Help, I don't know what i am doing

[unluckygal]

I don't feel like myself and i don't know when it got this bad anymore...

I dated this guy for nearly 3 years and I had never dated anyone for so long before, longer than my standard 4 months (and yes, i generally get dumped). Meanwhile so much happened to me... i went down and i lost my self esteem a lot (i also became bald when i was dating him due to alopecia). Things became horrific once his friends really started interfering and he refused to defend me. He said he had previous experiences before when he got involved and it screwed him over, but at the same time... his friends were bullies. And in the end he was on their side. He stopped loving me and even though he says it was because of my attitude (which i only had because his friends are horrible people and i was below his friends in everything), i know it was the constant nagging from his friends to break up with me that did it.

we broke up a couple of months ago but sort of stayed in touch. He was really important to me and before all this went down, I could have sworn we could have been together for life. I had a moment where i thought "he's the one", you know? and well, we had something to talk about and... well, he made a move on me. I tried to keep my distance, he hugged me. I was across the table, he grabbed me and kissed me. I said to him "Look, don't seduce me if you just want to get laid. i deserve better, i deserve us trying again for real" and he said he wanted to try again.... so we had sex and he was his old self around me, you know? before we broke up he wasn't even cuddling me anymore and he did this time! He made the moves, not me.

But the thing is... he's distant. He barely messages, barely talks. I saw him once after that day and he was again all sweet and cuddles and... seductive. I said no to sex this time, made it clear i wanted us to take things slow. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I tried not to message him much but I hate this non-existent state of not knowing.... So i have gone back to the bad habit of texting him more than he does me. my life.

Above all he said he hasn't been on dates. But a friend of mine has been chatting him dating apps to see his reaction and he's pretty damn flirty. Constantly replying to her and ignoring my messages. and seems to be going on dates. What am i to do?

 

All i know is i don't want anyone else. We were fantastic together, when it was just the two of us. we really had great moments and i know, i know, he loved me. What the happened to that? I want it back. I want us back. I want the guy who flirts with me and only me and is sweet and brings ice cream and flowers and makes me laugh by being a burrito undercovers. I want the person who i saw the last couple of times to be like that all the time. Ironically, when we first started dating i didn't think i liked him that much... but now, i can't let him go. he was there for so much, like no one else had been before...

 

I am a mess. Please advise, I don't know what I am doing :(

[DanZee]

You've already figured it out. You got to dump this guy. And you're so emotionally dependent on him that you're willing to accept crumbs from him. That's not right. You dump him and you go no contact. You saw his true nature. He's loving when he wants sex from you and when he figured out he didn't have to be loving to get sex, he stopped being loving. And now he's loving again to get sex, but how long will it last? And after three years of a relationship he still doesn't know what he wants in the relationship with you? I heard Helen Gurley Brown say that if a couple isn't talking about marriage after a year, then the relationship isn't going anywhere. And after three years of your life, you're still in limbo. You're not going to get back the guy in your fantasies. I'm not sure what changed, but I'm thinking he was faking it. You have to move on.

[Hollyj]

The responsibility lies with him, not the friends. he could have chosen to defend you, but he didn't.

 

He is contacting you for sex. Period. Op, this guy has not respected or cared/liked about you, for a long time. If he did, he would have never allowed such treatment. This guy treated you like garbage - still does - and you are waiting for any little crumb he may toss out.

 

For the sake of your health and self worth, go NC and block him. Please see a therapist to move on from this.