Dating 4 years, she never had a sex drive

[homerSimpson05]

I have been dating my gf for four years. We have been together for our entire college years. We knew each other from hs. she has never had a sex drive...ever. She does not like to make out at all! She is not very emotional either. She does love me though. Well college is coming to an end, and we both know we are going to get married in a year or two. She is waiting til marriage, she is not religious though. Now she says that after getting married, we will "play" and have fun. My question is, can this be seen as normal? I do deeply love her.

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[MetallicAguy]

She's full of it. She's not attracted to you sexually. I wouldn't be surprised if she had a divorce with you later on. Sorry man. Don't know what to tell you.

[Sn0man]

Some people still choose to wait for marriage before they have sex. Not my preference, but to each their own. I would be cautious though. I recently read a post with a man who waited until marriage and now his sex life is flatlined. You may wish to review his post..

 

Do a search for "just married and wife has no sex drive"

 

You'll see what I mean. Posted in 'Sex and Romance' by Omegaquest.

[homerSimpson05]

Now I feel as though I should further tell our story. I am her second bf. I am her first kiss. She is still very innocent, she will admit that. I don't remember the last time we made out. Now it may not help that we went to different colleges, but trust is not even an issue.

in response to the first reply, she is the type of person that does not believe in divorce, she has said it herself in other discussions.

 

Like I said, she is very innocent!

[MetallicAguy]

Well then she is having a hard time loosening up. Help her out with it.

[Krystyl]

Trust me....if a woman has no sex drive before the marriage...don't expect her to have one after you are married. That piece of paper is not going to magically transform her into a sex goddess. Either she is a sensual/sexual person or she isn't. Don't expect fireworks. And you say she is cold/not much emotion....again....that piece of paper is not going to change that. You have a lot of work ahead of you if a better than average sex life is important to you.

 

After four years if she is not comfortable enough to make out with you and ENJOY it....you have problems. Being innocent is one thing....but being a cold fish who doesn't enjoy physical contact is quite another.

[Sn0man]

Agree with Krystyl...remember what I told you. Check out that post.

[RayKay]

Trust me....if a woman has no sex drive before the marriage...don't expect her to have one after you are married. That piece of paper is not going to magically transform her into a sex goddess. Either she is a sensual/sexual person or she isn't. Don't expect fireworks. And you say she is cold/not much emotion....again....that piece of paper is not going to change that. You have a lot of work ahead of you if a better than average sex life is important to you.

 

After four years if she is not comfortable enough to make out with you and ENJOY it....you have problems. Being innocent is one thing....but being a cold fish who doesn't enjoy physical contact is quite another.

 

I agree 100% with Krystyl. There seems to be a lot of cases I have seen on here where the girl does not have much sex drive, promises it will change after marriage or something, the guy believes it, and it does not.

 

Waiting for marriage is one thing..personally I think testing sexual compatibility BEFORE marriage is important but to each his own. But the fact she does not even really like making out to me signals that there is more to it then just waiting for marriage. It's likely easier for her to wait as she does not have a sex drive! You can be sensual/sexual without having sex - it is not just about the actual sex act. I think you need to look not just at the lack of making out, but how does she touch you, look at you, hold you, talk to you. All those are clues as well.

 

As was said, she will not suddenly turn into a sex goddess on her honeymoon if that drive is not there. You will end up with someone who sees sex as a duty - and while you may get sex (though not very frequently I would guess) I can say it likely won't be all that enjoyable, passionate or hot. If she is cold, unemotional and does not like physical contact now, trust me, unless she actually gets help through therapy/doctors etc that will NOT change later. I have seen it happen too many times, and sex/intimacy regardless of what some may say is very important to a relationship for many reasons - it is a bond between partners to share themselves, to bring them closer, to separate them from friends..something special to them, to pleasure and explore one another.

 

You need to analyze her body language more - her sensuality. If she has none, you may want to seriously think about whether you can face a life with very little, and "procreation only-like sex". Maybe that is fine for you and acceptable...but only you know that.

[Linlo]

You say she has never had a sex drive? Maybe she is asexual, rather than specifically not attracted to you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her - some people just don't experience sexual feelings. You say she does love you so maybe she does, and is just unwilling/incapable of expressing it in a sexual way. But... I wouldn't expect any miracles. If that's the way she is, then that's the way she is Maybe she's saying that it will change in the hope that it will. Maybe this is something she needs to face up to herself. (I'm an asexual and it isn't an easy thing to accept that I'll probably never really want sex with somebody.)

 

I think you need to figure out what's important to you. Whether you'd be okay with a life of possibly very little sexual activity, and whether you value her companionship over anything that might be missing, or whether it just wouldn't work in the long run.

 

By the way, obviously I don't know her and can't judge either way, but I don't think it's fair for her to be labelled as a "cold fish" here. If this really is just the way she is, then it's not her fault.

[myapril]

Yeah!I agree with everybody!You know what,I'm 20,my husband is my 1st love and the only!I did KEEP MINE FOR HIM until we got married.It wasn't hard at all but sweet,because...we loved to make out,and did everything to meet our sexual needs.I loved to...

 

You know,4 yrs,it's a long time.So maybe she is really not very into sex.Choose a right moment and talk about it to her,in a good way though,don't let her feel hurt,because there are no right and wrong with it!For yourself,Just think about whether you can face it up if you get married.Sexlife does play an very important role in a marriage,just see what is more important to you!Make your deciation before you get married!Good luck!

[ShySoul]

It's possible. People can change and develop new "interests." It could be that once she starts she gets more into it. It could be that her sex drive kicks in randomly. Or it could be that it never does kick in. Anything is possible.

 

But keep in mind that you are together because you love each other. And to go 4 years without sex is a sign that what you have goes beyond that. You should marry for love, and if you can honestly say that you love each and want to spend the rest of your life together then sex shouldn't be an issue. Sex may play a role in a relationship, but it isn't the huge role that most make it out to be.

[RayKay]

It's possible. People can change and develop new "interests." It could be that once she starts she gets more into it. It could be that her sex drive kicks in randomly. Or it could be that it never does kick in. Anything is possible.

 

But keep in mind that you are together because you love each other. And to go 4 years without sex is a sign that what you have goes beyond that. You should marry for love, and if you can honestly say that you love each and want to spend the rest of your life together then sex shouldn't be an issue. Sex may play a role in a relationship, but it isn't the huge role that most make it out to be.

 

I think ShySoul you have to keep in mind to you it might not be as important of a role as to others. For most who think of it as important it is not just a matter of sex itself, it is also of feeling desired, of sharing such intimacy with our partners, of exploring one another, pleasing one another...of deep form intimacy that is shared amongst those people involved only. It is a form of expression of our love - I know if my partner never desired me, let me know he wanted me, wanted sex, I would feel very very hurt, and very confused. No it is not just about sex, it is about intimacy too...but sex is a very big part of that for many people.

 

To some it is a very big role, hence why there are so many posts on here about marriages/couples where one partners sex drive is so low with them, and the other partner is feeling hurt and confused. They love their partners, it shows in the pain they are feeling, so it is not fair to say that they are with them for "more than just sex". None of them are saying it should be all about sex, but their posts show that it is not something that is just a small role either.

 

Of course you should marry for love...but you should also keep in mind other issues such as compatibility, emotional/relationship maturity, shared goals and visions of your future together (ie does one want kids, one not?) and for some (in fact many) compatibility will include the sexual relationship.

[myapril]

I agree with you RayKay!

 

For 2 people who are in love,especially for 2 who get married,having sex is not only about something like lust,or just the physical requirement.But it is a special and enjoyable way of communication for a couple!We should to know each other's feeling,both spiritual and physical!

[ShySoul]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, sex is the most intimate, personal experience you can share with someone. It isn't just about the physical act, its emotional and spiritual. It is two people coming together and becoming one in body and in spirit. That's not something that I want to share with just anyone. It is something special that I'm saving myself for until the right girl, the one who loves and understands me like no one else has ever or probably will ever.

 

That was my response to a post about someone feeling down that they were a virgin. I clearly get that sex isn't about the physical, it's about the spiritual and emotional. Which is why the act itself isn't as vital as it's made out to be. Plenty of people don't have this massive sex drive and there's nothing wrong with that. They are showing that desire and need to be with someone in other ways. For those who have had sex, what is it that makes it good? Is it the actually act? Or is it the love behind the act?

 

Let's be realistic. We are not going to have the same stamina and durability forever. Sex is going to lessen eventually. At first the newness and excitement of it can keep it fresh (doh! bad pun) but its not always going to be like that. I'm not saying it won't be good, as long as you really love each other it should be magical. But you'll come to see that sex is just a part of the love you have. There are more ways of being intimate then just that.

 

What if you weren't able to have sex for some reason, would you really let that affect your relationship? My point is that while it will be missed, the relationship would still endure and could even be stronger than it was before.

 

Compatibility, maturity, goals and a future together are all important... more important then sex. Ok, maybe the part about having kids is related to sex in some way, but its not about sex its more about wanting a family. But if you really love each other then you can work through all of this and come to an understanding about a sexual relationship. The original poster was willing to wait until marriage because she wasn't ready. He's willing to wait because he loves her. Love does conquer all.

 

And here's a test. What is the most romantic moment you have had? If you are in a committed relationship, when did you know you were in love? I'm betting those moments are not involving sex, that the sex came after. It's like the cherry on the sundae, nice to have but its the ice cream (aka love) thats the most essential ingredient.