My horrible ex is so happy. It feels so unfair

[Drummergirl11]

Hi all,

 

So I went through a break up a while ago. It was kind of mutual, but the reason I wanted to break it off was because he was treating me badly as he didn't really want me anymore and I knew that, and didn't want to put myself through the shame and pain of begging someone to love me again (you can't make someone feel something they don't after all). So really, I was the dumpee.

 

My ex wasn't a nice guy, and I'm honestly not just saying that because I'm pissed off that he didn't want me, he really wasn't. He was arrogant and selfish a lot of the time now I look back, and even stole some money from my Dad (I didn't know until after we'd broken up). He bullied a girl at his college (again, I didn't know until after the break up) and he made my self esteem plummet to new lows with the way he treated me and things he used to say. I think he only dated me in the first place because I was insecure and so grateful for the attention, and he enjoyed feeling needed, powerful and superior in the relationship because of that. He was really borderline emotionally abusive.

 

But seeing how happy he is now really hurts. It's not that he's happy without me, but I'm just sort of angry at the universe for allowing him to be so happy after all that he's done, not just to me, but to others too. He has a great new job and has been travelling, and has lots of friends. He has new girlfriend who is gorgeous, successful, well travelled, sporty and intelligent. She seems like a genuinely nice girl too. But I'm struggling with heaps of issues right now and I'm on medication for depression.

 

I just don't understand how after everything he's done he can be rewarded with so many things and such happiness, when I've always tried my best to be good and kind and honest and seem to get nothing but . I'm just so angry that he hasn't had to suffer any consequences for what he did to me. If he was a good guy and things just didn't work out between us then I'd be pleased for him like I am for all my other ex partners who are doing well. But he's not.

 

I'm not going to do anything stupid like key his car or try to break up his new relationship to get back at him. I'd never do that to somebody. But how can I cope with these feelings? It's tearing me apart.

[Clio]

You need to stop keeping tabs on him. Please stop. Stop learning new things about him. Block him from social media and avoid talking about him with others. He is still the same person. People don't magically change. It's only a matter of time before the new girl gets the same treatment but not during the honeymoon stage. It doesn't matter though. You need to stop following up his life. Think of everything new that you learn about him as toxic and try to abstain. You are the one hurting yourself at this point. You dodged a bullet yet you insist on keeping the wound open by keeping tabs on him. He is no longer relevant. What he does or doesn't is irrelevant. Your life is your own and luckily he is not part of it. You have this great opportunity to focus on new exciting things and let new decent people into your life. Please do.

[reinventmyself]

^^^ Exactly this.

My last relationship, I did not want any hint of information about what he was and was not doing.

I understand the temptation but if you are hurting further from this point, you are doing so to yourself.

 

Choose not to, because it is a choice.

[DanZee]

Like Clio said, when his real self comes out, his new girlfriend will dump him. Just concentrate on healing and try not to think of the jerk.

[Drummergirl11]

I completely take your point but it's not that easy as our families are friends. I know I haven't been helping myself by looking at his social media pages so two weeks ago I decided to have a break from Instagram and Facebook to see if it would help. It has to a point. But I still hear pretty much everything about him through my family and friends and I still have to see him every so often on special occasions. I sort of want my family to stop talking to his but it's not fair to ask that of them.

[DanZee]

Do your folks bring him up every time you talk to your family? Remind them how he stole money from your Dad and that he was terrible to you and you don't want to hear about him again. You wouldn't think your family would be so friendly with his after all this.

[Dowai99Holly]

I always say to look at the silver linings, even if it's very difficult to see them at first.

 

You don't have to communicate with someone who's horrible and was borderline abusing you. Focus on yourself, and having the right people around will help you get better.

 

It's hard to see somebody having a good time but remember that they will have bumps and problems. There's possibly more going on behind the scenes than you've found out, as people tend to only mention the good.

 

Stay strong :)