I think I'm a commitment phobe and That bothers me

[tabytha]

the irony is I'm a bisexual who believes in monogamy and doesn't indulge in random acts of sex.

 

However it takes forever for me to break up with people. I was so relieved the two time i got dumped. I wasn't the bad guy then.

 

I date the nicest people, who worship and adore me, I don't consider myself pretty or charming yet these people just... i don't know. What i do know is the higher the pedestool you're put on the further you have to fall.

 

I've only had 6 relationships and I always find a reason to end it. I was proud the first time i broke up with my first boyfriend, proud that unlike my co-dependent mother and father ( who divorced but were very very lonely desperate people ever after) i had the power to stand on my own two feet. it was scary but liberating.

 

my 2nd relationship was to a girl who broke my heart constantly, and i did keep going back for more, until eventually i relocated to break the cycle.

 

after nearly a year break i meet a great guy, funny, intellegent, selfconfident, who wrote poetry and would bring me flowers who actually thought i was "gorgeous, brilliant, strong" wow! Well i broke down before i even dated him, as the pressure was already high. he seemed too perfect. I recall my boss at work telling me to 'go for it' so i did. 3 months later we became engaged and had playful fights over what we'd name our children. He was and still is the closest i'd met to soulmate.

 

his occasional used of marajuanna increased and i followed. I got sick and plunged into depression. The formed a rift between us and it only got wider. I had dreams and ambitions and after 2 and a half years realised that he and I were never going to get there together. I called off the wedding that we had no plans for and told him to return to his own country to persue his own dreams. He didn't want to and really i didn't either. even when 2 weeks later i discovered i was pregnant. Did I want to stay with him for a child neither of us are prepared for? Do i want to follow him to strange country and raise the child alone while he fulfills his dreams of going to uni? What abou my dreams of uni and a life? I knew i'd hate and resent him and the child. I wasn't sure he'd succeed either, Like me he was a dreamer with ambition but little direction. So after deliberating and procrastinating for a month I decided to quit the pot, terminate the pregnancy and sent him packing.

 

Half knew i did the right thing, the other half regretted that decision and still does.

 

But as usual I got on with my life. Moved got a new job and reasserted myself as an individual again. i tried to discover who I was again.

 

6 months passed and I was holidaying in my ex-fiances country. I caught up with him and he asked to to restart our relationship. Though I cared for him deeply as the closest friend I'd ever had, I realised that i still did not want to marry him and told him no. We continued to keep in touch and i encouraged him to date other woman. I didn't get jealous.

 

Another 6 months passsed and I decided to date myself. My ex fiance had finally found a fullfilling relationship and I thought it was time i did myself. my family would worry if i was single too long. having struck out three times with the esorteric soulful kind i thought I'd cater to another side of my personality and looked at an extrovert. I dated one and it was disaster. Though again he adored and worshiped me, would take me out and act the gentleman, I realised we had very little in common. his facade of confidence bordered on arrogence. He was ambitious like me but had no soul. he knew to pay his life insurence but didn't know how to live. I compared him more to to my carefree ex and grew more distressed. I had given up my soulmate and told him to find another and what did that leave me with? A greedy, ambitious little boy who wanted to climb to the top of the corporate ladder but would never stop to enjoy the veiw.

 

My corrospondence with my exfiance continued through this and eventually i confessed i still had feelings for him. He admitted the same but was in a relationship, he was far too noble to act on our emotions. I understood but needed to get out. I was aware i was probably idealising my past relationship, we had broken up for good reasons and it was my own desperation that brought back my feelings. i wasn't going to jepardise his happiness for my mood swings. I decided to move again. This time I decided to move to the same country as my ex. I had other good friends there and I needed a change. I quit my job and told my then boyfriend i was leaving him. He responded with tears and a desperate wedding proposal. I turned him down, and with my tail between my legs in fear of love I fled.

 

a week before i left my ex fiance informed me his girlfriend dumped him and was willing to give us a try. I was over the moon. three days later i received an email from him, saying he wanted to try with her again, and for me to stay out of his life. I was heartbroken but understood. I had messed him around for more then a year. I kinda had this coming. I still got on the plane and moved though, but kept my promise to never contact him. Even when I met his sister a few months and she wanted to keep in touch. I ignored her calls and messages and started a new life.

 

My friends had a sweet virginal flatmate who had a crush on me. I liked his innocence and lack of preconvieved ideas of how a relationship must work. We dated and i stripped him of his virginity. I later learnt his innocence was really ignorence and there wasn't a hidden depth to this man. He was kind, but dull. There would be no deep conversations or understandings. I agonised over calling it off. then he saved me the effort and dumped me. I was very relieved.

 

I remained single for another 5 months then met my current boyfriend. Another virginal boy/man. Sweet, witty, noble. After three months he needed a place to live. i offered my flat 'for a while', things seemed fine for a month or so. but while I'm trying to not repeat the mistakes of my past, were at the end of my engagement i realised i had no life outside my fiance and had to make new friends all over again, my new boyfriend has again made me his life. He won't go out to parties and i feel guilty like I'm neglecting him, he won't do anything but play video games all day. after three months he received his inheritence and bought a house. He asked me to go in with him.

 

What every girl wants, a guy who adores her who can provide a home...

 

But he won't get a job, or is too picky. he'll do house work, only when I ask him, which makes me feel like a nag, can't cook so when I get home after a 8-9 hour day I have to get our meals.

 

he buys me presents and takes me out to movies, but won't go to parties and finds it hard to have a conversation about feelings, ( I could try to discuss his video games but he's mock my ignorence, get frustrated and go silent). He'll react to a serious conversation like petulent child.

 

He's a sweet well intentioned man, who knows how to treat a woman, but if it's a feeling more complicated then 'i'm cold' his inner child steps in. if he's in a bad mood, he'll speak to me, not like an a busive man, but a moody spoilt child, and to be honest I don't know whats worse.

 

In retaliation i find myself picking fights with him, because I've grown tired of walking on eggshells.

 

Sometimes I think a it's a womans job to be the smart one in a relationship to cater to the childish moodswings in her man, lord knows tv sitcoms indorse it all the time. Lulling a man into complacencey to effect your own ends. But i find that sort of deviousness disgusting. I was mostly raised by my dad and brothers and sympasise with men in regards to relationships. I agree that love shouldn't be a game and and for me to placate my boyfriends moods just to save myself hassle in the long run, it seems to demonstrate a larger issues.

 

Egads I'm rambling.

 

 

If any one has read this, my point is:

 

I'm scared I'm a commitment phobe.

I know alot of very lonely people.

I know I'm guilty of dramatising things

I also know my unhappiness is genuine

i know the men i date are much better then most out there and don't abuse me, i know I'm 'safe' around them

I also know that they lack the essential communication skills I need to feel 'stable'

I know i'm happy single

i know i don't want to be single forever.

I know woman can try to change a man

I don't believe we should

Noones perfect

 

 

Do i stick it out and try to work things through with him or do i do what I've always done and throw in the towel looking for greener pastures?

 

almost everyone I've dated was beter then the last and it's never enough. Will I forever be unsatisfied.? God theres so much more and it's all so complicated. I don't want to make another man cry but i want to stop crying myself

[tabytha]

would appreaciate a comment/opinion/advise

[annie24]

Perhaps once you meet someone who feels really, truly right, you won't be a "committment-phobe" anymore.

 

well - you HAVE been in committed relationships, but called it off once you saw that things weren't quite right. I think it's good.

[tabytha]

I'd like to believe that. It would give me so much peace of mind.

 

my concern is am i going to continue to pick my relationships to the ground until I'm old and desperate.

 

Will I turn away Mr Right over a minor flaw, and wind up with Mr Wrong when I'm older because I've burnt all my bridges?

 

Do i have a right to want someone to be better when I'm far from perfect myself? Of course not but does that mean i have to choose between solitude and unhappiness? it's a hard choice.

 

And how do you dump someone who's so darn 'nice'?

[annie24]

I don't think you broke up with the finace over a minor flaw. he didn't want to work. That's really bad.

 

How about if you come up with a list of 10 things you NEED to have, and then 10 things you'd LIKE to have from a partner.

[tabytha]

Thanks Annie,

 

I'll try the list. What i do with it depends on my personal courage.

 

but at least it will steer my mind in the right direction, hopefully.