I'm so confused 😢

[MissH]

Hello everyone, I'm so confused about this guy I just met.. So I'm 23 years old ( he's 22)

 

I was on my way to the gym walking, all dressed-up and stuff, and there was this guy who was following me for about 25m (the distance I was aware of) .. When he reached me, he said: "You're fast, and I had to park my car in the middle of the street just to catch up with you!" and I was like:" hey! lol" , so he walked me to the gym (about 15min away) and we talked about almost everything; how he was a soccer player and how his father had to stop him from playing cause he was scared it might affect his studies, where he lives (cause he was not from the neighborhood, he lives 30 minutes away by car) , he was staying for a couple of days at his grandma's (she lives in my neighborhood, i don't know where exactly) , he said he was going back to his place in two days (that is today) He said I was the reason behind a big traffic jam cause he had to stop so many cars in order to be able to turn around, as I was walking the opposite direction.. 😂 So we were laughing on our way and he was reaaaally, like really really calm and sweet, to the point where I, who's used to bastards ( sorry for the word, I can't find another one!) was overwhelmed with his sweet way of talking and thought it was weirdly unnatural, anyway, he had my number and he said he was gonna call me later, he did, and I didn't answer, so we texted and he wanted to go for a coffee with me the day after (which was Tuesday) and I said no cause I had to work out in the evening, so he said he might see me on my way to the gym, we talked in the morning that day, and he said he liked my determination and the fact that I'm successful at what I do and that was what drew him to me even more..

 

So we argued later, he wanted to drive me to the gym and I said I didn't want to, and he insisted cause it was the only way he might be able to see me, cause he had other things to do later, and a 30min-walk alone from the gym to his car was something he didn't feel like doing if i wasn't with him.. He said "fine, as you like!" and I didn't reply, so he called and I picked up, and he said come on, I really wanna see you! We'll just park the car in front of the gym and we'll talk, that's all! So I said okay cause I really wanted to see him too! (PS: i was still on guard, cause I thought he was overly sweet aka not so trustworthy.. I kept my defences up..) so we were in the car, we talked a lot for about 30min, he told me about his family, his plans, he said he wanted to go out for lunch with me on Wednesday since it was my rest day and I accepted.. He said I might help him be a better person cause I felt like "someone who knew what she was doing with her life, someone focused" ! And I said I'd be glad to do that..

So I left the car and he asked me to call him when I finish cause he might be around..

 

I did, 2 times, and he didn't pick up.. I went home, and it was 10pm, still he didn't even send a message.. I was worried.. I left him a message and went to sleep.. On Wednesday morning, i was at work, he sent me a message saying "Good morning beauty ❤ I'm sorry I came home late last night and couldn't talk 😢 " I told him it was fine and asked whether he was okay.. He didn't answer.. I waited for him to tell me we're going out, but he didn't, I was super tired so I took a nap, woke up, still no sign.. So I was furious, I wrote him a message saying : ".. There's still something you don't know about me, I have one hell of an ego that always tells me to let go, but it's my curiosity that's taking the lead here.. So if you don't wanna talk to me anymore, just tell me honestly, it's that simple, no hard feelings whatsoever. Thank you for replying. Have a good night" but he didn't answer, didn't call, no traces of him on instagram cause we texted once there (he doesn't post stories or anything, but i thought maybe his phone was stolen and lost my number, but still he had my instagram..)

 

Till today, no signs of him.. I'm just wishing I find him on my way to the gym this evening.. I really do 😢 see, i'm the kinda girl who has never been lucky when it comes to relationships.. It's been a reaaally long time since I went out on a date, or even with friends.. I've become this insanely home bird who's just focusing on working out, eating healthy and that's it.. I was really excited to get to know this guy, I even had hopes that he might pull me out of this dark hole I'm in (not that i'm complaining, but gym-goers understand how working out gives you confidence that sometimes your heart, that was once so fragile, becomes rock hard)

 

He's a really hot guy by the way, like he has the face of a model, but still that didn't count so much for me (it was a bonus! lol)

 

Sorry for writing this really long text, but I'm so confused, I'd really appreciate it if you guys could tell me what to do.. I was doing great at the gym and everything, meeting him was supposed to make me feel good.. Now I feel miserable.. I wish I hadn't met him.. 😢

 

What do you suggest? Thank you. ❤

[Wiseman2]

You just met him? Are you dating exclusively? He doesn't sound too serious. Never send explosive texts like this unless you want to push guys away as early into dating as possible. Always keep in mind dating is not a relationship. Where is this demanding attitude, anger and sarcasm coming from? Did you recently break up with someone?

guy I just met. I was furious, I wrote him a message saying : ".. There's still something you don't know about me, I have one hell of an ego that always tells me to let go, but it's my curiosity that's taking the lead here.. So if you don't wanna talk to me anymore, just tell me honestly, it's that simple, no hard feelings whatsoever. Thank you for replying. Have a good night"

[Andrina]

Thankfully nothing bad happened, but in the future, I'd suggest you not get into a man's car that you don't know. Ever hear of Ted Bundy? Always meet in a public place like a coffee shop or a mall or a restaurant. You don't know anything about him. Maybe he doesn't have a grandma who lives in the area, but knows that sounds like a safe, sweet excuse women will buy to build a false trust.

 

Your mistake was to call him the second time after he didn't pick up, and to have such great expectations about someone you just met. You should have waited to see if he came through on taking you to lunch on the next day, and if he didn't, you could see he was all talk and no action and move on.

 

"So I was furious, I wrote him a message saying : ".. There's still something you don't know about me, I have one hell of an ego that always tells me to let go, but it's my curiosity that's taking the lead here.. So if you don't wanna talk to me anymore, just tell me honestly, it's that simple, no hard feelings whatsoever. Thank you for replying. Have a good night"

 

Wow. And you're expecting someone to be gung-ho about getting to know you better when you're furious at them and revealing your intensity of feelings for an acquaintance?

 

I'm not saying he's good dating material and you've lost a decent person since I don't think that's the case, but I can see why you haven't been successful with anyone else when this is the way you act. Chill out. Let the guy pursue you. If he's a flake and doesn't take the normal pace of dating, there's no need to get so emotional about it. You say: I took a risk and it didn't pan out. Next.

 

Perhaps some counseling will help you out to better your cognitive and behavior skills.

[MissH]

You just met him? Are you dating exclusively? He doesn't sound too serious. Never send explosive texts like this unless you want to push guys away as early into dating as possible. Always keep in mind dating is not a relationship. Where is this demanding attitude, anger and sarcasm coming from? Did you recently break up with someone?

 

Well, I met him 3 days ago.. Technically, he met me! lol I should have stated that when we texted the first day, I clearly stated that It's too hard for me to trust people easily, and he said it was okay because no one trusts anyone these days, but he literally said he's not planning on hurting me, but rather on protecting me if I let him do so.. I really played it hard to get, because that's the way I am due to past failures.. I don't usually send such texts to guys to push them away but he provoked me, it was like my way of saying he lied probably, cause I also told him I believe in actions more than words (since he was sweet-talking to me / I asked him to slow that down and prove what he's saying) .. He deduced that I've been betrayed which made me this tough, and I said yes, he realizes that very well.. What I didn't get is why he's not picking up or returning my messages.. The last one he sent was the one I mentioned, he didn't seem like he was mad at anything or like he didn't appreciate something in me, cause the last time I saw him, he said he wanted to go out for lunch with me, and then he disappeared, completely, you see? And no, I didn't break up with anyone, cause it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship, I'm just really mad at all guys I've met who acted like they were interested in me, then they flake! I'm pretty aware of my attitude, but I've never done anything wrong to any of them.. I just can't find an explanation..

[Wiseman2]

Ok it seems obvious to everyone that you've been scorned. Maybe you are not ready to date if you take it out on some dude you know for 3 days.

He deduced that I've been betrayed which made me this tough, and I said yes

[MissH]

Thankfully nothing bad happened, but in the future, I'd suggest you not get into a man's car that you don't know. Ever hear of Ted Bundy? Always meet in a public place like a coffee shop or a mall or a restaurant. You don't know anything about him. Maybe he doesn't have a grandma who lives in the area, but knows that sounds like a safe, sweet excuse women will buy to build a false trust.

 

Your mistake was to call him the second time after he didn't pick up, and to have such great expectations about someone you just met. You should have waited to see if he came through on taking you to lunch on the next day, and if he didn't, you could see he was all talk and no action and move on.

 

"So I was furious, I wrote him a message saying : ".. There's still something you don't know about me, I have one hell of an ego that always tells me to let go, but it's my curiosity that's taking the lead here.. So if you don't wanna talk to me anymore, just tell me honestly, it's that simple, no hard feelings whatsoever. Thank you for replying. Have a good night"

 

Wow. And you're expecting someone to be gung-ho about getting to know you better when you're furious at them and revealing your intensity of feelings for an acquaintance?

 

I'm not saying he's good dating material and you've lost a decent person since I don't think that's the case, but I can see why you haven't been successful with anyone else when this is the way you act. Chill out. Let the guy pursue you. If he's a flake and doesn't take the normal pace of dating, there's no need to get so emotional about it. You say: I took a risk and it didn't pan out. Next.

 

Perhaps some counseling will help you out to better your cognitive and behavior skills.

 

First of all, thank you for the reply.. So, I insisted that I didn't want to get into his car because it's something that makes me uncomfortable all the time, but he said he really wanted to see me, I said I didn't want to again, but then I accepted just cause I felt like he was upset cause I said no.. Even when we were in the car, he said he knew I was uncomfortable, and I told him yes cause it's something I don't usually like doing but I said it was for him and cause I wanted to see him too.. Then, yeah, I shouldn't have had such high hopes since the very first day, but sometimes, people make you feel so special despite you pushing them away somehow or telling them you have no trust in them.. He kept trying to get to me.. Then, I wanted to make sure he understands that I'm not going to chase after him if that's what he's thinking, my message was clear, it's either he gives me a reason for him not answering or he just tells me that he's not interested in me (which is hard to believe because he looked so into me, he was even asking me about which days I rest on so we'll be able to go out!) That's what confused me so much, acting like he was so into me, then disappearing! I just hope he's okay you know.. I don't know what happened, he doesn't seem the kind of guy who'd ignore a text message, I've been worried about him too.. Finally, I can tell you why I said "okay, I'm going to go with him but I'm going to be careful", so that I don't end up with feeling guilty that it ended or that it's because I was too stubborn, having crazy principles that get in my way of being in a relationship.. Well something I know for sure (or maybe feel) is that if he has seen my messages and didn't reply, probably because I accepted to get in his car.. Maybe he thought I'm that easy.. I don't know..but there's no reason for him to disappear like this.. He doesn't really seem like a bad guy.. Plus the fact that he told me that he came home late that night and couldn't text me makes me wonder why..

[MissH]

Ok it seems obvious to everyone that you've been scorned. Maybe you are not ready to date if you take it out on some dude you know for 3 days.

 

I don't think so, we talked about that on our way to the gym, then we were in the car talking and laughing and everything.. I don't believe that's the problem.. Plus, I sent that message late in the evening when I realized he wasn't going to text me back cause obviously, there wasn't a reason why he wouldn't do so.. I believe he wasn't going to talk to me even if I didn't send that message.. Know that I didn't send it to look furious, but rather to make him realize he was a liar and that me being skeptic wasn't a wrong thing to do.. After all, he didn't prove what he was saying.. He could've told me that we weren't going out for lunch for a reason X , he could've explained why he couldn't text me the night before, he could've replied to me when I said "It's okay, don't worry about it, are you okay anyway?" Why on earth would someone ignore a text message from another person asking them if they were okay cause I was worried about him and he knows it, I told him that!

[firelily]

So, I insisted that I didn't want to get into his car because it's something that makes me uncomfortable all the time, but he said he really wanted to see me, I said I didn't want to again, but then I accepted just cause I felt like he was upset cause I said no.. Even when we were in the car, he said he knew I was uncomfortable, and I told him yes cause it's something I don't usually like doing but I said it was for him and cause I wanted to see him too.. Then, yeah, I shouldn't have had such high hopes since the very first day, but sometimes, people make you feel so special despite you pushing them away somehow or telling them you have no trust in them.. He kept trying to get to me..

(...) That's what confused me so much, acting like he was so into me, then disappearing! I just hope he's okay you know.. I don't know what happened, he doesn't seem the kind of guy who'd ignore a text message, I've been worried about him too.. Finally, I can tell you why I said "okay, I'm going to go with him but I'm going to be careful", so that I don't end up with feeling guilty that it ended or that it's because I was too stubborn, having crazy principles that get in my way of being in a relationship.. Well something I know for sure (or maybe feel) is that if he has seen my messages and didn't reply, probably because I accepted to get in his car.. Maybe he thought I'm that easy.. I don't know..but there's no reason for him to disappear like this.. He doesn't really seem like a bad guy..

 

Oh sweetie. This is so bad it triggers me.

 

NEVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. THINK THAT WAY. NEVER.

 

NEVER THINK YOUR DISTRUST IS A SILLY FEELING TO GET RID OF, THAT'S STOPPING YOU FROM DATING EXPERIENCES.

 

IF YOU DON'T TRUST SOMEONE, LISTEN TO THAT FEELING.

 

YOU'RE PRINCIPLES AREN'T CRAZY. IF YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU'RE NOT RESPECTING YOURSELF ENOUGH. YOUR PRINCIPLES ARE YOUR PRINCIPLES.

 

YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT, NOT SOME GUY WHO GOT UPSET BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED.

 

REMEMBER: YOU DON'T OWE ANY GUY ANYTHING.

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO GO AS SLOWLY AS YOUR BODY & GUT FEELING TELLS YOU TO.

ANYONE WHO WON'T RESPECT THAT AND WILL PUSH YOUR BOUNDARIES IS A PERSON TO BE AVOIDED.

 

This is very very important. If you will ever think "I didn't want to, but he wanted me to, so I kinda agreed, because I didn't want to make him upset" you will gonna get burned badly. If you will ever think "I normally don't trust people in situations like this, but..." you're gonna get burned. Or "My crazy principles are stopping me from getting close to this guy that I don't trust yet". You will get hurt very much. So please start to respect yourself, learn to be assertive.

 

Take these words from a girl who bought a guy a teddybear as a "sorry I refused to go to bed with you".

 

He seemed like the nicest person on earth. He was a teacher who worked with autistic children and my trainer who seemed very strict about morals. My initial thought of him was "what a douche", but everyone liked him so much, I thought my gut feelings must be judgemental. I knew him for two weeks. During this time, he pushed my boundaries over and over. He asked me to go with him to private locations, and I was hesitant. But when I refused to play this thing on his terms, he instantly disappeared, and I felt like I was losing some real gem, my only shot at being happy.

 

I thought he obviously wanted something romantic but he made me uncomfortable offers right away because of some socially retarded habits he picked. I had an explanation for everything. So I did everything to let him know I like him and I want to get to know him, even though I'm not willing to get physical. I felt guilty for making him upset. I felt like if I'm gonna respect my feelings of distrust, I'm gonna lose some magical opportunity here.

 

The story ended with me not sleeping with him, but pursuing an emotional connection. The last time we talked he showed his true face, and it was so ugly I still can't shake the feeling. I'm absolutely positive if we hooked up, he wouldn't even make me a coffee or say goodbye afterwards. He was that kind of person, despite all the "niceness". After that, I learned to distinguish between being nice as in: smiling a lot, saying charming things, and being nice as in: taking an opportunity to help someone. This is a very important difference.

 

Nothing about this guy indicates he was really a nice person. Never put your trust someone you've known for 3 days. Never.

 

In fact some things indicate that he wasn't a nice person. He knew you were uncomfortable, yet he pushed you to go into his car! He even had a nerve to comment on your discomfort, as if it was something to be ashamed of in this situation... You know there is a pick-up artist technique like that - you make a move on a girl with your arm, she starts giggling and looks uncomfortable, then you say: "What, I am making you uncomfortable?", then the girl says "Noo, you're fine, I'm just shy, sorry for that" and allows you to keep your arm there and in a moment push the boundary still forward.

 

Maybe he wasn't a predator, but sure as hell you weren't meant for each other and you didn't lose anything here.

 

However, with that kind of thinking and low self-esteem, you can be an easy victim one day. It always takes a pair: 1) an abuser, a predator who gets high on seduction, manipulation, pushing boundaries of other people and exploiting their emotions and 2) a person with low self esteem, with some tint of desperation, a person who's afraid of ending up alone and unhappy, etc. You have some wound that is not healed. Something that makes you fight for people a bit too much, as if you were afraid if you miss this train, no train is gonna come. If you will meet a wrong type of person, that person will use this would to put a hook in there and use you and hurt you.

 

Please heal that wound before you start putting yourself in vulnerable dating situations, or you will get hurt.

[firelily]

So we were laughing on our way and he was reaaaally, like really really calm and sweet, to the point where I, who's used to bastards ( sorry for the word, I can't find another one!) was overwhelmed with his sweet way of talking and thought it was weirdly unnatural,

 

Yeah, after re-reading this I'm pretty sure the guy is at least a bit of a player. He was being too sweet to you as tactics. Him sharing that much personal information in the first minutes of you knowing each other was also a tactics intended to make you trust him faster. He wasn't nice as in kind, he was nice as in charming. The act he did with you is something he does every now and then to some girl walking the street or dancing at a club.

 

Maybe he wasn't a total screwup, just not what you were looking for, and you wouldn't get anything positive from this.

 

Again, please take care of yourself. You need to be more picky about guys. Find someone you share a common ground with, not a random guy who says nice things to you. And like I said, please heal your emotional wounds, for your safety.

[MissH]

Thank you very very much for every single word you said and for taking the time to analyze my situation, you're pretty good at this and you're very sweet. First, I wanna start by commenting on your story, I'm pretty sure it's the guy's loss! Sometimes, as you said, we keep giving opportunities to people who don't even deserve it and who never asked, but we get afraid sometimes that we'll end up alone.. But most of the time, it's all because of the long period we've been single that sometimes you miss the feeling of being emotionally wanted.. You even forget how relationships work and you get overwhelmed with the sudden attention.. However, I'm kinda proud of myself cause I'm learning pretty fast how to react in these situations, the old me would've fallen for his tricks easily, but I kept my suspicion and I wasn't wrong about him. I even did it on purpose showing him I was suspicious and I guess he disappeared because he felt that his games weren't going to work on me! In all this, I don't care if he's hot or if he's really special as a person regardless of his games, what hurt me was the fact that I couldn't take revenge, I had no ways for a payback, my only way was to ignore him cause he's the type of guy who's always having attention. I wanted him to make an appearance on my way to the gym sooo bad so I can ignore him! It's like I lost my pride and I desperately wanted to take it back! The old me would've also gotten depressed and stayed at home, however, I still went to the gym and killed every session and I got over the situation.. Guess what, I woke up yesterday morning and found out that he unfollowed me on instagram the day before I guess (hilarious I know!)! I ignored him still, but guess what again! Last night, he sent me a message on instagram saying "you here???" , I didn't open it, waited for about 30min, left a "seen" sign and ignored him, didn't even say a word to him! Then he sent me another message saying "I'm sure you're thinking I ghosted you but I didn't, it's just a trivial story so if you're willing to let me explain to you and get those prejudiced thoughts you have about me out of your mind, and if you don't want to, I won't blame you" I just replied "okay, talk" it was late at night and I didn't reply immediately so I guess he's sleeping..

I was happy he reached out, you know why? Not because I'm having or had a caucious crush on him at one moment, but because I'm teaching him a lesson not to mess with me, cause I think he's gonna understand that I'm not ready to play games, I have more important stuff to do so if he's not serious about what he's saying, I'm leaving! It's either he corrects what he's done wrong or I simply leave, I don't care that much anymore 👌

[firelily]

Thank you for kind words!

 

Proud of you for your successes at the gym :)

 

However, I don't think it's healthy to take revenge (after all, he didn't harm you in any way), to teach him a lesson. Your ego will turn against you one day!

 

Try to learn to respect yourself, and you will be less emotional about not getting respect from other people. Try to remember you're worth loving and you deserve a good guy, and you won't lose time or thought on guys who don't respect you the way you want them to. Spending your effort to teach them a lesson, putting an effort into ignoring somebody, is a way of still giving something to that person. Be above that! It's a bit scary that you won't to give somebody a payback for hitting on you without being serious and ignoring you later. It's not an offence to be a stupid dude, it's just not what you should be packing yourself into.

 

You need to work on your self-love, not give too much, not get so emotional about guys not being great. I don't like how his hitting on you began, he just started walking behind you on the street, showering you with cheap compliments, over sweetness and getting too fast - it doesn't sound like he's a good material for a boyfriend no matter what he did later, or what he responds how. Inviting a girl to his car he met 5 minutes before says something about him, and whatever he writes later can't change that impression. You shouldn't invest here not to teach him a lesson - believe me, he won't learn - but because you shouldn't waste your time.

 

You need to work on your self-love, not give too much, not get so emotional about guys not being great. If you love yourself first, take care of yourself first, you won't rely so much on what some newly met guy gives you and you won't get into situations that you are uncomfortable with. And you will stand a better chance of finding someone truly nice.

[katrina1980]

 

So we argued later, he wanted to drive me to the gym and I said I didn't want to, and he insisted cause it was the only way he might be able to see me, cause he had other things to do later, and a 30min-walk alone from the gym to his car was something he didn't feel like doing if i wasn't with him..

 

He said "fine, as you like!" and I didn't reply, so he called and I picked up, and he said come on, I really wanna see you!

 

 

It troubles me that your response to this^ was to try harder to please him. He sounds nuts!

 

I mean you had "just" met this guy, you had known him what, 1-2 days, and he pulls that *? I don't think so.

 

I would have been DONE as soon as he said "fine, do as you like!!!"

 

That type of pushy, overly-aggressive, bullying behavior doesn't work for me, and shouldn't work for you either.

 

It's controlling, guilt-inducing, manipulative, especially considering you had just met him. Jeez!

 

I get it though; you're lonely and literally craving love in your life.

 

Problem is when one craves love and validation like this, their picker is off and they tend to overlook red flags and make very bad choices.

 

I'm not surprised this guy has done a 180. He just doesn't seem right in the head.

 

My advice would be to block, delete, next.

 

When a man makes you this crazy before even having a real date with you, that's your cue to exit the situation, ASAP.

[MissH]

Thank you for everything! Yes, you're definitely right! I agree with you.. It's just that sometimes, we need someone to tell us the words we need to hear, and you just did that! I did realize he's not worth the effort, so I'm gonna just focus on myself. He never replied and I'll never care. In fact, I blocked him so I wouldn't receive any messages from him! I definitely don't need any drama stories in my life, and he proved that he's a douche, right from the beginning. Thankfully, I didn't give him too much importance and I showed him I'm not the type to walk over! So I'm finally done with him.

[MissH]

Well I'm done now finally! You're right, I hate that attitude too, but I gave him a little second chance without stating it which he neither deserved nor took.

I admit that I probably was craving love, but I'm proud of the way I handled the situation. I definitely was confused, angry and everything in between, but I tried not to show anything. I'm so done with him, and yes, I blocked him so I can stay at peace without his stupid arse following me on social media lmao xD