Dating ex wife

[jooop1985]

Hi everyone. This forum has really been helpful till now. There is my post where i posted about my separation with my wife on divorce forums (super confused ex wife) I also had very good insights from member Lester and others. Well my ex wife wants to date/hang out to see if there ia any connection left. We have been on two dates in last week and next one is tomorrow. I have pretty much screwed up first two, as i didn't know what is she trying to do with this hanging out as she never openly said what does she want. Now for tomorrow i really don't know how to act. I wanted to be relaxed and enjoy, but since she is unsecure about staying in marriage i am also afraid to get attached again and get hurt again. We have been separated for 3.5 months and i managed to get some emotional deattachment. Should i act kind and friendly? Should i ask what are her goals with this hanging out? Should I tell her my concerns about attaching again and getting hurt again?

[hlethorn1]

Who initiated the separation? If it was her, it is precisely her who has to earn another shot at you - you don't owe her anything.

 

Nevertheless, in order to re-attract her do the thing you did at the start of your marriage that made her fall for you.

 

Providing you feel she is genuinely working to win you back, I would not think/talk about the relationship or what you and her "are".

 

Just focus on hanging out and having fun, in a light-hearted casual way. If it was your actions that caused her to want the separation, use this fun/casual time to demonstrate how you've changed - this will all build her confidence, and her trust, which is the only way you will find out what she is really thinking/feeling.

[Hollyj]

Why aren't you doing couples counseling, instead of dates? You need to deal with your problems. If you do not deal with her emotional cheating, the problems will still be there.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, definitely. You need to know if she wants to "be friends", have an amicable divorce or reconcile. No do not pour your heart out at this time about getting hurt, etc. Rather, state your case whether it's reconciling and not just hanging out in the friendzone.

Should i ask what are her goals with this hanging out?

[abitbroken]

I would not have hung out with her - i would have said if she wants to hang out with you, then meet you at the counselor's office.

[jooop1985]

Unfortunately she doesn't want couples counseling, as she isn't sure if she wants to divorce or reconcile. Let say emotional cheating is out of the picture now. Her ambivalence and uncertainty is the problem.

[abitbroken]

Unfortunately she doesn't want couples counseling, as she isn't sure if she wants to divorce or reconcile. Let say emotional cheating is out of the picture now. Her ambivalence and uncertainty is the problem.

 

Couples counseling helps you learn to communicate - you don't need to know if you want to divorce or reconcile to go. The marriage is broken - that's a fact. It is not going to be improved with casual dating. You need to not let her take advantage of you -- she either has a choice to be your wife or not but she is not going to get your friendship and possible sex without being married to you. You need to go to counseling whether you ultimately decide to reconcile or divorce for the fact that she "doesn't know what she wants". Do not let her have her cake and eat it too

[jooop1985]

Yes, definitely. You need to know if she wants to "be friends", have an amicable divorce or reconcile. No do not pour your heart out at this time about getting hurt, etc. Rather, state your case whether it's reconciling and not just hanging out in the friendzone.

 

These were her exact words over the phone an hour ago. I asked her politely what are we trying to achieve hanging out? She said: I WANT TO hang out with you, and in a way this could save our marriage, and to see if we can reconnect.

 

The problem is, in thus 3.5 months she has contacted me every single day, but always ambivalent, never ever said a word for a wish to reconcile. The break up wasn't anything bad, or violent, there wasn't even arguing. What we are really both mentally exhausted is from her ambivalence, mixed signals, "i don't know what i want in life" attitude, and all the chaos around separation (family, friends etc)

 

Our friends said this is the dumbest divorce they have ever seen, because nothing "that" seriously happened that we couldn't repair in short time. But her ambivalence and fear, also time (3.5months), has lead us that we don't know how or what to do around each other. Especially me, since she is behaving unsecure, i always feel like walking on thin ice, and being extra careful. Why, well i am not sure if she is doing this for herself (dating with me) so she can say she tried to save marriage and forgive her self if, or really wants to save marriage as i would want. Lately i would just want to give up. Stress and limbo exhausted me to last drop, waiting for somebody to make up their mind.

[Piaresssss]

Lately i would just want to give up. Stress and limbo exhausted me to last drop, waiting for somebody to make up their mind.

 

This last part resonates with me so much. I feel exactly the same as you. My ex said she didn't know how she felt and wouldn't know until the holiday we have booked in March.

 

I wish i had the resolve that you seem to have in being able to talk and see her. I just fall apart.

[jooop1985]

Hi @Piaresssss! I Read couple of your posts now. Sorry what you are going through! I know you would like to have talk and final closure or any kind of decision so you can move on. But belive me i told my ex wife not to contact me in this 3 months atleast 30 times. She would manage for max 20hours. Why? It is good for ego that you get messages or calls every day, but soon i realized after all i would rather have clean cut from her from beginning and NO contact. I told, and asked her many many time why is she contacting me all the time. Her answer was always i am part of you, you are part of me and we were together 7 years. The real truth is she is keeping her options open, weening herself off from me, as i was her safe pillar in her life. I am getting from very strong and self confident to very tired and weak, and she is getting happier and stronger every day. I can see it, but afraid to admit it to myself. So in your case NC or LC is much better for you, i am sure it would be for me. And all these dates and talking is gonna end up me totally broken after taking care of her emotions and she is gonna be ready to move on. I am in my 30es and i always always prefered clean cut no matter what could happen in future, divorce, reconciliation or anything. In your case i read you were jealous. In our marriage she was super jealous but also in the end one who "cheated". That is why i am asking my self with lot of pain, why am i suffering because of somebody like that. What is unbelievable to me is that we manage to throw away all the brains and confidence in garbage because of somebody who is not for us or doesn't want to be with us.