

We refrain from kissing, etc for about a week... Then we find we just can't help it... We both say things like "I just can't help it sometimes... I'm just... compelled to kiss you..." or "touch you" (nothing dirty... just a touch on the cheek... or a hug). We both admit to really liking each other a lot...

 

I go to "Alice"... tell her what's going on... (to this day, she knows the most out of anyone aside from "Phil" and I...) She can't really condone what we're doing... I tell her I don't expect sympathy... I'm just really confused... Because on one hand I really like him a lot... but I feel really bad because "Sue" has no idea. "Alice" says "It's almost like he has two girlfriends at once." and I hate that idea... She really doesn't know what to tell me...

 

"Phil" and I get closer as time goes on... But day in, day out (for him)... it's work and/or school... then "Sue"... then diner... then me... And he says to tell him if anything that happens upsets me... He wants me to be happy... Says we can stop being this way if any of this makes me unhappy... Tells me I deserve so much... and he feels terrible that he can't give me all of what I need (relationship-wise). And that even if we didn't kiss and cuddle, I'd still be very important to him... and he'd want to keep me as one of his closest friends.

 

Not knowing exactly what I want and being totally confused by all of this, I completely restrain my thoughts and emotions on the matter and tell him (and myself), repeatedly, that I'm fine.

 

Then it happens... After a few nights of literally, simply, sleeping in the same bed... We... decide to go all the way... and we have. About 5 nights within the past 2 weeks, we've spent the night together and have had sex.

 

So... Main facts:

 

He's cheating on his girlfriend with me... I haven't told anyone... Not even "Alice", who I tell everything to...

 

According to "Phil", no one knows anything. He hasn't told "Seth" anything since the first time we made out... and he definitely hasn't told "Sue"...

 

I'm really lost and not knowing what to do...

 

Even though "Sue"'s totally unreasonable and pisses him off the majority of the time, he says he still loves her and wants to ride it out till the end.

 

I sometimes think that I might... maybe... love him...

 

and I've told him that... He says he really cares about me a lot (and might love me back?)

 

When I said something about "unrequited love" He said "Don't think you're in this alone... You're definitely not in this alone..." (meaning my feelings...).

 

Because of an injury "Sue" sustained in mid-March, I know, for a fact, that she and "Phil" don't have sex...

 

I've had him promise that he'd tell me if they started having sex again because I wouldn't be able sleep with someone if they were sleeping with someone else at the same time...

 

With or without sex, "Phil" and I get along fine and are still really close.

 

I care about "Phil" a lot... I really do... and even though he fibs to everyone about us... he's never given me reason to believe that he's lied to me... and, given that we're not "together"... and given the circumstances, he still treats me better than anyone I've ever been with.

 

Is he a manipulative, bad person I'm diluding myself into thinking is a wonderful person because of how he treats me?

 

Or is he really a good person that's just horribly confused and torn?

 

I'm not looking for sympathy... I know this all makes me a horrible person...

 

I'm just really confused... and it's starting to hurt... because I kind of wish everything were out in the open...

 

and sometimes... I really want to be with him...

 

And today, for the first time... I feel kind of used...

 

I just needed to get it all off my chest... and have it put out there somehow...

 

Please, if you have any advice... I really need help deciding what to do...

[SPark]

Others on this forum will no doubt be able to give you better advice than I ever could, but I just wanted you to know that after reading your post "horrible person" and "let`s bash her" were the furthest thoughts from my mind. I think you sound like a nice and sensitive caring person who has lots of nice friends and who thinks deeply about how to live...hard to beat that combination!!

[DN]

I tend to agree with goddesss38 but my advice is to tell him, without blame or rancour, that you cannot continue doing this and he has to choose - you or her.

 

I could go on about the reasons you should do that - but you almost certainly know what they are already.

[Sarcasmism]

Goddesss38: thank you for your comment... It really made me feel a lot better about myself and helped raise my confidence quite a bit... I usually lack in that area pretty severely.

 

DN: I think taking your advice is probably a good idea... I will definitely consider it thoroughly.

 

To both goddesss38 and DN: Thank you so much for your kind words... It makes me feel a lot better to know that there are people that strive to understand and wish to help...

 

Any more advice is equally appreciated.

[ghozt]

wow thats pretty serious heres what i personaly think is best

 

 

1 if he loves her its best to lose her for there sake it wont work out in the long rune(trust me its sometimes the best thing to do)

2 you 2 need to rely hook up if your all rdy haveing sex

3 you 2 need to tell "sue" whats going on so if they brake up its less emotional.

 

just some of my advise not much else to say for now

[RandomAdvisor]

He says he wants to stay with his girlfriend until "the end". What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is he waiting for the apocalypse and the world to end? When he's not having sex with her anymore, and he is always upset after seeing her... if that isn't the end, then what is?

 

He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. Right now you're the "other woman". Do you want to be the other woman? Do you want to be someone's silver medal? Their #2?

 

I agree with the advice of some of the other posters. Give him an ultimatum. It's either you or his girlfriend - he MUST choose. If he wont choose, or says that he chooses you but never gets around to breaking up with his girlfriend... then he's a manipulative @sshole who's full of it. At that point you would have to end your relationship with him, and seriously consider telling his girlfriend about it.

 

I see no good reason why he can't break up with her and be with you. What's keeping them together? They're not married, live together, or have kids together do they? If they don't, and he's just staying with her for the sake of staying with her, I think that's pretty stupid. He says that he loves her, but he obviously doesn't love her enough to be faithful to her and he isn't happy with his relationship with her.

[loner]

well, i think there is something that doesn't quite add up here.

He loves "sue" with all his heart and wants things to work out with her but he cooly chooses to sleep with you behind her back. That doesnot say a lot about him. Had it been just once (having sex with you) it would be different but doing it 5 times in 2 weeks and still claiming that he loves sue.

Now that is really messed up.

Either he is taking you for a ride or he is probably the stupidest person around. I can see why who would wanna hope that he might leave sue and come out in the open with you, considering that he treats you like a princess and all. But what you need to realise is that he is cheating on his girlfriend of 1.5 years. And you were not the initiator in this situation. Doesn't speak to highly of him.

And if you still want this to work out the best would be (as already suggested by everyone here) to make him choose and come out in the open. There is clearly something that is making him not break up with Sue.

[rosierizzle]

you have to stop.

 

tell him that if he loves you more than "Sue" he should split with her.

 

it would be less painful for her, you and him.

 

it would be so humiliating for her to discover he's cheating on her.

 

if you really care about Phil then you will have to tell him alll of this. I can see you don't deliberately want to harm anyone but you will eventually.

 

breaking up with sue will hurt her less than discovering the affair.

 

if he loves you more he will stay with you.

 

but don't keep going behind everyones back. you should be able to love someone in the open. not in secret.

[Sarcasmism]

ghozt: I do think he should come clean with "Sue"... I definitely agree with you on that...

 

some_guy282: I'm not quite sure what he means by "the end"... and I really do feel pretty down about being the "other woman"... They aren't married, don't live together, and don't have any children... So saying "he's just staying with her for the sake of staying with her" seems pretty accurate... and, I agree, kinda stupid... And, yeah... Saying he loves her doesn't really show in his actions, does it...

 

loner: He never said he loved her "with all his heart"... Just that he "still loves her", but I do understand what you're saying... It is confusing as to why he'd sleep with/be intimate with me, and still say he loves her... You do bring up an interesting point: What's keeping him from breaking up with Sue? Unless the only reason is he still cares for her, I'm lost on that one, too.

 

rosierizzle: I completely understand what you mean... I really didn't mean for things to get as far as they did... but I don't regret having developed feelings for "Phil"... And you're right... It does hurt to have to keep my feelings inside like this...

 

Thank you all so much for your kind words and very useful input. I'm seeing "Phil" tonight, and I will definitely sit him down and talk to him about the situation. An ultimatum is definitely in order. I've taken every bit of advice into consideration and I will definitely bring up all the points you've made.

 

Thank you again. I will let you all know how things go.

[DN]

What's keeping him from breaking up with Sue?

 

It could be that he just can't bring himself to hurt her.

[SPark]

IMHO, when you fool yourself, you hurt others the worst. Maybe someone should tell him that.

[RayKay]

You need to give him a choice...either he leaves "Sue" and you can have a proper relationship without all the secrets and the cheating, or he chooses to remain with "Sue" and in that case he CANNOT have you (and you will have to stick with that). Do not "permit" him to continue to behave this way....I think cheaters are bad, but I don't agree that it is okay to knowingly be the "other woman/man" either.

 

Something is very strange about this situation though - I assume he is quite young too, so what does he see as the "end" for him and Sue....as in what does he mean by "staying with it until the end"...isn't cheating on her and not sleeping with her, and not really liking her the "end"? Unless they are married, have children, etc there is no reason that he should have to remain bound to her "forever" if she is not the one and he is unhappy and is willing to cheat - you don't cheat on someone you love. Maybe he does care for her, but if he does he will set her free to be with someone who will love her and respect her in return.

 

I think right now he is playing both of you, so put an end to it with making him choose. You have the right to have a man all to yourself. In the book "He's just not that into you" it says if a man is married/attached and cheating on them with you but unwilling to leave them, he is just not that into you (and obviously not that into them either). You deserve better, and a man who is ALL yours. And in that respect...so does Sue!

 

So take a stand. And just keep in mind though.....there are some cheaters who do change, but many who do not as well.....if he is willing to do this to Sue with you....you may find yourself one day on the other side, or at least often wondering if he is playing around. Which is why it is best to always set limits when it comes to these situations - no intimacy sexually or emotionally UNTIL they end their relationship. Start off clean without the cheating.