5213ryanJ Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 So my story is fairly long, but I have been battling with internal agony and thoughts of suicide. I could really really do with some help. I need to hear from others what I need to do because I nothing I do is helping. I dated my ex for a year and 5 months. She was my first and I hers, first relationship, first love. I feel I should say that I never abused her or treated her wrong, I was crazy for her from day one. Toward the end I was getting lazy because work was tiring and she lived 2 hours away from me. I had moments where I doubted we were working and I spoke to her about it 4 times, she wasnt pleased and had every reason to be, but we stayed together. We went on a holiday a month or two later and it made me realise how incredible she was and I wanted to be with her. After we returned I gave her a gift with a note saying "I love you", it was the first time I said it to her. Now I know its crazy to be with someone and not say it already but we said we'd only say it when we were ready and saying it is more than words to me. That same night she wanted to tell me she felt we had an expiration date, that she felt I wasnt the one. We decided to break up, yet for 4 weeks we were talking more than before and we were opening up more than before. We were talking about getting back together again. But... after 4 weeks I was at a party and a friend asked me how she was doing (not knowing we had broken up). I got depressed, angry at myself for letting this happen. I decided to drink (Im not a drinker) and I got really drunk, upon hearing of our split a girl from my uni I believe took advantage of my drunk state and we ended getting into bed together. Once I became aware of my actions I stopped it and left, running down the street. I phoned my ex a few hours later and told her we needed to meet. That same night I told her in person what had happened and how sorry I was, that I wanted her back and that it was completely out of character for me to do this. She needed time to process this and told me she'll talk to me in a week. We spoke and she told me that she's not saying no to getting back together but not now. I felt more alone than ever. I spoke to her over the phone several times emotional about what I did to her and that I was sorry. That she was the only person I love. She and I met up for a movie every now and then, the one time I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she told me she was on tinder and had gone out clubbing and kissed a guy. I tried to handle it but it hurt so much. I had been organising her surprise 21st and held it for her a few months later. Shes vegan and for her birthday gift I sponsored two baby cows in her name, she was able to go see them whenever she wanted to. She loved all of it, everything seemed to be going good, she would still say "not now but maybe" and would usually brush off the topic. But due to my jealousy I lied to a friend and she found out and that upset her. Due to that she decided to do a month of no contact. I wasnt ready for it. I become more unhappy, depressed and confused. I didnt know what was going on, did she mean it when she said maybe? I constantly saw her going out clubbing and it made me crazy thinking she was kissing other people. I asked a few of my close friends if she was seeing anyone and they told me it was none of my business, but they told her I was asking about her. Thats when I became suicidal, I was trying everything to get her to give me chance and nothing seemed to work. We eventually met after the no contact. It was weird but fine at the same time. It was so good seeing her again, I couldnt stop noticing how beautiful she was and how great it was to be around her again. She told me that night after 6 months of me trying to get her back that she doesnt want to get back together with me now or in the future. I was politely asked to leave after that. I drove home in an emotional state. I have never cried so hard in my life. I eventually had to stop at a friends place because I just coudnlt drive anymore. I became suicidal again after that. It been a few months now and we havnt spoken, messaged or called. I had to delete facebook because I couldnt bare the pain of seeing her photos. I am trying to move on as she has but I just cant do it. I saw a picture of her the other day by dumb unfortunate luck and it made me emotional for hours. Since we broke up she has now moved out and closer to me, she has got the job she always wanted (she tried for years to get this type of job but it never came through). These things she always wanted when we were together seem to have happened somewhat magically since we broke up. Good things seem to keep happening to her and I feel like in a way I was holding her back. I know this is all my fault. I know what I did is inexcusable, I still struggle trying to live with it to this day. No one knows I was suicidal. My friends are no longer wanting to talk to me because im not exactly a happy person to be around. I love this girl more than my own life and I miss everything about her. Its been 7 months and im still in love with this girl. If she took me back now I would be the happiest man alive. I cant bare it any longer, the realization that she no longer feels anything for me. It breaks my heart every single day to wake up to this life. It breaks my heart even more to see her happy without me and not caring about me anymore. Please, someone help me. Link to comment
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