Need Help - Want to move past making an error of judgement and get my ex talking to me again

[bobtail]

Hello,

 

This is my first time posting on here, I stumbled upon your forum whilst trying to find some self help. I would appreciate any advice, I really feel like I have reached a dead end with this situation but I want to ensure that I try everything possible to try and make it better. I'll firstly give some context to my predicament...

 

I dated my boyfriend for six months before he ended the relationship 6 weeks ago. In the beginning, he kept asking to date me and I agreed after a month as I wanted to get to know him properly (we met off Tinder). He was very intense with sharing his feelings and told me he loved me and even suggested marriage quite early on, he said he was sure about me. A week before he broke up with me, he mentioned about moving in with me as I had a problem with the rates of my rent being increased. It transpired that he ended up getting cold feet with this and distanced himself a bit, I think he frightened himself thinking about the reality and had just wanted to help me out. If he had moved in, he would have been commuting to work 2 hours each way every day! (We live an hour away from one another). Anyway, after the breakup we remained friends and continued hanging out. He carried on telling me he loves me and we continued sleeping together. The reasons for the break were he felt he had regressed as a person and didn't like who he was becoming. He said he had become complacent and lazy in the relationship and wanted time to himself to work on projects and sort himself out. He told me that he wasn't ruling out a reconciliation in the future and said that he was not looking to date anybody else, which I believed.

 

Last week he said he would come and visit me and had birthday presents he wanted to give to me. He also said last time we saw one another that he had a 'plan'. This played on my mind all week and I wondered whether he was going to make some kind of gesture to get back together. He was not forthcoming with coming round as he claimed that he had a bad back and wouldn't commit to another day as he was working. I became increasingly frustrated and sent a text message telling him I felt controlled and at his mercy, that I had been looking forward to seeing him etc and couldn't do this any more. He didn't reply so I called and texted until he abruptly told me that he found my text immature and he wanted to distance himself from it. I asked to go and visit him and he said no.

 

I couldn't bear falling out and wanted to apologise and talk to him in person so I travelled to see him. Upon arriving at his, I called three times on the door but he would not answer so I texted and asked if he would speak to me. He texted that he was leaving and had left via the back door and drove off, claiming he was having a panic attack and asked why I had turned up when he said he didn't want me to. For me, I had no idea he would have this reaction and felt it was completely disproportionate and extreme. He made out that I was 'mad' for showing up whereas I had innocently wanted to resolve matters. My reasoning being, if I drive over 40 mins for work then I don't mind travelling the same for something that matters to me. In the end, I had to drive home as he refused to speak to me. Anyway, since then, he completely ignored any texts from me and this just made me worse and I stupidly bombarded him with messages and phone calls. I knew this was the worst possible thing to do but I felt frantic and couldn't stop myself. After two days he eventually responded and told me that I have not been rational and my behaviour has scared him. I noticed he removed me from Pinterest and PS4 etc so I knew he was removing all traces of me. His text confirmed that he wants me to leave him be and for us to lead separate lives. He allowed me to text back and I told him it seemed unfair that he is judging me based on one mistake whereas the whole time I have known him I have not displayed behaviours like this. I tried to reason with him and tell him that the situation was compounded by other factors, I have been feeling down due to my housing situation and with feeling in limbo with him for so long, he has constantly alluded to us getting back together and this has really affected me, causing so much conflict and confusion in my mind.

 

I managed to text some more and tried to appeal to his better nature. We have fallen out once before and he ended up doing a compete u-turn on his previous decision to part ways. I had hoped that I could influence him in some way. I really don't want to lose contact with this person. I had hoped that if he had genuine feelings for me, with time he may calm down and see the situation more sympathetically. I have read about the no contact rule and can see how this may be affective in both parties having space and time but I am also conscious that given the time of year, I don't want my ex boyfriend to see it as an opportunity to move on. I am seriously kicking myself that I didn't just wait for him to eventually come round and I could have told him how I feel more calmly in person, without it having flared up like this. Do I wait for him to be in contact with me? Or should I give him a few more days to think about everything? I'd hate to wait it out and realise that he had no intention of reconciling. I don't know what I can do at this point. I feel I should at least give him space for a few days but I also want to remain proactive and do not want to put myself in a position where I am holding out hope for something that just won't materialise. He is the kind of person to reflect after time and may possibly feel differently about it, but I can't be sure given the extremity of how this has ended up.

[Hollyj]

Don't EVER give someone the benefit of a relationship, when you are not in one. You should not have continued sleeping with and taking to him, as you were broken up. This allowed him to date others, as he had NO COMMITMENT TO YOU! Not good! You should have gone NO CONTACT! His excuses for the break were sh*t!

 

He treats you disrespectfully and throws the birthday visit on you, and you go to him, UGH! You also apologize after he treats you like garbage. Oh goodness! He then runs off, and insults you, again. Yet, you keep on begging him to talk.

 

You have completely lost all self respect with this guy. He has shown you, again and again, that he does not want to be with you. You want to continue contact?????????????????

 

He does not care about you, and is NOT friend material.

 

I don't understand your decision making in this. He has treated you like sh*t, and you are begging to be in his life. Please get some counseling to understand why you would want someone like this around.

 

Do you have friends you can talk to? If your sister/best friend had been treated like this, would you advise them to beg and chase someone who had treated them in this way?

[rosephase]

Anything you do that is "proactive" is going to come across and you being crazy and not listening to what he has told you numerous times. Why do that to yourself over someone who has left you twice in six months? He doesn't want to be with you. The way you are acting is completely off putting and scary. When someone says "I don't want to talk" and then you show up at their door? That is frightening. That is stalking. Just leave him alone. Find someone who actually wants to be with you.

 

It sucks that he came on so strong and managed to do some damage to your heart. But you need to pull yourself together and move on. The way you are acting is creepy and invasive.

[SweetGirl28]

Do nothing.

Two breakups, add your irrational behavior in, which turned him off, it's done.

Use this as an opportunity to learn from, and don't repeat it.

When a guy asks to be left alone, they mean it. Sorry to be harsh, but there's no way to sugarcoat this.

[bobtail]

I knew it wasn't a good idea to sleep with him and resisted at first but got drawn in. Part of me thought that with continued intimacy, he might change his mind. He was always the one to initiate contact when we met up. We went to a Christmas themed fair and he grabbed my hand and held it and kissed me, it was like we were together again so this really confused me. I feel like I have been in limbo for weeks, waiting for him to come back to me fully.

 

I am going to look into getting counselling as I am struggling with the break up and have other things going on too which are just making me feel so overwhelmed.

 

Thank you for replying to me and giving your perspective, it wasn't what I wanted to read but I know deep down that you are right.

[rosephase]

I knew it wasn't a good idea to sleep with him and resisted at first but got drawn in. Part of me thought that with continued intimacy, he might change his mind. He was always the one to initiate contact when we met up. We went to a Christmas themed fair and he grabbed my hand and held it and kissed me, it was like we were together again so this really confused me. I feel like I have been in limbo for weeks, waiting for him to come back to me fully.

 

I am going to look into getting counselling as I am struggling with the break up and have other things going on too which are just making me feel so overwhelmed.

 

Thank you for replying to me and giving your perspective, it wasn't what I wanted to read but I know deep down that you are right.

 

Hang in there. I know it's disappointing. But trust me you aren't losing a good partner. This dude doesn't know what he wants and isn't available for a real relationship. It's so much better that it ends now then going back and forth with breaking up and almost real relationships.

 

Be kind to yourself. Mourning and healing take time.

[Hollyj]

Block and delete him!

 

Give yourself time.

[SweetGirl28]

In general, guys do not bond with you through sex.

It's an act they partake in with an ex when the ex allows it.

It rarely makes them get back together with you, as they don't see you as a person of value,

they see you as someone who allows themselves to be disrespected.

Our dang female hormones do bond us to them with sex, and thats when our heads need to be stronger than our hearts, and be smart before deciding to engage in FWB with an ex.

[bobtail]

Thanks for all your comments. I won't be in touch with my ex but I don't yet feel ready to delete his number. I have another question though with regards to this...

 

About a month or two into our relationship I lent my boyfriend £400 when he left his job so he could pay his rent and bills. He was always supposed to pay this back but was getting into a position where he could afford to, once he was settled into his new job. He mentioned needing to pay it back a few weeks ago, before everything turned sour.

 

I don't want to be in touch with him to ask for the money to be repaid but equally I don't know whether he will be forthcoming with paying it to me without prompt. What should I do? It's a lot of money to just write off. Should I have no contact for a few weeks then text and broach him about it? Or wait and see if he mentions it?