Don’t know what to do anymore

[Sk8rgirly]

Okay this may sound dramatic, but I will start by saying that this issue has come up many times. It’s not a huge deal but enough to bother me. My boyfriend and I for the most part either hang out kind of last minute, or because I will initiate a day for us to do something. Otherwise it’s just because we are going to an event or something that already has a set date. But for example, today, we were supposed to go snowboarding. The conditions ended up not being good so we agreed not to go. Every time plans like this fall through, I suggest that we do something else or I come over or something. But I’m getting tired of being the only one to say something, because I know that if I don’t say anything we just won’t hang out.

And don’t get me wrong, he treats me great. We get along super well and for the most part we never argue... unless it’s about something like this because I’ve told him before it bothers me. Every time, he says he’ll work on making plans and being better about it. But yet again here we are, and nothing. He’s just such an oblivious guy that I really don’t think he realizes he’s doing it, but if he really cared about what I’ve told him (and cared about really seeing me) i think By now he would get it. The last time I told him “if this keeps happening I just can’t keep doing this because I can’t keep feeling like I’m the only one putting in effort to hang out.” I have tried to accept that we also are just different in this aspect. He’s a recluse and in any kind of relationship has never been the one to initiate things because he likes to just be by his self. It’s just the kind of person that he is. And I’m the kind of person who doesn’t mind spending a lot of time together. But don’t get me wrong it’s not like I push him to hang out with me all the time. We do have good amount of time away from one another.

 

So I’m at a cross road. I’m not good at doing this, but I was thinking I should just stop initiating things. Even though I want to see him I think maybe I should just let him see how he’s always making me feel. Idk if that sounds like I’m playing games or something but I legitimately think it would just make him understand; If I blew him off every once in awhile and let him be the one to ask to hangout.

If that doesn’t work, how do I give him an ultimatum? Because we have had this conversation so many times. And I’m just getting tired of feeling this way. I really don’t want to have to break up, I love him so much and we just go together so well. I just don’t know what to do about this recurring little issue..

[Wiseman2]

So what if you make the plans? Perhaps you're better at it. Does he blow you off or want to see you? Do this not for revenge but so that he can step up:

I was thinking I should just stop initiating things.

[Sk8rgirly]

you’re right that’s a better way of wording it. So he can step up. It just gets tiring being the only one to make plans.

[DancingFool]

Some people just aren't plan makers or initiators. Either you can accept that about him and take charge of making plans or keep growing more and more resentful of who he is until you break up. Don't sh$t test him. It's not going to work or help you in any way. If you want a happy relationship, sometimes it's better that you actually seek to understand AND accept who your partner is, instead of trying to mold them into someone else or hold it against them. If you don't like who he is, then break up.

[maew]

I can relate actually, both to dating someone that doesn't initiate and getting frustrated by it. And, judging by the comments on these forums, so do many, many others. The question is, are all the other aspects of the relationship worth you initiating plans all the time? Does he seem excited and eager when you initiate? Does he follow through on his commitment to your plans? If so, then maybe this trait of his is something you can work on accepting because clearly he is not willing to step up and change that aspect of himself.