Being with an Only Child/ Interracial/ Time constraint

[Kocik]

Hi guys,

 

I have been processing the situation me and my partner are in and have been having really conflicting thoughts in my head. I think I could really use some advice. I apologize in advance if the way I word things is a bit weird. English is not my first language and I do speak multiple languages, so I do not always express things in the best way.

 

I am a middle child from an Asian family, and he is an only child from a European family. We live in Canada and are both university students. He is in engineering and I am in nursing (we met because we were actually in the same engineering class but I switched into nursing).

 

You can probably guess from what we're in that we are both really busy, and do not have much time for things other than school.

 

In the beginning of the relationship, I tried to do as many things for him as possible (cooking, laundry, cleaning,...etc), but after realizing that I was putting too much stress on myself, I cut down on the number of things I'd do for him. He did not seem to understand why I was so stressed out and said, "I never asked you to do those things for me" when I told him that I did not feel like we were putting equal efforts into the relationship.

 

When we lived together, he would go home to see his parents on weekends and when I asked him to stay for one weekend, he said, "but I see you 5 days of the week". The thing is, we were so busy during weekdays, there was no quality time whatsoever. It was really heartbreaking to realize that he did not even crave spending quality time together.

I do understand that he is the only child and his parents would prefer having him home but would staying for one weekend even hurt that much? My parents live in a different province and I'm lucky if I get to see them every 4 months.

 

At family gatherings at his house (for example Christmas dinner), he would be painfully quiet, and I'm left to try to have conversations with people at least 30 years older than me or his little cousins who are too awkward to even answer my questions. I brought this up to him 2 days ago and he literally said, "I did not feel awkward at the dinners at all, why would you feel awkward? I always just listen to the conversations at the table. If you want a conversation you can join in, why don't you start one? Why do you need me to start one". I was left completely speechless, and had no idea what to say. Isn't it common sense that if you have a guest over at a family event, you are the one responsible to keep your guest comfortable?

 

Are these problems there because we have different backgrounds/ me being a middle child/ him being an only child? And is there even anything I can do about them? Please help. Any input would be appreciated.

[rosephase]

How long have you been together? How is the relationship other than these issues? How old are both of you?

 

Going home every weekend sounds... strange to me. Are his parents in ill health? I would find it odd if I was dating someone who spent every weekend wit their folks and didn't seem to desire more time with me. When did you move in together?

 

The conversation thing seems like a clash in taste more then a clash in culture. Are you okay with his point of view? Family gatherings can be awkward. Some people feel the need to socially take care of their partner when around family. Some people don't.

[Kocik]

Hi Rosephase,

 

Thanks for your input.

 

We've been together for 2 years and 3 months.

I am 26, and he is 21 (my mom believes that the problems exist because he's so much younger than me)....

He used to have problems with his self esteem because I'm going for my 3rd post-secondary degree and he's working on his first, but I eventually talked him out of having self-devaluing thoughts about himself.

 

Things used to go well between us. He was really sweet and did try to give me surprises from time to time. We used to always set aside Friday nights to watch a movie and cook together but that stopped about a year ago. His focus became exclusively on school and internships (typical engineering student. My dad's an engineer too so I know.. and tbh, this is why I left engineering).

 

His parents are healthy, but I think him going home every weekend has something to do with him being Polish. Apparently Polish people are very family oriented, and obedience is a big thing. If his parents want him home, he has to go home. I do get invited to his place, but because I feel awks at his place, I almost always decide to stay home.

We didn't really move in together, but stayed together during a few school terms to save on rent. We lived together for a total of 3 terms.

 

No, I'm not okay with his point of view at all. It made me think he's extremely self-centered. Of course he is comfortable with his own family. But that doesn't mean I am.

 

Tbh, I don't know what to do at this point. The thought of breaking up with him is constantly on my mind.

[Hollyj]

I don't understand him going home every weekend. He is also , sooooooo young!

 

I hope that you are not still playing housekeeper/cook? Is he now doing 50% of the chores? If not, why are you playing such a subservient role?

[Capricorn3]

Tbh, I don't know what to do at this point. The thought of breaking up with him is constantly on my mind.

Go with what your gut is telling you. I think it would be the right thing to do because as things stand right now, I don't see this relationship lasting long term, or being very happy, healthy or successful, (Sorry). He IS very young and I don't think he's the right match for you.

 

I say go with your gut - it's almost always right.

[Kocik]

He is indeed very young...

 

Oh no I stopped doing things for him after he said he never asked me to do those things for him.

And we don't live together anymore. I transferred to a school that's 2 hours away from his.

[Kocik]

Thanks for your input.

 

I agree. I am going to talk to him one last time about all the issues we have and if he still responds the way he always did when I brought our problems up to him, I will most likely end it.