Jump to content

Crush now in relationship, conflicted


Recommended Posts

Hey everybody, Ive never really posted to a forum like this before but a recent situation has been gnawing away at me.


A friend of mine (going on about 4 years) and I have been on an almost on/off again relationship. I've always felt a tension between us, and on multiple occasions she has expressed feelings twards me. Being the indecisive idiot i am, I turned her down once or twice due to my mental state at the time or other relationships I was in. But ive always kept in contact with her. I do genuinely like her, and we've gone as far as flirting back and forth less than two months ago.


Earlier this week I saw that shes now in a relationship with a very close friend of a friend, and im conflicted to say the very least. In a way Im happy for her, but find myself, as a genuinely not very jealous person, very jealous and angry with myself. Jealous because I still have feelings for her, but angry with myself in realizing how many opportunities I missed. Not even including the fact that I feel like id be worse for her (I currently have very little free time for a relationship and am broke as hell).


Should I tell her how I feel? If she denies me at least I'd have closure, but I would have committed social suicide in my own friend group. If she reciprocates, id still be committing social suicide by essentially stealing someone's girlfriend. Is this what I deserve for waiting so long to tell her how I feel? Does she even still have feelings for me? Should I possibly wait a few months for the summer (after I graduate), where I could ask her without fear of socially isolating myself?


Ive never really found myself in a situation like this and find myself sort of paralyzed in what to do. Im very tired of second guessing myself when it comes to this girl and Ive missed so many chances of the years to tell her how I feel, is it truly too late?

Link to comment

Well, I think you should wait until she's free from her current relationship before you make a move on you, and it would be better to do it when you have some free time to actually date her. Girls lose interest or think you're breaking up with them if you're not very available. And you should doubly wait because she's in a relationship with a close friend of yours. You can be as jealous as you want to be, but keep it to yourself until you can do something about it.

Link to comment

I think that it would be very selfish for you to tell her. You have had FOUR YEARS!


I think it is very strange that you have suddenly come to this conclusion, as soon as she has started a relationship. I would bet that if she breaks up with this guy, you will lose interest. Again!


Leave it alone!!!!! Be a friend .

Link to comment
Being the indecisive idiot i am, I turned her down once or twice due to my mental state at the time or other relationships I was in. But ive always kept in contact with her.


well to have made an approach (multiple times, no less), she must've really wanted you then, and given your account of the "tension between you", i guess you made her think you were equally interested.


To have been blatantly rejected, because you are confused, unsure about her (and certain enough about other women to enter multiple relationships with them in the meanwhile), must've been pretty harrowing for her, and i would bet entailed a torturous emotional process of her coming to terms with it, and the downgrade to "friend". It is also all too easy to be thrown from a perfectly good place into a perfectly pathetic, enduring slump over being tossed away like a sock at one's most hopeful and infatuated, and if she cares the slightest bit about her well-being, it is highly unlikely it's something she'd care to re-experience.


I don't know in what capacity she replied to your recent "flirting", but it would leave me feeling almost ridiculed to be met with first enthusiasm, then sudden "ehm, i'll pass", then, after ages of just being a "buddy", "uhmmmm, maybe i do still want something".



I would skip the thinking that you "deserve" to have lost this one for good, or any dismantling of social bonds, and i doubt she thinks in such punitive terms either. You've lost the chance simply because it requires a complete reorganization of one's emotional energy to recover from rejection (and persistent, repeated rejection, while we're at it), so the person who comes out at the other end of the process can no longer have, or contemplate having, the same emotional investment in you -- and the person you become for them by then, while they can genuinely think you a good and valuable one, is simply not someone they can entrust their emotions in.


It is becoming amusing, people thinking they can have others at their disposal like that, to be...repeatedly disposed of. You sure have put a lot of thought into what being rejected would mean to you. I'd imagine it felt like a kick in the stomach to an nth degree to her- for god knows how long.


If empathically mentalizing how you affect others when they are mere potential objects for your gratification isn't happening on your end, you can always simplify matters: Who wants a partner to feel anything but an unequivocal "hell yeah" about them? She most likely didn't approach in hopes of being a "yes!! actually, NO....hey, you still up for some" either, and the role would frankly have been a degrading one.


The standpoint from which humans relate to the world is a profoundly wounded one by default. It's easy enough for good, well-meaning people to hurt one another unintentionally. Once you've met someone's investment in you with flagrant rejection, honor whatever is left of the relationship by abstaining from pushing the envelope, especially since you've proven to yourself and her you handle her feelings with injurious fickleness.


And yes, it would be utterly selfish to butt into her relationship. Acknowledge they both deserve the chance at being each others definite "hell yeah" without the interruption of your need to validate yourself at the expense of others.


If you in way care about the effect you have on people, let the idea of her as a potential partner go.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...