Help! Looking for a tough, no nonsense relationship therapist in Los Angeles

[Informed101]

Hello.

 

I'm looking for a blunt, straight forward relationship therapist who cuts to the chase, one who is not afraid to say if something is not okay to do in a relationship, makes people own their stuff, sort of therapist. A Dr. Phil sort of therapist.

 

Any recommendations in the Los Angeles area?

[rosephase]

Dr. Phil is a quack.

 

Most therapist don't tell people what they are doing right and wrong. They don't choose sides. They listen, they give you guidance, they give you tools to communicate better so you can work through your issues. They help moderate. They help dig into questions.

 

My guess is you want your partner to start owning their sh*t? What sh*t do they need to own?

 

When I started relationship therapy I was hoping to find someone who could make my partner own there sh8t (they acted abusively) but that isn't what you get. You get a chance to work on your sh*t. You get help on handling your communal sh*t. But you don't get someone who can see through your dynamic and fix your partner. That isn't what therapy is for.

[rosephase]

Ahhh it's you again! f**k man you trick me every time.

 

Therapy isn't going to change your girlfriend. Can you even get her to agree to go? The only thing that can fix your relationship is for you to finally stand up and leave her. How she treats you is NOT something you can fix at this point. She doesn't care. She's going to do whatever she wants. The only fix comes from you.

 

Leave her already.

[DanZee]

Oh, is this about the mail-order bride? She took "your friend." She just wanted a green card and she used "him." A counselor is not going to work. She has to hang on for three years before making the green card permanent and then she'll file for a divorce. I would advise him to hide as much of his money as possible and see if he can put his possessions in a trust to protect them when the inevitable happens.

 

Or is this about your "girlfriend?" I think people on this board were pretty clear as to what you need to do. She's not worth it. You have to leave her.

[Informed101]

Dr. Phil is a quack.

 

Most therapist don't tell people what they are doing right and wrong. They don't choose sides. They listen, they give you guidance, they give you tools to communicate better so you can work through your issues. They help moderate. They help dig into questions.

 

My guess is you want your partner to start owning their sh*t? What sh*t do they need to own?

 

When I started relationship therapy I was hoping to find someone who could make my partner own there sh8t (they acted abusively) but that isn't what you get. You get a chance to work on your sh*t. You get help on handling your communal sh*t. But you don't get someone who can see through your dynamic and fix your partner. That isn't what therapy is for.

 

I hear what you are saying and of course, I would "own my stuff" as would be expected. What I don't want is a therapist who says something like we all have "our own truth" which to me is nonsense. We all may have our own perspective but being delusional is not okay and 2 plus 2 does equal four. Are there no therapists like Dr. Phil? I remember seeing an episode of some relationship therapy show with Dr. Drew. They called people out on their and were direct. Are there no therapists like this?

 

The things that occur in my "relationship" are so obvious to me....and my friends and others yet my GF has a totally different perspective.

 

As for her willingness to attend that's also an issue. I forwarded her some links to well written articles on relationships (all of which said the same thing) but she said "I don't care what the articles say or what a therapist says. I know how I feel and that's what is important"

 

TO me, here saying "I know what I feel" is not the answer but the issue to be explored. (E.g., no doubt a serial killer or rapist can do what they do and feel what they are doing is okay, they may even feel good about it, but that does not make it okay.)

 

Still, the possibility exists she could go.

 

As for me, I am closer to waking up and realizing this will have to end if there are no real affirmative steps in the direction of improvement.

[IAmFCA]

OP two ideas come to mind for me. 1) a psychotherapist who specializes in behavior modification and/or 2) a life coach.

 

Consider: Sometimes, people look to the therapist to do the heavy lifting. If you are avoiding pain, fear, loneliness, and/or discovery, no amount of therapy will offer lasting results. Its like being in the gym. No pain, no gain. You have to lift the weight yourself.

 

Consider also, the higher the mountain, the greater the view. If you do the work, if you are brave and let go of old ideas and fears, you will be transformed.

 

A tough as nails therapist may be wrong for you, if his or her forcefulness removes from you the fear of the journey and the joy of discovery.

[rosephase]

I hear what you are saying and of course, I would "own my stuff" as would be expected. What I don't want is a therapist who says something like we all have "our own truth" which to me is nonsense. We all may have our own perspective but being delusional is not okay and 2 plus 2 does equal four. Are there no therapists like Dr. Phil? I remember seeing an episode of some relationship therapy show with Dr. Drew. They called people out on their and were direct. Are there no therapists like this?

 

The things that occur in my "relationship" are so obvious to me....and my friends and others yet my GF has a totally different perspective.

 

As for her willingness to attend that's also an issue. I forwarded her some links to well written articles on relationships (all of which said the same thing) but she said "I don't care what the articles say or what a therapist says. I know how I feel and that's what is important"

 

TO me, here saying "I know what I feel" is not the answer but the issue to be explored. (E.g., no doubt a serial killer or rapist can do what they do and feel what they are doing is okay, they may even feel good about it, but that does not make it okay.)

 

Still, the possibility exists she could go.

 

As for me, I am closer to waking up and realizing this will have to end if there are no real affirmative steps in the direction of improvement.

 

Have you ever been to a personal therapist? You can do that on your own. It might help you realize that your partner cares not one single wit for what you want or need and help you sort out why you stay with her.

 

Even if you could drag her away from her "work", she needs to want to change. She needs to care about you. She doesn't. You understand that right? She doesn't care about you. She doesn't want to change. You need both of those things for relationship therapy to work. What you need is personal therapy. So you can find... whatever it is you need... so you can leave this sham of a relationship and heal enough to even recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.

[Sportster2005]

Hello.

 

I'm looking for a blunt, straight forward relationship therapist who cuts to the chase, one who is not afraid to say if something is not okay to do in a relationship, makes people own their stuff, sort of therapist. A Dr. Phil sort of therapist.

 

Any recommendations in the Los Angeles area?

 

I would challenge your assumption that seeking a 'type' of therapist is what is best for you. Find a therapist with a good reputation and go in with an open mine. You obviously have formed some strong bias. That may not be healthy. Dr. Phil is an entertainer, not a serious therapist.

[Informed101]

I would challenge your assumption that seeking a 'type' of therapist is what is best for you. Find a therapist with a good reputation and go in with an open mine. You obviously have formed some strong bias. That may not be healthy. Dr. Phil is an entertainer, not a serious therapist.

 

Well, what I can say is from a prior experience about 5 years ago having a therapist that was not direct in a couples therapy environment turned out to be an exceedingly slow process that ultimately did not work.

 

What I like about Dr. Phil or what I saw on the couples therapy TV show that I'd seen briefly was the directness. This is not rocket science to some degree, particularly where, assuming for the sake of argument, one person's conduct is clearly the kind of conduct that damages relationships and is contrary to what most normal people would say is acceptable. I just would like a therapist who calls a spade a spade and then starts to work with the couple on these issues.

 

What I want to avoid is a therapist who says "there is no wrong or right behavior" because in the real world that's not how it works.

[Informed101]

Yes......I have been thinking about this....and wondering how I got side tracked from where I used to be as a person who would never have tolerated the things this person does.

[Wiseman2]

Therapists have to be diplomatic to both parties. It's not a Jerry Springer blood sport type of thing. Look into someone affiliated with good universities and who specializes in cognitive-behavioral approaches.