Something New

[TeganCacey]

OK, so, nearly 8 years ago, when I was still at University, young, impulsive and very very drunk, I had a one night stand with a much older guy I'd only met twice before - call him Noel.

This resulted in Cian - our gorgeous son!

Noel & I have never tried to be 'together'. We aren't really that attracted to one another & our lives are very different. I work for the Met & live in central London, he runs his own environmental charity in Surrey. Plus, the age difference is 20years, so our tastes for most things never match up. We both said at the beginning & maintained that it wasn't worth trying to be a traditional family. He was the first to bring up not wanting a relationship, which was a relief to me because I thought I knew his true mind.

Despite this, Noel has ALWAYS been a fantastic father. He currently has Cian 3 weekends out of 4 and also turns up for every football game, school play, parents evening, you name it. He has never missed a thing, despite his heavy work shedule. We even go away on holiday together & spend birthdays as a 'family'. He tries his best to keep up with the other Dads even though he is older. He adores our little boy & Cian worships him.

He is also very supportive of me. I am pretty self-sufficient for money, but he has never lets us go without anything. We've never had need to put a legal child support plan in place. He has also, at times, supported me emotionally - when I had some issues at work & when my best friend died a couple of years ago.

All in all, he is a brilliant guy, but we've just never clicked on a higher level.

 

Because I've been busy working & raising Cian, I hadn't actually dated anyone else since I met Noel (he has had a few short-lived relationships, but never got very far, but that seems to mirror his love life BEFORE he met me too, he is an eternal bachalor type) until about 18months ago.

Purely by chance, whilst walking the dogs, I met a wonderful guy - call him Andrew. We hit it off immediately & despite my initial fear, we began dating. We have fallen in love. I never thought it would happen for me, so Im so happy.

I told Noel about Andrew after a few weeks & he was happy for me. After about 4 months I felt ready to introduce Andrew to my son, which Noel supported. After just over a year, we moved in together & again Noel was supportive and happy. This summer we all went on holiday together - me, Cian, Noel, Andrew & my friend Emilia, it was great fun, there didn't seem to be any animosity.

Cian also loves Andrew, but is still very much devoted to his Dad, as all boys should be.

 

Then it happened. On Christmas Day, Andrew proposed & I said yes! He got Cian to help with the surprise & even made sure Noel was OK with Cian being involved, so everyone knew in advance except me!

 

However, since then, all hell has broken loose! Noel seems angry at us for getting engaged! He has been rude & dismissive about it, even going as far as to tell Cian 'not to get his hopes up'! He has been refusing my phone calls & not replying to my texts, even about Cian! What the hell!? Its not like him at all!

In 8 years he has never even hinted at wanting any more from our relationship than he had, so I don't think it's jealousy and he can't be worried about being replaced in his sons eyes, because Cian has made it VERY clear (politely) that he never wants to call Andrew 'Dad' or sees him as any kind of stand-in father. Yes, they do things together, but Andrew tries very hard to include Noel in as much as possible.

Andrew has been deeply upset by his reaction.

 

So, does anyone have any idea why Noel would suddenly change his attitude? And how the hell I can fix it before it turns into an all-out war?

 

Thanks in advance xx

[lilyv]

What a beautiful and interesting life, I love that your son is ultra cared for and has love all around him, I'm happy you found love too. Sounds like he's realizing he is losing his family in a way. As long as you were single, to a certain degree, you were kind of his through the baby you shared. He was somehow secretly emotionally dependent on you because he felt you two were some sort of family. He's bitter and jealous, it sounds like. He will just have to get over it eventually.

[ThatwasThen]

I suspect that he resents the fact that another man will be in his sons life and will be seeing him more then he will be.

[dias]

I agree with TwT. It's not about you. It's about your son. And I think his reaction was "normal " and expected.

[j.man]

I'm sure you're capable of empathy. Another man is going to (theoretically) become a permanent and more constant figure in his son's life. How do you think you'd feel if the roles were reversed between you and him? Not saying there's anything wrong with what's happened or I'm not 100% happy for you and wishing you the best, but you should have at least given the guy a week before you start drawing strange conclusions and sending him calls and texts. It's an irrational but understandable reaction on his part. Give him some time and space.