Can a relationship change you??????

[SHYGIRL2017]

This might be a strange post but I am starting to feel that my "relationship" is changing who I am.

 

I have been in my relationship for almost 2 years now. things have never really ran smoothly ( I have posted previously) I have always thought I was a nice person, honest, likes to laugh, not argumentative, always wants to spend time with friends etc but I feel I am losing that now. I feel so angry all of the time, I get angry so easily now with things. We argue all the time and a lot of the time I don't think I am wrong but I always end up saying sorry to keep the peace and basically take the blame.

 

I am constantly being accused of lieing. Yeah I have admitted that I have waited to tell him things before because I just didn't want to because I always felt he didn't want me to do it and there would always be some sort of confrontation.

 

I have always been a family girl but I never see them anymore (my partner says he has no issue with me going to see them but I always feel deep down he does but he says its in my head)

 

I hardly ever see my friends anymore. YES I understand when you are in a relationship and living together you cant do this as much but I feel like a hermit. Again he says he has no issue but its got to the stage I feel that guilty about wanting to organise things that I just don't anymore. (Makes me feel like total crap) He does say he only as an issue because we don't go out as much but he has 3 boys and we have them every weekend so you must understand it is difficult??? I am also 9 years younger and was in a relationship from 20 until 27 when I met him so sometimes I do feel like I have missed going out partying etc Is this bad????

 

The past few months have been very difficult financially and I basically had to put all my 30th birthday money into the bank to survive and tried so hard not to spend any money on holiday (mum took me away to the canary island for my birthday) I must say he did tell me when I was away how difficult things were back home which obviously made me super guilty but I got angry again ??? I feel like I resent him because I haven't got to spend any of my birthday money whatsoever, is this really wrong ???? Am I horrible for thinking like this??? I have never been in this financial situation ever before, living month to month. I have always been stable and had savings but its all gone now. I am stressing out constantly and I cant tell my mum because she stresses enough. My cousin died just before I went on holiday so I need money to go to the funeral as well which I have no clue where I will get this from!!!! He is awlays telling me I am immature and need to grow up. Also that I am selfish. I have never thought of myself as selfish before. Ppl that know me will tell you that I always put others before me and that I am one of the least selfish ppl you will ever meet. Am I just not capable of a serious relationship ??? Yes these are words he has used before.

 

I love him and his boys but something inside me feels so different now :( I don't feel like me anymore. Well not around him anyway. Walking on eggshells constantly so I don't "cause any arguments" I honestly don't feel like I am to blame but to me its better to take the blame and let the argument stop than to keep going. He doesn't let go until i agree basically. Well that's how I feel but he sees it totally different.

 

I CONSTANTLY DONT FEEL GOOD ENOUGH EVEN THOUGH HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ALL THE TIME ETC.

 

There is soooooo much more to my story but I just wondered if someone or a relationship is capable of changing who you are???

 

I feel so tired

 

Any advice would be great x

[nutbrownhare]

In answer to your question, yes - abusive relationships CAN change who you are.

 

If you stay in them you will gradually get more and more socially isolated, lose self esteem and become fearful and mistrustful. When people tell you you're selfish/immature/insensitive/incapable of having a serious relationship/insert derogatory term of your choice here... they're telling you in effect that you're not doing what they want you to do. It's always instructive to see who's REALLY being selfish (for example) in situations like this. (Hint - it's not usually the person who's being accused!)

 

Do you actually live together? If so, would it be possible for you to move out?

 

There are many, many online resources about abusive relationships. One of the worst aspects of them is the feeling that you're going crazy, and it can be very affirming to realise you're not.

 

Here's a link you may find helpful, but there are many more:https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

[Liraele]

Yes, relationships can change you. Good relationships change you for the better, though, and it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

 

Sounds like you need to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want. You and this person need to sit down and have a frank conversation, and that conversation may bring to light that you definitely need to part ways, or it may give you a basis to start working through things.

[SHYGIRL2017]

Thank you for your prompt reply.

 

You have hit the nail on the head. my self esteem right now is at an all time low ( I have psoriasis so its not great anyway) I always tell him that I am getting punished because I am not who he wants or I don't do what he expects me to do but he says that's not true and I am always left fighting with myself. Fighting my own feelings.

I always end up talking myself round to his way of thinking (or at least I pretend to) if that makes sense. I think I know deep down im not in the wrong but I just don't wanna keep arguing or have the guts to do anything about it. I know isn't a bad person, I get that but I just never feel food enough even though he says im his world etc to the extent he says he couldn't function when I was on holiday ie couldn't even eat (I think this is crazy) but I get made out as horrible for thinking like that.

 

Yeah we live together (moved in pretty quickly I must admit) I had lost my dad the same year so maybe vulnerable?? I could go back to my mum but I just don't know how to get out. I really feel trapped, its crazy.

 

He always says things like "no one will ever love me like him" and that I complete the family and they would be lost without me etc YES these might be nice things but I feel immense pressure most of the time.

 

Oh and btw that is one the things he says to me when we argue "im crazy" "off my head"

 

Im scared that I have changed too much :( :(

[SHYGIRL2017]

Thank you Liraele

 

Yeah it is definitely not for the best. I feel lost right now. I know I should do that, I have never really been one for sitting down and talking (especially when I think something is wrong)

 

Scared of what might happen I guess. I cant stand hurting people. I know I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else

[DancingFool]

Yes, when you are being abused, manipulated, and gaslighted it can absolutely change your life and turn it upside down precisely to where you are today - walking on eggshells, accepting blame where there is none, questioning your sanity, depression, fear, guilt, etc, etc, etc.

 

No, it's not just in your head that he is controlling you and stopping you from socializing. Look at the mind fck he pulled on you while you were away with our mother. Calling you and whining how difficult it is to make you feel guilty.....and sadly, it worked.... You've been badly brainwashed. He is a grown adult, older than you and a father. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and his children without you. Yet he tries to dump responsibility on you. Frankly, you have no business in being in this relationship, never did. Also, yes, I'm sure there are times when he makes you feel good, little crumbs in a sea of hell and you cling on to them and convince yourself that those crumbs are worth it. They are NOT worth anything. You are drowning and you need to, have to get out of this.

 

I don't know what to say to you other than please find the will to leave him. If there is an abuse hotline you can call, do so. Abuse isn't just physical, it's mostly psychological. Move out, lean on your family and friends. Even if you have lost touch with some, tell them the truth about your abusive relationship and you'll have support. Move in with your parents or a friend if you can, but get out. Most importantly, understand that he'll try absolutely anything to get you back so blocking him from all contact and access to you will be critical. People like him are brilliant manipulators and not just of you, but they can manipulate those around you as well into pitying him and helping him reach you. So it's critical that people around you know the truth and know not to fall for his manipulations and lies. People will help you and protect you from him if you speak up and leave him.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, when you are being abused, manipulated, and gaslighted it can absolutely change your life and turn it upside down precisely to where you are today - walking on eggshells, accepting blame where there is none, questioning your sanity, depression, fear, guilt, etc, etc, etc.

 

No, it's not just in your head that he is controlling you and stopping you from socializing. Look at the mind fck he pulled on you while you were away with our mother. Calling you and whining how difficult it is to make you feel guilty.....and sadly, it worked.... You've been badly brainwashed. He is a grown adult, older than you and a father. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and his children without you. Yet he tries to dump responsibility on you. Frankly, you have no business in being in this relationship, never did. Also, yes, I'm sure there are times when he makes you feel good, little crumbs in a sea of hell and you cling on to them and convince yourself that those crumbs are worth it. They are NOT worth anything. You are drowning and you need to, have to get out of this.

 

I don't know what to say to you other than please find the will to leave him. If there is an abuse hotline you can call, do so. Abuse isn't just physical, it's mostly psychological. Move out, lean on your family and friends. Even if you have lost touch with some, tell them the truth about your abusive relationship and you'll have support. Move in with your parents or a friend if you can, but get out. Most importantly, understand that he'll try absolutely anything to get you back so blocking him from all contact and access to you will be critical. People like him are brilliant manipulators and not just of you, but they can manipulate those around you as well into pitying him and helping him reach you. So it's critical that people around you know the truth and know not to fall for his manipulations and lies. People will help you and protect you from him if you speak up and leave him.

 

Amen to all the above.

[SHYGIRL2017]

Thank you Dancingfool

 

Yeah it is really difficult to live right now. Yeah we can go few days and everything is great but the smallest thing just sets stuff off. Yeah I must admit I was angry that he done that while I was away and he did say sorry but that seed was planted. There was no way I was going to spend that money feeling that guilty (money which is all birthday money I might add) I am not a bad person, I will always try to help and hate to see others down or struggling but I do feel now I have nothing to show for anything.

 

if this is the case then he his first class at it because I always end up feeling like I am to blame. Everything gets twisted round to be being my fault (even if he apologies) if that makes sense. I mean he has never actually said don't go out etc and has even said you should see your mum more but Its got that bad that I actively don't make plans.... just encase there are issues. No matter what the issue we do always argue when I have something planned. He has openly said he doesn't get the "girl time thing" but has no issue with me going out.. then why say that!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you so much, I think I might try to find a phoneline or see someone because I do feel like I am drowning right now.

[SHYGIRL2017]

I always thought I was strong and just couldn't believe I would end up in a situation like this

[DancingFool]

I always thought I was strong and just couldn't believe I would end up in a situation like this

 

I think you are strong in that you are recognizing it for what it is. That's half the battle. The other half of this battle is getting yourself out of this situation and removing him from your life completely and abruptly.

 

Keep in mind also that a large part of manipulation is that it is clever and insidious and slow.... I mean if he plain old told you that you can't go out with your friends, you'd be onto him immediately right? However, picking pointless fights and arguments, seemingly unrelated but always around when you want to go out and socialize, making you feel bad and guilty about it, etc, etc, etc - that's what manipulation is about it. You don't quite notice it's being done and your own defense mechanisms kick in and get used against you. It's conditioning like Pavlov's dogs. You say you want to go out, he picks an argument or guilt trips. Eventually your brain connects the going out with punishment and pain. So you stop going out. He has control, but he can sit there and tell you all day long that you are crazy and it's all in your head because he doesn't actually "prohibit you"....at least not directly anyway. Your feelings of guilt are also conditioned. This means that you will have to do a lot of work on yourself to get unconditioned. The other part of it too is that people like him actually choose their victims carefully - someone who is kind, generous, empathetic, naturally helpful, etc. Makes it easy to engage your good qualities to your own demise because your very own kindness will keep you stuck.

 

Anyway, seeing things, recognizing things for what they are is the first step in the right direction. Leaving him for good is critical.

[SHYGIRL2017]

Yeah I do recognise it but I always seem to talk myself out of it again. Its always my fault. I just keep thinking that he wouldn't be capable of doing this, he loves me right ??? And I don't doubt he does but I just cant shift these feelings I have. I was ok with them until I started to feel like a different person. Ie getting angry very quickly because im so used to an argument etc. I know I am not doing the things I want to do. I just always feel like its wrong to do them and that's it not fair on him. Don't me wrong some arguments happening at the moment I probably don't help with because I get so angry but I am just so used to it I think.

 

Yeah when you put it like that it really does make sense. I am connecting my own dots and trying my best to prevent all the arguing from happening.

 

I did walk away for a week and I did speak to friends and family (didn't go down too well) I had it in my head I wasn't staying But when I went back yet again it was made out that I take everything the wrong way and that I cause most of it. So then I felt forced to tell my friends that I wasn't totally real but to be honest I couldn't because I knew it wasn't true. But at my 30th birthday party he spoke to my friends and told them otherwise and she has txt me to talk about it but I am so embarrassed that I am putting up with this that I don't even want to speak to her. I have been 100% truthful with her. I do feel I have been forced to take the blame.

 

I know I have to get out, I just don't know how to. His boys call me stepmum and I do love them all so much.

[DancingFool]

You get out by simply leaving. Cold turkey. Getting out of an abusive relationship is a lot like quitting an addiction. The sure fire way isn't gradual, it's cold turkey and sheer will power.

 

This means that you make arrangements quietly. When he is not around, you leave without a forwarding address so to speak. You also block him immediately from any and all access. Change your phone number. Change your e-mail address. Block him from all your social media and lock down access. Meaning that nobody can contact you except the friends you already have on it. Probably a good idea to take a break from social media anyway and leave it alone for a few months at least.

 

Please please talk to your friends. They know you are in trouble. They want to help. You have no idea how painful it is to watch your friend suffer in an abusive relationship and feel helpless to do anything about it. You are dying to help, but until your friend decides to get out for good, all you can do is stand by and it's a nightmare. Been there, done that. Please don't be embarrassed. Your friends aren't judging you, they are hurting on your behalf and they do care about your well being. They have been watching you changing, losing your spark for a long time.

 

There are also a lot of resources online about emotional abuse. Please read up - it might help you realize that you are not alone, that it is not your fault, and that he really IS that evil. There is no love here, he is using you and it's cold and calculated. Never ever confuse an abusive user with love.

[SHYGIRL2017]

I cant just leave. Well I mean there are issues to deal with. Yes I have somewhere to go but he knows where it is and we have shared direct debits so there will be a link until they are finally paid off ie a car and furniture (yes I was stupid and put things in my name because I have the best credit score) :( :( Got myself into a horrible situation here.

 

Yeah I do totally understand that, I know they want to help and yeah they have used those exact words "lost my spark" I am normally bright and bubbly.

 

Just so difficult to get my head around, its like I know what to do but just don't have the guts to go and do it