need advice

[rose1954]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and lived together for 6 months. Recently I left for a couple days due to family issues "his side"...he immediately got on at least two dating websites. I found this out thru a friend and looked for myself and it was true. I came back of course and we are fine. It bothers me a great deal that he would be able to get back out there so quickly. Although he swears he wants to be with me it is still bothering me. When I asked him about it he says, "well its just something to do to take my mind off things". I knew when we were dating he would get on dating websites when we had problems but now that we are living together it seems very strange to me. In my mind I am questioning the depth of his true feelings. I don't think he is cheating; however he does take day trips to another town once or twice a week but he is always home at night. Has anyone else had this experience and what would be your feelings in this situation.

[Liraele]

You're teaching him that this is OK and acceptable behavior by sticking around.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. No, people do not maintain dating profiles 'to relax'. Seriously, consider if you want to continue with a cheater who has one foot out the door the moment you aren't there.

When I asked him about it he says, "well its just something to do to take my mind off things". I knew when we were dating he would get on dating websites when we had problems. he does take day trips to another town once or twice a week but he is always home at night

[reinventmyself]

The problem with this, is that going fwd you will likely end up walking on eggs shells thinking if you were to do anything remotely out of the ordinary, he'll quickly replace you.

You end up living in fear of the rug being pulled out from beneath you if make a wrong move. Ultimately you will stop being yourself.

It's no way to live.

 

If someone can replace me that easily, he didn't care enough about me to begin with.

[MissCanuck]

Recently I left for a couple days due to family issues "his side"...

What does this mean, exactly?

 

I knew when we were dating he would get on dating websites when we had problems but now that we are living together it seems very strange to me.

I am not sure why this is strange to you, given that he has an established pattern of scoping out other talent. Disappointing and hurtful, yes. But surprising or unexpected? No. Your living arrangements apparently have zero to do with his level of commitment to you.

 

And what does he says he does on these weekly day trips?

 

In any event, he should not be on dating websites. Why have you tolerated it thus far?

[DaisyMayPorter]

When you said you were going out of town for your family “his aide”, does that mean you were helping out his family?

 

And what exactly does he do on these trips? Are they for work, personal, what?

 

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[Imho]

You stated you knew when you were dating he would go on dating websites.

 

Why would you think that would change? That's who he is and what he does. People don't change because their living situation changes.

 

That's like marrying a cheater and hope he/she stops cheating.

 

I've not been in that situation but I definitely would not accept it. It's very disrespectful.

 

You posted this in a different post:

 

I am 63 and female but in my history of dating if it doesn't seem right and something seems off it usually is.

 

Perhaps you should take your own advice.

[catfeeder]

I left for a couple days due to family issues "his side".

 

I don't understand what this means. If it means you fought with his family and left him, then he was free and clear to go onto a dating site, and he probably did it at least partially to spite you.

 

There's a difference between telling someone, "I'm upset with xyz and I want to take some time away to clear my head..." versus taking off in a huff--implying a breakup.

 

People who use breakups to signal their anger learn the consequences of a breakup pretty quickly. So learn the consequences: if you break up, then he's done and will seek someone else. Why is that a surprise to you?