Career v. Relationship {Need Men Perspectives, All Are Welcome}

[IAmFCA]

And what part of what I wrote indicates to you that I am “waiting” please don’t put words in my

Mouth. I said I am OK with his decision nothing said that I am “waiting” let’s be clear.

 

 

i don't understand this sentence... that's what made me wonder about how you are proceeding:

Looking for options when he has made this clear that right now he wants to focus sounds too needy

[Batya33]

If he wants me back, he will do the necessary work to get me back. It is not automatic that I will take him back without a long discussion about things.

 

People can’t miss what they have in front of them. This is why I have gone NC, for me to focus on me.

 

What is it about yourself you need to "focus" on? Isn't it that you've simply decided not to invest time or emotions in someone who doesn't want a relationship with you right now (whatever the reason?).

[MeiLa]

i don't understand this sentence... that's what made me wonder about how you are proceeding:

 

Ok asking for clarification would help instead of making blanket statements.

[MeiLa]

What is it about yourself you need to "focus" on? Isn't it that you've simply decided not to invest time or emotions in someone who doesn't want a relationship with you right now (whatever the reason?).

 

Again, I think you are over analyzing. The focus on me means simply that I am living my life and not worrying about what he is and is not doing. It means I value myself enough not to beg and plead to be in anyone’s life. I have my own and that’s where my focus is.

[IAmFCA]

And what part of what I wrote indicates to you that I am “waiting” please don’t put words in my

Mouth. I said I am OK with his decision nothing said that I am “waiting” let’s be clear.

 

Ok asking for clarification would help instead of making blanket statements.

 

i didnt make one - i said "i thought you werent waiting" which is not declarative ... though you are correct, i do need to stop and ask questions before I make an interpretation.

 

you didnt answer but maybe

 

did that sentence mean, options to make the rl work? cuz ya, he didnt pursue that so its not an option so yes that would be out of balance. not so much that you would seem needy (who cares) but that you would be violating his boundary

 

anyway

 

youve got this handled.

[MeiLa]

i didnt make one - i said "i thought you werent waiting" which is not declarative ... though you are correct, i do need to stop and ask questions before I make an interpretation.

 

you didnt answer but maybe

 

did that sentence mean, options to make the rl work? cuz ya, he didnt pursue that so its not an option so yes that would be out of balance. not so much that you would seem needy (who cares) but that you would be violating his boundary

 

anyway

 

youve got this handled.

 

Yes, I would never wait on anyone. I don’t necessarily agree with it, but I do respect his decision because at times I have felt the relationship was a distraction but I am not a business owner either, I don’t have the same stressors that he would have. His new business is make or break for him. Not making excuses but I understand. We do have a connection and time will tell If that connection is strong enough to surpass this, then we will see. I honestly think we can get through this, but from what I’ve been told by men because they know how men think and even the men in this forum is that I need to give him that space. If I don’t, he will be resentful that I didn’t allow him to do what he needed to do.

[Batya33]

Again, I think you are over analyzing. The focus on me means simply that I am living my life and not worrying about what he is and is not doing. It means I value myself enough not to beg and plead to be in anyone’s life. I have my own and that’s where my focus is.

 

I don't think so in the least. I was referring to the words you wrote "focus on me" - no analysis - if it works for you to focus on yourself then do it. I just wasn't sure how that related to choosing to shift your focus away from your relationship.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, I would never wait on anyone. I don’t necessarily agree with it, but I do respect his decision because at times I have felt the relationship was a distraction but I am not a business owner either, I don’t have the same stressors that he would have. His new business is make or break for him. Not making excuses but I understand. We do have a connection and time will tell If that connection is strong enough to surpass this, then we will see. I honestly think we can get through this, but from what I’ve been told by men because they know how men think and even the men in this forum is that I need to give him that space. If I don’t, he will be resentful that I didn’t allow him to do what he needed to do.

 

Your words betray many layers which I think is why youre getting so much feedback. When that has been true for me it has been in times of pain and growth, and also the discovery that my idea of reality and actual reality weren't the same... many feelings and ideas crashing together.

 

one example is

People can’t miss what they have in front of them. This is why I have gone NC, for me to focus on me.

 

The first sentence implies NC is to remind him not to take you for granted, to give him a chance to miss you so that he better understands the value of having you around. The second sentence says NC is to invest your energy in yourself.The first reason is in a relationship framework, and its voice is sneaking out despite your commitment to the second thought pattern. It may be worthwhile to reflect on these layers of thoughts and feelings and find resolution for yourself .

 

I do respect his decision because at times I have felt the relationship was a distraction

 

In this example, you give reason for respecting his decision (and I agree, the hours of conversation suggest he may have been taking a vacation from his responsibilities). In fact, his decision isn't subject to your approval, understanding, respect, or analysis. He could give any reason he wants - it was a unilateral declaration that he would no longer pursue a relationship with you. End of ~

 

The desire to respect it, to understand it, to validate it, is consistent with a desire to know that your time together was meaningful . The strength of that desire is reflected in other language, such as

 

I honestly think we can get through this

- "we"? he ended "we"

I need to give him that space.

- its not your choice. he took it.

and

If I don’t, he will be resentful that I didn’t allow him to do what he needed to do.

If this were to occur his resentment would be misplaced because you can't force him to spend his energy on you instead of his business. He would be more accurate to be angry with himself. But that won't be necessary because he asserted himself and refocused his energy. Now you need to do the same.

 

Drop the ideations about his motivations and their validity. What you felt was real. You don't need him to validate that.

 

It also was temporary.

 

Try this: Consider your goals for the future? Can you and you alone make it happen? No? So then, it feels insecure to depend on making that future happen, yes? Better to focus on what you can control.

 

Consider again your future vision. What can you do, every day every week and every month, to make that possible?

 

Found some answers? Focus on THAT. Let go of the future. Define success in terms of these daily/weekly/monthly habits.

 

Practice this letting go and your language will change. You will see that you can let go of him, his reasons, his validity, and enhance your peacefulness, intensity, and security.

[MeiLa]

Your words betray many layers which I think is why youre getting so much feedback. When that has been true for me it has been in times of pain and growth, and also the discovery that my idea of reality and actual reality weren't the same... many feelings and ideas crashing together.

 

one example is

 

 

The first sentence implies NC is to remind him not to take you for granted, to give him a chance to miss you so that he better understands the value of having you around. The second sentence says NC is to invest your energy in yourself.The first reason is in a relationship framework, and its voice is sneaking out despite your commitment to the second thought pattern. It may be worthwhile to reflect on these layers of thoughts and feelings and find resolution for yourself .

 

 

 

In this example, you give reason for respecting his decision (and I agree, the hours of conversation suggest he may have been taking a vacation from his responsibilities). In fact, his decision isn't subject to your approval, understanding, respect, or analysis. He could give any reason he wants - it was a unilateral declaration that he would no longer pursue a relationship with you. End of ~

 

The desire to respect it, to understand it, to validate it, is consistent with a desire to know that your time together was meaningful . The strength of that desire is reflected in other language, such as

 

- "we"? he ended "we"

- its not your choice. he took it.

and

If this were to occur his resentment would be misplaced because you can't force him to spend his energy on you instead of his business. He would be more accurate to be angry with himself. But that won't be necessary because he asserted himself and refocused his energy. Now you need to do the same.

 

Drop the ideations about his motivations and their validity. What you felt was real. You don't need him to validate that.

 

It also was temporary.

 

Try this: Consider your goals for the future? Can you and you alone make it happen? No? So then, it feels insecure to depend on making that future happen, yes? Better to focus on what you can control.

 

Consider again your future vision. What can you do, every day every week and every month, to make that possible?

 

Found some answers? Focus on THAT. Let go of the future. Define success in terms of these daily/weekly/monthly habits.

 

Practice this letting go and your language will change. You will see that you can let go of him, his reasons, his validity, and enhance your peacefulness, intensity, and security.

 

I really appreciate your feedback but I wish you would stop over analyzing what I am saying. If you are not a man, no disrespect, but you can’t really tell me what a man thinks and feels. I come from a family of a lot of brothers and have asked their opinion on the matter. Many of the men in this forum have given me perspective as well which I appreciate from a man’s point of view. I asked the men because I needed that viewpoint.

 

I don’t have to defend my feelings to anyone but what I will say is this. When I said that people can’t miss what they do not have, that is very true. You teach people how to treat you. The NC is not to prove anything to him it is FOR ME, to focus on me.

 

Also, me saying that I respect his decision is not saying that he owes me anything or that he HAS to, it is just me saying I respect what he is trying to do with his life. My career is established and I am doing well. There is a lot that I haven’t put in this forum for privacy reasons. But, I said the resentment would be toward me and himself if he foregoed his business and lost everything.

 

I don’t know how many times I have to say that I am fine with things. Sometimes people can’t do everything at once with their career and relationship because it comes too much. I really asked for a simple advice which I received from the guys about how men think and even some things from the women. But you’re not a therapist and I’m not here to be analyzed. Point blank.

[MeiLa]

And we I said “we” can get through this I didn’t mean as a backtrack to his decision, I meant possibly that this may be fixable should WE (meaning me and him) as mature adults decide the relationship is what we want to do.

[Batya33]

I understand that to you a goal of NC is to focus on yourself. Others find a way to focus on themselves -self-care, whatever ,simultaneously with being in a committed relationship. I didn't see the connection you drew which is why I asked the question.

 

I don't think you asked for simple advice at all.

[MeiLa]

I understand that to you a goal of NC is to focus on yourself. Others find a way to focus on themselves -self-care, whatever ,simultaneously with being in a committed relationship. I didn't see the connection you drew which is why I asked the question.

 

I don't think you asked for simple advice at all.

 

No that’s fine to ask the question. It just some have analyzed my feelings like they are doctors or therapist. Asking me how I feel is one thing but telling me what I meant is another, not necessarily directed at you but just a thought.

 

My point is men know men and how they think women aren’t men and can’t speak for what a man thinks.

[Batya33]

No that’s fine to ask the question. It just some have analyzed my feelings like they are doctors or therapist. Asking me how I feel is one thing but telling me what I meant is another, not necessarily directed at you but just a thought.

 

My point is men know men and how they think women aren’t men and can’t speak for what a man thinks.

 

I could not disagree more that people of the same gender are somehow "better" at knowing what you're referring to. It's an individual thing especially when it comes to romantic relationships and commitment. Certainly women know what a period cramp feels like better than a man but beyond those purely biological differences I vehemently disagree. Obviously if you want to rely on that mindset that's totally your choice!

[MeiLa]

I could not disagree more that people of the same gender are somehow "better" at knowing what you're referring to. It's an individual thing especially when it comes to romantic relationships and commitment. Certainly women know what a period cramp feels like better than a man but beyond those purely biological differences I vehemently disagree. Obviously if you want to rely on that mindset that's totally your choice!

 

I do. I would take it you’re a woman and that’s fine. We won’t turn this into a debate. It was a reason why I directed this specifically to men. I am not interested in engaging in the back and forth though. Thanks.

[Batya33]

I do. I would take it you’re a woman and that’s fine. We won’t turn this into a debate. It was a reason why I directed this specifically to men. I am not interested in engaging in the back and forth though. Thanks.

 

LOL yes I'm a woman and my gender has nothing to do with my opinion. Not looking to debate either - was just responding to your surprising opinion. I believe you wrote that all opinions are welcome not just men's. Good luck!

[MeiLa]

LOL yes I'm a woman and my gender has nothing to do with my opinion. Not looking to debate either - was just responding to your surprising opinion. I believe you wrote that all opinions are welcome not just men's. Good luck!

 

I did write that and I have nothing wrong with a woman’s opinion, but you really don’t know more than I have written here and you don’t know my life. I am secure in who I am and don’t have to justify every action or feeling to a stranger. Have a good day.

[Batya33]

I did write that and I have nothing wrong with a woman’s opinion, but you really don’t know more than I have written here and you don’t know my life. I am secure in who I am and don’t have to justify every action or feeling to a stranger. Have a good day.

 

Never asked you to- neither did anyone else and never presumed to know more than you've written or know your life -not sure where you got that from. Just responded to your opinion that only men can know what men are thinking. Good luck!

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.