confused with responsibilities

[eruki]

I'm just so confused, for such a long time, with my position in my family. and I am the first child. I am in a hope to find a solution for this problem, in this forum. and for everyone reading my thread, thank you, and please help me with the problem i'm having

 

I'm the first child, of a family consisted of 4 people : me, my younger sibling, father and mother. I never lived in my parents house, ever since i'm 6 years old. I was sent to my grandparents house, out of the town, to study at a private school. Basically, I was never nurtured nor raised under my parents surveillance (i'd say surveillance because, yes, they never actually know what i've been doing at the time). So, I grew up with the value brought by my grandparents and relatives living in the same house since I was in elementary until I graduated high school. Now, I'm in college, and as you can guess, I live even further than my grandparents house. I live alone, in a different city, and even different island than my parents house.

 

this story of my 'growing up without parents' brought me into a situation where I don't / can't understand my family's problem/condition/needs/etc. and I'd say it's because I never been in home for more than a month (when I got holiday from school/college). things as simple as, knowing where the house's stuff, what to clean, which doors are broken, which faucet's can't be open, where my clothes are, even which towel I can use - I can't figure them out without asking my mother or my sibling first. all because I just never been in the house, as the part of the family.

 

this is a problem, I tell myself. but then, it gets worse. I found out that my sibling's been having a hard time at home, and they said it was because of me. To be noted that, my sibling has been living with my parents way longer than I am, up until they got into college. It turns out that they (my sibling and my parents) are having a communication problem (i guess). to put it simply, I just figured out that : everytime my parents are having a hard time, they would whine and complain by getting angry at my sibling -but never to me- and it leads to my sibling growing a hatred towards me -they think it's because I never be at home makes me immune to my parents yelling- . they thought that I'm the one making problems because I was never in the house and so I know nothing and then makes me 'excluded from any punishment'. and so they hated me, blaming me because I never stayed at the house, blaming me for knowing not a single problem they have, and so many things blamed at me.

 

I start to think, they're right, I was never the child of the home, because I was never been in the house. not even to make up my own bed -which I don't have up until now (when I'm on holiday and staying at my parents house, i sleep with my sibling)-

 

the thing that makes me confused is, is it really all my fault? for not having a decent amount of the so called 'family quality time' ? or is it just simply my sibling versus my parents, but I got all the hate? please anyone, I don't really have anywhere to ask. please help me by discussing/giving me advice. thank you

[Jibralta]

It sounds like the dynamic in your parents' house is the problem, not you. There appear to be a general lack of communication and a culture of blame. Did your grandparents behave like this?

[melancholy123]

It doesnt sound to me like any of this is your fault. The lack of communication in your parents' home is a large part of the problem. Could you sit down with your parents and your sibling and have an honest conversation about the dynamic in the house?

[eruki]

No, my grandparents never blame... And i'm pretty much grow within my school environment too. Which also never did anything like my family did to me. I agree that they do have that culture of blame. Thank you for replying. Do you think I'm being too self centered in thia case?

[eruki]

It doesnt sound to me like any of this is your fault. The lack of communication in your parents' home is a large part of the problem. Could you sit down with your parents and your sibling and have an honest conversation about the dynamic in the house?

 

I hope i could, but they're both working parents and come home late at night. And on the weekend I dont have the heart to talk something serious while they're on rest. Do you have any suggestion on how should I start the conversation?

[journeynow]

You and your sibling have been treated very differently from an early age, and it is not unusual for there to be some sibling rivalry because of this. In a way, you are a guest in your family's home, and invade your sibling's space when you visit. It isn't your fault that it has been set up this way, and there are clearly advantages and disadvantages. I can't tell if you mentioned your age or how much younger your sibling is, but maybe your sibling needs someone to hear their side. Maybe it is anger or frustration more than hate from them. Can you understand their point of view, and ask them what you can do to help make the current situation better?

[catfeeder]

It's never a good idea to get sucked into believing blamers. I'd stay objective, and when dealing with your sibling or your parents (or anyone) who is upset with you, neutralize any finger pointing by skipping a defense, and just ask, "What would you like for me to do now to make this better for you?"

 

They will likely say, "I don't know."

 

Respond, "Well, I'm open to hearing from you what I can do for you, so think about it and let me know."

 

Head high.

[eruki]

You and your sibling have been treated very differently from an early age, and it is not unusual for there to be some sibling rivalry because of this. In a way, you are a guest in your family's home, and invade your sibling's space when you visit. It isn't your fault that it has been set up this way, and there are clearly advantages and disadvantages. I can't tell if you mentioned your age or how much younger your sibling is, but maybe your sibling needs someone to hear their side. Maybe it is anger or frustration more than hate from them. Can you understand their point of view, and ask them what you can do to help make the current situation better?

 

It's never a good idea to get sucked into believing blamers. I'd stay objective, and when dealing with your sibling or your parents (or anyone) who is upset with you, neutralize any finger pointing by skipping a defense, and just ask, "What would you like for me to do now to make this better for you?"

 

They will likely say, "I don't know."

 

Respond, "Well, I'm open to hearing from you what I can do for you, so think about it and let me know."

 

Head high.

 

 

thank you for the advices, I am trying both of your solutions right now, and looking forward to the changes it will make in the mean time. thank you very much!