Career v. Relationship {Need Men Perspectives, All Are Welcome}

[MeiLa]

I basically got out of that that I need to leave him alone to do what he needs to do

[Batya33]

I basically got out of that that I need to leave him alone to do what he needs to do

 

Yes but decide how long you are ok waiting around and how that works with your general goals including marriage goals if you have any. I don't think there is a career vs. relationship in general other than in very unusual situations -like when someone has to go overseas for a long period of time. Couples constantly have to juggle all sorts of responsibilities and demands that shift the time they can spend together either temporarily or for longer periods of time. People who want the relationship don't take the exit door just because of typical time limitations. Think about whether you're ok with him reacting this way to other inevitable time-intensive situations. For most of my adult life I've had crazy work and school schedules (I am in my 50s) and only dated men with similar schedules. We made it work and didn't throw in the towel or see it as career vs relationship.

[MeiLa]

Thank you for your response. First, I need to clarify that I am not “waiting”, I am giving him the space that he is asking for. This isn’t the typical career v relationship, he is a new business owner who is in the red with his business. If this doesn’t work for him he really has nothing to fall back on. I also have a career as well. We all handle situations different and if we got back together, we would have a serious talk because I am not a revolving door. Knowing him I think he is super stressed doesn’t have money and doesn’t want to take it out on me. But, I’m never waiting around and stopping my life. When he comes back, as most exes do, and I am a great woman, we can discuss us if I am still available.

[Batya33]

Thank you for your response. First, I need to clarify that I am not “waiting”, I am giving him the space that he is asking for. This isn’t the typical career v relationship, he is a new business owner who is in the red with his business. If this doesn’t work for him he really has nothing to fall back on. I also have a career as well. We all handle situations different and if we got back together, we would have a serious talk because I am not a revolving door. Knowing him I think he is super stressed doesn’t have money and doesn’t want to take it out on me. But, I’m never waiting around and stopping my life. When he comes back, as most exes do, and I am a great woman, we can discuss us if I am still available.

 

Yes and to me it is fairly typical in long term relationships to have significant changes in career, financial situations, etc - it's part of the "for better or for worse" -experienced a number of them myself. Yes it's true that we all handle situations differently and what I wrote had nothing to do with that -it was how you, as an individual, plan to react - by giving him space does that mean that you can't date others? Can he date others? When does he plan to see you and how often? And is that ok with you? For how long? If I misunderstood and it's simply that he is now your ex and he can come back and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it well sure -that's obvious and makes good sense. I thought that somehow you were putting your life on hold where he wouldn't be spending time with you for an open ended period of time.

[MeiLa]

Yes and to me it is fairly typical in long term relationships to have significant changes in career, financial situations, etc - it's part of the "for better or for worse" -experienced a number of them myself. Yes it's true that we all handle situations differently and what I wrote had nothing to do with that -it was how you, as an individual, plan to react - by giving him space does that mean that you can't date others? Can he date others? When does he plan to see you and how often? And is that ok with you? For how long? If I misunderstood and it's simply that he is now your ex and he can come back and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it well sure -that's obvious and makes good sense. I thought that somehow you were putting your life on hold where he wouldn't be spending time with you for an open ended period of time.

 

Well I consider “space” to be just that, space meaning a break up. If he needs to focus on his business right now, then he doesn’t get the luxury of having wifey privileges.

[Batya33]

Well I consider “space” to be just that, space meaning a break up. If he needs to focus on his business right now, then he doesn’t get the luxury of having wifey privileges.

 

Of course! Good for you! If he comes back just decide if you're ok with a long term response like this to life's inevitable changes - our life has been a rollercoaster in that way so I can relate in that sense.

[MeiLa]

Of course! Good for you! If he comes back just decide if you're ok with a long term response like this to life's inevitable changes - our life has been a rollercoaster in that way so I can relate in that sense.

 

Thanks. No, I wouldn’t be OK with long term responses to life’s inevitable changes. This would be the purpose of the talk. I understand we handle stressors different and I would give the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to a mistake. But, he would have to decide what he wants to do. Right now, I am NC so I am not calling him. You wanted “space” to “focus” you got it buddy. But, it stops nothing over here. I got to live.

[Batya33]

Thanks. No, I wouldn’t be OK with long term responses to life’s inevitable changes. This would be the purpose of the talk. I understand we handle stressors different and I would give the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to a mistake. But, he would have to decide what he wants to do. Right now, I am NC so I am not calling him. You wanted “space” to “focus” you got it buddy. But, it stops nothing over here. I got to live.

 

Love your attitude. Give him twice the space he claims to need. Good luck!

[MeiLa]

Love your attitude. Give him twice the space he claims to need. Good luck!

 

LOL. Thank you! Exactly, he’s getting it. I wasn’t going to beg and plead. I said “OK, I wish you all the best.” I didn’t even cry atleast not with him on the phone. So, now he can wonder what I am doing and his mind can wonder. Oh well, that’s life. But, one person stops no show over here. All of my friends said he will be back. LOL.

[MeiLa]

I also think sometimes women are too accommodating. We can’t allow people to walk in and walk out of our lives. But, I agree that he needs to get his finances straight. Stability is important to me. I’ve seen way too many threads where women are giving men the milk without buying the cow. Please! We can’t do this ladies.

[ControlDenied]

THANK YOU! When I say NC, I mean that when he calls, I will be supportive. Now, that doesn’t mean I am going to answer his first call like I don’t have a life or put mine on hold, but I am not resentful. I have my own career and goals for betterment as well that I am working on. Women cannot be too available and you are right I am not his mother or his therapist. He’s asked for space to worth through his issues. I believe the best thing to give someone is what they ask for and it’s a sign of respect and maturity. So NC means I won’t be contacting him. Radio silence.

 

But you don’t get the benefits of a relationship without being in one. It’s all about self worth. I know mine and he will know it too.

 

We are in agreement. But also remember that is not about giving what the other person asks for. Is about you developing your own mental model of your partner so that he doesn’t need to ask. Is a bit of an art. Him not asking doesn’t mean he does not need. Of course none of it means you need to neglect yourself. You need to respect yourself first before all.

[MeiLa]

We are in agreement. But also remember that is not about giving what the other person asks for. Is about you developing your own mental model of your partner so that he doesn’t need to ask. Is a bit of an art. Him not asking doesn’t mean he does not need. Of course none of it means you need to neglect yourself. You need to respect yourself first before all.

 

I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you are saying.

[journeynow]

Thank you! I really appreciate the response. I am taking it personally. But, the reason that I said going NC is because I want to respect his wishes and also his boundaries.

 

Did he break up with you, or just say he needs space to focus on his business? If you are answering his calls and being "supportive" at those times, I would not call that NC. He calls the shots, determines the nature of the relationship, if it proceeds or not. Is that what you want? I would use this time to decide what you want, not just emotionally, but practically, in a relationship. It is understandable he needs to focus on his business, and that might take his all, and this could be the case into the future. He may be able to be in a relationship now and then, but not consistently, who knows? My advice is to work through what you want long-term in a relationship. If you are "the one", can you have boundaries about the relationship? How much limbo are you willing to live with? While he is taking space, what are you doing to fill that space? Can you commit to something supportive for you? I understand he doesn't know when he'll have more time, but this might just be his style of operation.

[MeiLa]

Did he break up with you, or just say he needs space to focus on his business? If you are answering his calls and being "supportive" at those times, I would not call that NC. He calls the shots, determines the nature of the relationship, if it proceeds or not. Is that what you want? I would use this time to decide what you want, not just emotionally, but practically, in a relationship. It is understandable he needs to focus on his business, and that might take his all, and this could be the case into the future. He may be able to be in a relationship now and then, but not consistently, who knows? My advice is to work through what you want long-term in a relationship. If you are "the one", can you have boundaries about the relationship? How much limbo are you willing to live with? While he is taking space, what are you doing to fill that space? Can you commit to something supportive for you? I understand he doesn't know when he'll have more time, but this might just be his style of operation.

 

I’ve known that he has been in the red for a while and struggling with the business. He told me that he needed to focus on his business completely. I get it because he wants it to succeed and there is a lot at stake. Space to me to focus means breaking up to me. If you are taking space to focus that means that you don’t have the time to invest in our relationship. So, the translation to me is breaking up. I gave him his space to focus. I have not spoken to him. No, I won’t be taking his calls and being “supportive” because if you need space to focus you need to focus. He didn’t ask me for support he asked for space to focus on his business. So no, he is not calling the shots because I have taken control of myself.

 

Whatever the reason, I feel if someone doesn’t want to be or can’t be in a relationship, you don’t beg and plead them. You don’t get out of pocket. You give them what they have asked for. I have gone NC because I have not called, texted or connected in any way. I figure this time apart will allow him to see that I am not waiting on him. If I am truly “the one” as he says, he will get it together and figure out how he can successfully juggle both things. I would be there to support him. But, if I am calling him, he can’t miss me. He needs to feel me completely out of his life to figure out what he wants. My friends, specifically my guy friends and family, said he will be back. He’s probably wondering what I am doing and his mind is spinning. But, nevertheless, I am not sitting around waiting. If he called me today, I wouldn’t take him back. We would have to have a long talk and take it slow.

 

I have a career and a great group of friends so I have kept myself busy. I love him and I know he loves me, but hard times are apart of life. So, Id make it clear this is unacceptable if we were to reconnect.

 

He has told me that he doesn’t want to lose the relationship because I would be hard to find. I think he’s under a lot of pressure. But, that doesn’t negate the fact that he needs to get it together. He needs to realize that I won’t be waiting around for him. Yes, it hurts to be pushed away and pushed out when I could be there. But, we all have stress and deal with it differently. I have respect enough for him to allow him the space that he needs because his business is all that he has. I have enough respect for myself to know what I want and need. Hopefully, when he comes to his senses, it won’t be too late. But, that’s the chance he’s taken, right?

[journeynow]

Thanks. I misunderstood when you said "THANK YOU! When I say NC, I mean that when he calls, I will be supportive." I thought that meant you'd be answering his calls.

I understand his position, and I understand yours, too. However, the way he has chosen to handle it is important, IMO.

[MeiLa]

Thanks. I misunderstood when you said "THANK YOU! When I say NC, I mean that when he calls, I will be supportive." I thought that meant you'd be answering his calls.

I understand his position, and I understand yours, too. However, the way he has chosen to handle it is important, IMO.

 

No, I won’t be answering his call as what do you mean the way he has chosen to handle it?

[ControlDenied]

I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you are saying.

 

I’m saying: “him not asking, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t need it”. In a quality relationship those things sometimes you ask for it and other times you simply know your partner needs/wants it.

[journeynow]

what do you mean the way he has chosen to handle it?

 

Despite his not wanting to "lose the relationship" his is in fact willing to turn his back on it to manage his business, which IS the way he manages his business. I'm not sure if I'm making that clear. Actions speak louder than words. He didn't ask to come together to find a way to make this work for both of you while allowing him to focus on his business during a crisis. It seems he doesn't see a way to solve the glitch for the relationship together.

 

We had an intense connection and talked to each other all of the time (hours upon hours).

 

There are options for giving him more time to focus on business without dropping the relationship altogether. But it doesn't sound like he suggested that TOGETHER you look for options.

[MeiLa]

Despite his not wanting to "lose the relationship" his is in fact willing to turn his back on it to manage his business, which IS the way he manages his business. I'm not sure if I'm making that clear. Actions speak louder than words. He didn't ask to come together to find a way to make this work for both of you while allowing him to focus on his business during a crisis. It seems he doesn't see a way to solve the glitch for the relationship together.

 

 

There are options for giving him more time to focus on business without dropping the relationship altogether. But it doesn't sound like he suggested that TOGETHER you look for options.

 

I think you are reading too much into it. Are you a man or a woman? I’m OK with him taking his time, he needs to focus on what he needs to focus on. Looking for options when he has made this clear that right now he wants to focus sounds too needy.

[journeynow]

Looking for options when he has made this clear that right now he wants to focus sounds too needy.

If HE looked for options it would be too needy? Of who?

 

I think you missed my point.

[IAmFCA]

I think you are reading too much into it. Are you a man or a woman? I’m OK with him taking his time, he needs to focus on what he needs to focus on. Looking for options when he has made this clear that right now he wants to focus sounds too needy.

 

I thought you weren't waiting

[MeiLa]

I thought you weren't waiting

 

And what part of what I wrote indicates to you that I am “waiting” please don’t put words in my

Mouth. I said I am OK with his decision nothing said that I am “waiting” let’s be clear.

[MeiLa]

If HE looked for options it would be too needy? Of who?

 

I think you missed my point.

 

HE obviously wants to focus on what HE needs to focus on and I am OK with that. I didn’t miss your point. You missed mine. I’m OK with his decision and if I am available if and when he gets things together then so be it. Financial stability is important. I won’t be taking care of him so he needs to handle his business. Reading is fundamental, I am not going back and forth on these responses.

[MeiLa]

I would like to be very clear on something. I respect his decision about what he wants to do with his life. We did not end on a bad note. I will not discuss our ages, but what I will say is that we are old enough where people should be settled into their careers and established. He is trying to hold onto the one thing that he has left. I respect that and I will tell you why. Because no one knows what the future will hold. I don’t ever want to hold a man back because he would naturally resent me.

 

Sometimes, it is about respecting someone’s right to choose what they want and need to do at the moment. I think him taking the time to focus on his business and get his money up is important. I don’t want him taking his stress out on me.

 

I am not the typical woman on here crying and devastated over a break up. I have not made myself available to him and I am certainly not waiting on him. If he gets himself together, and I am in the place where I want to entertain a reconciliation, I will but in life there are no guarantees.

[MeiLa]

If he wants me back, he will do the necessary work to get me back. It is not automatic that I will take him back without a long discussion about things.

 

People can’t miss what they have in front of them. This is why I have gone NC, for me to focus on me.