2 months post breakup

[Ollie636]

So here I am, 2 months after my ex girlfriend broke up with me.

I was in a toxic relationship. I know that now. But I still have these thoughts in my mind, everyday, reminding me of the good times we shared together.

2.5 Years I was with her. The first year was amazing. I had been single for just over 3 years before, and had found myself. I was confident and ready to share my life with someone new.

She showed me so much attention, wanted to see as much of me as she could. She made plans for us to go away on weekends, go out with her friends, I felt completely drawn to her.

I should have backed off a little as I felt overwhelmed by all of this attention. That and the fact that she had told me she was the jealous type on our first date.

Then she started opening up to me. Telling me about her ex husband and how she had just told him one day to leave out of the blue. Looking back now, I saw how when he came round when I was at hers to pick up his son, he was always treading on eggshells around her. Her hatred towards him was also plain to see. I asked her why she had married him, and she said she only did so because she thought nobody else would ever want her.

She told me about her ex boyfriend before him, who hit her, who took her eye out with a glass during an argument. Who she went back to time and time again and had 3 children with. Who eventually went to prison for hitting her and then took his own life.

She told me she was ashamed of who she was when she was younger. How she was a bully and used to put people down and start fights all the time.

My past isn't all rosy either, but nothing along her lines whatsoever.

Despite all of this, i fell in love with her. We spent such good times together for the first year, laughed all of the time and I thought I could rescue her from her past and be the perfect partner for her.

My son and I moved into her house after a year of seeing her. I left behind my friends and the town I'd lived in for over 20 years.

We agreed to live together as it seemed the right idea and financially beneficial to each other.

A big mistake as it turned out. I had to take my son back to his school for half of the week, an hour round journey. On top of that, I had a very hectic work schedule. Needless to say, this took its toll on my stress levels, and I started to suffer.

I saw the change in her as soon as I moved in. I wasn't made to feel as it was my home, it was always hers. It was chaotic. 7 people living in a 4 bedroom house. 4 kids over 18 who did nothing to help their mother. Messy, untidy, consuming all of the food and no contribution despite the fact they all had jobs. She didn't seem to mind, and let them do whatever they wanted to do. I was constantly tidying up after them, as I felt it was unfair for her to have to do it all. But no matter what I did, it was never noticed, or I was doing it all wrong. But because I loved her, I put up with it. She started showing hatred towards my son. Telling him off for things he did, but not chastising her kids for the same things. Even telling my parents at my sisters wedding, when she was drunk, that she hated my son.

The drunken version of her was the worst. She would start on me for no reason, tell me it was over or shout and swear at me. Then in the morning, make it all out to be my fault for her behaviour. And, being the mug I was then, because I loved her and was trapped in her home with my son, actually believed it was something I was doing to cause all of this. It was hell, interspersed with moments of love and joy from her.

Looking back now, I can see when she started to withdraw from me. Isolating me from social events, and ignoring me when we did go out.

Eventually I snapped.

We were on holiday back in November, and I was fed up, bored and angry. I got drunk and told her what I thought of her in front of her friends and family.

She told me the next day to get out of her house.

No closure, no reasons for her behaviour, no contact from her bar one text saying she could see no future for us together.

 

I have spent the last 2 months riding a rollercoaster of emotions. At first wanting her back. Then realising I was in a toxic relationship. Grief, anger, depression all the usual feelings. I stupidly sent her a letter telling her what I thought of her and how she needs professional help!

After a month apart, I started to suffer from massive anxiety. The depression set in and I was questioning myself about everything.

I've now started to control my emotions. My son is so much more happy to have his Dad back, even if I am a bit broken at the moment. I've changed my diet, started taking multi vitamins, CBD for my anxiety, joined my local gym, found a house for my son and I to live in, refurnished it. I've held my job down, it was hard to do. Reconnected with my friends and family I'd neglected. And I'm going to receive some counselling in the next few weeks. I've gone a month now with NC on my part.

 

I still think of her every day, and it is hard. Even everything I went through, all the horrible things she did, I can stop thinking about the good times. And the what if's, should I have's, maybe if i'd's. Ruminating is a !

 

This has been a huge wake up call for me. And I know with some time and hard work, I'll come out of this and move on. A better, stronger, smarter, and wiser person than I was before.

I have learned many valuable life lessons form my time with her.

 

I will move on, and I will love again

[monsterdrinker]

I see what your saying, It strange what you actually see once you get out of it right?

But still there's longing lol. Love is a very powerful thing as I have come to see myself lately.

Good luck with the future.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Good for you for being able to get out. You must feel so much happier. I was in a toxic abusive relationship years ago with my daughter’s father, and the proudest moment for me was when I decided to leave him. Despite the bad memories, you must feel a lot happier and healthier.

[SweetGirl28]

You're going through the normal healing process, and there's nothing wrong in wanting her back

or remembering the good times. Be patient, because as time passes, the negative aspects of the

relationship will be in the forefront of your mind. The way she treated and talked about your son

can be used as your motivating factor to completely leave this in the past.

[sputnik123]

Hi Ollie,

 

Sorry to hear what you have been through mate.

 

Firstly, let me tell you, you have definitely come to the right place.

 

I can relate to many things you have said, from 2 relationships in my past.

 

The below sentence does provide you with all the closure you will ever need though;

 

"She started showing hatred towards my son. Telling him off for things he did, but not chastising her kids for the same things. Even telling my parents at my sisters wedding, when she was drunk, that she hated my son".

 

- There are no comebacks or possible reconciliations from this. She does not deserve to be in your life. Please remember this.

 

I fully understand where you are coming from. You were treated badly, yet YOU are the one trying to make amends when it is finished. I have been there. It is maddening, but at the time you just don't want to let it go. Trying to make sense of it all. How could it happen etc.?

 

You are doing many things right now and I applaud you for it.

 

I would strongly advise you to maintain full zero contact with this person. I know it's tough, but it is possible. I have been no contact for nearly 2 months post now (3 months post b/up). My one regret was not starting full NC the minute she finished it via text.

 

I still think of her, every day. She was not a very nice person. She would even admit to that. Love is blind and confusing. It is just the way it is.

 

You will get through this, I promise you.

 

Take care of yourself and your son now, that's all that matters.

 

Come on here whenever you want mate.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[Imho]

Eventually I snapped.

We were on holiday back in November, and I was fed up, bored and angry. I got drunk and told her what I thought of her in front of her friends and family.

She told me the next day to get out of her house.

No closure, no reasons for her behaviour, no contact from her bar one text saying she could see no future for us together.

 

This relationship sounds as though it was very toxic and I applaud you for taking the time to heal.

Feelings for a person doesn't automatically dissipate because the relationship end.

I am confused regarding your statement that there was no closure and no reason for her behavior. You stated you snapped and told her off in front of friends and family. That is closure as well as the reason for her behavior.

There are people that believe it is okay to mistreat others but they can't take it once it is done to them and she sounds like one of those people. She was repeatedly disrespectful to you and your child but once she felt disrespected you had to go.

This is better for you and your son.

[Ollie636]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

I'm feeling better as each day passes, keeping myself busy.

I find mornings the hardest, but as the day progresses my mind locks onto my daily routine and I stop thinking about her.

I'm starting to get used to being on my own again. I'd forgotten what single life was like! I thought my confidence had taken a knock, but I find myself smiling at women when I speak to them and had a good chat with some nice ladies yesterday whilst waiting for an appointment. It feels good to talk to people and not have to suffer jealous nagging from my ex for doing so. I'm starting to feel back in control of my life again.

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

I'm feeling better as each day passes, keeping myself busy.

I find mornings the hardest, but as the day progresses my mind locks onto my daily routine and I stop thinking about her.

I'm starting to get used to being on my own again. I'd forgotten what single life was like! I thought my confidence had taken a knock, but I find myself smiling at women when I speak to them and had a good chat with some nice ladies yesterday whilst waiting for an appointment. It feels good to talk to people and not have to suffer jealous nagging from my ex for doing so. I'm starting to feel back in control of my life again.

 

It is good to talk to people! I talk to strangers often, even if it's at the gas station.

Main reason(other than I'm just friendly by nature) is that you never know who's having a bad day,

and maybe by you saying something, it brightens their spirits a bit. I've had people notice my sadness

who've bought my coffee, etc, and it really is a nice gesture to renew faith in humanity.

 

Feeling in control is empowering. Live for you, make you happy, and the right person will fall for you :)