v3rsatillo Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Hello everyone! Something's been going on for a while now, and I can't take it anymore without sharing. So, a couple of years ago I fell in love with a guy. He seemed soo atractive to me, and I was head over heels for him. So when he asked me out, you can imagine how happy and excited I was! I couldn't believe my own luck. Back then we used to see each other often, like, almost every day, and we would go on dates and take walks together... it is my first relationship plus I'm a pretty anxious person, so for a while I was trying my best to do everything only to not disappoint him. I was trying to sound smart, and a little better than I actually was. Eventually it passed though, and I learned to trust him. Right now, I could go and tell him some of my deep secrets, and I know he wouldn't judge. And I know he trusts me too - with his feelings, past, etc. He is so honest, so caring - I know that many girls would like a boyfriend like him :) Sometimes I feel like such a bad person, like I dont deserve him even... He is always protective, supportive, he is smart, loyal, and really nice to me - perfect scenario, right? Well, some time ago I started getting weird feelings... I would question myself 'Do I love him? Do I really want to be with him?'.... I sometimes try to check my own thoughts and feelings when we meet, or when we walk together, or kiss... I am almost paranoid of liking someone else - if I see a man I start having weird thoughts like 'Okay do I like him? Why am I looking at him? Does it mean I'm checking him out?!'... needless to say it all feels really weird and exhausting :( So then I get tired of all of this and read about this, search for forums or articles... then I either see something like 'well love is a choice, so loving someone is up to you' and it relaxes me somewhat, or I see 'if you loved him you would just know!', and it freaks me out and I feel really sad... I really don't understand why can't I just know?! This is weird, because while being confused and all I'm still really happy to give him presents and I have a whole folder for screenshots of especially sweet or funny moments in our conversations. And I enjoy going through our photos once in a while, and get all cuddly when we meet... I try to be closer to his hobbies... and when something is difficult or is making me sad (like in my family), I wish I could just be with him instead, because he would never be rude to me, and I always feel safe around him... But then some time ago we stopped seeing each other as often because of studying in different colleges. We still text each other on a regular basis, and talk on the phone as well. We're in really different areas now, and it doesnt help that just personality-wise we're also pretty different (could it all be because of that? is it that we started actually meeting each other less?)... I started arguing more and being more impulsive... which is terrible :( Unfortunately I can get quite angry towards my closest people... which was this way probably since I was a kid... Then these thoughts about love come again and make me even sadder. And I don't know what to do or think anymore... one time I was thinking of breaking up with him, but something stopped me. I would cry like crazy for several hours in a row... but I STILL do not have the answer. What do I do?... please forgive me for the mess. it probably doesn't make sense, I just really needed to vent. I would appreciate absolutely anything :( Link to comment
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