Broken2009 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Hi Everyone, wishing everyone a very prosperous year and thank you in advance for "hearing" me out I had one of my best years, emotionally, personally and career wise. I was emotionally healthy and free and it felt amazing the whole time as I have been through some major challenges with the fairer sex and asserting myself resulting in disappointment (hence my user name that dates back to 7-8 years) Well alas, about a 2 months ago I met someone - we went out, had really good times. Likely 8-9 dates, slept together (my performance wasn't up to my standard which bothers me) - however things were going good. A few days later - i basically got blind-sided when one night, the night prior came up and it was discovered that she had been on a date the night prior. We had no conversations of being exclusive and this goes back to me not self-asserting myself so she's in the clear I was just really surprised and caught off guard for some reason. I left somewhat abruptly however we agreed to continue see where things went with us and pick things back up in the new year - I've somewhat kept my distance since then however we've been in contact and got a really nice new years text from her and it brought me right back to square one of feeling like it woulud still be possible - expecting something different than the past couple of weeks and well, it's the same. I responded with something similar and since there has been limited contact and in complete limbo Coming to terms that it's basically over and don't plan on initiating contact - I really just want to avoid hurt to be honest. I had a panic attack relative to this situation New Years day after SUCH a good new years eve and Holiday Break. I know messages will flood in about cutting my losses, and the person I speak to professionally every once in awhile has recommended perhaps I ask if she sees this going anywhere (I know the answer to this based on behaviour) The latest move on her part, is sending her new number to 9-10 people all at once vs a personal note to me. It's just such a shame I was doing so well in 2017 and got caught in YET another limbo situation after avoiding them for nearly a year. this time is a bit different because we were actually dating. Thanks for letting me vent - wish everyone a prosperous 2018 Link to comment
DaisyMayPorter Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Maybe I'm missing something, but I think you are being too negative about this and not seeing the glass half full. Honestly, I think it was good that she was being honest with you about being on a date. Maybe it was her way of indirectly asking if you two were exclusive and maybe she wanted to see if you wanted to be exclusive with her. And as for you having "limited contact" since the New Years text, New Years eve was only Sunday, not too long ago... maybe you should call her and see if she'd like to go out again? Then, if things go well, maybe mention if she would like to be exclusive? Go for it! Link to comment
maew Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 The limbo situation is 50% on you. You say you want to be assertive, yet with her you have been rather passive and avoided talking about how you feel. If you don't want limbo anymore, you need to do your part. Yes it's not easy being vulnerable and risking rejection, but this is the only way to know what is really going on with another person... and in my experience I have usually had good results by talking about how I feel, even if I don't get the outcome I want. I don't see how you could know for certain it's over with her, it's fine if you don't want to pursue but don't assume what she is thinking or feeling... if you are being passive she probably doesn't think you are all that interested. And just an FYI... I don't go on 8 or 9 dates with someone I am not interested in! But I would pull back from a guy that was being passive with me and not communicating. Food for thought. Link to comment
Broken2009 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 You're right - at some point I do need to just man the heck up and call her and see whats up. Was going to let her initiate the hang outs based on how things have been - She has my number clearly haha if she wants to pursue things she knows where to reach me. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 That's just the thing - you don't know what she is actually thinking. You are actively sabotaging yourself by making an awful lot of negative assumptions instead of communicating clearly with people. You assumed that you are exclusive instead of talking about it. You assume that she isn't that into you just because she went on a date with someone else. You assume that there is no future just because..... The because is really because of how YOU are reacting and acting. Pulling back, going cold and weird, etc, etc, etc. You are making a negative assumption and then acting on it. Stop it. Ask relevant questions. Just do it. You'll learn very quickly how much easier and more pleasant life is when you simply talk. I'm sure your fear is that if you ask, you'll get rejected. Well....good. Wait what? Think about it. By not asking what are you really doing? Living in this anxiety and uncertainty and you've got to admit that it's painful and miserable. Ask. You have a 50/50 chance that either she wants to carry on and date you and see where things go or she is done. Either way, you'll have clarity, relief and direction on what to do. No more anxiety, uncertainty and pain. Communication = peace of mind. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Rule 1, if you dont want to know, don't ask. Rule 2, keep your eyes on your goal. Rule 3, never compete. you are you and there is only one of you. you took yourself off the playing field when you got scared. wanting someone is scary if success is defined as "they choose me!" because we can't control anyone else. but we can define success as "making my intentions clear and investing appropriately to see if this works" If you did that, then you succeeded. (why not try it?) Link to comment
DanZee Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I think you got way too jealous over her going out with another guy. You guys were dating. Dating. Even though you slept with her, you weren't exclusive. You don't have the right to get that jealous over her going out. And now, apparently, you're sulking because you're hurt about her going out with someone else. If you can't handle being a mature adult, then don't date. But if you can pull yourself together and face the situation, tell yourself to stop being jealous and possessive, and if you like this girl, as her out on a date! Stop fooling around with texting and Facebook and so on. Relationships require face-to-face interchanges. Use texts for alerts like "I'm running late." Or "I miss you." Don't use it for dating. Link to comment
JessicaJones84 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I feel I understand where you are coming from OP. I can relate to your way of thinking, I've been there so many times. I agree fully with the responses you've had. It's time to communicate and not make negative assumptions about other's feelings. Take the risk, it could pay off big time and help develop confidence. Link to comment
Broken2009 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 Easy man - I said she was in the clear on going on a date with someone else. Jealousy isn't the issue here - it's communication. I also mentioned and said that we never had a talk about being exclusive But noted - yes I agree I should be mature and set up a date with her. Link to comment
Broken2009 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 Thank you JessicaJones84! I agree with everyone on this thread. I need to be upfront and assertive in seeing her again Link to comment
DaisyMayPorter Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Do it today! Let us know how it goes. I'm sure it will go well. And I agree with maew - I don't go on 8 or 9 dates with someone I am not interested in! Link to comment
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